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Homepage (I don't know how this thing got this title... but it's a semi-sequel/prequel to "The Comm Channel", which is set years after it. The plot is Dan Rush's. Blame him. :)
[Disclaimer: Everything here belongs to someone else]
Lori McDonald
October 1997
(Basic premise. The Kagaku Ninjatai aren't the Kagaku Ninjatai quite yet. They're still in training, ranging in age from 5 to 14, and are presently at an ocean side military base being sent through something vagually similar to boot camp, where they are, of course, expected to conduct themselves like adults.)
Drill Sargeant - You lot are the sorriest mess of recruits I have ever seen, and I have seen some of the worst! But never before have I seen such a scrawny, short, shrimpy bunch of pathetic girlies as you five... AND WILL YOU STOP CRYING, ALREADY! YOU'RE GETTING ON MY NERVES!
Jinpei - (blubbering) S-sorr-rr-yy!
Jun - Jinpei!
Drill Sargeant - Get back into formation! You don't drop out of attention until I tell you you can! You don't even BREATHE until I tell you you can! GET BACK HERE!!!
Joe - What for?
Drill Sargeant - Because that's a direct order from a superior officer!!!
Ken - But didn't you say never to call you sir and you worked for a living? Sir?
Drill Sargeant - SHUT UP!
Jinpei - I-I wanna go h-home!
Jun - You're mean, sir!
Drill Sargeant - Of course I'm mean! You haven't even begun to see mean! And don't call me sir!
Ken - But you just said...
Drill Sargeant - SHUT UP!
Joe - (yelling back at them from a good 100 feet away) Not very original is he? He keeps saying the same thing!
Ken - I noticed. Is that normal, sir?
Drill Sargeant - Shu.. Be quiet! Or I'll have you all hauling fourty pound packs for the next six hours. AND GET BACK HERE, ASAKURA!!
Joe - (from even farther away) Make me!
Ryu - Wow. Look how purple he's getting!
Ken - Do you want me to call a doctor, sir?
Jinpei - Onechan, I gotta go bathroom.
Drill Sargeant - Don't move! No doctors! Get back to attention!
Jinpei - But I gotta go bad!
Ryu - Isn't it lunch time yet?
Joe - (distantly) Hey! Someone left the keys in this jeep!
Ken - Sir? Are you okay?
Jun - Hold it, Jinpei. We'll find a bathroom.
Drill Sargeant - (to himself) I give up. They're worse than the godamned navy.
Ken - Joe! Wait up!
Joe - Cool! It's even got a machine gun in the back! And grenades!
Ryu - I can smell lunch!
Jun - Where's that bathroom?
Jinpei - Oops...
Nambu - I am very disappointed in your behaviour today, children.
Joe - What d'ya expect? We're kids. (chokes slightly on the last word and looks surprised)
Jinpei - Can I get a new uniform? I messed in this one.
Jun - What? You have three others. What happened to them?
Jinpei - Um...
Ryu - He keeps wetting the bed.
Jinpei - Do not!
Ryu - Sure you do! Sarge gets mad since we sleep in our clothes half the time.
Jun - Why didn't you tell me?
Joe - You're surprised he didn't?
Ken - Sir?
Nambu - What is it, Ken?
Ken - Well, I was thinking...
Joe - Uh oh... (coughs)
Ken - I was thinking that what happened wasn't so bad, since it showed that we can't be intimidated by anyone who threatens us.
Joe - But we can pee all over ourselves.
Jinpei - Did not!
Ryu - And fire machine guns at fences.
Joe - Like I knew it was electrocuted.
Ryu - Nice fire though.
Joe - I thought so.
Ryu - So did the combat marines who poured in, along with all the fire trucks.
Joe - It's great t' be noticed, y'know. (coughs)
Nambu - Are you two done yet?
Joe - No, not really.
Nambu - Do you want guard duty at night for the next week?
Joe - Do I get a gun?
Nambu - No.
Joe - Drat.
Nambu - Ken, your idea has merit, but you also need to learn to obey authority.
Jun - Even when they make Jinpei cry?
Jinpei - Was not!
Jun - Was too!
Jinpei - Was not!
Jun - Was too!
Jinpei - Was not!
Jun - Was too!
Nambu - (sounding strained) Yes! The Drill Sargeant has earned the right to be treated with respect.
Joe - How? By telling us we're all a bunch of girls?
Ryu - At least he was right once.
Joe - Yeah. One in five are good betting averages.
Ken - Are you all right, Nambu? You look like you have a headache.
Nambu - Migraine, actually.
Jun - Well, that's silly.
Jinpei - Yeah!
Nambu - Children (stresses the word). You will behave yourselves, and you will obey the drill sargeant. He's here to teach you things you will need to survive. Is that understood?
All - Yes, Hakase.
Ken - Are we in trouble, Hakase?
Joe - Too weenie to take it like a man, Ken?
Ken - Shut up, Joe.
Joe - Make me.
Ken - (ignoring him) Are we going to be punished?
Nambu - Punishment can be received in many ways.
Jun - Why did the way he said that frighten me?
Ryu - 'Cause you're a wise, wise woman, Juney, my dear.
Jinpei - She's too flat to be a woman!
Jun - What?!
Jinpei - Onechan, stop! Help! Oww!
Barber - So, these are the new recruits. Nambu's wonder children.
(He guides Joe into the chair and whips a sheet around his neck.)
Ryu - (whining) I wanted to be first.
Ken - Jeez, Ryu. It's just a haircut.
Joe - I want a little off the sides, but leave it long in the back. Got it?
Barber - Whatever you say. (Yells to the back) George! Get the bowl!
Joe - I can't believe this! I look like Moe! (voice cracks on the final word. He doesn't notice)
Jinpei - Who's Moe?
Ryu - Obviously someone who cut his hair with a bowl.
Ken - I don't think I've ever looked so stupid in my life.
Jinpei - (cheerfully patting him on the back) Don't worry, Aniki. You have.
Ken - Gee, thanks.
Joe - I can't believe this! A bowl cut! On a Sicilian! THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME!! (his voice is cracking on every second word. He still hasn't noticed.)
Jun - HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL ABOUT IT?!
Joe - Well, Jeez, Jun, it's not like anyone ever looked at you anyway.
Jun - WHAT?!
Ryu - (to Jinpei) Duck?
Jinpei - Duck.
(Ryu and Jinpei run in terror as Ken tries to seperate Jun and Joe. He gets poked in the eye for his trouble. Joe is slapped across the face while Jun is bopped on the top of her head)
Ken - Will you two stop it?
Jun - H-he called me flat!
Ken - Aren't you?
Jun - Wahh!!!! (runs off)
Joe - Way (crack) to piss off (crack) a woman, (crack) Ken.
Ken - What'd I say?
Joe - Y'know, I'm (crack) not entirely (crack) sure...
Ken - Did you know your voice is changing?
Joe - Never (crack) would (crack) have (crack) guessed (crack).
Ken - Just thought you should know. (wanders away)
Joe - (crack) Moron (crack).
Drill Sargeant - All right, you bunch of babies - AND I DON'T MEAN THAT AS PERMISSION FOR YOU TO SUCK YOUR THUMB!!
Jinpei - Sorry.
Jun - We're really trying to get him to stop that.
Joe - Why don't you work on the bed wetting first? Thumbs don't smell in the morning. (assume by this time that his voice is cracking so much he sounds like he's sucking helium).
Ken - Psst! Guys!
Ryu - Spring a leak, Ken?
Ken - We're supposed to obey, remember?
Joe - So? What's the worst they can do to us if we don't?
Ken - Think 'bowl cut'.
Joe - Good point. Yes, Sir? I mean Putz... I mean Drill Sargeant? What would you like us to do today?
Drill Sargeant - (muttering) Do a drop straight into napalm.
Ken - What was that, sir?
Drill Sargeant - I SAID I WANT YOU TO ASSEMBLE THE RIFLES ON THE TABLE BEFORE YOU - how the hell did you do that?
Joe - (puzzled) You said to assemble them.
Drill Sargeant - In three seconds?!
Ken - Joe's really good with weapons.
Jun - Yet he still can't figure out how to put the toilet seat down.
Joe - Can I kill somebody now?
Drill Sargeant - NO!
Joe - Aw...
Ken - I love the beach.
Joe - Then you obviously haven't got enough sand in your shorts.
Ken - What? Ack! No!!!
Joe - Hold him down, Ryu!
Ken - No! My shorts! My dignity!
Joe - Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!
Ryu - Hey, Joe, you know you sound like Mickey Mouse on speed?
Joe - Hey! Ack! You distracted me! He's getting away!
Ryu - So?
Joe - We have to catch him!
Ryu - You seriously want me to RUN?!
Drill Sargeant - (distantly) GET YOUR BUTTS OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE NOSEWIPES!... NO, THAT WASN'T PERMISSION EITHER!
Jinpei - (also distantly) Sorry...
Joe - Guess not...
Drill Sargeant - All right, I want you to get in your swim suits and swim out to that buoy, then back! I'd make you do it in your uniforms and combat boots, but they weigh more than you do and I don't want to have to haul your frozen blue butts out of there.
Joe - (smirking) Meaning he doesn't want to get his dainties wet.
Drill Sargeant - I heard that! Fall out, you little punk. We're going to settle this attitude of yours if I have to knock all your baby teeth out!
Joe - Cool! (steps over to him)
[WHAM!]
Ken - Woww....
Jun - Gee...
Jinpei - That was fun!
Ryu - Quick, too. Are you alright?
Drill Sargeant - I think... you broke... my rib...
Joe - Does this mean I get to give the orders now?
All - No!
Joe - Drat.
Ken - Now, I'm in charge.
Joe - Says who?
Ken - Says Nambu. I'm supposed to be leader. YOU'RE only the second in command. Now, where did my swim cap go...
Joe - We're at boot camp and you're looking for a swim cap?
Ken - And Jinpei's water wings. I hope he didn't forget them.
Joe - Ken, you're a wimp.
Ken - I am not!
Joe - Yes, you are!
Ken - I am not! I'm brave! Hakase told me so!
Joe - Sheah, right! You look like a weenie, mushroom headed, zero chested wuss!
Ken - I AM NOT!
Joe - Then prove it!
Ken - Easily! What do you want me to do?
Joe - (grinning maniacally) Okay, we're supposed to be changing for the swim, and we have no adult supervision. We have a tent, Ryu and Jinpei have one, and Jun has one all to her lonesome.
Ken - So?
Joe - So I want you to run into Jun's tent and steal her bathing suit.
Ken - That's easy...
Joe - Naked.
Ken - ...
Joe - Pick up your jaw, Ken. You look like a fish.
Ken - Eeep.
Joe - (still grinning) Something the matter, Ken?
Ken - I can't do that!
Joe - Chicken.
Ken - I am not a chicken!
Joe - Bwawk!
Ken - Stop it! I'm not doing it!
Joe - (doing a reasonable imitation of a chicken with a high pitched voice. Or Sosai. Take your pick.) Bwawk, bwawk bwawk Bwawk...
Ken - No!
Joe - B-wawk! B-Caw! bwawk bwawk bwawk bwawk....
Ken - Okay! I'll do it!
Joe - Wahoo!
Ken - You're real mean, you know that, Joe?
Joe - Yeah. Ain't it great? Now quit stalling.
Ken - I can't believe I'm doing this... (strips naked)
Joe - ...I hate you...
Ken - Huh? Why? Why are you turning green? Are you seasick? But we're on land...
Joe - Well, not seasick... NOW MOVE!
(Ken slinks out)
Joe - And he hasn't even hit puberty yet! Christ!
Jinpei - Hi, Joe!
Joe - Yipe! Jinpei! What are you doing?
Jinpei - Crawling under the tent wall.
Joe - I can see that. What for?
Jinpei - To practice my ninja tricks of invisibility, and to get my water wings.
Joe - Yeah. The bright orange of them goes real well with the camoflauge paint.
Jinpei - Are you making fun of me?
Joe - Yes.
Jinpei - O-oh...
Joe - Christ, kid, don't cry!
Jinpei - Sorry.
Joe - Just don't do it again. Save it for the Drill Sargeant.
Jinpei - Okay! Um, why is Aniki Ken going outside without his clothes on?
Joe - He's going to play a trick on Jun. (evil smile) Say, Jinpei. Do you still have that camera you smuggled in?
Outside Jun's tent...
Ken - (to himself) I can't believe I'm doing this! I can't believe I'm doing this...
Inside Jun's tent...
Jun - (in a sing-song voice) ...bright coloured packages tied up with string... these are a few of my favourite things...
Outside Jun's tent...
Ken - (to himself) I can't believe I'm doing this... Boy, she really sucks...
Inside Jun's tent...
Jun (still in a sing-song voice) ....when the dog bites, when the bee - SCREAM!!!
Ken - Sorryjustgottaborrowthisdidn'tmeantobotheryou...
Jun - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ken - I'mreallysorryIdidn'tmeanitItwasjustajokeI'mnotlooking...
Jun - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ken - Gotta go! Bye! (grabs her swim suit. Runs out.)
Jun - EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee..... Gee, he's kinda cute...
Outside Jun's tent...
Ken - (running full speed - which is awfully hard to do in soft sand) OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD... Joe, I'm going to kill you!
Ryu - Hi, Ken. What's up? Other than the obvious?
Ken - Shut up!
Ryu - Testy...
Ken - You're gonna die, Joe! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE!!
[Click]
Ken - (skidding to a dead stop, covering himself with Jun's bathing suit and whispering) What was that?
Joe - Hey, nice one, Ken!
Ken - GIVE ME THAT CAMERA, JINPEI, OR SO HELP ME..!
Jinpei - Onechan! He's trying to get me!
Jun - Don't you hurt my little brother!
Ken - Eek!
Joe - Run, Jinpei!
Ken - You! You did this!
Joe - Ow! You hit me! We're allowed to hit each other?
Ken - RRAARRR!!!!!
Drill Sargeant - (to himself) I can't believe a twelve year old did that to me... If my platoon hears about this... Bloody fuc- no, I'm not going to lose control. They're only children...
(tops the hill to see Jun running after her little brother, Ryu standing on the sand laughing, and Ken and Joe rolling around on the ground throwing punches at each other. Ken is naked.)
Drill Sargeant - WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE????!!!!
(language degenerates rapidly from there... but he gets their attention. Especially Joe's.)
Joe - Wow...
Drill Sargeant - ATTENTION! NOW!!
Ken - No way! (runs for his tent)
Jun - He was in my tent!
Jinpei - Um, gotta go bathroom! (runs off - with the camera.)
Ryu - I have no idea what's going on.
Joe - Kuso... no... k'so? K'so? K'SO!!
Drill Sargeant - That's it! I quit! (stomps off)
Ryu - Hey! Can he do that?
Joe - Who the hell cares? It's gets us out of swimming out to that goddamned buoy.
Jun - Good thing. I have no idea where Jinpei's water wings are... Where is he anyway?
At the local photo development centre.
Clerk - What can I do for you, son?
Jinpei - How many copies of this c'n I get for a quarter? An' do you have a bathroom? I really gotta go.
The End
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