I love Cheese. Cheese is my friend. Is cheese your friend? The feats that cheese can perform are amazing and incomprhensible to us simple minded humans. A higher species, like the spiffy hedgehog, can easily uncover the incredible vast accomplishments made by cheese. FOR EXAMPLE.....

Not many words can be followed directly by magical words like whiz, y, ball, monster, from the planet X, fish, dom, etc. Toothpaste, for example would sound utterly stupid if followed by these words. How would you like to spead some nice toothpaste-whiz on a cracker? Or suddenly become Toothpastey? How about eating a toothpaste ball? Hmmmmm....or the toothpaste monster from planet X- now there's something to be afraid of! Toothpastdom- Ummm. NO! Can YOU see and entire empire filled to the brim with little Colgate People?

Cheese has to be the greatest thing ever invented! Yes, cheese WAS invented! It all began a long, long time ago in the kingdom of Che, ruled by a king (no surprises here) Ese. Put that together and what does it spell? CHEESE! I love cheese! CHEESE IS NO. 1! CHEESE IS NO.1! Who rocks the house? Cheese rocks the house!

Have YOU ever taken the time to discover the uncontrollable depths of cheeseology? My friend, SPUD, a Cheeseologist, has recently discovered the unmentionable realms of cheese wisdom. You see, cheese is NOT, as many people think, Utterly and completely uneducated. Cheese actually absorbs knowledge from those around it. For example, if cheese is left unattended in a fridge for long periods of time it may soon pick up on a few things muttered as humans open to refrigerator. These things include phrases such as "Yummy, leftovers again," " Wow, we have potatoes," "Now, this is a new definition of green eggs and ham," and "What color is orange juice supposed to be again?"

YES! They CAN understand! Everything, everything I'm telling ya, EVERYTHING that anyone says around cheese will immediately be transferred to their googleplasm. A googleplasm is sorta like a cheese brain. Obviously, cheese can't have a brain, so it was given a dandy googleplasm instead- something much less complex, but easy to pack on long journeys overseas!

Sooo... you ask me, if cheese is SOOO smart, then why does it allow itself to be masticated and then consumed? Well, you see... cheese has a very interesting personality, one that we could not even begin to fathom. Cheese society and culture is based on one thing, being eaten. This is their goal in life, their everyday desire. To be eaten is to be wanted, to be wanted is to be loved.

Cheese minds are very simple and their uncultivated and gastronomical thiking is often fatal. An old and moldy cheese is often considered ugly, ignorant, and just plain green. In human concepts, the growing of hair upon the face is a symbol of manhood. Cheese, on the other hand, believe hair is the ultimate disgrace! Once a cheese starts to grow green fuzziness everywhere it is ostracized from the cheese society. Living alone, and nothing more than a green piece of cheese, it continues the rest of it's life in sorrow. Much to it's dissappointment, the life of a moldy chees that isn't eaten is often ended in tragedy. The last thing that they see is a human finger touching the switch for a garbage disposal.. The only thing left of the poor little cheese is chewed up pieces of it's cadaver, resting in a pipely grave. So, next time you happen to se a green, hairy piece of cheese.... BE A GOOD CITIZEN, fight for justice of behalf of the Moon! Gobble up that poor piece of cheese! TRUST ME... you are doing it a favor!