All For the Love of You
chapter 7
by Manille
I still couldn’t make up my mind. So Koenma left. But I told him that I’d think about it.
But most likely, it would have been a no.
"My, this is serious!" I heard Saikaku say. "You left me in the ice cream parlor without telling me about it, you didn’t return my calls, and you’re spaced out all day." He shook his head in disbelief.
I ignored him. The weight of making a decision—and add the note Saikaku has written secretly (only to be read by eavesdropping old me)—was on my head, my back, my chest.
I wished Toosan had just stayed with not letting me become a tantei, for then I wouldn’t have to choose. But God knows why he told me it’s up to me.
"Misako, don’t you want to talk about it?"
One problem piled on top of the other. Well, all right, the thing about Saikaku wasn’t that big, but still…it left a big question on me. One I can’t answer…for I do not know myself what that question is in the first place.
Did I want that—"why do I love you?"—to be true?
No, I told myself. No way. Sure I love Saikaku…but as a friend, a brother. He was my protector, my devil’s advocate, my helping hand, my shoulder to lean on. Heck, he was everything to me—almost.
But why did—as I said "no, no" to my taunting head—I feel my heart sinking, as if it had known, through all my years of being Saikaku’s closest friend, that Saikaku does love me—or something more, much, much more than a friend?
As did I actually hear my head say, "Face it, Urameshi, you’re in love with him too"?
I shook my head to rid it of all those thoughts. Nasty thoughts. Saikaku was just….
I looked at his waiting face. My eyes took me to his. Yes, the very same clear blue ones, highlighted by the sunlight.
But…but….
My gaze probed deeper into his eyes, as if it traveled all the way to his soul. Then suddenly, my mind switched on the light of comprehension.
It had always been there—the kind, sympathetic blue eyes, but the way they looked at me…with the light shining on them, slightly moving as if they are inching on every detail of my face, and what was beyond my face….
After all these years, I missed that detail. The glint of admiration in his eyes…no, it was more than simple admiration….
He linked. "Misako, you spaced out again."
"Oh, sorry," I muttered, blushing fiercely.
Did he see something in my eyes like what I did in his?
Saikaku sighed, placing a hand gently in mine.
I looked at it, then at his face. Gratefully, I smiled.
He smiled back. "Well?"
Sighing, I looked up to the cherry three, which was still thick of its blossoms. Truly, that bench under the cherry tree was my favorite spot in the school.
There was no sense of holding back that secret—the rei gan, of course. (Who am I to tell him what I had seen written in his notebook?)
Slowly, softly, but fully, I related the evening’s events to him. Koenma, the Crown Prince of the Reikai. His explanation of my inheritance of the rei gan. The argument about me being a Reikai tantei. Toosan’s revelation of his past. My almost-death. And I added at the end not to tell anyone about it.
I felt Saikaku’s hand clutch mine tighter, protectively, as I told him that I almost died firing the rei gan.
"That…was a rei gan?"
"I found it hard to believe when I first heard it as well," I said.
Saikaku breathed rather haggardly that I wondered if he was asthmatic or something. Was the impact of my news that great to him?
"Misako—thank God nothing had happened to you!"
"Yeah—thank God."
""But…what would have happened if I didn’t tell you to stop collecting your energy? You could have died!"
Saikaku’s hands were now sweaty on mine. He gripped it, tighter and tighter, until it hurt. "Saikaku!" I pulled my hand away.
Saikaku didn’t seem to notice me. "Misako—what could have happened…."
"It’s over, Saikaku," I told him. "Nothing happened to me and it’s never gonna happen again."
"How could you not feel so concerned about yourself?" Saikaku looked at me—angrily. "You almost died, damn it!"
"Yeah, but I didn’t die!" I yelled back. Saikaku wouldn’t say ‘damn it’ to me under normal conditions. "I’m okay, can’t you see that?"
"Wait…what about yesterday? Why did you leave at the ice cream parlor?"
Of all the times when he could ask that, why now?!
I wasn’t prepared for the interrogation. I didn’t devise a fib for that. So I just kept quiet. "It was nothing—not connected howsoever with the rei gan."
"Misako, tell me why!"
Why was he so demanding? His face was rigid, angry—I’ve never seen him so angry in his entire life. What was happening to him? Why was he like a crazed man?
Feeling irritated myself, I stood up. "It’s none of your business." I walked towards the school building.
Saikaku followed me. "None of my business? Why, I’m just your best friend, Misako. You’re supposed to tell me why!"
"Well, excuse me for even having a life," I shot back. "I have the right to keep some things secret too."
"But not this one! It’s a matter of life and death!"
"I told you it’s not related to the rei gan!"
"Why don’t you tell me what it is?"
"I don’t want to!" Fury surged through me. My body shook. Suddenly, I wanted to ask him what the heck that writing was. "You yourself have some secrets I don’t know of! And you don’t want to tell me about it! Now am I demanding you to tell me what they are?!"
Saikaku’s face dimmed somewhat. It was official when I saw his face at that moment: He was hiding something. Hiding something I already know of.
"That’s different," he said in a strange, low tone.
"Well, my reason is different to."
"I didn’t want to tell it to you because you never understood," he said. "I was about to say it yesterday in the parlor, but you ran out on me without saying a word."
I inhaled sharply.
He tried to tell me. But when he did, I ran away.
If I hadn’t read that notebook, and if he told it to me personally, would I run away too?
What was I afraid of?
The fact that at least someone in the school likes me, particularly the one closest to me?
Losing my best friend?
"Sometimes, Misako, I feel as if you’ve never appreciated any effort I do for you," he told me, in a gentler tone, but still somber.
"That’s what you think," I whispered. I felt a lump rising up to my throat.
"Misako…you were never good in Chemistry."
What?!
Chemistry?!
With my mouth agape, I watched Saikaku look at me fiercely. He turned around, but kept his eyes glued on me.
He was far away when he released his gaze.
"How the hell did Chemistry get in here?!" I yelled out. But he didn’t hear me.
Suddenly, it dawned on me.
Chemistry.
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