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Homepage The ideas for the photo and the fountain came from Dan Rush's stories. I just couldn't beat them for sheer humour potential. :)
Lori McDonald
October 1997
Basic premise... Berg Katse has hacked into one of the Gatchaman frequencies that they use for their bracelets, and is sitting back with a glass of brandy listening to see what s/he can learn.
Eagle - This is Eagle. Come in, Owl.
Owl - ZZzzzzzz....
Eagle - Damn it, Owl! Wake up!
[Katse smirks and sips hir brandy.]
Owl - Z-Snrk- wha-?
Eagle - What are you doing, sleeping in the middle of the day?
Owl - It's our day off! What did you expect?
Eagle - Good point. Are you going to the Swan's today?
[Katse listens intently, hoping they'll reveal the location.]
Owl - I wasn't planning to, why?
Eagle - Well...
Owl - You want me to pay off your bar tab, don't you?
[Katse blinked. Bar tab? The Eagle has a bar tab?]
Eagle - (sounding indignant) I most certainly do not!
Owl - Good. Because Swan said YOU had to pay her back. No one else.
Eagle - How am I supposed to do that? I'm broke!
Owl - Well, she never did say you had to pay her back with money, y'know.
Eagle - Huh? She wants me to wash dishes?
[Katse laughs, as does Owl]
Eagle - What's so funny?
Condor - Hey.
Eagle - That's not the proper call sign, Condor.
Condor - Bite me, bird brain.
Eagle - What?!
Condor - (Obviously ignoring him) Hey, Owl. You going to Swan's?
Owl - Nah. Family dinner tonight.
Condor - Lucky.
Owl - Not really. My dad is cooking tonight.
Condor - Unlucky.
Owl - You said it. Y'know, Eagle, if you want to eat tonight, you can come over to my place. There's always room for one more.
Eagle - Uh, I've tried your dad's cooking. I think I'll pass.
Condor - Guess that just means there's more for you, eh, Owl?
Owl - That's what I was afraid of. I'll see you guys later.
Condor - Remember! Take the heartburn pills BEFORE you start the entree!
Owl - Wiseass. (signs off)
Condor - Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before...
[Katse makes a note that the Owl has at least one parent, and another note to watch for any families checking into any hospitals with mass heartburn that night.]
Eagle - So, Condor...
Condor - I'm not buying you dinner, Eagle.
Eagle - How'd you know?
Condor - I listened in.
Eagle - That was a private conversation.
Condor - Then don't put it on a group channel.
[Katse grins in agreement.]
Eagle - (sighs) Where are you?
Condor - About half a block from Swan's. Hell, I can hear the screaming from here.
Eagle - The what?
Condor - You're goin' deaf, old boy. Sounds like Swallow's pissed off his sister again. No, make that Swan's pissed off Swallow.
Eagle - What's she done? It's usually the other way around.
Condor - How the hell should I know? I'm still outside. Hang on a sec. Don't get your panties in a twist.
Eagle - I'm not wearing panties.
Condor - Thanks for the tip. (sound of a door opening.)
[Katse leans forward, listening intently. This was better than hir soaps.]
(voices are muffled.)
Swallow - Give me that!
Swan - But you're so cute!
Swallow - ONECHAN!!!! I'm gonna get you!
Swan - Ack! No! Swallow! Is this any way to treat your sister?!
[Sounds of profanity Katse has never heard from any ten year old, other than hirself.]
Swan - Jinpei!
Condor - Way to go, kid! I see I taught you right!
Swan - Condor! Catch!
(Various scuffling sounds. Condor grunts.)
Condor - Aim for my head, why don't you!!
Eagle - Condor, report!
Condor - Bite me, Ken. Jinpei! Put the clackers down!
Swallow - Give me that camera!!
Swan - Run, Joe!
Condor - What the hell for?!
Swan - If you do I'll buy your beer tonight!
(sound of door slamming, and faint shrieks from an enraged ten year old.)
Eagle - I knew I should have gotten there sooner...
(much inane giggling from the Swan.)
[Katse starts to become ill. Apparently, so does the Condor]
Condor - Put a sock in it, Jun! What the hell am I doing trying to outrun a rabid shrimp?
Swallow - I'm not a shrimp!
Condor - Are too!
Swallow - Am not!
Eagle - Oh, lord. Didn't I order you too not to do this again?
Condor - Hey, that was days ago.
[Katse makes a mental note that the Condor has the memory span of a gnat and decides to try that puppy trap on him again.]
Swallow - Come back here!
Condor - ...nah.
(sounds of screeching tires and people yelling at the Condor and Swallow to get out of the middle of the street. Even more yelling from the Condor back at them and what sounds like a breaking windshield. Then a breaking face.)
Eagle - Um, before ISO decides that we have to pay for the damages, exactly why did you send those two running through downtown in rush hour?
Swan - (still giggling) I just snapped a picture of Jinpei on a bear skin rug.
Eagle - So?... You have a bear skin rug? Why didn't I know you had a bear skin rug?
Swan - (throatily) It's in my bedroom. Would you like to see it?
Swallow - Woohoo, onechan!
[Katse sips hir brandy and imagines the Eagle getting chomped on by that bear. It's a pleasant thought.]
Swan - Shut up! Weren't you chasing the Condor?
Swallow - Oh, yeah! (sounds of clackers whizzing.)
Condor - Ack! (crashing sounds)
Eagle - (sounding either flustered or confused. Katse can't make up hir mind which.) So, what's so significant about this rug?
Condor - Ow ow ow ow
Swan - He wasn't wearing anything while he was on it.
Condor - Ow ow... BWA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
Swallow - Die, Joe!
Condor - Alley-oop! (more crashing sounds, but apparently from a smaller body.)
Eagle - (apparently recovering from his shock.) Jun! That's child pornography!
Swan - Oh, grow up, Ken!
[Katse agrees with the Swan, deciding s/he wants a copy for hir dartboard. Finger's face was getting kind of old.]
Swallow - Give me that camera!
Condor - Not on your life! I want this blown up to poster size!
Swallow - Hand it over now!
Condor - What's the magic word?
Swallow - Gelding.
(more sounds of running.)
Condor - Shit, Jun, whatcha been feedin' this kid?!
Swallow - GIVE ME BACK MY CAMERA!!!
Swan - Don't let him have it, Joe! You know what I had to go through to get that picture?!
Condor - You know what I'm going through to keep it?! Can I shoot him?
All - No!
Condor - Just a little flesh wound? Just to slow him down?
All - NO!
Condor - K'so...
Swallow - I WANT MY CAMERA BACK!
(maniacal laughter from the Condor. More swearing from the Swallow. Then the abrupt sound of sirens filled the comm channel.)
Police - This is the police! Stop with your hands up!
Swallow - Yikes!
Eagle - Report, Condor!
Condor - Bite- ow! Bastard!
[Katse sits in rapt attention, not believing her ears as she hears the sounds of fighting, police engines, barking dogs, what sounds like the launch of tear gas, screams that the wind is blowing the pepper spray in the wrong direction, ammunition going off, constant Condor curses and finally a slamming door.]
Eagle - (hesitantly) Joe?
...
Eagle - Joe, are you there?
Condor - What?
Eagle - Are you alright?
Condor - (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, I'm great.
Eagle - Where are you?
Condor - Where do you think? I'm in the back of a godamned police van. I've been arrested!
All - AGAIN?!
[Katse sprays fine brandy across the wall in front of her. Again?!]
Condor - Yeah, again!
Swallow - It's your own fault for stealing my camera!
Condor - Oh yeah? Well, that camera is evidence now. By nightfall, you'll be plastered butts high across the Utoland news!
Swallow - NO!!! ONECHAN!!!
[Katse starts looking for blank tapes for the VCR.]
Swan - Jinpei, tell them it's a mistake!
Swallow - I can't, onechan. They already drove away. The cop gave me a lollipop first, though.
Swan - Don't you eat that, Jinpei. You'll ruin your dinner!
Condor - Screw dinner! Get me out of here! I can't go back to jail! Five strip searches were more than enough!
Eagle - I thought you'd only been arrested four times.
Condor - Uh...
Eagle - What did you get arrested for the fifth time?
Condor - Look, we don't have time for this.
Eagle - Theft under one thousand dollars in Utoland. You've got about five to ten, Joe.
Condor - Christ! Just bail me out, okay?!
Eagle - Not until you confess.
Condor - Never!
Swan - Ken, maybe we should call Hakase.
Condor - NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!
Eagle - Okay, what did you do?
[Katse hears Condor mumble something about the Eagle being a dead man, and all he needed was a bird missle and a funnel, but s/he's too busy laughing and isn't sure.]
Eagle - What was that, Joe?
Condor - Ur...
Eagle - Spill it, Joe.
Swallow - (smugly) Yeah, we're waiting, Aniki.
Condor - Okay, I... Christ, this is embarrassing...
Eagle - Hurry up. You won't be able to talk once you reach the strip search.
Condor - Okay! Shit! I um... (mumbles something.)
[Katse strains to hear.]
Eagle - What was that?
Swan - I heard something about a fountain.
Condor - (actually whiny) I can't do this!!!!
Eagle - Oh, well, nice knowing you, Joe.
Condor - Let me put it this way. It involved a fountain and a blonde, and if anyone had been there with a camera, they woulda got a picture a lot like the one of Jinpei.
Eagle - ...I don't get it.
Swan - Joe! My God! How could you?!
Condor - It was the moment! ...And the beer.
[The Swallow is laughing out of control. Katse hirself is on the floor by this time in absolute hysterics.]
Swan - You're sick, Joe!
Condor - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now bail me out!!!
Swallow - (giggling) Did Hakase bail you out that time, Aniki?
Condor - Yes! Which is why we don't want to tell him! Get it?
Swallow - Yup. Major blackmail points on Aniki Joe!
Condor - No!
Swallow - Can I drive your car?
Condor - Ack!
Eagle - Behave, Jinpei. Okay, Joe, we'll bail you out. Who's got bail money?
[Dead silence, except for Katse's insane giggling from the floor.]
Eagle - Guys?
Condor - Guys?
Eagle - Come on, team. Just give me enough money to get Joe out.
Swallow - What? Did Onechan suddenly start paying me?
Swan - Do you have any idea how much money you owe me already, Ken?
Eagle - Hey! I won't owe you back, Joe will.
Swan - He owes me too.
Condor - For what?!
Swan - Throwing that punk out through the front window.
Condor - He was bothering me!
Swan - How? By breathing in your general direction?
Condor - No! ...Well, okay, yes.
Swan - I am not lending either of you money! Ask Ryu if you're so desperate.
Condor - Way to work as a team, Jun. Remind me to shoot you in the back too sometime. Preferably with a bird missile.
Swan - Hey, I've got rent and staff to pay, remember?
Condor - Yeah, well, uh oh...
Eagle - Joe?!
(sounds of the door being open, Joe being taken out, and a good hour's worth of sounds of him getting processed through the station. Complete with his curses, the guards yells and finally the door of a cell being slammed behind him.)
Condor - Godamned strip searches... Why does everyone think the worst of me? They act like I'm some kind of homicidal nut!
Swallow - Aniki, you ARE a homicidal nut.
Condor - Only to the Galactors. Shit, punch one cop...
Eagle - You punched a cop?!
Condor - He told me to drop and spread 'em! And he wasn't even blonde!
Eagle - I think we need to have a serious talk about your priorites, Joe!
Swan - Did you hurt him, Joe?
Condor - Would I do a thing like that?
All - YES!!!
Swallow - Aniki, try to think, what happened to the camera?!
Condor - I'll give you the camera, you little...
Swan - Joe!
Owl - Hi, everyone, I'm back. What happened while I was gone?
Swallow -
OnechantookmypictureandthenJoeranoffwiththecamera
andIchasedhimbuthegotarrestedanditturnsouthehadsexinafountainandhitacopandwecan't
tellHakaseandIdon'tknowwherethecameraisandnowmybuttisgoingtobeontheeveningnews!
*gasp!* Did I get it all?
Condor - What the hell did he just say?
Owl - Condor had sex with a cop in a fountain?
Condor - No!
Swallow - Yes!
Swan - Jinpei!
Eagle - Shut up! I need to think.
Condor - Oh, great, I'll be here for life...
Eagle - Joe, we need to get you out of there, before Galactor realizes you're in a cell.
[A hysterically laughing purple mass mutters something along the lines of "too late", but it's laughing too hard for the words to be clear. Or for it to order its people to attack.]
Condor - No duh. Can I shoot my way out?
Eagle - No.
Condor - But...
Eagle - No.
Condor - K'so... You gotta get me out of here! Do something!
Eagle - I don't see any way around it, Joe. We're going to have to call Hakase.
Condor - I'd rather rot.
Eagle - Bear with me, Joe. It's for your own good.
Condor - YOU CALL HAKASE AND I'LL HANG YOUR LUNGS FROM THE FLAGPOLE!!! ...Why no, Officer, I wasn't saying anything. Just a little breathing exercise to calm my nerves...
Eagle - Hakase Nambu, come in.
Nambu - Yes, Eagle. What is it?
Condor - (whispering) Please, Ken, I'm begging you...
Eagle - We have a problem, Hakase. Condor's been arrested.
Nambu - What, again?
Condor - It's not my fault! If Jun hadn't been taking nudie pics of Jinpei this never would have happened... oh, God, they arrested me with film of a naked kid. I'm dead.
Nambu - Jun?!
Swan - But, Hakase, he looked so cute!
Swallow - I did not!
Nambu - Oh, all right, Jun.
Condor - ALL RIGHT? I'M IN A GODDAMN CELL AND YOU TELL HER IT'S ALL RIGHT??!!! Why, yes, officer, it's just another one of my breathing exercises. Heh.
Nambu - Joe, you're grounded.
Condor - But it's not my fault!!
Nambu - Behave yourself.
Condor - K'so...
Nambu - Joe, I'll have you cleared in an hour. Then we're going to have a long talk.
Condor - Oh, Lord...
Afterword:
Nambu was true to his word, no one saw the Condor outside of combat for weeks and the picture took up a proud place in Jun's bar, to be used when Jinpei threatened to cut out of work. Katse, having passed out from lack of air because s/he laughed too hard, missed hir chance to take down Condor Joe, but at least s/he had it all on tape.It made for great listening over the PA during the next Gatchaman attack.
The End
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