The Hash sheet

Monday Dateline: One Ten Oh One

Hares Herpy and Bolty. Reasons to be cheerful: Part One

Spelling mistakes and other drunken typos kindly sponsored by Sukardi"Bacardi"@birtruk.com

Subject: Responsible journalism.
We have now entered the "endless debate era" Click on CNN or the Hash Committee@5+1.com website for more on the fine art of mindless drivel. More video links to this latter site will be posted soon. I need the money. Contact me @ DRJerker@blackmail.com

Much has been said in recent weeks regarding how the media can affect the future of the World by responsible or irresponsible or even heeeeeeniuuuusssslly sensational reports regarding true Hash events. Therefore, this will be a "straight down the line" true eyewitness report of what actually happened @ JH3 tonight. No bullshit.

Prelude:
Jaques Desturbed......our beloved? ex HM sent me a telex "alert warning" from a nice safe country where he lives right now flying helicopter gunships across borders . I quote "Be a lert!

(ed's note: most of the hash are lerts already) Advice from Jaques " No discernible threat to hash from Tom Jones stop Cannot even fly by wire on Las Vegas stage stop His only known connections to terrorist organisations arise from his frequent cries of "Tali" ..."Ban". when he has frequently been tortured by hares on river crossings stop(eds note....for those of you who do not have enough command of the local languuage....either fuck off home now or buy a Kamus......this was a great joke!) Any way, JAX also informed me" reason Tom Jones is bald , short, ugly etc is that during training........he flew his kite too close to the overhead wires linking Java to Bali" Result total blackout "Listrik mati in Kemang and the whole of bule land beyond" For this reason alone, from this temp Scribe who gave him the most unlikely name "Tom" in the first place I have now officially changed his name to"Sir Tom Jones"............. since he gave all hashers the golden opportunity, during those dark Kemang days,the one and only chance to do the things you guys are not supposed to do at home with the maids.

The Run.
Commenced in the middle of a fucking huge flood and freezed the lice off our balls while we shuddered until the 5pm splash off.

We waded out, fully expecting to find no paper and an automatic Hash Shit. This must have been the fastest hash sprint start in history as we all galloped over hidden potholes in our quest to warm up and stop our teeth chattering. Jonesy left his teeth in a glass in the Bir truk in case he lost them. Sure enough, the paper was scantier than a pair of Blok M panties, but since this was an "emergency run" in very familiar terrain, only a fucking idiot could possibly get lost.

More about our Hash Master later.

We easily found the on in sign near the golf course bridge, so we all knew it was a righty and headed off down the Rive Gauche accordingly where we were rewarded with excellent paper for the remainder of the run. Before he charged off into oblivion ignoring all the obvious short cuts) Dickwit HM, Superbrat kept ranting "The bastards told me it was a lefty! The bastards told me......." Thankfully, it wasn't long before he was out of earshot and we never saw or heard him again until his return to the circle @ 6.47 pm. As darkness loomed imminently,sensible runners crossed the "2nd" bamboo bridge , ran through a reverse check back at the top of the Rive Droit hill and were comfortably in on lovely clear paper, in great country, in under the hour.

Other dickwits opted to find the "3rd" bridge and were duly rewarded for their crass stupidity with their dark homecomings.

Due to inclement weather, circle commenced @ 5.20pm. Stand in HM, Magic dragon, instantly commanded total respect and invited comments from the wet returners. It was noted that Vatican rag was only seen counting his flock before paper started. So he fucked off home early in shame.With a "void" rating.

Comments from the true hashers present at this time all included the word "excellent."

KK,Angie,Jonesy,Nick Leeson, Jungle Fucker,Tazan Speaking, Sadist, O Furnicator, Dr Jerker, Momhead, Elephant man, Witless Wanker and new member John (who comes from Melbourne, is related to Angie, been in JKT 4 weeks likes reading, music and poetry and is looking for pen pals) unanimously gave it an "EXCELLENT" rating. Even Holy Joop stuttered in disbelief that it wasn't a hash shit and included the word excellent in his heavily accented monologue.

A tight circle then began to have a really great time until things started to go wrong:

6.39pm On in Grinning Pretty Boy......"excellent run"...he didnt know where he went, but excellent anyway.

Ditto: Apui: "Excellent"

6.40pm: On in Shithouse "Excellent" plus some totally outrageous tribal remarks abut nuking the Germans which no one understood anyway.( But maybe a limited tactical strike on their kitchens might do the world a small gastronomic favour?)

6.42.pm. On in Bloodclot and Tom Jones, who were venomously booed for their disgraceful respective comments of "ice" and"shit of a run" So rude!

6.4pm: On in the Betawi Tribe.....Tony, Rudi, Asui and the Tarzanic hordes ...... Tarzan translated their "excellent " comments.

Then it was back to the jolly fun, including a stunning announcement from Tarzan.....something about "you Fucking trouble Jerker..." ( I guess he took my exposee of his annual 6 mil government washing machine allowance badly)

THEN..............
Things got really bad when HM Superbrat returned at 6.47pm and, still ranting," you told me it was a lefty!"....mercilessly put our noble hares on ice and tried to steamroller a Hash shit verdict which was unanimously rejected by all the other decent hashers resent.

The "excellent" decision had already beed made "in Brat Absentia". The hares took their ice punishment with total dignity and great fortitude as other silly cunts Maandi, Sheepskin, and MGM rolled in from their evening stroll in the dark at 6.53. Anyway, pretty Boy took over scribing at 6.55pm and will no doubt tell you later how the whingeing HM and his band of late returners probably ruined the best circle of the year which started with such gusto at 5.20pm. Silly Cunts!

Good job hares!......you lucky bastards!!!!!

Dr. Jerker

Dr. Jerker. then immediately left in his giant green Kampung-Krusher, but the run comments continued...

When the hares heard Tom Bin Jones start his comment with the words "In the name of Allah the most merciful", they knew they were in deep shit. After all, they are the last words a sacrifical goat hears before he has his throat slit (mercifully). Bin Jones drew his curved blade from it's sheath, his lips moving in quiet prayer, his eyes closed. The hares shivered. The lightning flashed. "Shit of a run", he said, bringing all that tension to a disappointing end.

Pretty Boy said it was easy to find paper and arrows if you were not blind like Hash master who has difficulty reading simple words on a piece of paper. Excellent long run. Angie agreed and said anyone who got lost was a fucking idiot. SheepsKin thought it was a run with everything - Hujan, lots of space between the paper, plenty of length. Obviously a hash shit.

The mention of these words brought a simile to hash Masters lips. Joop produced an email intercepted by the CIA which he claimed proved that the hares deliberately intended to set a hash shit. Guess who said this "I'm follow paper and the horn and I'm rightie. I'm not follow paper and I'm follow your arrow". Hash Master, after due deliberation, said that it was clear that the hares were trying to regain their hash shit, which they had lost to MGM only three weeks after their Rancamaya debacle. The run was therefore a shit of a run. This clearly went against the general feeling of the circle as evidenced by the comments above. Hash master was sticking out his scrawny neck and once again wading against the tide of popular opinion. His days are numbered....

Announcements:
1st anniversary of Betawi HHH. At Carita, first weekend in November. Contact Tarzan.
Batavia weekend in Carita Oct 13th / 14th. Contact SheepsKin. Find your own accomodation.
Monday 15th October. Run will start at 4:00pm. Some wussies use these long weekend monday runs as an excuse to invite pussies into our exclusively male circle. Bolt-One-On when he was hash master did his best to turn our Monday runs into pussy runs at every available opportunity. If you want to run with women, run on Wednesdays, girls. Monday is a Mens hash.

Have you ever wondered what actually happens at a mismanagement meeting? Basically it's like this. Drink lots of free piss (paid out of hash coffers), talk around in circles for a couple of hours, drink more piss. In the good old days, on Bolt-One-On's committee the makan was free too. But not now, with our current tight fisted and anorexic hash master. So, when it was revealed that Col. Bludnok has managed to slip a plate of chips onto the hash bill, hash master rained abuse upon the hapless Welshman. Turns out the snitch was none other than that other hapless Welshman (yes, all Welshmen are hapless), Elephant man, who was pissed off that Cpl. B. kept dipping his greasy chips into Elephant Man's curry. While we wondered about whether this was serious enough to warrant dobbing in a mate, Dr. Jerker reminded us that "dipping your chips in somebody elses curry" is a euphamism for shagging somebody elses wife. So the truth is out, Col. B has been banging Elephant Woman. And worse - he got caught.

Bol-One-On got his 500th shirt. Unfortunately the RA accidentally dropped it in the mud and stepped on it ten times before presenting it to B1On. B1On then told us a really really bad joke. (really). Angie received his 550 run mug and insisted on "singing" his appreciation.

Tarzan keenly spotted that Matilda (formerly John, who likes reading and poetry) was wearing very nice spandex leggings and a FILA T-Shirt. Totally inappropriate for Apres Hash gear, and particularly as he was the guest of Aunt Anguish, aka Hash Trash. Matilda discovered that his nice spandex leggings offered no protection for one's arse against cold hard ice.

NWR is the annual German Reunification run, hared by GoBlokM and Vitless Vanker. At Gunung Putri, behind Indo Semen as usual.

Hash Music (sheepsKin) offered to sponsor a prize of a free beer next week for whoever writes the best verse for a song. The theme is George Bush / Bin Laden / Afghanistan / Taliban etc. To the tune of Cats on rooftops. Make a verse and win a beer. Enter as many verses as you like.

Aunt Anguish has returned after an absence of three years, and is happy to answer any kind of question you may have about anything at all. Complete discretion assured.
Dear Aunt Anguish,
Whenever I masturbate my penis becomes inflamed and painful. It's very distressing. I have to masturbate because
Bolk-M is so expensive these days, and my wife refuses to even touch my penis. What am I doing wrong?
Signed Holy Loop (Name cunningly changed to protect the distressed hashers real identity)

Aunt Anguish Replies:
Dear Joop,
Stop playing with yourself you disgusting cloggie git.
Love and kisses,
Aunt Anguish

Pboy

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