The "Ranma ½ - Files"...
===== Kuno Tatewaki =====

*Name?

I am known as the great Tatewaki Kuno, the rising young star of the Kendo world, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. I, being fair of face and tall of bearing, am the only one worthy to bear that mantle, admittedly heavy ofttimes. Prithee....onwards, I say. Throw thy questions upon mine unbesmirched, and oft-challenged, self and you will find that the great Tatewaki Kuno will not be found wanting. Speak, my good man.

*Umm....we'll skip the next question.

What? Thou wouldst have the impertinence and the temerity to deny me the opportunity of answering the next query? Cur!! Knave!! Thou art almost as wretched as Saotome, he who keeps my goddess in pigtails captive. Speak, or face the full wrath of he who dubs himself the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!! (words echo and lightning lights up the sky, even though it is unclouded)

* (sigh) What is your sex?

Thou wouldst ask that question of the Blue Thunder?! Do you not see, my good idiot, the manly breadth of my shoulders? The short-cropped locks upon my august head? What in the Seven Hells had possessed you, clown, to ask such a question of Tatewaki Kuno?

*Alright! Alright!! What is your age?

I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, the rising young star of the Kendo world, he who fought Saotome and bested him with a wound to the throat, am aged 17. 17 years on this earth, have I lived. Not so long a time, all things accounted, yet is not the prime of my life yet to come?

*snorr.....huh? You're finished? Ok. What position are you applying for?

I would date with the pigtailed girl and Akane Tendo!!

*That is a fantasy, not a position. Position?

Thou wouldst question my choice of profession, knave? (tip of bokken to interviewer's face)

*Of course not!! Go on!! Qualifications?

The pigtailed girl, gentle and sweet as the lily, and Akane Tendo, strong and fierce like the dragonness. Ahh...how apart these two seem, yet how they strike a chord in my soul! Truly, fire and ice are as one to me, and so are the pigtailed girl and Akane Tendo! Like the wind, the pigtailed girl comes and goes, and ever does she grow in her love for me.

Akane Tendo, oft-seen yet cherished like one does to a polished diamond.....!

The pigtailed girl, less-seen yet prized no less than the fierce dragonness of the Tendo clan.

Truly, my good man, it would be seemly, would it not, to date with them both?

*Umm.....yeah. True.

Anyhow, time is of the essence for I must get myself hence and once more date Akane Tendo!! Am I not qualified?

*I'll send you a fax in a couple of days.

A fax? What be this new invention? Facts? FAQs? As unseemly as it may be, I must be taking my leave. In two days time I expect this....fax and I hope, for your sake, that it reads true and well. Farewell. Adieu. (Kuno leaves with a flourish)

*Certified Nut. That's what he was. First his sister. Then Akane Tendo. Then Pantene...I mean, Shampoo. Then Nabiki, the bilker. Then Kasumi....damn was I ever lucky to get out of that one, or what. And now him. Time to start looking for a new job, I think.

The UGMA/OLA War Chronicles

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