This mess is the sequel to "Sex and the Single Swan". Thanks to Ebonbird for the input.
[Disclaimer: I own none of this, except for Candi Wigglebutt and the Cuckoo]
Lori McDonald
January 1998
Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something? Jun wondered as she pelted down the corridor in response to the alarm. Ah, it can’t have been important...
Two weeks later...
Frantically, Jun ran down the hall, the wings of her BirdStyle sweeping behind her as she sprinted to the press room, trying to look demure and only coming across as panicked.
Having given up on Ken as a hopeless cause, she’d been dating Joe for three months, three very intense months where she learned more than she ever thought she would about racing, Sicily and how to speak Sicilian. Or at least swear in it. Likewise, he’d added lasagna and spaghetti to the menu at the Snack J, and was just generally there for her. To her own amazement, she’d found that she actually did love him, and the sex was fantastic, even if he did have a thing for doing it in odd places. If he jumped her in Nambu’s bathroom one more time...
Jun put that out of her head. She had far bigger things to worry about. Coming to the press room, she slipped in. It was filled with reporters, all focused on Nambu as he gave the latest live update on the Galactor situation. Bored out of their minds but looking impressive in uniform anyways, Ken and Joe stood on the dais behind him and to either side. Having them there was good PR and resulted in more viewers, even if Joe had confided in her that it always made him itch in places he couldn’t scratch politely.
Slipping over to the edge of the crowd, careful not to get in the cameras’ way, she gestured at Joe.
"...and the republic of Hontwohl is finally acknowledging demands from the allied forces to..." Nambu droned on in a monotone voice while millions of people at home watched and yawned. Behind him and to his left, the Eagle’s head nodded, then snapped up again. On Nambu’s other side and slightly back, the Condor, who’d been making faces at the camera, suddenly looked off screen to his right and stared, then mouthed something. The Eagle continued to doze, listing sideways, as Nambu kept up the speech.
"...the relocation program for those who..."
The Condor glanced at the camera, then turned partly away, mouthing something silently again, gesturing in confusion. A few bored cameramen turned their cameras the way he was looking to see the Swan standing by the door, waving at him and mouthing three syllables. Turning back to the Condor, they saw him cup his helmet as though to indicate he couldn’t hear her. He shook his head and tossed up his hands. Back to the Swan as she very slowly and angrily mouthed the syllables at him again. Back to the Condor as he stared downward, mouthing them out himself, trying to figure them out.
"...now we’ll start the slide show to indicate how..."
"YOU’RE PREGNANT??!!" the Condor thundered. Suddenly remembering the cameras, he turned back to them and grinned. "Uh, I’ll be right back." Leaping off the dais, he ran after the Swan out of the room.
Nambu gawked at them, then looked down at his notes and back up. "We’ll take a short break right now."
Behind him and to his left, the Eagle fainted.
"When??" Jun wailed. "I was so careful! I’m on the pill and everything! How can I be pregnant??"
Nuzzling her neck happily from behind while he sat with his arms around her waist, Joe shrugged. "Musta been that mission two weeks ago, when you missed taking your pill."
She paled. "But that was just one day!"
"Sometimes that's all it takes, hon," he assured her happily. One of his hands was creeping up her thigh. He kept meaning to thank whoever designed her costume for that little feature.
"Joe."
He didn't listen, singing under his breath. "She's having my baby..."
"Joe-ohhhh!"
"One day. That's all it took. I betcha I can remember exactly when it happened, too. Against the side of the bird missile in the launch bay on the way home from the mission."
"Well, you’re sure enjoying this," she groused, glaring at him.
"Hey, you’re giving me a child. I’m gonna be a father. How could I NOT be happy?" He hugged her.
"But I’m gonna throw up every morning," she wailed. "I figured out I should take the test because I felt sick. I NEVER feel sick!"
"Yeah," he agreed.
"And I’m gonna get fat," she mourned.
"Oh yeah," he purred, holding her tighter.
"What is with you??" she snapped.
"Hey! I’m Sicilian!"
She looked away. "Oh, right. Big on families."
"Oh, yeah," he chorused, kissing her back. "A woman isn’t a woman until she’s got stretch marks."
Jun sighed. "At least I know you won’t decide I’m ugly."
"Nope. Not even when you’ve had a dozen of my kids."
Startled, she turned to look at him. "Excuse me?"
Remarkably sappy looking gray eyes smiled at her. "Will you marry me, Jun?"
She gagged. "M-marry you??"
"Yeah," he grinned. "I got you pregnant. It’s my responsibility to marry you."
Immediately, she pulled away, the sudden joy she’d been feeling flowing away. "Is that all it is? You feel you have to marry me?"
Joe stood, frowning in confusion. "But - it’s the right thing to do."
"Oh?" she retorted. "Getting married just because I’m pregnant??"
"Hey! If it was good enough for my parents, it’s good enough for us!"
Jun started to say something, then clapped her mouth shut. "Right... So, seriously, what do we do?"
"Marry me," he repeated, standing up and taking her in his arms again, holding her against him. "I was gonna ask you anyway. I just hadn’t figured out when. Why not now?"
Jun’s eyes filled with tears. "I - I-"
"Aw, it’d be a kick!"
"Straight to the head, I’m sure," she muttered.
Suddenly, the door to the small office he’d commandeered by the simple expedient of snarling at the owner opened and a reporting team bounded in. "Good afternoon! We’d like to-"
Joe’s first shot took out the light on the video camera, then the head of the reporter’s mike.
"-leave right now!" They fled.
"I hate reporters," Joe growled.
Jun sniggered. "I guess we’ll just have to keep the wedding secret or we’ll be buried in them."
His eyes lit up. "Is that a yes?"
"That’s a yes," she sobbed, kissing him.
Joe almost crushed her to him with his hug.
"Our secret," he whispered. "Definitely our secret."
Outside the door, Candi Wigglebutt looked up at the camera from her bent over position that showed her cleavage and let her press her ear against the wood at the same time. She beamed.
"Oh (gush) I have an exclusive for all my loyal watchers (shiver). The Condor and the Swan are getting (sigh) married! That’s it, girls, the Condor is OUT of the dating pool." Big tears of happiness and regret welled in her eyes.
Joe’s voice boomed through the door. "WHOEVER’S STILL OUT THERE IN TEN SECONDS IS GONNA DIE!"
Candi giggled. "And now, a word from our sponsors!"
Elsewhere, deep in the bowels of the Himalayan mountains, The Great Berg Katse hid from Sosai X’s latest temper tantrum and flipped on the tube.
"Damn reception. My soaps damn well better come in clearly this time!"
Instead, there was a news break. Katse yawned, then started as she heard the now famous words bellowed by the Condor.
"YOU’RE PREGNANT??"
Katse gaped at the set, then started to grin. This could be fun.
Elsewhere, deep in the bowels of his room, the Great Swallow Jinpei hid from homework, housework, and anything to do with the Snack J in particular, and flipped on the tube, after digging out the cord from under a pile of comics and pizza boxes.
"Cartoons... need cartoons..."
Instead, he got Joe, bellowing across the press room.
YOU’RE PREGNANT??"
Jinpei’s jaw dropped, then he started tearing through his room again until he found a knife. There was something he had to do.
Nambu stalked down the hall to the office he’d learned Joe and Jun were hiding in. This had gone too far. He’d tolerated their affair up until now, but enough was enough. Jun didn’t have the time to be pregnant, and they both knew it. She had more important duties to attend to, as did the Condor. He’d just have to lay it all down for them both.
Pushing past the reporters who were clustered at the end of the hall, he went to the office door, and, in his rage, threw it open without even knocking.
A bullet whizzed right over his head, parting his hair in its passage.
"Whoops," Joe said. "Guess it’s a good thing I gave him a warning shot."
Nambu stood frozen, shocked not so much by the bullet, since Joe had ‘accidentally’ fired at him before, as by what he saw.
"HAVEN’T YOU TWO HAD ENOUGH??" he yelled.
"Hey!" Joe protested. "Best time! It’s not like I can get her any more up a stump than she already is, now can I?"
Jun thrilled at his use of 'we.' Only she was now very cold with nothing but Joe's wings to cover her. Mostly.
"Um, Hakase?" Jun gulped, blushing. "Could you, um, close the door, maybe? Before the reporters, um, start taking notes?"
Nambu glanced over at the eagerly watching newscrews, only held back by the memory of Joe’s trigger finger. "Too late." He glared into the room, careful not to actually look at the two as he prepared his speech. Another few minutes and neither would be terribly interested in listening.
"Joe, Jun... I want you to realize how impossible this situation is, and that there is only one acceptable solution to it."
"Free day care?"
"No," he frowned. "An abortion."
"Hon?" Joe asked sweetly. "Excuse me for a second?"
"Sure."
"Great. Be right back."
Nambu blanched.
"Hi! This is Candi Wigglebutt, reporting to you live from the hospital bedside of Dr. Nambu Hakase! Doctor, would you like to make a comment?" She shoved the mike in his face.
Encased in plaster from his chin to his feet, Nambu groaned. "I forgot he was Catholic..."
Happily, Joe leaned his chin on his hands and stared over the counter at his bride-to-be as she stood on the medical scale and muttered to herself about the result.
She was going to marry him, she was going to be his...
Behind him, the door slid open.
She was going to be Jun Asakura. Mrs. Joe Asakura. Wifey-poo.
The door shut.
His little muffy-wuffy. His sweet baboo. His tasty dumpling.
"DIE, JOE!!"
His - huh??
Distracted, Joe turned a little too late and found himself flat on his back on the floor, Jinpei sitting on his chest brandishing a nutcracker. "KNOCK UP MY SISTER, WILL YOU!?!"
"Jinpei!" Jun gasped.
"GET OFF ME!" Joe bellowed.
"NOT UNTIL YOU’RE BOBBETTED, YOU SPERM DISPENSER!"
"Jinpei, wait!" Jun yelled, only to be ignored.
"AM I GOING TO HAVE TO FLUSH YOUR HEAD DOWN THE TOILET A FEW DOZEN TIMES AGAIN??" Joe screamed.
"YOU’LL BE TOO BUSY PUKING IN IT ONCE I CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!"
"Jinpei! Don’t!"
"NOT IN THIS LIFETIME, ASSWIPE!"
"DICKWAD!"
"SHRIMP!"
"PENCIL DICK!"
"Jinpei!" Jun screeched. "I’m marrying him!"
Jinpei stared at her. "Huh??"
Joe grinned up at him. "Just call me Dad."
In the press room, the Eagle slowly began to stir, wincing at the lump on the back of his head. Sitting up gingerly, he saw the room still had reporters in it, all of them ignoring him as they did their various monologues for the cameras.
What happened? he wondered, confused. It must have been some kind of Galactor attack. A form of gas to knock him out, perhaps. He’d had terrible dreams as a result of it. Something about Joe being pregnant, and Jinpei dancing with a table while Ryu ate his plane. Definitely a nightmare.
Ken stood up, deciding that he needed to find Hakase first, and make sure he was all right. An attack on the ISO would have been targeted on him, especially since no one had bothered the Eagle himself while he was unconscious, though his birdrang did appear to be missing.... and his wallet... and his socks...
Gatchaman stumbled down the stairs towards one of the reporters, prepared to get at least a rundown on what happened from him. The reporter was speaking.
"Yes, we have a confirmation on the previous information we gave to you. The Swan is pregnant, and the Condor has officially proposed to her. They’re getting married."
Ken fainted.
"Hi, this is Candi Wigglebutt, sitting outside ISO headquarters on day 30 of the ‘Bird Watch’, and boy, are my nipples cold! See? (shiver). Tonight is the night of the bachelor and bachlorette parties, though I haven’t been invited. *sniff* Still, why should we let THAT stop us??"
Thank god for bone/tissue regeneration tanks. Limping only a little, Nambu Hakase made his way from the fourteen strategy meeting since the Swan announced her condition. ISO was frantic to figure out what to do when she became too heavy to fight, as well as what to do with the baby. The thought of JOE raising a child still made him cringe.
No answers had been reached as of yet. There was no way Jun could be expected to risk both herself and her baby, and the risk would be a high one considering her growing tendency to throw up at the slightest provocation. Instead, they were trying to find a temporary replacement ninja for the team, and had the list of potentials narrowed down to four. He still wasn’t sure though. None of them were really normal in attitude or opinions. Then again, he mused wearily. Neither are the present team.
Stepping into the elevator, he coded for the living quarters. He’d ordered Jun to move into the ISO building for her own safety, and of course Joe had come with her. Neither of them liked it, but there was no guarantee that the Galactors wouldn’t start going after pregnant women. So far, though, they’d been remarkably quiet, not a peep out of them. It was driving the strategists nuts wondering what they were up to.
The elevator reached the correct floor, as usual, and opened just like it normally did. However, Nambu getting flattened against the back wall by the soundwave that blasted in was just a trifle unusual.
"What the hell is going on??" was what he would have screamed if there were any space left for more soundwaves. As it was, he just kind of mimed it.
He hadn’t heard music this loud since Joe was fifteen.
Wincing in pain and wishing he had the earplugs he wore during Director Anderson’s speeches, he made his way down the hall, leaning forward into the wall of sound with every step. To his complete and total lack of surprise, the music was coming from Joe and Jun’s apartment. The bachelor party, he thought. It must be the bachelor party. Why can’t they be restrained and just have tea and scones like women always do??
Angry and in pain - and secretly hoping to catch a glimpse of the stripper - Nambu threw the door open, and his eyes widened as he did indeed catch an extremely good view of the stripper.
Unfortunately, he was far more male than he’d anticipated.
"JUN!" he yelled, completely forgetting that she couldn’t hear him. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???"
Apparently, the limbada.
"I’m bored," Joe bitched.
"Me too," Ryu sighed, downing his wine and reaching for another one.
Ken blinked in surprise. "What’s wrong? Aren’t you having fun?"
"Oh, yeah, Ken. Loads."
Deep in the heart of Utoland city, then a few miles to the right, the men of the ninja tai, plus whatever ISO workers they’d invited, sat around a cafe, looking incredibly bored as waitresses old enough to be their mothers brought out scones and tea and the overhead system played elevator music.
"Y’know, Ken," Joe groused. "This wasn’t quite what I had in mind for tonight."
"Oh," Ken looked hurt. "I’m sorry, I did my best."
"Jeez, Ken! Okay, okay, it’s great!" Joe glared into his cooler.
Behind his back, Ken hid a quick grin at Jinpei. Steal MY girl, will you?
"Well, HI! This is Candi Wigglebutt reporting to you from the ISO holding cells! *giggle* Apparently, their security is MUCH better than we thought it was. *sigh* But at least we got some great footage going through the strip search, didn’t we? (sigh, gush) But tell me, officer. Are strip searches of women supposed to be done by teams of twenty men and take three hours?"
"All right, team," Nambu said, leading the way into his office. "Since Jun is pregnant-"
"Whoo-hoo!" Joe said.
"Will you stop doing that?" the scientist groused. "It’s getting on my nerves."
"Gomen, Hakase."
"Right." He glared at the grinning Sicilian, not believing a word of it. "Anyway, as I was saying, since Jun is pregnant-" Joe opened his mouth and Ken clapped a hand over it. "-ISO has had to pick a replacement for her."
"Temporary, right, Hakase?" Jun asked.
He flushed. "Um, well, you see-"
"Temporary??" she growled.
"We were thinking, since the baby would need a mother and all..."
"TEMPORARY??!!" she shrieked.
Nambu winced. "Right, temporary."
Jun beamed, then turned green and bolted for the trashcan.
"Ew, Onechan, that’s gross!"
Joe grinned at Ken. "We’re getting free day care."
Ken blinked. "How come? I don’t remember that being part of the health plan."
The grin didn’t change. "Because I mentioned how grumpy I’d be if I didn’t get any sleep or peace. I got lots of volunteers."
"I can imagine," Ken muttered, wondering how screwed up the kid would turn out with these two as its parents.
Having missed the trashcan, Jun looked up apologetically at the person whose shoes she’d just hurled on. "Oh, I’m sorry."
The owner, one of four people in the office, looked ill.
Nambu sighed, wondering if he should finally put in for that vacation time he was due. "Here are the four candidates," he said, handing the sick-looking one a roll of paper towels. "It will be up to you to decide which of them is most likely to fit in with the team." He gestured at the first, who was busily cleaning his shoes and muttering about the cost of suede.
"This is Bubba Wopwop," he told them.
Everyone burst out laughing.
Nambu’s face hardened. "Manners, people. Bubba is an expert at explosives, having worked in demolitions for ten years, and is an accomplished fighter." Bubba didn’t look up, still looking ill.
Nambu went on to the next. "Here is Ilsamena Pasterovicavucixerakjear," he said without missing a beat. Jinpei’s mouth worked, trying to pronounce the word himself without much success. "She is a science expert and an assassin working for the ISO."
The woman, a hefty six feet of muscle with a huge bun in the back, snapped to attention. Ryu looked like he was in love.
The KNT gawked at her. "We have assassins??" Ken managed.
"Well, yes."
"But- but that’s unethical!"
Joe leaned towards him. "Need I remind you that we regularly toss a ten year old into combat?"
"But that’s - um..." He smiled at Nambu. "Next."
Nambu sighed. "Here is Wilamina Hoe," he told them, gesturing at a short, extremely well endowed woman wearing a full ninja suit. "Her skills are-" He frowned at her sheet. "What exactly are your skills?"
She giggled, shivering. "I’m an expert in distraction! (giggle, gush)"
Joe’s tongue hit the floor.
Recognizing the reaction, Ken stepped forward and yanked her hood off. "Candi Wigglebutt!"
Found out, the reporter glared death at him, then beamed at Nambu. "Isn’t it a wonderful idea (shiver) for a reporter (gasp) to go into combat with the team (sigh) to record everything for (shiver) prosperity?"
"No," he groused. "Guards!"
Candi was led away.
"I wonder where she kept the camera?" Ryu wondered.
"I’m afraid to ask," Ken muttered.
"I’m not," Joe leered.
Jun whacked him across the back of the head. "Why do I sense the inspiration for the name Hoe had nothing to do with garden implements?"
Nambu looked incensed. "I can’t BELIEVE anyone would think they could fool us with such a pathetic disguise!" He turned to the last, a six foot four woman with long blonde hair. "Meet Katzerina Bergman."
"Hi!" s/he said. "I’m an expert in terrorism!"
"So, who do we go with?"
"Can we take Ilsamena?"
"No, way, Ryu! She’s scary!"
"I’ll give you a box of skittles..."
"Well..."
"No bribery!"
"Sumimasen, Ken."
"What about Bubba?"
"You’re kidding, right? I’ll say his name once and kill myself laughing."
"Can we go with Candi? Ow! Stop hitting, Jun!"
"Need I remind you that we’re getting MARRIED in a week??"
"Hey, a guy’s gotta have a last - OW OW OW OW OW!!! Okay, okay! Sorry! Ditch the bitch!"
"Don’t call her a bitch!"
"OW OW OW OW OW!!"
"Um, can you two keep the violence down? I think they can hear us in the other office."
"I think they can hear us in Tibet. I guess that leaves one choice."
"Oh, thank you for picking me!" Katse gushed. "I promise you, you won’t regret this!"
Deep in the ISO building, a private gym held five young people - okay, four young, one middle aged - practicing their moves.
The Eagle was flawless, grace and perfection in white wings, there then gone, invisible.
The Condor raged, every movement precise, every blow directed to kill, to main, to win.
The Swallow flitted about, quick and small, agility giving him speed the others lacked.
The Owl faced his opponents directly, charging into them like an unstoppable force.
The Cuckoo tripped over hir wings, landed on hir butt, cursed into hir helm and glared up at the observation window. "Who the HELL gave me this name???" s/he yelled.
Nambu looked down and shrugged. "We picked it out of a hat," he admitted. "Same as the others. Their’s all worked out well, I’m sure yours will suit you too."
"Hey!" Jinpei yelled. "At least it’s not the Dodo!"
"Or the Pigeon."
"Or the Titmouse."
"That one would have worked for Candi," Joe sniggered.
"Get ready!" Ken yelled. "Kagaku Nimpo Fighter!"
The team leaped together, forming up for the whirlwind pyramid. Katse shivered as s/he joined them, hoping it was easier to deal with from this direction than from outside, where s/he usually faced it. The order they stood in was different from their usual one though. Since s/he was so much taller than the Swan, s/he stood at the bottom, linking arms with the Condor. Gatchaman leaped onto hir shoulders, his boots digging into hir, but s/he guessed s/he wasn’t nearly so uncomfortable as the Condor, who had to hold Ryu on his. The Swallow alit at the top.
"Hurry up," Joe gasped. "My knees are going..."
They started to spin. The room raced around them as Katse felt hir feet leave the floor, along with hir breakfast.
"Eww...." the Swallow whined. "I thought we replaced Onechan to AVOID this??"
"Baadorang!"
The boomerang arced through the gym, whizzing around the walls before smacking back into its owner’s hand.
Katse watched appreciatively, then turned to see the Condor throwing a plethora of feather shuriken, perforating a target nicely. The Swallow stood beyond him, whirling his clackers around his head while the Owl slammed at a punching bag with his fist.
They were impressive to watch. Normally when they were in action, s/he was too busy running for hir life to really see what they were doing. They were truly a wonder. S/he’d have to incorporate their training techniques with hir Blackbird squadron and see if it made a difference.
Nambu came up to hir. "Your weapon is ready."
Katse leered at him, excited. The Kagaku Ninja Tai’s weaponry was unstoppable, though s/he had to admit, s/he did not want to be stuck with the Swan’s yo-yo. It just looked so stupid.
Nambu dropped hir weapon into her hand. "Here you go."
Katse stared down at it. "What is it?"
"A rubber band."
Hir eyebrows rose. "A rubber... band."
"Yes." He looked quite proud of himself in an inane sort of way. "Try it out."
A rubber band. They gave hir a goddamned rubber band. How humiliating. Gripping one end, s/he stretched the other and fired it at the Condor’s butt. With a shriek, he launched himself straight into the ceiling.
Katse started to grin. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Finally, the happy day arrived. Insisting on a cathedral wedding - on pain of death - and that it be traditional Catholic - on pain of death - Joe stood in the rear of the church in his tuxedo, puking into the confessional.
"Nervous?" Ken asked.
"Hell, no! I’m just having sympathetic upchucks to keep the Swan happy!"
Ken just rolled his eyes and scratched at an armpit, deciding that Suits be Us was the wrong place to rent the tuxedos. His pants only came down to his ankles and Ryu’s belly button was showing. Come to think of it, the sight of it had given him the urge to hurl too.
Glancing through the door into the church, he saw all their friends assembling. Nambu was there, sipping nervously at a pint mug of saki, while Director Anderson flirted with the newest of the Kagaku Ninja Tai. The Cuckoo was settling in nicely, though he kept getting the feeling he’d seen her somewhere before. Red Impulse came in with his followers and he grimaced. They’d really had no choice but to invite them. He just hoped he didn’t trip them on their way up to the alter.
In all, there were about two hundred people in attendance. It was going to be a nice, quiet wedding.
"Hi! This is Candi Wigglebutt, reporting to you LIVE (gasp) from the Utoland Cathedral. (giggle) Today is the day when the Condor and the Swan (gush) are finally getting married! Let’s break in and get some pictures, ‘kay??"
Ken was helping Joe wipe the stains off his cummerbund when Jinpei sprinted in. "We got trouble!"
"What is it?" he asked, hoping this didn’t mean the caterer had screwed up the dinner menu. Salmon and hohos had to be hard to get this time of year.
The little boy swallowed. "The press is here."
Ken blinked. "You’re kidding."
"Nope." Jinpei started ticking them off on his fingers. "CNN, ABC, NBC, SEX, 666, HBO, XXX, they’re all here! And armed too. I don’t think we can get them to leave."
Ken slapped his hand against his forehead. "How’d they find out??"
Outside, Nambu blinked at the reporters, before pouring himself another pintful of Saki to fortify himself. "Maybe I shouldna put the notice in th’ paper," he slurred. And also decided that maybe he shouldn’t have started drinking yesterday morning. Oh well, he thought and downed his mug, then poured another.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I CAN’T WEAR THE DRESS???" Jun shrieked.
"Look, Jun," Ken said soothingly, trying to placate her. "This place is crawling with press. "We don’t want them to know who you are. If you want, we can postpone until later and-"
"OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!"
"Gee," Ken muttered, rubbing at his sore ears. "That’s what Joe said."
Jun glared at him, bosom heaving. She was wearing a lovely white gown, having bashed the last person who suggested she shouldn’t really wear white, and her stomach protruded slightly in front. She would have glowed if she didn’t look like she was about to explode.
"Jun," he said carefully, backing away until he was sure she was out of range. "You have to wear your BirdStyle. There’s no way around it."
She glared at him, incensed, then started cursing. She’d definitely been taking lessons from Joe. Stripping out of the gown - while he turned beet red and resolutely turned his back after a good minute - she put on her civvies, changed to BirdStyle, stripped that off, except for the helmet, and put the gown back on, laying her veil on over the top.
"How do I look?"
Like a duck on speed. "Beautiful," he grinned, lying for all he was worth.
In full BirdStyle - and secretly glad he didn’t have to wear that itchy tux, Joe stalked up the aisle, glaring death at everyone as he stormed up to where Ryu waited in his BirdStyle at the front.
Ryu leaned over to him while he slammed to a halt beside him. "Hey, it’s your wedding day. Try to be happy."
Joe glared at him. "What are you talking about? I AM happy."
"Right. Forget I said anything."
In BirdStyle next to the Swallow in the front row, Katse sniffed, wiping at one eye. The Swallow glanced at hir. "What’s your problem?"
"Oh, nothing," s/he managed, blinking to clear hir eyes.
Jinpei leaned forward, one hand holding up his chin as he grimaced. "I still can’t believe my sister is marrying that... that..."
"Idiot?" Katse supplied helpfully. "Loser? Psycho? Bastard? Stud?"
Jinpei blinked at her. "Stud?"
"Oops! I meant psycho."
"You already said that one."
"Did I? Sorry."
Finally, they were ready.
Since Nambu had finally had too much saki and passed out in the vestibule, Ken had taken over the duty of walking Jun down the aisle, passing over best man duties to Ryu, who looked suitably ready to keep Joe from running for it. Bracing himself, he smiled at Jun, and opened the doors, marching down the aisle slowly to the organ strains of I’m in Love with my Car. How in hell Joe had talked Jun into that one, Ken had no idea, but she seemed happy with it as she walked with him, head held high. His white wings sweeping down his back, Ken walked proudly with his teammate, the eyes of the world on him, strangely never more proud of himself and his team than at this moment. Press or no press, the day was flawless.
Red Impulse tripped him as he passed.
"Mawwaige..." the pastor started and hacked. "Sorry... Marriage," he began again. "Is not to be entered into lightly. It is a union of two individuals, consecrated before God..."
Joe listened to the pastor speak, happy. Blissfully, blissfully happy.
Jun began to wonder if she was making a mistake.
Jinpei sighed, realizing that, yes, he should have gelded Joe long ago.
Ken glared at Red Impulse, promising a painful death.
Red Impulse grinned.
Nambu snored.
Ryu decided he was hungry and began to daydream about Twinkies.
Candi cried.
Katse cried, blowing hir nose noisily on Jinpei’s wing. "I love weddings," s/he sobbed.
Three hours into the ceremony, the pastor looked up, the pause waking everyone who’d fallen asleep, which happened to be everyone except for Joe, who’d been standing there holding Jun up while she snored for a good fourty minutes, still mindlessly happy.
"Now, if anyone has any reason that these two should NOT be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."
Drawing his gun, Joe aimed it at the assembled. "Anybody got anything to say?" he growled.
Terrified, no one said a word.
"I thought not," he smirked, and reholstered it.
"Does anyone have the rings?" the pastor squeaked, eyes wide.
"I do." Ryu stepped up and reached into his pocket, bringing out a handful of rings. Examining one, he tossed it aside. "Nope." Picked up a green lantern ring. "Nope." A secret decoder ring. "Nope."
"Hey, I want that!" Jinpei shrieked, diving for it.
"Nope... nope... nope..."
Joe lunged for him, only he was beaten by Jun.
"GIVE US THE GODDAMN RINGS!!"
Ryu blanched. "Here ya go," he eeped, tossing them at her. "Sheesh. Some people."
Jun turned back to the terrified pastor, smiling. "Here they are."
"Eep," he managed. "Um, do you, Shiratori no Jun, promise to take Kondoru no Joe to be your lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in heath, in good times and in bad, in firefight and freefall, to have and to hold, to share ammo and bandages, from this day onward, forever and ever, for so long as you both shall live?"
"Hai," she whispered.
He looked at Joe and shuddered. "And you, Kondoru no-"
"Yeah."
"Okay," the pastor whimpered, swallowing heavily. "I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs Kondoru no Joe. You may now kiss the bride."
Joe swept Jun up in his arms and almost gouged her eye out with his visor.
Ken sat down next to Jinpei and Katse, face buried in his hand. "I knew I should have slept with her when I had the chance."
"It’s all your fault for being such a prude!" Jinpei bitched, smacking him.
"Hi! *giggle* This is Candi Wigglebutt, here at the reception for the Kagaku Ninja Tai’a first married couple! (gush)"
Faintly, a yell sounded from the other side of the room. "How the hell did SHE get in here??"
"We’re here *shiver* to wish the KNT the best. *sigh* and hopefully get embarrassing pictures to ruin any chances of any of them entering politics later in life. *giggle*"
"Cuckoo! Do something useful, get her out of here!"
Shivering delightfully for all of her drooling fans, Candi wiggled her way across the reception hall, past where Jinpei was sitting under a table playing with his new secret decoder ring, where Ryu was taste testing his third layer of wedding cake, and Ken was yelling at a woman in a purple BirdStyle who was much taller than he was, and grinning like a maniac to boot.
"How am I supposed to do that?"
"I don’t know! Give her something else to focus on. Just do it!"
"It’s been a wonderful wedding, and everyone is lining up to kiss the bride." She gestured happily at the line of drunken men Jun was reluctantly letting bus her on the cheek. The fact that Joe stood behind her growling kept them from trying anything less platonic. "Isn’t that sweet? *giggle, sigh*. Let’s go wish the best to the Condor." She sashayed her way up to the couple, gushing at Jun before grabbing Joe, yanking him over almost on his back, and French kissing him on live television while he struggled and Jun’s eyes got as big as saucers. Her face was just going red when Katse tapped the reporter on the shoulder.
"Hi. Wanna hear some embarrassing stories about the Eagle’s sex life?"
Candi immediately dropped Joe, who looked like he was fighting to breathe. "Really? You have details?" Her eyes were shining rather ferally.
Katse shrugged. "I’m sure I can make something up as we go along. Shall we?"
"Of course! *giggle, gush, sigh.*"
"It was a beautiful wedding."
Ken glared at his helmsman. "Are you kidding? It was a disaster!"
Ryu sighed and took a swig of his beer. "Yeah. I didn’t want to be the one to say it though. At least Joe had fun."
Ken sipped his own. "Until he started copping feels from the bridesmaids and Jun hit him with that table. I TOLD him to stay away from Nambu’s saki. That’s strong stuff."
"Yeah." Ryu was silent a few moments, sipping his beer and staring out the window at the moonlight. "Where’s Jinpei?"
"Locked in the closet. Started begging his sister to change her mind and that it wasn’t too late."
"He got locked up for that?"
"Had a set of nutcrackers on him."
"Oh." Ryu sipped. "Cuckoo?"
"Talking to Candi like an old friend. I wonder what she’s telling her?"
He shrugged. "Can’t be anything important, otherwise Candi wouldn’t be interested." He sighed. "So, Joe and Jun are married. Wow, we’re all growing up."
Ken shrugged. "I think we all grew up a long time ago."
"Then how come we had to bribe the bartender for these beers?"
Gradually, the day wound to a close. Jun dragged Joe off somewhere to do God-knows-what, though apparently it involved them calling room service for whipped cream, rubber duckies and, eventually, a fire extinguisher. Ken and Ryu went out to get plastered, but the drinking age in Utoland was twenty one, so they had to settle for coming back and stealing Nambu’s saki. Jinpei, forgotten in the closet, started a cockroach farm and rifled through everyone’s coats for loose change, finally coming up with enough to buy either his own car or a hitman to off his new ‘dad’. After much deliberation, he decided to buy a seal instead. Nambu passed out in the remains of the wedding cake and woke up the next morning to find his picture plastered all over the paper. Red Impulse let all the air out of his son’s tires and went home. Candi went to the office with her exclusive and Katse, being Katse, plotted hir next move.
THE END
It ends here because I really don’t give a damn anymore. :) Besides, Katse as the Cuckoo has potential. Maybe I’ll bring hir back someday, or someone else will decide to. Until then, gambatte kudasai and sayonara.
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