*Note*: I wrote this in a sort of script style. Think of this as a (poorly done/written) lost episode of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, as supposed to a novel-esque story.
And, it's also heavily influenced by Immora's Pathetic Sailor Moon fanfic. Love that thing.
Sailor Moon Voice-Over: Today on Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, we try, in a half-assed sort of way, to get some plot together but to no avail. And then, the author of this silly fanfic decides to-
Suddenly, the audience hears a loud whack followed by a thunk.
New girl's voice V.O. (giggling): Didn't mean to do that, now did I? Anyway, get ready for some great times. Let's all find a man!
Uranus and Neptune V.O.: Hey!
New Girl V.O.: Sorry...
A man appears on the screen, dressed in salaryman grays.
Executive: For some strange reason we at the network cannot explain-
New Girl V.O.: I didn't do anything!
Executive: Whatever you say, Miss. As I was saying, for some strange reason we don't have the opening animation of Sailor Moon nor do we have a recording of Moonlight Densetsu. So, in their place, we will have our very own miko-
Author V.O.: Which means "Shinto Priestess."
Executive: Miss, please...
Author V.O.: Hey, I'm not Miss, I'm the Author. And this is my fanfic, and I can do anything I want with it, so there.
In the background, someone raspberries the executive. His face turns sour for a moment, then continues.
Executive: As I was saying, we will have, for your entertainment, our very own priestess, Hino Rei, perform a ritualistic dance as Tsukino Usagi gives us her rendition of-
Rei (showing herself on camera and gets in the executive's face): What do you mean "Usagi" singing!?! She can barely hum a tune, in TUNE!
Usagi (with a bandage on her head, gets in Rei's face): Like you have any talent!
Rei: Excuse me!?!
Minako (in the back): Calm down guys. Like, I'll do it.
Rei and Usagi: No you don't!!!
Rei and Usagi lunge at Minako and a huge brawl ensues for a good minute or too.
Pluto V.O.: I saw this one coming.
Uranus V.O.: Those inner scouts are incompetent, aren't they.
Executive V.O.: Maybe we should call in the Starlights to sing.
Neptune V.O.: Or get me and Uranus to play a duet.
Saturn V.O.: Or just call upon the Silence and destroy them all.
Everyone sweatdrops. The brawl stops in midswing, so to speak.
Author V.O.(sighs): Maybe we should just start the show.
A flash of psychedelic lights and colors and the title of the show appears.
Moon V.O.: Usagi Shock Attack! Glazed Carrots and Flowers
Abloom.
The scene: the beach at the height of summer. Each of the inners are doing separate things. Usagi and Chibi-usa are fighting over the last can of Pocari Sweat. Ami is reading a book. Rei is working on her tan. Makoto is looking out at the waves, and Minako, well, she's the one with the binoculars pointed towards the guys.
Minako: Like, going to the beach was, like, a great idea, ya know?
Rei and Makoto nod their heads in agreement. The Usagis didn't hear her. They're too busy grunting and pulling at the can.
Ami (slamming book down on the sand): That's It!
Everyone: Eh?
Ami: I know I always have a book with me.... but at the BEACH?!?!?
Rei: Well, you are the nerd of the group...
Ami: Well, not today. (She gets up and turns to the rest as she takes off the loose T-shirt she was wearing to reveal a nice one piece blue swimsuit.) I'm going swimming. Who's coming with me?
The Author, a caramel-colored young lady with curly black hair and a purple one piece, pops out.
Author: I will!!!
They take each other's hand and run together to the water.
Makoto: That was weird.
The others nod.
Minako: Isn't it, like, a little early, like, before the author, like, show up in the story?
Rei: What did you expect? This is a fanfic.
Usagi: Wasn't she, like, the one who drew us funny?
Rei (shrugs): If that's what you call it.
Usagi (wailing): But why did she draw me like a Furby!!!????!!!
Chibi-usa (still clinging to the can): I don't think you were a Furby in that pic.....
Makoto (gets up): I'm going to get some food.
Usagi: Didn't you, like, bring food with you?
Minako: Yeah, like, you always bring food.
Makoto (scoping out the nearby stands): So? (She spots one commandeered by a cute guy with spiky black hair. She hypnotically walks towards it.) He looks like my sempai.
Sweatdrops on Rei, Minako, and the Usagis.
Cut to Ami and Author-chan as they splash around in the water, laughing. At the distance, a tall Irish-looking guy with freckles, brown-red hair, and glasses makes his way down the beach. He doesn't see the two girls in the water. Author-chan spots him and stands up in the thigh-high water.
Author (whispered lovingly with tears in her eyes): Sempai...
Totally romantic, heartbreaking shot of her and her sempai as she watches him walk into the sunset.
Ami: Where did that scene come from? It's the middle of the day.
Usagi (hysterical): This isn't Super Author-chan!!! This is Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon!!!
A wooden mallet slams down mercilessly upon Usagi's head. Usagi rubs her head and groans.
Usagi: What the hell?
New girl (from behind the mallet): I'm sorry-
The girl moves the mallet from in front of her face and reveals herself to be Tira Misu...or Miss like it's said in Japanese.
Tira: I kinda missed.
Minako: Like, missed?
Tira: And the author told me too.
Author V.O.: No I didn't!
Tira (mischievously): Hee hee...
Usagi (screaming): Ack!!!
A side shot show Carrot's face really close to Usagi's. Holding Chibi-usa, the winner of the Pocari Sweat, above him, he ogles Usagi before freaking out.
Carrot: Tira!
Tira swings, but Carrot ducks, Instead of whacking Carrot to the other side of the beach, she hits Chibi-usa. She goes flying, wailing the whole way, with Luna-P floating right along with her.
Tira: Oops.
Carrot: You're aim's off today, isn't it Tira?
Tira groans and lifts the mallet up again.
Everyone except Tira and Carrot: Wait!
Cut to a food stand. Akito is trying to keep order as the ladies of the Nadesico swarm the stand to help him.
Hoshino Ruri V.O.: The Nadesico crew were officially off-duty and decided to go to the beach. Tenkawa Akito was asked by the ship's cook, Hou Mei, to man a stand with her for some extra money. He agreed, but once Hou Mei became sick, he had a problem in his hands.
Yurika (reaching over the counter, begging): Akito! Let me cook with you!
Megumi (pushing Yurika aside): And let people die of food poisoning?!? Akito, let me!
Ryoko (arms crossed over her chest): They should stop bothering Tenkawa.
Hiraku (slyly): So you can help him, Ryoko? (Ryoko blushes slightly.)
Izumi (pulling out a ukulele and strumming a few chords): The love of food and the love of a man...(laughes hysterically)
Everyone sweatdrops except for the girl who just walked in.
Makoto (Shyly, blushing, to Akito): Do you need help?
Akito: Yeah, I need someone to cook with me. Hou Mei was supposed to help, but...
Makoto: Cook!?! Oh, I love to cook! (Points to stove) May I?
Akito (motioning to her and it): Knock yourself out.
Makoto pulls out a strip of cloth and dramatically ties it on her forehead. In the midst of sweatdrops and shocked faces, she jumps over the counter and begins chopping up meats and vegetables really, really fast. In under 3 sec. flat, she serves up some curry beef with rice to Akito. Everyone except Makoto sweatdrops some more.
Akito (sweatdrops): Uh......
Makoto (all smiles): Try it!
Akito grabs a pair of chopsticks and looks at the food with some reluctance. The food looks delicious, but food made that quickly had to be dangerous if eaten. Braving a bite, he puts a piece of beef in his mouth and chews on it with a solemn look on his face. All the girls surround him, their faces full of anticipation. Akito swallows. Everyone waits. He waits. Makoto waits. Akito smiles.
Akito (suprised): Hey, that was good!
Makoto smiles.
Akito (seriously): But...
Makoto (serious, worried): What?
Akito: Why did you cook it so quickly?
Author V.O.: Because...
Author-chan shoves herself between Yurika and Megumi and smiles.
Author: ...if we spent all our time watching her cook, we wouldn't have enough time to do other stuff. (looks at pocket watch) Ack! Look at the time!
Everyone sweatdrops.
Author (grabbing the camera and screams into it, her face really close): Next scene!
Cut to Chibi-usa flying through the air, screaming, but still the winner of the Pocari Sweat. She finally crash dives into the sand. She lifts her head out of the ground.
Chibi-usa (face covered with sand, groaning): What happened...?
Chibi-usa looks up. She is greeted by an upward shot of a cool Setsuna looking down on her over the rims of her sunglasses. The outer scouts are at the beach, too, as a sort of family outing for the foursome. All four ladies were reclining and taking in the sun when Chibi-usa came crashing down in their midst.
Michiru (to Haruka): Looks like it's raining little pink rugrats.
Setsuna: What happened, Chibi-usa?
Chibi-usa: Some girl malleted me over here. (gets up and dusts herself off)
Haruka: "Malleted"?
Chibi-usa: I think her name was Tira...
Setsuna: This fanfic is in worse shape than I thought.
Hotaru (pouting): Why are we here to begin with? Author-chan? (Author-chan pops out of nowhere wearing a teal and lavender wrapped skirt over her swimsuit.)
Author: Yes Hotaru-chan?
The outer scouts and the author huddle.
Hotaru: Okay, what are we doing here?
Author: Well, I thought you guys needed a tan. Especially you, Hotaru-chan. You're so pale and stuff.
Haruka: That's it?
Author: And because you guys have so many fans, you know? Besides, I couldn't have had her land in front of Mamoru-
Michiru: He's here too!
Setsuna (groans): God, Author-chan.
Author: Well, you know how she is whenever he's around.
Hotaru: Yeah, we know.
Michiru: She is a horny little girl.
Author: Well, she isn't really as little as she looks-
Hotaru: She just acts that way.
Haruka: I don't think she's as horny as you are Michiru (pulls Michiru closer to her).
Author: Not right now, you too.
Outside of the huddle, Chibi-usa is jumping up and down, trying to hear the conversation.
Chibi-usa: Are you guys talking about me?
The Outers: No.
Setsuna: Anyway, what are going to be doing for the rest of this fanfic of yours?
Author-chan thinks for a moment.
Author (with a smile): Hook up.
Michiru (looking into Haruka's eyes): That sounds like fun. (They scamper off.)
Setsuna: What about me and Hotaru-chan?
Author (pointing over Setsuna-san's shoulder): Look over there.
Far over the sand dunes appear Marron in his usual white robes and blond-haired Potei.
Author: They're for you. Treat them nice. Have fun.
Setsuna and Hotaru wait as the pair make their way up and down the sand dunes. Author-chan scampers off.
Chibi-usa: Wow, that boy looks like Peruru, only cuter.
Hotaru: Oh, no you don't!
Hotaru-chan transforms into Super Sailor Saturn, complete with the little-seen transformation sequence Author-chan saw once, and pulls out her Silent Glaive. Swinging it with all of her senshi strength, she slices Chibi-usa into two. So cleanly, in fact, that not a drop of blood gushed out of her.
Setsuna: I thought she was your friend.
Hotaru (shrugging): She was annoying anyway.
Hotaru flings Chibi-usa bits into the ocean with her Glaive and detransforms. Marron and Potei approach the pair finally.
Setsuna: Hello gentlemen.
Marron: Good afternoon.
Hotaru: How can we help you?
Just beyond the city, right next to the beach stood a lone book depository. At its uppermost window stood a dark-clothed cupid as he pulled out a rifle. From a box labeled "Lust", he takes out 2 bullets and load the rifle with them. Taking out another rifle, he loads it with a pair of bullets from a box labeled "Friendship". He takes up the "Lust" rifle and aims for Setsuna and Marron. He fires.
Cut to the beach where Setsuna, Hotaru, Marron and Potei are.
Marron: We're looking for some friends of ours. Have you seen--ouch--
Marron reached for his shoulder. He thought he felt a bug bite him or something.
Setsuna (whispered): ouch.
Hotaru and Potei: ouch.
All four reaches for a body part where they thought a mosquito or something bit them: Setsuna on her neck, Hotaru on her hand, and Potei on his thigh.
Potei: What was that?
Hotaru shrugs.
Hotaru: You wanna go play?
Potei nods yes, takes her hand, and together they frolic off somewhere.
Marron (all smooth and Carrot-like to Setsuna): So, what's your name?
Setsuna (mysteriously and sexually charged): Whatever you want it to be, handsome.
Marron pulls her close and starts planting kisses all over her neck and lips. They start making out on the sand.
Cut to Author-chan hammering down some "Do Not Enter-Lemon Warning!!!" signs near where Setsuna & Marron and Haruka & Michiru are. With a wise smile on her face, she walks down to where everyone else is. She walks by Ruri and Lain as they examined each other's laptops.
Author: Love is amazing. It changes everyone. (She pulls out her pocket watch and freaks out and into a SD version of herself. She runs back and forth hysterically.) Oh my god, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late......
Lain (in her soft voice): Be quiet, White Rabbit.
Author-chan stops, and point to herself. She's wearing Yurika's big white rabbit suit.
Author: Me?
Ruri: Fool.
Author (panics): Ack! (waves arms wildly) Go to Commercials!!!
Eye-catch for commercial break: Clip of all the senshi SDed running around scared before the big furry foot of Carrot squashes them flat.
Commercial-
Clips of Carrot falling in lust and trying to get his hands on all sorts of girls in many non-descript villages and towns.
Tira V.O.: Did this ever happen to you?
Shot of bikini-clad ladies running away from a grab-happy Carrot in pervert-mode.
Chocolate V.O.: An eeky old letch won't leave you alone?
Tira V.O.: And you don't have the weapons necessary to whip him back and in line?
Shot of Tira and Chocolate sitting on bleachers as they watched a women's softball game. Carrot hasn't shown up yet, but he will.
Tira: Well, we have the perfect choice for you sensible women out there.
Shot of a large, 2-ton wooden mallet with a "rising sun" motif in the background. Tira and Chocolate walk from opposite sides of the large, superimposed mallet.
Both: The Mallet!
Chocolate: Yes, the mallet. The weapon of the offended female.
Shot of famous anime women known for their use of mallets wielding them left and right.
Tira V.O.: Join the ever-growing group of mallet-loving ladies and get yours today.
Shot of Tira and Chocolate back on the bleachers.
Chocolate: But you're probably saying, "Tira, Chocolate, those mallets are heavy. What can I, a weak girl, do with it?"
Tira (adjusting glasses): Just consider this weapon as also an exercise. Not only would practicing your swing will help you crush that etchi faster and more efficiently, you can also melt away all that fat right here (points to her underarm)!
Chocolate: And, of course, there's also the whole "Where am I going to carry that thing anyway?" question some of you ladies are thinking about.
Tira: It is our gaurantee that these mallets are the easiest to hide and use, so much better than our competition's defective, imitation mallets.
Chocolate: That's right. Sure there are other comapnies that say their mallets are good, but many times they don't have the reliability that a Misu mallet, which is made of the finest pinewood, by the way, has.
Tira: And, if that's not enough, with each order, we supply (takes out a book) this book, 101 Things You can Utilize for the Decimation of the Pervert. It provides helpful advice for that lady would suddenly finds herself in the present of a pervert but without her trusty mallet. From acid from lemons to zippers, this book covers almost every single thing you can use for your defense.
Chocolate: Uh oh, it's time for a demonstration of our top-quality merchandise.
Chocolate points to the field, and the young man who interrupted the game. Carrot began to hit on the ladies in the dugout right below the sisters. He said something a little blue, which was instantly addressed by the players, who pulled out some commplementary mallets, courtesy of Misu Co., and began to whack the poor letcher left and right. Before Carrot knew it, he was in the game....as the ball. The large pitcher lifted the letch above her head, and, with a little help, she pitched him towards the plate, where another player swings and hits the poor pervert out of the stadium, so to speak.
Tira: Well, you have it.
Chocolate: If that little demostration didn't convince you that the Misu Wooden Mallet is just what you need, I don't know what else to say.
Tira: But if you are convince and know you need our wonderful product today, call 1-800-HIT CARROT and order your mallet-
Chocolate: With complementary book, 101 Things You can Utilize for the Decimation of the Pervert, today for only 3 easy payments of $29.99 plus shipping and handling. Do it Today.
Shot of the enlargen mallet again over the "rising sun" motif as the words "The Mallet" flash underneath.
Marron V.O.: The Mallet from Misu Co. The Weapon of the Offended Female.
Tira: Not only do we make them-
Chocolate: We use them religiously.
Tira and Chocolate get off the bleachers, grab their mallets, and follow the softball players as they chase Carrot into the sunset.
Commercial-
Shot of a little girl in a yellow kimono on a hill. From both sides of the hill, little oni (green-haired demons/ogres with horns and striped loincloths on their bulky bodies) are climbing up. The little girl plays a flute as the oni claw their way up to where she is. Suddenly, the little girl, who's around 5 or 6, stops playing the flute and pulls out of her obi a can of...
Girl: Pocari Sweat!!!
Upclose shot of her opening the can.
Shot of the same action, but closer.
Shot of the same action, but so close, you can see a light spray of liquid as the can is opened.
Girl (lifts can over hand triumphantly): Yeeeeeeesss!
Shot of the oni and the little girl in a field of poppies doing the chorus line kick.
All (singing along to a kiddie chant): Pocari! Pocari! Pocari Sweat!
Shot of the little girl and the oni floating around in bubbles as a soft, lullaby version of the song plays in the background.
Shot of little girl as she opens another can of Pocari Sweat. She lifts the can up to her face all kawaii-like and smiles.
Girl: Yeah!
Shot of the can on a colorful background as SDed oni march on the bottom of the screen, holding cans.
Girl V.O.: Pocari Sweat!!!
Commercial-
Shot of Uribakate Seiya in front of Akito's Aestavalis.
Seiya: Hi! My name is Uribakate Seiya, the head mechanic here on the Nadesico, (lifted up a Mac OS) and the proud owner of a Machintosh!
Shot of Lain in front of her uber-modified Navi, all dazed and engrossed.
Lain: I am lain. I own a Navi. Hello Navi.
Shot of Navi screen with the swirling blue and white lights.
Navi: Hello, lain.
Shot of Ami typing away at her little ol' hand computer as the other inner scouts fight among themselves in the background.
Ami: My name is Ami. I'm the smart inner senshi and the proud owner of this little data computer (holds up computer) which, incidentily enough, has unconcevable amounts of memory and power.
Shot of Ruri at the helm of the Nadesico, or, rather, in her seat there.
Ruri (in her usual monotone): My name is Hoshino Ruri. I control the powerful Omoikane (Big Money), the computer in charge of all operations here on the Nadesico.
Shot of all four standing around a computer as Seiya types away, hacking into some high-security system like, say, the military records of some powerful country.
Ami: Sure, we may look like nerds and computer geeks-
Ruri: But we have more power than you.
Seiya turns and looks at the camera.
Seiya: And you know it.
Lain: We are among an elite group of anime computer geeks, and now we are offering our services and advice to you silly fools out there in the "real" world.
Ami: Computer's too slow? We boost that sucker right up.
Ruri: Hostile takeover?
Seiya: We can fix that right away!
Lain: Strange chips to be installed and modifications to be done? Just call us.
Seiya: We are the computer specialists. Call us first, and you won't be sorry.
Shot of logo on a white background.
Whispering voice from iMac/title voice in lain: Ani-hackers. Solutions for a technology-driven world.