SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(standard disclaimer)
Chapter Three: Continuity
(Scene: Scott's apartment living room. It has deteriorated a bit
since the last time we saw it. Most notably, there's a Ranma-shaped
impact crater in one of the walls. Scott, Ranma (male form) and Akane
are gathered around a card table. Scott has a cardstock screen in front
of him, and it is evident to the well-informed they're engaged in some
sort of role-playing game.)
Scott (voice-over): It's been about a week since the "invasion" began.
Anime characters entering the real world to do unto fanfic authors as had
been done unto them. I had thus far gotten off relatively lightly, with
some public humiliation and an induced nightmare. And of course, the
continued presence of Ranma and Akane as my house guests.
Others had not been so fortunate. Jyuusenkyo curses,
Boomerization, being forced to relive the most painful parts of their own
stories and other indignities had occurred. Some of the characters had
been truly vindictive. There'd even been reports of monsters running
amok only to be stopped by newly empowered (if emasculated) otaku. All
in all, the world was now a much more interesting place.
Some of the authors have chosen to try to "strike back." I
declined to join them, since my own visitors appeared to be benign, and I
really didn't want to risk involuntary species change or worse. Besides,
it was fun having them around...
(Akane throws a handful of dice.)
Akane: 14 BODY and 83 STUN!
Scott (scribbling furiously): Draalzor goes flying into the wall!
*rattle rattle* He takes a bit more damage, and is down for the count!
Mighty Girl wins again!
Akane: Yay!
Ranma: Big whoop. This game is way too math-intensive.
Akane: Well, if you'd study harder, you could build an effective
character on 250 points too.
Scott: Hey, that's right, aren't you kids missing school?
Ranma: I don't miss it one bit.
Akane: We spent ten years as freshmen, and when we get back, we'll just
have more stories set there. Stories with us in college or grown up come
as something of a relief, let me tell you.
(The hall door opens, and Nabiki steps in, wearing a business suit.)
Nabiki: Knock, knock.
R,A & S: Hi, Nabiki!
Nabiki: Good news and good news! I got your credit record fixed, Scott
(though it would've been a lot easier if you'd ever used Nene Romanova in
a story), and you're now on retainer as the anime/manga critic for the
New York Times. Seems the recent...events have sparked new interest in
the phenomenon.
Scott: Thanks, Nabiki!
Nabiki: De nada. Here's your bill.
(Scott bigsweats, something he never used to be able to do...)
Scott: Well, let's take a look. (Braces himself.) "Major sympathetic
role in an upcoming story; better boyfriend than Kunou (no avatars!); new
CD player; win the lottery."
Nabiki: It doesn't have to be all in *one* story, of course.
Scott: I'll see what I can arrange. Hmm, "Nabiki becomes filthy rich..."
Nabiki: My work here is done. Akane, take me home.
Akane: Okay, big sis.
(they go into the kitchen, and there is a bright flash of light
from that direction.)
Ranma: Now if we could only make some headway on your love life.
Scott: It's not your fault women don't seem to be attracted to me.
Ranma: But this is getting ridiculous! Singles club, no luck. Grocery
store, no luck. Heck, you didn't even get any offers from the whores on
Second Avenue!
Scott: I do declare, there are times when I am so lonely, I could take
some comfort there. Still, maybe the personals ad will turn something
up. It's how my brother met his wife.
(Phone rings. Scott picks it up.)
Scott: Yello? Oh, hi Mom! You got my message then. Tomorrow night?
That'd be nice. Say, can I bring a couple of friends? I'm putting them
up while they're in town. Yes I know my apartment's way too small for
that. Umm...I met them through my anime hobby. Sweet kids. So, where
we going? Oh. I see. No, no, I'm sure everything will be fine. I'll
be ready around five, and I've got a lot to tell you folks! Seeya! Bye!
(Hangs up.)
Scott: Good news, mostly. We're invited to a family dinner tomorrow.
Ranma: Great! Having to conserve food has been the pits.
Scott: There's a catch though. It's being held at Uncle Helmar's. My
uncle's a nice guy really, but he's a touch...opinionated.
Ranma: On what?
Scott: Well, he believes that all magic is Satanic in origin. Also all
comic books and cartoons and rock music. Oh, and that the father is the
head of the household and should be obeyed at all times.
Ranma: Oh-kay. So you're saying, don't mention the curse, where exactly
we're from, my taste in bands, or my old man.
Scott: That should do it. Say, I've been wondering, how come Akane does
all the dimension hopping for you two?
Ranma: Well, I could do it if I *wanted* to, but the maneuver has some,
um, special requirements. (blushes)
Scott (clearly puzzled): Special requirements?
Ranma: You can't do it if you have, um, male anatomy.
Scott: Oh. (winces)
(Bright flash of light from the kitchen. Akane comes in carrying
a box.)
Akane: I'm back! Cologne sent along a box of spices and spare artifacts.
Scott: No love potions!
Akane: No?
Scott: Chemically-assisted rape is still rape, and besides, those things
never work right.
Ranma: Good point. Okay, no potions.
Scott: By the way, we're invited to a family dinner tomorrow.
Akane: Your family? Then I'll have to make something extra-special to
bring along!
(Scott face-faults.)
Scott: Y'know, I think I'm getting the hang of that. Hardly hurt at all.
* * * *
(Scene: The apartment living room, dark. Only the glow from the
VCR clock illumines the area. The hall door opens, Scott enters and
turns on the light.)
Ranma (off): Uncute violent tomboy!
Akane (off): Insensitive weirdo jerk!
Male voice (off, in Mexican-accented Spanish):
(Good thing this version of our hero doesn't understand Spanish...)
Scott: Um, guys, could you keep it down? At least get out of the hallway.
(Akane and Ranma enter, and turn their backs on each other.)
Scott: Okay, so we all made a few mistakes, and I'm probably banned from
Uncle Helmar's house for life. But there's no need to overreact.
Akane: Over-REACT!? Ranma insulted my cooking!
Ranma: How was I supposed to know?
Akane: You knew perfectly well I cooked brownies!
Scott: Besides, that's how lutefisk is *supposed* to smell, look and
taste. Aunt Judith was very hurt. Not to mention what you did to her
furniture. Uff da!
Ranma: You didn't tell me they had a cat!
Scott: It's been a year. Slipped my mind.
Akane: At least it interrupted your uncle's twenty-minute sermon on the
evils of "living in sin." As if!
Scott: It was an understandable error. After all, two good-looking
young people of (usually) opposite genders living in my tiny bedroom does
look kind of spicy if you don't know the circumstances. Besides, we all
know that if it weren't for the forced engagement you two would be going
at it like lust weasels.
Ranma & Akane: Would not!
Scott: In fact, if I thought I stood a snowball's chance in hell, I'd be
going after Akane myself.
Ranma: You can have--
Scott: Watch it, Ranma. First off, you don't really mean that, because
if it looked like I was serious, you'd start getting jealous again.
Second, you're forgetting that Akane has a mind and feelings of her own!
Akane: Yeah!
Ranma: Okay, okay, I overreacted...
Akane: And so did I. Sorry, Scott.
Scott: You're forgiven. Time to check my e-mail.
(Scott turns on the computer.)
Ranma: Still, it wasn't very nice of your uncle to try and exorcise me.
Scott: After that cat-fit you threw, and turning into a woman right in
front of his eyes, I'd say Uncle Helmar had good reason to suspect
demonic possession. Remember, he's never seen your show. And view new
messages...
Akane: Your parents were relatively nice, if awfully quiet.
Scott: Well, they've never really approved of my hobbies, and the living
embodiment of anime weirdness was a bit much for them. But they know
enough to let me do my thing.
Ranma: Your dad seemed to get a big kick out of the exorcism though.
Scott: We don't get to see Uncle Helmar that worked up too often. I
don't think he's foamed at the mouth that much since he caught his kids
playing D&D in the basement.
Speaking of overdoing it, I see some of these fanfic authors seem
to have developed superpowers one way or another.
Ranma (grinning): That's right, they've become avatars.
Scott: But they're planning to invade the anime worlds. Doesn't that
worry you?
Akane: Actually, that was expected.
Scott: Huh?
Akane: You see, by gaining powers and traveling to our worlds, your
"real" world and ours become closer for them. They essentially become
characters in someone's story, which is how they thought of us. You
might call it the ultimate revenge.
Scott: So for them, fantasy and reality become so intertwined that they
can no longer tell the difference? Mom always warned me that would
happen.
Ranma: Metaphysics make my head hurt.
Akane: I'll get some asprin. (goes into kitchen.)
Scott: Poor Kun-kun.
Ranma: Ha! You should've heard what *Ukyou* had in mind for her!
Scott: Yes?
Ranma: Well, I don't remember all the details, but it involved Passion
Spice, Spring of Drowned Pig and three showings a week on the Nature
Channel.
Scott: Ewww!
Ranma: Ryouga talked her out of it. He's too shy to do cable TV, and
besides, it's not Miss Seawright's fault the Creator made Ukyou look bad
in the last story.
Scott: So, is she going to take it up with Takahashi-sensei, then?
Akane (returning): Not likely. Anything the Creator does is canon, and
Ukyou doesn't want to end up in permanent toad form or anything. Here's
the asprin.
Ranma: Thanks.
Akane: Now let's start planning for tomorrow night.
Ranma: Why? What are we doing tomorrow night?
Akane: The same thing we do every night, Ranma, try to take o--no, wrong
script--try to find Scott a date!
To Be Continued
In our next exciting episode, another lame dream sequence,
and--Shampoo lends a hand!
SKJAM!
"Yes, Uncle Helmar really is like that..."
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