Death's Door
By Mirror and Image

Heero pounded away at his keyboard, running simulation after simulation about Wing Zero's current upgrade. All of the Gundams had been given an upgrade by the Doctors, and Heero wanted to make sure that Wing Zero would work properly before he went and piloted it The simulations looked good, but Wing Zero appeared a little slow in certain areas, and Heero wanted all the bugs out.

The door to his room opened and from the reflection on the monitor, Heero saw that it was Duo. The American looked serious about something, but said nothing, instead sitting down on the bed. Heero grunted acknowledgement that Duo was there and went back to work.

After about an hour, Heero was wondering why Duo wasn't talking. Normally, it was impossible for Duo to keep quiet, but the heavy silence that hung over him was disturbing. Turning his chair, Heero looked over to Duo.

"All right," he said. "Spit it out. What's wrong?"

"Is what we're doing right for the colonies?" Heero was taken aback, though he showed now outward signs of it. It was a totally unexpected question, for Heero believed that all the pilots had overcome any doubts long ago. So what was up with Duo?

"We've always fought for the colonies. Even when they didn't believe in us. It is our mission to defend the colonies and stop them from seeing exactly what war does." Pausing, Heero chose his next words carefully. "It is what we've always done, so why do you question it now?"

Duo laid back on Heero's bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Don't worry about it, Heero," he replied quietly. "Every so often I question what I'm fighting for, but I always come back to the same conclusion."

"Which is?"

"I'm fighting so that the colonies don't have to. If I risk my life, then they don't have to risk thiers."

Obviously, it wasn't a very convincing answer if Duo still questioned himself from time to time, but Heero kept that thought to himself. Heero knew the braided youth well enough to realize that what he was doing was not the only thing bugging him. And whatever it was, stemmed a lot deeper than why he was figthing.

"Is there anything else you'd like to ask me?"

"Yeah," Duo said quietly. "Just who am I?" Bells started ringing in Heero's mind. Duo was not only questioning why he was fighting, but who he was as well? Where was all this coming from??

"And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Is what I'm doing right for the colonies?" Duo continued to stare at the ceiling. "I mean look at me, I'm Shinigami for crying out loud! Is that really the type of person who should be defending the colonies? Does the God of Death have a right to kill on behalf of the colonies? If so, what does that say about the colonies? What does that say about me if I'm willing to do so? Just who am I to the colonies? Who am I to Earth? Who am I period?"

Heero slowly swallowed all of this, not used to seeing such a dark side to Duo. Such a depressed side. Perhaps Heero did not know the braided youth as well as he thought. "You are a damn fine Gundam pilot despite being very annoying in personality. You kill your enimies-"

Duo cut him off. "And just who are our enimes, huh? The way things stand now in this war, I don't think even the Docs know who we're supposed to fight."

Heero decided to give him the advice he always followed. "Your enemy is the one who is trying to kill you. Kill him, or be killed yourself."

"But what good is my way of fighting?" Duo sat up and looked over to Heero. "You only kill those in front of you, Wu Fei bases his killing on honor, Trowa doesn't kill unless nescessary, and Quatre offers everyone a chance to surrendor. I just go out and kill everyone in sight. Hell, I enjoy it! Exactly what type of person does that make me?"

"A good soldier."

"Damn it!" Duo got up and punched the wall, cracking it and bloodying his knuckles. "Heero, I came here for a little compasion out of you, and all you give me is 'How to Be Heero 101'." He glared at the Japanese youth for a moment. "I was a fool to think I could get any compassion from you. You aren't even human." Duo stormed out of the room, leaving Heero to wonder where all of this anger and bitterness was coming from. Duo was nomrally an upbeat, though frustrating, guy. To suddenly be so depressed and angry was unlike him. To even question who he was. What happened to him?

About a week later, Heero was working on simulations in his room again. Duo had been avoiding him, which was understandable, considering how angry he was, so Heero didn't pay any attention to him. The door to his room opened and Wu Fei stepped in.

"What is it, Wu Fei? I'm busy right now," he stated.

"Yuy, have you noticed anything wrong with Maxwell lately?" Heero's ears perked up. Apparently whatever was bugging Duo was starting to get attention.

"Such as?"

"He hasn't played any pranks on me for the last week. When I went to thank him for the reprive, he said he didn't have the heart for it anymore."

"Right. I'll talk to him later on." Wu Fei left. Pounding at his computer, Heero wondered how deep this depression went to make Duo stop his light hearted play. It wasn't long, though, before someone else came in his room.

"Hai, Quatre?"

"Have you talked to Duo lately?"

"No, why?"

"That's just it," the Arabian frowned in worry. "He won't talk to anyone. I understand that it isn't easy talking to you, Wu Fei, or Trowa considering all of your temperments, and quietness, but he isn't even talking to me. I'm starting to get worried; this isn't like him."

"What do you suggest?"

"I've already tried talking to him, but he won't say anything. He usually plays tricks on Wu Fei, so that leaves him out, and Trowa is to quiet himself. That leaves you."

"Right. I'll talk to him later on."

"Domo arigatoo." This was indeed a serious depression. Not talking to anyone more or less went against Duo's religion. Where was all of this coming from? What had happened? Heero debated breifly talking to the Doctors about what missions Duo had been on recently but decided against it. They wouldn't know anything about what happened to Duo personally on a mission, only if Duo had succeeded or not.

A short time later, someone else knocked on his door.

"Come in, Trowa."

"I take it Wu Fei and Quatre have already talked with you?"

"Yup. What have you noticed about Duo?"

"Little things. Wu Fei's probably told you about the lack of pranks and Quatre's told you about his quietness. There's more to it than that. It's little aspects in his behavior that's off as well."

"Such as?"

"His shoulders slump a little more than normal. He takes a second or two to give that bright smile. He's staying in his room more and more, instead of going out like he usually does. He doesn't eat as much, though very close. His hair isn't as well treated. Small things, but they're starting to add up."

"Right. Find Duo and send him down here. Not to this room, but down this hall. I'll talk to him."

"I understand."

A short time later, as Heero peered from his nearly shut door, Duo floated down the hall. As he passed, Heero jumped out, grabbing Duo's long braid that was ever in reach and pulled the American into his room.

"Hey! What're you doing?!" Duo pulled his braid away, rubbing his head with his other hand. "What's your problem?"

"That is the question."

"I beg your pardon?"

"What is your problem? You haven't been acting like yourself and the others are noticing."

"That is none of your business."

"Oh yes it is. Your behavior may afect all of us in battle, making you undependable. I'm going to make sure you're dependable again."

"Back off!" Duo yelled. "How are you going to do that, huh Mr. Superman? You gonna beat me back to normal? And here I thought I was conforming to Mr. Joe Average by toning myself down a little bit."

"Your recent actions have hardly been normal, either by your standards or by the average colonists standards." Heero kept is voice even, letting Duo have all the anger. "What happened to change you so much?"

Duo smiled. "And what makes you think that this isn't my normal way of behaving, and that my bright cheery attitude was the fake?"

"Because when you smiled before, it was genuine and it reached your eyes. When you smile now, it's fake."

"So Mr. Superman has figured that all out, has he? And what's Mr. Superman going to do about it now?"

Heero growled. "Duo, you ba-" He was cut off as his computer read an incoming message. Heero glared at Duo for a moment, then turned to his monitor, seeing a new mission from Dr. J that would require Trowa's assistance. When he turned around, Duo was gone. Heero let out a long sigh. Duo was really messed up right now.

A short time later, Trowa came in.

"New mission. How'd it go with Duo?"

"Lousy, but right now, the mission comes first." Together, they started to plan out how they would infiltrate the base in question.

Later that week, Heero was walking down a long hall, dressed as a maintenance man, heading for the mission objective. Plans for a new moblie suit that could be troublesome. Duo was still in the back of his mind though. He kept falling deeper and deeper into this depression and Heero didn't know how to pull him out. What had triggered this? Where was all of this stemming from? Since the five of them had reunited, Duo had never gone on any solo missions, so it had to be from before they teamed up again. But if that was the case, how long had he been sinking?

A guard stopped him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Where are you going?"

"Sir, ah'm aheaded for a leak that needs afixin'," he drawled.

"On who's authority?"

"Well, sir, ah don't see no trouble," Heero continued, pulling out his id card. He casually rubbed the back of his neck, reaching under a band-aide that was there and pushing a button. "Can ah be on me way, sir?"

"Now, just a minute, you little smart-" there was a nice loud explosion that rocked the building. Followed by a second, which meant that Trowa saw the signal. The plan had been simple. Trowa would draw the security to himself while Heero got the plans. As expected, the guard took off running, so Heero went down the hall.

A few minutes later, Heero rounded the corner that would take him to where the plans were supposed to be. But around that corner was about fifty armed and armored men. It was going to be one of those days. He started to fight his way through.

"Heero!" Trowa's voice came over the earplug he had. "Heero, I could use some help"

"Mission uncompleted."

"Abort the mission. Quatre and the others have the exact same objective in another base. If we can't get it here, then Quatre will."

"Are you sure? He has Duo with him."

"Quatre's the best, just like the rest of us. We were expected here, but probably not at the other base."

Leave it to the doctors ot have two infultrations at once. "Right. Mission aborted." Heero took down a few more soliders and started to retreat.

Once he reached Wing Zero, the scanners showed him no Mobile Suits in the area at all. He looked over to Heavyarms to see that it was badly scorched and damaged. This was all very odd. No Mobile Suits and Trowa was getting beaten?

"Trowa, what's going on? My sensors show no mobile suits in the area."

"That's just the problem. No enemies, but I'm still getting hit. Destroy the rest of the base!"

Without hesitation, Heero aimed his buster rifle and neatly blasted the rest of the base. No sooner had he finished then he was suddenly sent rocking by a blast that hit him from behind. Something had nailed him while not activating Zero's sensors. Was it some sort of new camoflauge technique? Still getting blasted, Zero slowly turned, eyeing the surrounding area. The satelite they had infiltrated was now in tiny parts floating all over space, but aside from that, there was nothing to hide behind. Heero magnifed to maximum. What was that? Despite being at maximum magnification, Heero saw a slight movement some distance off. He peered at it with his sharp eyes. A blast came from there and hit him hard. Heero was surprised. Not even the Gundams had that much of a range in firing.

"Trowa, it's some sort of Sniper Suit." Turning Wing Zero into a plane, Heero shot off towards the suit that had given both him and Trowa such a hard time. But when he got there, the sniper was long gone. "Damn it."

"Let's get back to base and see if the others had better luck."

Heero didn't reply. All he knew was that he suddenly had this sinking feeling about how the other team did.

Heero had just typed a curt message to Dr J saying their suits needed to be upgraded again for the new Sniper when he fell back into bed. He was rather surprised to see that Dr J answered immediately. Apparently that was why he and Trowa were sent on that mission. To get the information needed on the Sniper Suit so that the Doctors could upgrade their Gundams, and if he couldn't get it, then the other team had to.

Heero sighed. He sincerely doubted that the others would make it if the sniper was already in live combat testing and with Duo off his rocker. There was a nock on the door.

"Yeah?"

Trowa came in. "The others are coming back." Heero got up and followed Trowa to the docking bay. They arrived just in time to see a battered Deathsycthe and a beaten Shen Lon (Ultron?) come carrying in a severly damaged Sandrock. Not good. Not good at all.

Once the Gundams had "parked" Trowa immediately floated up to Sandrock, Heero following. Upon reaching Sandrock, Trowa tried to open the cockpit. It opened a little, then jammed. The pair started to pull, Wu Fei coming over to help. It took a few minutes, but with all three pilots pushing and pulling, the door finally opened and a very bruised and bloody Quatre fell into Trowa's arms.

"Medic!"

Heero grabbed a first aid kit from inside the cockpit and handed it to Trowa. He turned to Wu Fei. "What happened?"

"I don't know," Wu Fei retorted. "I did everything I was supposed to do."

"And what where you supposed to do?"

"When we were given our mission, we were told that there was a radio jammer in the base. So to make sure we all kept sycronized, and so that someone had back up most of the time, Quatre came up with this silly plan. The three of us were to go in. When we were halfway there, I'd go back, head for Nataku and start the diversion. By the time I statrted firing on the satilite, they'd be ¾ of the way there, so Quatre would turn around and come to support me, leaving Duo to finish up. I left when I was supposed to, but these two came back at the same time. Just before my com unit was hit, I got a transmission from them, saying that the mission was a failure."

Heero faulted Quatre for trusting Duo so much when he knew Duo wasn't in his right mind at the moment.

"What were you up against when you started your attack?"

"Initially, I was fighting Tauruses, but at about the time Quatre and Duo came back, they retreated, but I was still taking damage."

"That damn Sniper Suit. They knew we were coming to both bases. By now the information has probably been moved to a new installation."

"You didn't have any luck either?"

"No." By now, the medics had arrived, so Wu Fei and Heero moved towards the door. Looking around, Heero saw no sign of Duo.

"Trowa!" Heero called back. "Let me know when Quatre wakes up!" Trowa nodded and went with Quatre to the infirmary. Heero started down the halls by himself. Reaching the monitor room, Heero went inside and looked through the ship, trying to find Duo. He finally found the American in his room, sporting a large bruise on his face, and glaring at the oddest adornment he kept in his room. A human-sized sycthe. Duo stared at it, unmoving. Heero continued to observe him.

Some time later, Duo finally went to bed, but Heero stayed awake, watching. Something happened at that base, and the Japanese youth wanted to know what. Wu Fei didn't know the whole story, but Duo and Quatre did. Quatre was unconsious, though; and the previous two times he had talked to Duo ended up in arguments. Who had botched the mission? Was it Duo? Did he do so knowingly, or was it an accident? Did Duo get caught and Quatre then focus on freeing him? What had happened?

"Quatre's awake," Trowa said over the communit. Heero glanced at the clock. 3:17 a.m. Duo would probably remain asleep for a while, so he went to the infirmiry.

At the infirmiry, Trowa was sitting by Quatre, who despite injuries, was having a cup of tea. The petite Arab looked better than he had before, though he was still very pale. Bandages were placed on his arms, around his chest, on one around his head that also covered an eye. Heero was sure there was more, but Quatre wasn't about to let others worry about him. Setting aside his tea, the Sadrock pilot looked over to him.

"I'm glad you're here, Heero," he said quietly. "We've much to talk about." Heero pulled up a chair. Though he did not show it, Heero was surprised when Quatre reached out and took a firm grip on Trowa's wrist. Trowa raised an eyebrow, but Quatre didn't explain.

"Duo is much farther gone than I orignially thought."

"I'm aware of that."

"No, you don't understand. He tried to self-detonate."

"What?" both Trowa and Heero said.

"Let me start from the beginning," With his free hand, he took a sip of tea. "After Wu Fei left, things continued as they were supposed to. Duo and I continued to infiltrate and everything went fine up until Wu Fei started his attack. We were passing by a guard when Duo, despite the fact that neither of us were dressed as soliders, turned to me and said I had better get going to my Gundam."

Heero raised an eyebrow. Duo let that slip? In front of a guard?

"The guard, naturally, grabbed Duo, pointing a gun at his head and called for assistance. I didn't have a choice. I couldn't let Duo get killed."

Heero disagreed with that, but this was Quatre.

"The guard clubbed Duo, though he didn't fall unconsious, and then pointed his gun at me. We were taken to an interogation room."

Trowa got up with a very unhappy look in his eye and headed for the door. Quatre, who still had a firm grip on the pilot's wrist, pulled him back down into the seat.

"Duo was questioned first, but I think the interrogators believed that he only knew me as a pilot. Thinking he didn't know anything, they started in on me." Trowa got up again and Quatre pulled him down again. Taking another sip from his teacup, he continued. "Since they were all focused on me, Duo saw an opportunity and jumped his guard. From the commotion he made, I was able to slip away from those interrogating me.

"From there, we ran all the way back to our Gundams." Heero looked at Quatre. Though the small Arabian was obviously very bruised and battered, he had made it all the way back to his Gundam? Heero reminded himself that Quatre was not as weak as he often seemed. The youth continued. "Once in our Gundams, we started to fight the Tauruses around us. I was able to tell Wu Fei that the mission was a failure before his line went dead. I started to talk to Duo when I noticed that the Tauruses were retreating. Not knowing what was going on, I asked Duo for his opinion. When I looked at him on the viewscreen, he had a self-detonation device in his hand." Trowa got up again and Quatre pulled him down again. "Duo kept babbling. Things like 'they're everywhere' and 'I can't escape them'. Heero, you didn't put the Zero-system in his cockpit did you?"

"No."

"I was afraid of that." Quatre took another long sip of tea. "I tried to talk him out of suicide, but his finger was right on the button, ready to push at any moment. It was at that time that we came under fire from some unseen enemy."

"The Sniper Suit."

"Probably. The hits would really rock the Gundams, so I had to, more or less, protect Duo from the shots aimed at him, lest he hit the button by accident." Trowa got up again and Quatre pulled him down again. "I talked to him for quite a while under the enemy's fire before he finally put his self-detonation device down. I don't remember much after that."

The three of them sat in silence for a long time. The depression Duo was suffering from had obviously reached suicidal proportions and that wasn't good. But Heero still didn't know what had set him down that whole. Duo had never been on a solo mission since the five of them had joined up again, but if this came from before hand, how long had he been diving into those black depths of despair? What had pushed him there?

"It's very strange," Quatre said quietly. "His kokoro no uchuu is completely closed." Heero and Trowa looked at the bandaged pilot.

"Quatre," the green-eyed pilot said. "You have a space heart, not Duo." Quatre looked up to them, surprised.

"You don't know? No of course you wouldn't." Quatre took a deep breath for another explination. "You see, almost everyone on the colonies is born with a space heart." Trowa looked down. "Don't worry Trowa, you have a kokoro no uchuu as well. You see, anyone who has a love of outer space gets a space heart. People on earth tend to focus on their love for their planet, so they usually don't get one, but a few do. Noin-san and Sally-san for example. However, people with a space heart usually are unaware of having one, though it always guides them. That's why the colonies were so united under the original Heero Yuy. It was their space hearts that guided them. But being unaware of their hearts also has drawbacks. The colonies can be easily misguided, like when Oz brainwashed them to be militiristic. Fortunately, the colonies were somewhat divided over Oz, so some people were still listening to their kokoro no uchuu. Now, the five of us all have unusually strong kokoro no uchuu, which was probably one of the reasons we were chosen as Gundam pilots. You four obviously never knew of your hearts existance, and in a few cases, you have blocked you mind from your heart completely." Heero glanced at Trowa, who was glancing at him. They were both guitly of what Quatre had just explained.

"Now though you four don't have any control over your hearts, they usually remain bright and open. As you know, I have some control over my heart, which is the rare case that is usually documented. Just before I blacked out, I reached out with my heart to feel Duo's in an attempt to see if I could figure out what was bothering him so much. His heart was completely sealed, which, in and of itself, speaks of a very deep hurt. You guys never close your hearts, but Duo's is shut tighter than a drum."

Heero swallowed this information slowly. He reviewed it breifly then filed it away for later use.

"Knowing that we all have a kokoro no uchuu, it would be obvious that you are the most empathic person of all of us," Heero said to Quatre. "So why would Duo come to me for compassion?"

Trowa turned to him. "When did that happen?"

"A few weeks before you all came to me saying Duo was acting weird."

"He probably came to you because his space heart told him how similar the two of you are." Heero and Trowa blinked.

"Quatre," Trowa said. "Those two couldn't be similar even if they tried to be."

"On the contrary, they are both very alike." Quatre took another sip of tea. "For example, they both hide their emotions."

"I'd say Duo is second only to you in expressiveness," Heero stated.

"You're wrong, Heero," Quatre said. "You both hide your emotions, but in different ways. Like Trowa, you keep your face unreadable. That's your wall to the world. For Duo, he hides everything with a smile and a laugh. You both tend to push people away. You, Heero, by your cold eyes, Duo by not being serious about anything. You both have a woman in your life that you care for, yet do not love."

Heero waved a hand, motioning for Quatre to be quiet. There were one to many revalations about himself right now and he didn't need a full comparison of himself and Duo. Wait a minute. A woman whom Duo cared for?

"Do you think Hilde might be of some help with Duo?"

"It may be," Trowa said. "We're not exactly the easiest people to get along with."

"She has a good heart," Quatre agreed, yawning.

"I think you'd better get some sleep," Trowa said to the small blonde. "You have been through a lot."

"Sounds like a plan," Quatre replied, settling down into the sheets. Heero didn't bother staying. He headed for the nearest shuttle to get him to L2.

As he parked the shuttle back at their base, Heero noted that Trowa was there along with Quatre, who despite still being bandaged, seemed to be walking alright. Hilde went out and gave them both a big hug.

"It's good to see you guys again!" she said warmly. "I understand you need my help with some of your missions. Thanks for looking me up!"

Quatre leaned over to Heero. "You didn't mention Duo?"

"No, I thought she might be better help if she acted normally."

"Good thinking."

"Oi!" Hilde said. "Quatre, you should be in bed, from the look of you. And aren't you missing a few people here? Where's Duo and Wu Fei?"

"Wu Fei doesn't approve of women helping in missions," Trowa said easily. "You know that. And Duo's in his room."

"He wasn't hurt or anything, was he?" Hilde asked. "If he was, I'll have your heads!"

"No, he's just fine," Quatre said. "Trowa, why don't you take Hilde-san here to his room?" Trowa nodded and floated away with Hilde in tow. The small Arabian turned to Heero. "I'm sure you but a listening devise on her, so go ahead and follow her. I need to get back to bed." Heero nodded and headed for the monitor room. When he gazed at the monitors, Trowa was just leaving, and Hilde went into Duo's room.

As he had been ever since he got back from the failed mission, the braided American was staring at his human-sized scythe. He looked up as Hilde came in.

"Hey Duo!" she said cheerily. "What're you doing cooped up in here? I'd've thought you'd be out painting the town red!"

"Hilde!" Duo put on his smile. "What a surprise! What brings you here?"

"Your friend Heero recruited me to help. From the look of Quatre, I'd say you guys are having difficulty getting what you need."

"But this line of work is too dangerous for you!" Duo protested.

"It's not too dangerous for me, if it's not too dangerous for you."

"Hmph. Wish Heero had talked to me about that. I'd have talked him out of contacting you."

"You know Heero. He does things his way."

"Huh. Yeah, I guess he does," Duo mumbled. Putting his smile back on he stood up, putting away his scythe. "Tell ya what, Hilde. Let me treat you to an afternoon you'll never forget!"

"Wonderful!"

Perfect. Duo was brightening. Perhaps he would confide in Hilde what was bothering him so much. All Heero had to do was follow them into town.

Oops. To long.