SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(Standard disclaimer)
Chapter Four: "Let's Get Serious!"
(Scene: Scott's apartment living room. Several pieces of
furniture have been broken and crudely mended; the TV table in particular
has a bad list. Scott, Ranma and Akane are opening letters.)
Akane: ..."Dear Scott, after seeing your picture I became very happy.
At last I know there is a more pathetic loser in the world than myself..."
Scott: ..."Dear Scott, thanks for sending the picture. My cellmate has
lost all interest in sex since I taped it on my bunk..."
Ranma: ..."Ha! Hahahahoohahaha!" And like that for six pages. Must be
related to the Kunous.
Scott: So much for personal ads. My online advertisement got about the
same response. Once they see a picture, it's byebye!
Akane: And that video dating service actually paid you not to become a
customer! The nerve of some people!
(Ranma sweeps the letters from the table.)
Ranma: That does it! Akane, we gotta talk.
(They go into the kitchen. We hear sounds of arguing. Scott
picks up the letters.)
Akane (off): Are you sure?
Ranma (off): Yes, the time has come!
(They come back in. Ranma is carrying a plastic liter bottle
filled with clear liquid.)
Akane: We're sorry, Scott--
Ranma: But ordinary measures have failed, so we're going to have to
resort to something extraordinary to finish this now.
Scott (trying to keep a stiff upper lip): So this is it, then. You're
going to turn me into a girl.
Ranma: Huh? Oh, no, this is just ordinary water. I got thirsty.
Scott: *whew* Then what exactly did you have in mind?
Akane: We're marrying you to Kasumi.
Scott: Kasumi? (Glasses fog over, then clear.) But I thought--
Ranma: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Scott: Um... You're not sticking me with the psycho Kasumi from
Appearances, are you?
Akane: Nope! No serial killers for you.
Scott: And not the really dim Kasumi from The Other Attractiveness
Factor, or the depressing one from Hold On?
Ranma: We're making, uh, arrangements. The Kasumi you marry will be a
near-genius anime fan. And I *guarantee* you'll be happy.
Scott: Wow! So how does this work?
Ranma: Well, first I do this...
(Whacks Scott upside the head with the water bottle)
(Fade to black)
* * *
(Fade back in on the apartment. Everything's been repaired
properly and the place is gleaming with cleanliness. Kasumi is typing at
the computer. Actually it takes a moment to realize it *is* Kasumi, as
she's atypically wearing a muscle shirt and dungarees. She seems quite
involved in whatever it is she's writing.)
(Scott enters from the kitchen. He's smiling sunnily, and
wearing a barbeque apron emblazoned "Kiss the Cook." He hums "My
Favorite Things" as he walks over to the bookcase, picks out a video, and
begins polishing it, then goes on to the next one. This goes on for a
while until a soft chime comes from the kitchen.)
Scott: Oh my! The cookies are ready!
(He bustles off to the kitchen. Kasumi continues typing. A few
minutes later, Scott returns with a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a
glass of milk. He sets them down by the computer.)
Scott: Here you are, honey.
Kasumi: Thanks, Scott. Gee, you're spoiling me rotten.
Scott: Don't be silly! It's the least I can do for my sugarmuffin.
(Kasumi resumes typing one-handed while eating. Scott begins
massaging her shoulders.)
Scott: So whatcha doin', Kasumi?
Kasumi: I'm writing a think-piece--mm, these cookies are delicious--on
the metaphysical ramifications of Hammerspace.
Scott: Wow, Kasumi, you're so smart! Ram-ifi-cations...that has
something to do with sheep, doesn't it?
(Kasumi shakes her head.)
Scott: Oh bother! I should know that word. I used to know that word, I
think. I used to know a lot of things. I did used to be smart, didn't
I, Kasumi?
Kasumi: Yes, dear. You used to be quite intelligent until that accident
with the defective mind-switching device that transposed large portions
of our intellects. It happened just before the wedding, remember?
Scott: Yes, I remember, sort of. It just leaked out of my tiny brain.
I'm such a ditz now!
(His smile fades.)
(Kasumi stands up and embraces him.)
Kasumi: Well, maybe that's true, but you're an adorable little
fluffhead, and I love you just the way you are.
Scott (smiling again): Thanks, Kasumi. You always know just what to say!
(Kasumi unties his apron strings.)
Kasumi: You know, I don't have to finish what I was writing right away.
We could have a little fun first...(kisses him)...Scott-chan.
Scott: Oh boy, sex! Kasumi-sama, you're the best!
(They go in for the clinch, and we fade out before this turns
into a lemon.)
* * *
(Scene: Scott's apartment, dark. Scott writhes in his chair,
asleep, while Phoenix Ikki sits nearby, grinning nastily.)
Scott: But I don't wanna be a mindless wife-bot!
(Scott snaps awake.)
Scott: Gahh! Oh, a dream? Ranma, izzat you? (He puts on his
glasses.) Yeek! Phoenix Ikki? What are you doing here again?
Ikki: I heard you were thinking of redoing "Edge of Tomorrow."
Remember, this time I win. Also, Akane and Ranma had to go back to
Nerima for a bit, and they asked me to keep an eye on you.
Scott: If this is your idea of "keep an eye on", I'd hate to see "scare
the bejeezus out of." I take it I have you to thank for that nightmare?
But I've never written a story where Kasumi was *that* stupid and servile!
Ikki: No, but you've had fantasies about her, haven't you? Degrading
sexist fantasies... I only had to exaggerate them a little, and switch it
around of course.
Scott: You really are a sick puppy, aren't you?
Ikki: I had a rough childhood.
Scott: Um, yeah, still...I'd really prefer it if you left now.
Ikki: Fine. (Walks to hall door.)
Scott: What, no teleportation?
Ikki: Why bother? I live next door now.
Scott: But the Mexican guys...
Ikki: Them? Oh, they...moved. Yes, that's it, moved far away.
(Grins.) Since no one else on the list seems to need revenging for Seiya
fics, I'm hanging around.
Scott: Oh.
(Ikki leaves.)
Scott: Brr. Wonder what the kids are up to?
* * *
(Scene: The Tendou Dojo training hall. (At last, a different
set!) The regular Ranma cast is having a meeting. It seems to have
devolved into a shouting match. Soun bangs a gavel on the table.)
Soun: Excuse me...I say...Quiet, please...
(Akane picks up a big mallet and smashes the table with it.)
Akane: SHUT UP!
(Everyone quiets down.)
Soun: As I was saying, perhaps we're going about this from the wrong
end. Perhaps we should try to figure out what kind of woman Scott should
be going after. Let's make a list of the necessary qualities. Ranma,
you start.
Ranma: She should be feminine and cute and a good cook!
Akane (shooting Ranma a venomous glance): She should tell him when he's
wrong.
Ryouga: She should always be there for him.
Nabiki: She should be able to balance a checkbook. Hey, I've met the
guy. Money smart he's not.
Kunou: She should be faithful to him!
Kasumi: She should be mild-tempered.
Mousse: She should appreciate his love.
Shampoo: Good fighter! Strong!
Gosunkugi: She should notice him.
Nodoka: She should hold him to his promises.
Genma (nervous glance): She should be forgiving of his mistakes.
Ukyou: She should be a friend to him.
Happosai: She should let him feel her up!
(Everyone glares at him.)
Happosai: Well, she should!
Kodachi: She should have a good sense of humor! Hoohohoohoohoo!
Cologne: She should always be a step ahead of him.
Soun: Back to me, eh? She should *snf* be a rock of emotional stability
for him...*WAAH!* (copious tears)
Ranma: Who are we kidding? there isn't a woman on the real Earth who
can match all that.
Genma: Well, the list can be whittled down. Has Scott indicated his
preferences?
Akane: Other than the obvious (glances at Kasumi, who pretends not to
notice) his absolute minimum requirements are: legal adult, breathing,
available, and interested in him. It's that last requirement we've been
having trouble with.
Cologne: Haven't those herbs and artifacts I sent helped?
Ranma: Scott has moral objections to love potions and such. Besides,
you didn't send instructions with that stuff.
Cologne: Then you should take Shampoo back with you, son-in-law.
Akane: He is not your son-in-law! And what good would she do?
Shampoo: Scott give Shampoo brain in "Neko-Philia." So she make good
plans!
Cologne: I've given her detailed instructions on how to use the magic
items.
Ranma: Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.
(ominous thunder)
Ranma: Or maybe not. What the heck, go get ready.
Shampoo: Joy! (rushes off.)
Akane: I have a baad feeling about this.
* * *
(Scene: Scott's apartment, afternoon. Scott's back at the
computer, but his hair is wet, and there are newspapers spread by the
door with wet shoes on them. We can hear the sounds of rain outside.
There's a flash of light from the kitchen. Ranma, Akane and Shampoo
enter. Shampoo is looking about curiously.)
Ranma & Akane: We're back!
Scott (turning around): Hi, kids! Oh, (stands up) you brought...
Shampoo: Shampoo here too! Nihao!
Scott: Um, welcome, Shampoo, I'm Scott K. Jamison.
Ranma: She came to help us help you.
Scott: Oh. How?
Shampoo: Shampoo teach Scott new moves, so he can challenge girl he
like. Scott win, get to marry her!
Scott: Um, Shampoo, we don't do it that way in America.
Shampoo: No?
Scott: In fact, if I attacked a woman that way, I'd go to prison for
assault and maybe attempted rape.
Shampoo: Aiyah! Stupid American customs!
Scott: Speaking of customs, where did you guys think Shampoo is going to
sleep?
Shampoo: Shampoo sleep with husband!
Ranma & Akane: I/he am/is not your husband!
Scott: I'd say that's a no-go. I'll see if Ikki is willing to put you
up.
Shampoo: Aww.
Scott: Don't worry. I'll keep an eye on Ranma and Akane for you.
Shampoo (brightening): But first, Shampoo make dinner! So, so delicious
ramen!
Scott: That sounds good.
Shampoo (in Chinese):
* * *
(A couple of hours later. The card table is set with steaming
bowls. Seated counter clockwise from left are Shampoo, Scott, Ranma and
Akane. They're all eating.)
Scott: And now their enormous avatar egos are causing plot
contradictions! Makes me really glad I didn't hook up with that lot.
Shampoo: Shampoo glad too. She no want to have to kill you.
Scott: Can you imagine it? A planet named Fred!
(Everyone laughs. there is an electrical display around their
heads for a moment, but no one notices.)
Ranma (still stuffing himself): Shampoo cook good!
Akane: Ranma jerk! (hits him.)
Ranma: Ranma just talk nice! Akane uncute!
Scott: Why violent couple talk funny? Ut-oh...
Akane: Akane no talk funny, she...huh?
R,A & S: Shampoo?!!
Shampoo: This was not what I had in mind, I assure you.
Scott: What Shampoo mean happen, yes?
Shampoo: You were supposed to get the hots for Akane, and vice versa,
whilst I and Ranma did the same.
R & A: Hey!
Shampoo: It seemed to make sense at the time. Akane gets a lover who
will treat her nicely, I get the strong fighter I want. Happy endings
all around.
Scott: But when potion wear off...
Shampoo: I figured you'd be so grateful for the sex you'd want to keep
Akane. It worked on me in Riders, remember?
Scott: That sillyfic!
Shampoo: I don't understand what went wrong, since I followed the recipe
exactly.
Scott: Hmm. Scott see spice Shampoo use?
Shampoo: Fair enough.
(She goes into the kitchen and returns with a small bottle.)
Shampoo: This is the main ingredient, Directed Passion Spice.
(Scott takes the bottle and looks at it.)
Scott: Bottle clean. Dusty when arrived. Label loose. Akane wash
bottles, yes?
Akane: Yes...
Scott: Labels come off, Akane put back on?
Akane: Ooer...
Ranma: Akane mess up again!
Akane: Grr...
Scott: No! Akane no mess up, save Ranma from Shampoo!
Shampoo: Hey!
Scott: Scott *tell* kids love potions never work right! *sigh* Done is
done. Now what?
Shampoo: Well, until the Babel Spice wears off, I might as well take
this opportunity to explain why Amazon customs are philosophically
superior to those of Japan or the United States. I may never sound this
coherent in English again....
To Be Continued
Next time: "I can't take you people anywhere!"
SKJAM!
"Burnin' Faibard!"
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