Part One
//Got to get you out
of my mind,
But I can’t escape from the feeling.
As I try to leave the memory behind
Without you what’s left to
believe in?//
(Out of My Mind ~ Duran Duran)
Heero sat bolt upright on his chair and tried to looked calm. This was not easy
as his insides were churning with a sensation he had hardly ever encountered…
he was nervous.
“Stop pulling at your tie.” His best man scolded him. “It will come undone… _again_.”
Heero quickly moved his hand away from his collar, he had not been aware that he was showing any outward signs of his inner turmoil. “It’s tight.” He said shortly.
Wufei shot him a disbelieving look, but said nothing. However, Quatre laughed. “Isn’t that the common complaint of all grooms?” He asked.
Trowa shrugged slightly. “Only Wufei could confirm.” He said.
The Chinese man’s expression was superior. “I was not nervous.” He said loftily. “I knew _exactly_ what I was doing.”
Heero barely listened to his friends as he once more began to dwell on his wedding. The road leading to this day had been fraught with emotion over the last two months. Several times he had considered halting the plans and putting the date off, but Hilde always insisted that they go through with the wedding as they had planned six months ago. Heero rubbed the back of his neck. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to marry Hilde… he did. He knew that he loved her with everything he had and that she returned his feelings, but neither of them could completely dismiss the two other people who had been most hurt by their engagement. Heero’s eyes darkened. As much as he disliked the thought, he couldn’t help thinking that everything would have been much easier if Duo had just stayed _dead_.
Someone moved into his line of vision and he glanced up to see Lady Une before him. She smiled, but there was worry in her eyes and she looked briefly over her shoulder before speaking.
“Heero, you have some visitors...”
He looked past her and his eyes widened.
“Hey Heero, old pal, buddy!” Duo’s smile was wide and almost manic and his violet eyes sparked with an emotion close to anger. Beside him, Relena was calm and composed, but her eyes flicked over to Duo frequently and there was concern in their depths.
“Duo…” Heero breathed. “Why are you here?”
“I was invited.” Duo flourished the wedding invitation. “So I decided the drop by and offer my congratulations.” He said in a bitter tone.
Trowa, Quatre and Wufei all glanced uneasily at each other and Lady Une’s eyes flashed between the two men. Relena stepped forward and smiled at Heero. “I really hope you’ll both be happy.” She said sincerely.
“Oh I’m sure they will be, Relena.” Duo bared his teeth at Heero. “Like two little lovebirds cooing in a nest.”
Heero’s eyes narrowed. “What are you trying to do, Duo?”
“Me, do anything?” Duo’s expression was all innocence. “I’m just being a _good_ friend.” The snarl was back in his voice. “Just like you were, Heero.”
Relena moved sharply then, jabbing her elbow into Duo’s ribs. He yelped and turned to her. “What the hell was that for?”
“Is this what you call good behaviour?” She demanded. “You should be over this spoilt baby act by now.”
For a minute it looked as if Duo was going to protest, but he met Relena’s eyes and his expression turned to one of guilt. He cleared his throat and looked back at Heero. “So… where’s Hilde?”
“Getting ready.” Heero said shortly. He shot Duo one of his forbidding glares. “Don’t you dare upset her.”
Duo’s shoulders slumped slightly. “Why would I want to upset her? I just want… to see her… say goodby… good luck.” He amended.
*You already said goodbye to her* Heero thought *Why do you want to upset her more?* He was going to object further when Relena caught his eye. She smiled encouragingly, indicating that she would keep Duo in line. “Then you should go.” Heero told Duo. “The ceremony starts in fifteen minutes.”
There was a short and acutely uncomfortable silence. Duo ran his fingers through his fringe and toyed briefly with his shoulder-length braid. “Right.” He said. He glanced at the other men and managed a slight smile. “I’ll see you guys later.”
“You’re staying for the ceremony?” Quatre blurted.
Duo’s smile turned into an almost wicked grin. “I wouldn’t miss it!” He said in parting as he walked out of the door.
Relena sighed. “I’m sorry.” She said. “I should have known…” She stopped and shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she repeated and then smiled at Heero, a sad yet gracious tilt of her lips. “Good luck, Heero.”
Heero stared at the door for quite a while after she had left, while his friends muttered behind him and Une watched him closely. “Heero?”
He glanced at her. “I didn’t expect them to come.” He said. “Relena, perhaps, but not Duo. Not so soon.”
“Perhaps he thought it would help.” Une suggested.
Heero frowned and said nothing. Perhaps… but Duo was obviously still in pain and striking out at the nearest targets. Heero clenched his fists. If Duo hurt Hilde…
In the corridor outside, Relena startled Duo by turning on him and shoving him against the wall. “You did it again, Duo.” She said, her tone equally disappointed and angry. “You lost control.”
“Rel…”
She didn’t let him get her name out. “I’m not going to let you take on step further, until you pull yourself together! I refuse to witness a repeat scene with Hilde!”
Pain shot through Duo’s eyes. “I said I wouldn’t hurt Hilde and I meant it.”
Relena sighed. “Yes Duo, I know… but sometimes your emotions get the better of your brain.” She smiled up at him. “Duo, I know that you’re not the fool some people believe you to be, please don’t let your mouth run away when we go to see Hilde?”
“I’ll play nice.” Duo promised and then stared at her intently. “What about you? Are you _sure_ that you want to come with me?”
“Like I said before, someone needs to keep you under control.” Relena’s tones were light, but under Duo’s gaze her expression saddened. “Yes, Duo… it hurts, but I’m a politician, I know how to smile sweetly and hide the pain inside. Hilde will only get good wishes from me.”
Without warning, Duo moved and embraced her. He held her close, his cheek against her hair. “I’m sorry, ‘Lena.”
Relena recovered from her surprise and smiled into the hollow of his neck. “Sorry is easy to say, Duo. Try to put your regret into actions.”
He released her, his old quirky smile back in place. “Yes, Ms Vice-Foreign Minister!”
***
Hilde Schbeiker swallowed as the pearls were clasped around her throat. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, almost threatening to burst from her chest. She couldn’t believe how nervous she was feeling, after all, she _wanted_ this wedding, wanted it with all her heart.
“Don’t worry, Hilde.” Sally’s long fingers rested on her bare shoulders. “It’s natural to be nervous on your wedding day.”
Hilde glanced at the older woman. “So nervous that you feel sick?” She asked and Sally nodded. Hilde put a hand to her stomach. “Well… I hope it goes away before the ceremony.”
“Yeah,” Catherine Bloom laughed. “I don’t think Heero would appreciate his bride being sick through the ceremony!”
“Laugh all you can Cathy,” Sophy Winner, one of Quatre’s numerous sisters, smirked. “Soon it might be you standing where Hilde is now and trying not to be sick with nerves!”
Catherine blushed slightly as the other women laughed. In this atmosphere of good will, Hilde felt her nerves dissipate and she began to look forward to the wedding ceremony in a better state of mind.
Sally finished styling Hilde’s hair and gently put the veil in place. “I’ll tell you one thing, ladies,” she said, her blue eyes sparkling with humour. “Wedding nerves are _nothing_ compared to morning sickness!” She patted her huge stomach with a wry smile.
“Or swollen ankles?” Sophy grinned up at Sally who rolled her eyes.
“Let’s just say, I’m going to be happy when this month is over.” She commented. “I…”
Sally was cut off by a knock at the door which opened to admit two familiar people. Hilde let out a little gasp of surprise. “Relena… Duo…”
Sally looked at Catherine and Sophy and they nodded. “Nice to see you, Relena… Duo.” Sally said with a smile. “But I think it would be better if we left you alone?”
Relena shot Sally a grateful look. “Yes… if… Hilde doesn’t mind…”
Mutely Hilde shook her head. Duo smiled at Sally. “Congratulations on getting Wu-man down the aisle, Sally.” He said. “How long before the baby’s due?”
“One month.” Sally replied. She held Duo’s eyes with her own as she passed him. “Be nice, Duo.” She murmured softly. “Please.”
Duo nodded and waited until the three women had left. Hilde shook herself out of her paralysis and moved forward, her hands outstretched. “Duo! I didn’t think you’d come… but… I’m so happy that you did!” She hugged him.
Faced with such a greeting, all the vindictive words and angry feelings fled out of Duo. Slowly his arms lifted and encircled her tiny frame in the white satin dress. “I couldn’t miss your wedding, Hilde.” He said softly. “Even if I’m not the star attraction.”
She looked up at him, a slight frown at his words, but saw nothing except gentle teasing in his face. “I was afraid that you’d still be too hurt…” She moved back and glanced at Relena. “Both of you…”
Relena’s smile was genuine. “Hilde… I made my peace a while ago, all I hope is that you’ll be happy.”
“I _am_ happy.” Hilde insisted. “Even more so now that you two are here!” She looked back at Duo. “Have you… seen Heero?” She asked, a little tremor in her voice.
Duo’s jaw tightened. Thinking about Heero made the bad feelings return again. It had been easy when Hilde hugged him to imagine that she was all dressed up for him… or some faceless stranger who Duo had no connections with. “I… saw him.”
The happiness left Hilde’s face. “Duo, you didn’t…”
“I’ll see you at the ceremony.” He said abruptly and fled out of the door, nearly crashing into Catherine and Sophy
“Duo!” Hilde cried after him. She turned to Relena. “What happened? What did Duo do to Heero?”
“Nothing!” Relena hastily reassured the other woman. “Duo just… acted up a little… we left before things got out of hand.”
Hilde turned away. “I shouldn’t have invited him.”
“He would have been even more hurt if you hadn’t.” Relena said softly. “At least this way he has to face facts.” She swallowed. “I hope you and Heero will be happy, Hilde, I really do.”
“Thank you.” Hilde whispered. “Relena?”
Relena halted at the door. “Yes?”
“I’m sorry that we hurt you too.”
Relena smiled. “Don’t worry about it…” She said as she slipped away, leaving Hilde to her thoughts.
***
It didn’t take Relena long to find Duo, although she heard him long before she saw him. He was outside the chapel, hitting the wall repeatedly as he swore violently, matching the pace of his strike. Relena stood a little away from him and waited until he became aware of her presence. He turned and stared at her, his violet eyes wet with tears that he refused to shed.
“I screwed up again.” Duo said heavily. “Is Hilde…”
“I said that you didn’t do anything to Heero… she’ll be fine.” Relena said. “But Duo, perhaps you should go back to the hotel.”
He shook his head. “I’m going to see this thing through, Relena.”
She wanted to tell him he was crazy, that he was only forcing more pain on his overburdened soul, but in some twisted way Relena understood his actions. The first couple of months after Heero and Hilde had told her of their engagement she had forced herself to see them. She still recalled the pain in her heart and the hideously long and uncomfortable silences that frequently occurred. It was only later, after she had pulled back and thrown herself in her work, that she began to deaden the pain. So, Relena understood Duo’s painful desire to attend the wedding, she was probably the only one who could.
“Very well,” Relena looked at the entrance to the chapel. “If we’re going to attend then we should get moving. The ceremony starts soon.”
Duo went slightly white around the jaw, but he nodded. “Right.” He rubbed his scraped knuckles. “I’ll… take a seat at the back.”
“So will I.”
He stared at her. “Relena, you don’t have to…”
She regarded him coolly. “Perhaps I want to, Duo. Have you thought of that?”
Duo’s face was sheepish. “I’m being a selfish jerk, Relena. Sure, let’s sit there together.”
Her smile returned, slightly sad but also vaguely amused. "Just like the old saying, misery loves company."
Duo laughed. "And this misery couldn't have asked for better." He offered her his arm. "Ms Darlian?"
She took up the offer. "Thank you, Mr Maxwell."
***
The wedding ceremony was very simple. Heero and Hilde had agreed that they wanted a quiet wedding with just a few friends in attendance. Since neither had any family, Hilde was escorted down the aisle by Rashid of the Maguanac corps. She wore a very plain, white satin wedding dress and carried some pale yellow roses. A string of pearls encircled her neck and a delicate veil was fixed on her black hair.
Duo's breath caught in his throat as she walked past him. Yes, he had seen her earlier in this dress, but somehow it was different now watching her. There was a glow on her face that turned her from a pretty woman into a beautiful one, but Duo was painfully aware that someone else was responsible for that glow.
That person stood by the minister with Wufei. Dressed in a dark navy tuxedo, his unruly brown hair tamed, Heero looked extremely handsome... and obviously happy. His eyes met Hilde's as she approached and they turned to face the minister.
Duo exhaled harshly. He knew this scene... but it was different from the fantasies he had indulged in while he worked on escaping the mines. *I was a fool...* he thought *I should've told Hilde... asked her to marry me _before_ I left.* But would it have made a difference? He couldn't help wondering whether Heero and Hilde would have fallen in love no matter what Duo might have said. *Would we be in the same situation, but with more guilt to carry between us?*
He glanced over at Relena and saw she was staring straight ahead, her eyes firmly fixed on the bridal couple. Relena's strength awed him, no, _shamed_ him. Relena had not lived with Heero and she was never sure that he held her in the same regard that she held him, but that didn't make her pain any less than Duo's. Yet Relena was doing her best to remain a friend to Heero and Hilde, to support them and ease the tension that had developed in the wake of Duo's return. He reached across and took her hand, squeezing it gently, trying to convey in the gesture what he couldn't put into words. She glanced at him and he saw a watery sheen in her eyes, but her lips curved gently and she nodded.
*How strange,* Duo thought *Of all of the pilots I talk the most, but when it comes to expressing my feelings I have no words... Or I just say the wrong thing.* He recalled, with a wince, the way he had yelled at Hilde after she had risked her life to get Libra's data. *Would it have killed me to say thank you?* He questioned himself *She could've died, and the last thing she would hear was 'You stupid idiot!'*
The minister spoke up now, asking if there were any objections to the union. There was a short, profound silence and all the guests seemed to be holding their breath and waiting. Duo bit down on his tongue. He refused to screw up again. After what seemed like an age, the minister completed the ceremony.
"I now pronounce you husband and wife."
That short sentence was like a death knell to the last of Duo's vague hopes. As Heero and Hilde moved towards each other to seal their union, he closed his eyes, not wanting to see even though his traitorous brain threw taunting images at him. Relena's hand was an anchor to sanity and he didn't realise how hard he was holding it until she gasped in pain. He started to release her hand, but she grasped him, holding him equally as tightly. They sat in the darkness as the bridal couple left and the other guests exited. Neither said a word.
***
Like the wedding, the reception was intended to be a simple affair. However Quatre got a little carried away after offering to organise it and the event was now taking place in the ball room of a huge yacht. Duo's jaw dropped to his chest as they walked in.
"Holy crap!" He muttered. "I can hardly believe that we're on a boat!"
Relena, who was used to this sort of thing, laughed at his astonishment. "It's a beautiful set-up." She looked at the band, the waiters, the tables groaning with food and the huge 15 tier wedding cake. "Quatre's out-done himself."
They noticed Sally waving at them and approached her. The blond woman was ensconced on a comfortable chair with a glass of water in her hand. Noticing Relena looking at the glass, Sally grinned. "No alcohol allowed." She explained. "Along with a bunch of other things which makes baby do flips."
Relena giggled briefly. "Are you going to have a binge after the baby's born, Sally?"
Sally sighed. "Probably not, I'll be too busy being a Mama." She looked at Duo and her expression grew serious. "Tell me, Duo Maxwell, are you a secret masochist?"
Duo choked. "Wh-what?" he wheezed. "No!"
"You could have fooled me," Sally raised an eyebrow. "The way you are making yourself suffer here."
"I was invited." Duo said. "Hilde wanted me to come."
"True, true... but is it really necessary to keep twisting the knife?" Sally's eyes were filled with concern. "Duo... we can all see you're hurting, and no one blames you, but surely you've done enough for today?"
Duo frowned. "I said that I would see this through, and I intend to do that. I can handle this just fine..." He stopped as Heero and Hilde walked into the room and their appearance turned him into a liar.
*I don't think I've ever see Heero so relaxed* Relena thought with a pang. All the sappy stories about newlyweds being in a world of their own was true here. With a little sigh, Relena let go completely, burying the regrets and sorrow, and accepting the situation.
Duo, on the other hand...
Hilde's smiling mouth, her head tilted to look up at Heero, the loving way
her fingers twined in his, and Heero's answering smile stabbed Duo anew. "I
think..." He said faintly. "That you're right, Sally." He looked
at Relena and gave her a bitter smile as he saw the acceptance in her eyes.
"I take it
you're staying?"
She nodded. "I'll see you later, Duo?"
"Yeah... later." Duo walked away... towards Heero and Hilde.
Relena gasped and moved forward, but Sally reached out and held her back. "Let him go, Relena." She said firmly. "I don't think he's going to do anything foolish."
Duo winced inwardly as he approached Heero and Hilde. The worried look in Hilde's eyes and the way Heero's expression took on a grim cast was almost as painful as watching them together. But Duo could hardly blame them for being suspicious, after all, he had hardly been a shining example of tact.
Stopping before them, Duo forced a smile. "Uh... I just wanted to say..." He paused as various possible options flashed through his mind *Congratulations? Wish it was me? Heero, I will kill you?* Duo swallowed. "Be happy." He said and turned away, half-running out of the door.
Relena watched the confusion from across the room. Heero made as if to follow Duo, but then changed his mind, while Hilde looked unsettled and fiddled nervously with her pearls. Sally shook her head. "That young man always makes a stir."
"Do you think he'll be alright, Sally? By himself?" Relena asked anxiously. "I don't want him to do anything foolish..."
Sally's smile was reassuring. "I think some time alone would do him good." She said thoughtfully. "You've been doing a great job looking after him, Relena, but it wouldn't do you or Duo any good if he became too dependant on your support." Gently Sally hugged Relena. "Try and enjoy yourself tonight, okay?"
Taking a deep breath, Relena nodded. "I'll try," she said with a faint smile.
***
When the taxi pulled up to the hotel it was past midnight and Relena was half-asleep in the back. After paying the driver, she got out and walked inside. Her drowsiness fell away from her rapidly as she ascended in the lift and her thoughts returned to Duo. _Was_ he alright? Or had he turned to alcohol again to drown his sorrows?
As she inserted her key into the lock, Relena glanced at Duo's door. She considered knocking, but decided to wait a little. Inside her own room, Relena threw her coat on the bed and then joined it, flinging herself across the coverlet. She lay on her back and thought back on the evening.
Contrary with her expectations, Relena had enjoyed the reception. Wufei's best man speech had been hilarious, even though he hadn't meant it to be so. The food was lovely and Relena had not lacked a partner in the dancing that followed. She even danced with Heero, and was gratified to discover that she no longer felt the urge to cry. *Perhaps I AM over him now* She mused. With a sigh, Relena rolled over onto her stomach and gathered the courage to visit Duo.
It was dark inside Duo's room. She whispered his name, but there was no answer. Cautiously, Relena crept towards the bed and her heart stilled when she saw in was unoccupied. "Duo..."
Before she could panic further, a white envelope caught her eye. She picked it up and switched on the beside lamp. In the dim glow, Relena read her name, and with trembling fingers she opened it, sitting down on the empty bed to read the letter within.
//Relena, I knew you would check up on me, so I felt safe leaving this in my room. Anyway, I want to assure you that this isn't a suicide note or anything stupid like that, I'm not that depressed, okay? No, scratch that, I AM fucking depressed, but I'm not taking my life over it. Tonight made me realise that it's going to take a lot longer than we all thought for me to get my head clear on this. And it's not fair to you to have to look after me while I angst about the whole Hilde issue. So I'm taking off for a while. It won't be long, well, not too long, but I think some wandering will help clear my head. Sorry for running out on you like this, I understand if you're mad, but I hope you realise why I'm doing this. I'll keep in touch, I promise, if only to make sure ya don't think I'm dead (again)! Take care of yourself, Relena. Don't work too hard and make sure you have some fun every now and then, okay? Your ever grateful God of Death, Duo Maxwell.//
"Duo..." Relena whispered again and tears slid down her cheeks to hit the paper. "Find your peace quickly," she urged. "And then come back to me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------