SAUCE
by Scott K. Jamison
(standard disclaimer)
Chapter Seven: Sweet Revenge
(Scene: A church, where a wedding is about to begin. Scott and
Daisy's wedding to be precise. The guests are being seated. They can be
broken into roughly two groups: Real-life relatives and friends of the
happy couple, and fictional characters, though today the lines are
somewhat blurred. Most of the anime, manga, comic book and role-playing
game characters have tactfully worn formal or semi-formal clothing,
although a few are in their standard outfits. Some of the more
outlandish-looking types are getting stares. Fanfic authors feel free to
cameo.)
(The music begins, played by a pretty pink-haired organist.)
(A few stragglers, including Ryouga, a one-eyed old man in a gray
cloak and two female police officers who look vaguely familiar manage to
find seats.)
(The processional begins. Daisy and Scott are of course bride
and groom. Ranma and Akane get to be best man and maid of honor
respectively. The rest of the wedding party are real-lifers, including
Scott's nephew Terran as ring bearer and niece Faith as flower girl
(because they're cute!) Everyone takes their places and the ceremony
begins.)
Serena: What gives? I thought this Scott guy was supposed to be
incredibly ugly. He looks normal to me.
Neo-Queen Serenity: That's because he never truly was ugly. His
seemingly hideous appearance was really a metaphorical outward
manifestation of the way his treatment by women made him feel. Now that
he's found love, he doesn't look so bad. We'll see a lot of this sort of
thing over the years.
(The Good Book is read, followed by Eriko Tamura singing "When I
Fall In Love.")
Soun: WAAH! (copious tears)
Nabiki: Honestly, Dad, show a little dignity.
Soun: But I always cry at weddings. It's a tradition!
(The minister gives his wedding sermon. Some of the less
attentive members of the audience start fidgeting. There's a brief
electrical glow as Ataru is "discouraged" from making moves on Makoto
Kino. (Yes, both Sailor Scouts and Senshi are in attendance.) More
stragglers in bizarre clothing sneak in. Several of them vaguely
resemble Scott.)
Mimsey (tall buxom blonde police officer): Isn't it romantic? Our
creator is getting married!
Kira (looks like a white-haired Noa Izumi): Yeah, but remember our
mission! Today the Hanged Lord will be arrested! (gestures towards the
one-eyed man.)
(The organist launches into a medley of favorite anime love
songs. Most of the real-life people are completely baffled.)
Ranma (thinks): I'm amazed nobody's disrupted the wedding yet. Akane
sure looks beautiful, I should tell her. Man, I hope we eat soon.
Akane (thinks): I hope Ranma and I get another romantic scene soon.
Maybe even a story where he likes my cooking. Daisy and Scott look so
happy!
Ukyou (thinks): I love weddings! Too bad I don't get to be the bride
often enough...sure hope Zen hurries up and writes one for me soon! The
catering contract for this should pull in a bundle.
Shampoo (thinks in Chinese:
Kodachi (thinks): HOO-- (On second thought, let's not go there :-)
Various Women Who in Real Life Wouldn't Give Me the Time of Day (think):
Dang! I never noticed what a good catch Scott was until it was too
late! Boy am I sorry I passed him up when he was available.
(Hey, it's *my* fantasy, okay?)
Minister: If there is anyone here who has any reason why these two
should not be married, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
(Dead silence for a count of ten. Everyone sighs in relief when
no challenge is forthcoming.)
(The vows and rings are exchanged.)
Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife. Go ahead, kiss.
(Scott and Daisy do.)
Ataru: The tongue, man! Use the tongue!
Lum: *ZAP*
(After a brief prayer, everyone sings the hymn "Morning has
Broken" and the service is over.)
* * *
(The reception hall, well into the celebration. Several
familiar-looking women meet by the okonomiyaki grill.)
Priss: You gave them a life-sized stuffed Ranma?
Kodachi: Why not? It's what he gave me for *my* wedding. What did he
do to you?
Priss: He made me date his friend's avatar. That part wasn't so bad,
the guy was kinda sweet and a real gentleman, but I hadda give up
drinking, smoking and cussing for the duration.
(Pulls out a hip flask and takes a swallow.)
Haman Khan: He had the cream of Neo-Jion defeated by Pastel Yumi and a
tabloid reporter. Admittedly, we didn't have our mecha, but really
now... And you, dear?
Eiko: I don't want to talk about it.
Kodachi: Oh, do dish the dirt. It'll make you feel better.
Eiko: It's just so *hentai*! (whispers details)
Haman: You don't mean...
Eiko: Yup. And then the stupid GM kept juggling the timeline so we
never actually got to consummate!
Priss: Now *that's* hentai. Have a belt, kid.
(Hands her the flask.)
Eiko: Don't mind if I do.
(Ataru gets girl-chasing tips from City Hunter while Lum talks to
Uncle Helmar. The latter is desperately trying to ignore her green hair,
pointed ears, fangs, horns and the fact that she's hovering a foot above
the ground. It's not working and Helmar is fingering his pocket
crucifix...)
(Pastel Yumi sorta-flirts with Terran, who's still in his
"girls? Why would I hang out with girls?" phase.)
(Brainiac Five and Sailor Pluto slip off for a while. Their
clothing is noticeably disarrayed when they come back.)
(A young woman with very feline features, fur and a tiger-striped
dress approaches Ranma.)
Catspaw: Hi! Catspaw think pig-tailed boy look good in tux. Want to
play?
Ranma: YAAH! Neko-musume! (Runs away.)
Catspaw: Why he run? Catspaw not bite.
Shampoo: Long sad story. Shampoo tell Catspaw...
(Akane talks to SKJAM! (Scott's alter ego in GRIT) and the
organist.)
SKJAM!: But how did you finally get him with someone?
Akane: It wasn't easy. We finally had Shampoo use her brainwashing
trick to make Scott forget her. (Gestures towards organist.)
SKJAM!: I feel I should know you Miss, but the name escapes me.
Organist: I'm Minky Momo. Pleased to meet you.
Akane: Scott was skittish about using magic, so we made him forget about
Momo and what happened in her series so he wouldn't spot the clues.
SKJAM!: Using magic to make someone fall in love is unethical, you know.
Momo: No, no! The Legend Inn doesn't make people fall in love, it just
increases the chance that two people who will fall in love will meet. To
about 95%.
SKJAM!: I see. The "Love Boat" effect.
Akane: Except with less washed-up actors.
Momo: After that, it was just a matter of subtly nudging the
relationship along.
(A six-year-old girl with an off-center brown ponytail runs by,
followed by her rather harried mother. The girl drops a manga, a doll
and several small toys as she runs into Ranma.)
Ranma: Whoa, little lady! You all right?
Mirai: I'm okay, Mister.
Future Natsumi (bowing): I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Saotome.
Ranma: No problem. Say, what's this? (picks up the manga) "Adventures
of the Jamison Family"?
F. Natsumi: It's about what happens when Scott and Daisy's children hit
adolescence.
Ranma: You don't say. (flipping pages) Hmm..heh...uh-oh...wow! And
this is only Volume One?
Mirai: Mama reads it to me all the time! Auntie's best!
F. Natsumi: My aunt is the artist, you see...
Ranma: I think we'll keep this little gem a secret...
(Scott and Daisy are chatting with a young Japanese woman with
multi-colored hair and a "tough" attitude that on her comes across as
kawaii.)
Scott: Are the rest of Zen Team here, Nezuko?
Nezuko: They're around here somewhere.
Daisy: You have very...interesting hair.
Nezuko: Thanks. Y'know, I think this is the first wedding I've been to
that didn't have a fight erupt--
Voice (off): HAHAHAHAH!
(A figure stands in the window. He's wearing a white rubbery
bodysuit with black trim and a scarlet cape. Though his features are
hidden by a mask, he carries himself with an air of nobility. He wields
a single red rose, which he throws at Nezuko. She slices it in half with
a switchblade we didn't notice she had.)
Figure: At last you shall be mine, proud beauty!
Nezuko: Not again! Go away Zen Scorpion!
Zen Scorpion: Certainly not! At least not before my minions capture you
and destroy your teammates! Attack!
(Generic sentai cannon fodder pour into the room.)
Kira: C'mon Mimsey! Hanged Lord, you have the right to re--
Hanged Lord: I'll not be captured today! (Touches runes sewn into his
cape and chants in Old Norse. Several *large* wolves suddenly appear.)
Haman Khan (into communicator): Strike now! Sieg Jion!
(Neo-Jion troopers storm in.)
(Grand Guignol, a mad scientist that looks like an evil Einstein,
grows to twenty feet tall.)
GG: At last! Let no one escape alive, my Theatre d'Horreur!
(More supervillains reveal themselves.)
Nezuko (slapping her watch): Zen ON! (She transforms into Zen Mouse and
promptly turns invisible to hide her embarrassingly kawaii pink costume.)
Ranma: All right! Fight sequence!
Kodachi: Who is this Zen Scorpion, and why does he excite me so?
(Rips off her dress to reveal her leotard and bounds for the
intruder, spinning her ribbon as she goes.)
Kodachi: HOOHOOhahaOHHOO!
Zen Scorpion: Who is this crazy woman, and why do I suddenly feel less
interested in Nezuko?
(Various heros transform, change clothes or just launch into the
hordes of baddies. Massive action scenes involving ki blasts, giant
carnivorous plants, sharp pointy objects, lightning bolts, small arms
fire, blunt trauma and just hitting people ensue. Even some of the
real-life people get involved, as any martial arts training, combat
experience or even just a good attitude makes them equal to the faceless
minion types.)
(Miraculously, no one important is seriously hurt, and Scott and
Daisy come through entirely unscathed. Actually, Scott's tie is missing,
but everyone knows Scott hates ties, so he probably threw it away when no
one was looking. Oh, and Ataru is embedded in the concrete floor, but
he'll be better soon.)
(The hall is a shambles though, and some of the departing guests
look a bit worse for wear.)
Random Guest: Weird food, really strange guests, and the biggest
special-effects budget I've ever seen for entertainment! Scott really
knows how to throw a party.
(The Bronze Saints leave. Ikki's tux has had the sleeves torn
off. Not that the damage was done in combat; he just like them that
way.)
Ikki: C'mon, just one more Genma Ken for the road?
Seiya: No! Two dream sequences are enough for any story.
(Eventually, it's down to the happy couple, a few relatives and
Team Ranma.)
Scott: I'm really going to miss you guys.
Daisy: Me too.
Ranma: Nice to hear that, but we really gotta let you get on with your
life. Get some peace and quiet for a while. (thinks) You'll need it...
Akane: Congratulations! We might drop by in a year or two to see how
you're getting on.
Shampoo: Daisy no throw bouquet?
Daisy: That's right! In all the commotion we forgot that! Line up girls!
(The female cast members gather in a cluster, and Daisy tosses
the flowers. They keep bouncing about as the girls body check each other
and such like, then fly up into the air. The bouquet lands in Ranma's
arms just as a passing truck splashes a puddle on him, now her. She
looks dazed.)
(Closeup of Scott and Daisy's laughing faces. They fade into
pastel line drawings, and we pull back to see it's an illustration in a
book.)
Old Woman (voice-over): And they lived happily ever after.
Child (v/o): Really and truly?
(We pull back and see an elderly female Ranma surrounded by
children.)
Ranma-obaasan: Well, actually they lived reasonably happily for a good
long time. But the other ending is more traditional.
Child: I wanna hear the one about the evil kumquat fairy! Pleese,
Gramma?
Ranma-obaasan: How many times do I have to tell you young'uns, it's
*Grandpa*!
THE END
Thanks to everyone who put up with this.
Inspirations for this story include the Chrys Saga, Twisted Path,
Bubblegum Eek and fragments of many other fanfics.
Also, thanks to the Fan Fiction Mailing List, who thought this
story was special enough to start its own subgenre.
"Sauce" is dedicated to everyone who's ever deserved a happy ending.
SKJAM!
"Waiting for my life to begin..."
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