Journal number twenty: The tenacious memory of youth, obscuring the full potential of maturity.
9.26.05
My life seems to be out of control. I haven't gotten a handle on my homework yet quite. All this stuff with my Korean family just exploded... I've been talking with Jae Hyun these days online. There are a lot of things about the family that have never been said before. It's amazing. I even have an aunt in LA. Why didn't our mom tell me this before? She witheld an amazing amount of information . . . not that it was her duty to tell me or anything, but all those moments of silence could definitely could have been filled. Two years later, I'm shocked all over again.
And with my family here... I just saw my parents last weekend. Friday night we went out to eat dinner, then went to the Michigan store. There's always some other Michigan-emblazoned item they need to buy. Well, this time my mom got a sweatshirt.. that's a reasonable purchase.. ^^ Then we went to get coffee. Dad seems to like having "serious" conversations with me at Starbucks in the basement while we're seated at an inconspicuous seat. Well, this conversation was just about uh . . . my appointment. As my first sentence in this entry suggests, my life is not being directed by myself. It's just floating along as it will. Not sure what to do anymore. But anyway, that's a different story. After coffee is was getting kind of late and everybody was tired, so they drove me back home for the night. The next morning we went out to breakfast. It's been a while since I ate an omelette. Then grocery shopping, then the mall. I got a funky hat and a blue sweatshirt to offset my two black ones. That's about as varied as the colors get in my wardrobe.
One of these days... I'll be a productive member of society. My head'll be on straight and I'll have some kind of purpose. Well, that's what my plan is anyway.
9.17.05
So, I've been hearing a lot from the Korean fam these days. Jae Hyun and Jae Cheol both let me messages on my Cyworld page. James called me last night. Hmm. Right now it's Chu Suk in Korea. It's like the American Thanksgiving in that families get together and eat a bunch of food. It's cool. They also eat song pyun which is like this special kind of rice cake. I'm not really cool with regular rice cakes. In fact, I almost threw up when I ate one. But if it were flavored with something delicious in the middle it might be ok.
I quit my job. At least I stayed for two days instead of just one, like my last job. I'm not really cool with how they divide the tips. Actually you shouldn't be dividing them at all, you should keep your own money. Plus one of the bosses is a psycho. Well, that's Koreans for you. The two biggest problems were my social shortcomings and the fact that working school nights makes me oversleep the next day. That wasn't good. I can't be missing class... -_-
I'm going to see a counselor in October. This has been something I've been wanting to do for a long time but never got round to. Or I didn't have access to one prior to being here at Umich. It's a free service for students so... why not. Apparently they're a bit backed up, considering there could be people from or having relatives in the south. Well, let's see what they have to say. On the form I had to sign it said there might be a trainee there in with the counselor... which makes me feel kinda weird. Hopefully there won't be one...
Well, staying alive. Killing time. But I have a cold. This is kinda makin me wacked out, but fortunately it's not too bad. Just stuffed up head... sniffly sneezies, cough. Ugh. Better sleep more tonight. Wish I had Nyquil to knock myself out, as is my customary solution when away from home.
9.14.05
Yeah I was right. This semester kinda blows. Haha. I lost my Korean binder somehow. I can't find it in my room . . . did I leave it in class or something? What the hell.
I did however get a job. It's at this Korean-owned Japanese restaurant across the street. There's one girl who I remember from my Korean class a couple years ago. The other waiter that was there is from my hometown. It's weird.
The three owners are the sushi chefs. They're pretty laid back... One's got this loud attitude, the other is nice uncle Bob, and the third is pretty quiet and reserved. The serving method is pretty simple. Just punch it into the computer, then wait for them to ring the bell when it's ready. Wow.
Ah yes. Both of my Korean brothers, Jae Cheol and Jae Hyun, have added me as their 1 chon on Cyworld. So far I've only corresponded briefly with Jae Cheol. No word yet from Mi Kyung. But everything's pretty cool so far. Whee. I'm glad they didn't decide to shun me and James. Although . . . if we or just I go to Korea... it might be different? Worrisome. Korean culture is a tricky animal.
My Korean class sucks. The prof didn't order enough books so me and three other people don't have the texts yet. She had to copy 10 pages for us each. She ordered more but she has no idea when they're going to come apparently. The whole class is retarded. She speaks in Korean the entire time, which isn't that bad but . . . the material is extraordinarily boring, the grammar is increasingly difficult with relatively little explanation and less applicability to everyday conversation. It's getting more academically oriented which was inevitable, but it's just . . . blah. I want to learn how to speak to people in everyday situations, not read Korean economic journals. Whatever. Plus I never really liked the people in there . . . and now there's fewer of them, but the ones I especially disliked are still in there.
My day to day struggle is keeping myself fed. There's a full kitchen upstairs, but I haven't used jack. I feel bad using other people's stuff. Should've brought more of my own. Oh well.
Anywho. Life goes on. Sigur Ros is coming next Tuesday to Ann Arbor!! The happiness of my life!!
9.9.05
I'm depressed as hell. This semester doesn't look like it's gonna be any fun. All of my classes are boring... the enmity between me and the world is growing.
9.8.05
School sucks.
Living sucks.
But Do Won sucks the most. Him and his drunk ass.
9.2.05
The days drag on, slowly but surely. I've been going out once a day to central campus and downtown for a couple hours each. I try to accomplish various things such as turning in work applications, doing financial things, getting a couple groceries here and there, that kind of thing. Oh, and feeding myself. Of course doing that for only a couple hours out of the mere 15 that I'm awake doesn't keep me occupied. So today I actually tried to wash a few dishes that were laying around the counter. It's a good will effort, to show that I won't be a completely lazy bum all the time. I feel bad because I've been down here for most of the time . . . not doing anything. So! I'll try my best to contribute in some small way if possible, even if I'm not very sociable or kind, necessarily.
Hmm. School will start on Tuesday. On Monday it's Labor Day as you know, so no buses will be running. Well, maybe the school bus, but the city buses won't be. In that case, I'll have to finally find that shortcut to the dorm bus stop on North Campus to get out of here. I'm so envious of those guys . . . they have cars. But, I suppose they really need them.
Ah, I've just been downloading Samurai Champloo episodes hour after hour . . . munching on poptarts, crackers, cheese ( which I ate all of now and am feeling slightly ill ) . . . bread. Butter. I bought rice and a couple cups of Shin Ramyun. I can always go over to the Korean market and get some more goodies if necessary. Instant side dishes!
I feel there's something else I could be doing to prep for school. Oh yeah, get text books. But then again, the profs might change the book they want to use. It's too irritating to go all the way down to the bookstore which is on the southern most end of campus and then find out it's not the book you need.
Something else is . . . missing. Maybe friends? Haha. Actually it feels like I forgot to bring something with me from home. Like a pair of pants, or shoes, or book . . . I tried to cut down on crap that I bring because this room is a lot smaller and the kitchen is already pretty well stocked with plates, pots, and other utensils. Whatever.
Well, that's all I have to offer right now. Nobody comes to this journal anymore it seems . . . it's more of a diary this way though, isn't it? Just me and my personal thoughts . . . broadcast to a world whose ear isn't listening. Heh. Well, the world has a lot of its own problems it needs to attend to, right? Especially with the hurricane. People have indeed gone mad. And it's affecting the rest of the country in a pretty bad way.
Good luck to everyone.
8.31.05
4:37 PM. Well, I'm moved into my room now. Still have a lot of unpacking to do, but the lot of everything is done. Just gotta . . . move everything around . . . once I have some energy to spare. I only slept for about 4 hours last night so I'm pretty pooped. Man. Why do I always have to live in the upstairs or downstairs of some place?
The old feeling of loneliness is creepin up on me again, but this shouldn't be any worse than last year. Both of the guys I've met so far have been pretty amiable. And they had just woken up when my mom and I got here ( around 12? ) which is good news for me because I'm sure as hell not waking up before then.
Maybe I'll give Duk Hyun a call later after my nap time.
8.31.05
1:43 AM. The subtitle of this page is way too pretentious for my present taste.
I'm pretty nervous. Today I'll be moving into my new home for the next four months of school. It was easier before when I was just going to be pretty much on my own and not have to worry about having housemates. Even though I had housemates. But actual human interaction may be required more often here.
Hmm. What to do after I settle in. That's always a big question. Starving half to death like I did last year does not sound like a pleasing option. Neither does going to central though because it'll be such a pain in the ass to get there. However, taking a trip over to Wendy's/the Korean grocery does sound good. Hmm. The potential for both good and bad times are both quite high.
But aside from the social aspect, there is of course the central reason I'm there: school. Gotta keep the GPA up. Hell it'd be nice if I could do even better than 3.6 this time around. Maybe scoring a scholarship wouldn't seem so out of reach. Oo. And a job would be nice too. All I can think about these days is money and having a fist full of it. Why? Because I just took out another $5,000 loan. So how much debt is that total . . . $11,000? Sweet lord. That's more money than I've made in the past three years combined. Obviously.
Hmm. Hmmmm. Frightened. Anxious. Oil's coming out of my pores because of it. Gross. Shouldn't have drunk so much soda a mere two hours ago . . . and these bug bites on the bottom of my feet aren't helping me feel any less antsy.
8.27.05
Life is totally tote Hose. Except that I finished work this past Wednesday and that I'm moving back to school next Wednesday. Wow! Tote Hose indeed! Trying to get in last minute fun and shopping before the big day.
8.18.05
오늘도 짜증날이네...
Why do I feel so irritated? Oh. Part of the reason is that I have to work a double shift today, even though I was only scheduled for lunch. My back is sore, I'm uber tired for some reason, and annoyed as hell. Because of that dude at work. The old dude. Still haven't put the sniper rifle away . . .
I was looking forward to a nice, leisurely, home cooked meal with the parentals tonight but looks like that's not gonna happen.
8.17.05
Summer is winding down. You can feel it. The crickets are chirping . . . the days aren't so hot anymore, and even the nights feel a little brisk. Everytime I hear construction vehicles beeping by my work, I think of all of the construction going on around the dorms at school, around the grad school. It's an all too familiar sound. Sitting outside before work with a cigarette, I could imagine myself walking from my house to the bus stop to go to central, feeling sick in my stomach because I know that a new semester is just beginning. On the other hand, school always brings the hope of change. Because life standing still is just as good as death, isn't it? I can only hope that it will only be change for the better. Maybe I'll even discover my major?
Another birthday has come and gone. I am now 20 years old. We had our usual family get-together this past Sunday. Mom and I went to Best Buy to buy a new computer. It's technically dad's, but I get to use it at school ( Note to self: No downloading anything because dad is anti-download. ) Mom was going to take me clothes shopping on Saturday, but I had to work a double shift. So, next Sunday. Aaron and Maddie gave me some money ( and very cute cards ) and Adam found a refurbished iPod Shuffle for $80. The nice thing is that it can double as a flash drive or whatever it's called so I can transfer homework and crap from my computer to school in case I don't want to carry the whole thing with me. Oh, and I can listen to music on the way. Wonder if I need a port for it . . .
This is my last week of work. My boss tried to keep me on for a few days next week so his aunt can get "readjusted" since she's been in Korea for the whole summer. I don't remember what I said, but as it is, I'm not going to be there after this Saturday. Hurrah! Maybe not hurrah, since school preparations and money issues have to get lined up in a hurry. Transfer all my money from my bank account here to Ann Arbor . . . which isn't much, but it's a couple hundred more than I had last year. I'm crossing my fingers for a regular job, but something tells me I've missed my chance. Getting work-study in your financial aid is a joke. They might as well just tell you to find a real job because you're sure as hell not going to find a work-study one.
So, what's the mood these days? Little anxious, little giddy, little annoyed, a little happy. The usual "whatever-the-hell-I-feel-like."
8.12.05
Being back at work is not cool. Not cool at all. But at least I'm making some money, one dollar at a time.
Going back to school doesn't sound quite as good as it used to since I got kicked out of intensive Japanese. Apparently those morons over-enrolled the class. Brilliant. The fortunate thing is that there was a seat left in a regular first year Japanese class. So I'm taking that. Now I only have 12 credits though. It's hard as hell to find another class that fits my schedule and it's boring. Maybe musicology? My dad thinks it's wack but... it fills a humanities requirement at least.
Ugh. Just ugh.
8.6.05
미경 언니, 재현 오빠, 재철 오빠... 어디 있는지 모르도 찾을거예요.
8.5.05
Well, we got back home late this afternoon. A 3 1/2 hour drive through nothing but countryside and small-town USA type places. Nice weather. Good traveling conditions. But yes, a long trip. It's nice to be back in a place where all of our electronics work 24 hours a day and a tv is right next to my bed. I called all three people who left voicemails. Or just two, plus Do Won. He wasn't too interested in talking it seemed though since he was still sleeping. Khris is working at a factory now. A lot of things change in a week.
Anywho. Guess that's all for now. Feeling a bit irritated at the moment.
8.4.05
Well, we're going back home tomorrow afternoon. I'm sitting here in this same coffee shop. Eating chocolate peanut butter icecream. I think we've gone here almost every day this week. Amazing. Well, people have been leaving me voicemails, but I can't call them back cuz... phone doesn't work. And even in places it does work (i.e. Traverse City) exorbitant fees would be billed to me for roaming. I got a completely random and very long voicemail from Eunice. Uh. I feel bad because she noted that it seemed to be a day that nobody was picking up. Hmm. Well, I'll call her back soon . . . Khris seems to have forgotten that I'm gone because she left me a message saying to call her back after I'm done with work. Hmm.
Well, I'll be uploading a lot of stuff when I come back. I've been working on my website remotely over at the condo since I was so bored. Just using the pictures I've been taking here and some older ones that were stored on here. Hope you enjoy. If . . . I actually upload it. I'll probably be too enthralled with sleeping in my own bed and watching my familiar TV.
What else. Nothing much. It's been a pretty good time up here, aside from this bad golfing incident on Monday. A little tooooo chill for my taste, but it's nice to relax. Gonna be tough to wake up on time to go to work on Monday, but then again, it's only two weeks. Then I'm gonna be packing up and getting ready for school. Whoopee~
8.1.05
I'm on vacation until Friday with my parents. We don't have access to internet except through Wi-Fi at ONE coffee shop in this god-forsaken town. Our cell phones don't even work because apparently we're too far away from any towers. Sweet lord. It drains the batteries to hell, not like we need them. At least I can send text messages I guess. Going back to work right now seems like a dream.
7.29.05
Time to turn irreverent. I'm going on vacation bitches. See you all in a week.
7.27.05
What a crazy five days that was. Trying to catch up on 18 years is pretty difficult, especially when trying to tell it from a neutral perspective. We spent a lot of time just sitting around and talking, but it was interspersed with a lot of driving here and there, video games, food, movies, and smoke breaks. It's hard to recount everything that went on, but to put it succinctly, I know he's my brother now and he definitely feels like family. There's a distinct resemblance in not only physical appearance but cognition and personality. And that's pretty scary, considering how different siblings can become even if they grow up together. I feel like we ought to contribute this discovery to psychologists as a file to add to adoption/twin studies.
Overall, good times were had. The apprehension that I felt lingered slightly but only because I wanted to be a half decent host. I'm really glad he came up here and I hope to visit him sometime next year before I go to Yonsei in March. Meeting James brought up maybe a few questions about our Korean family but solidified our relationship at least. While meeting our birth mom only added frustration to my life, James is a whole new brother, perspective, and maybe some relief knowing that I'm not the only one. It's weird being an older sister, not that the age really matters at all, but I hope he can derive something positive from this relationship.
I sound pretty damn sappy. This is why I try not to get too in depth with my feelings. P.S. More pictures are on my cyworld page if you haven't noticed already.
7.22.05
2:46 AM. James arrived here on the twentieth of July at about 7:50 PM. He came with his mom and two nephews. Things were mildly awkward for me at first. I got the feeling he was going for a hug but I backed off having made a non-hug deal with myself. Well, his mom hugged me anway. Hmm. The plans for the evening were somewhat scattered as mom had originally plotted to have dinner outside on the deck. But it rained. So we ate inside. James, his nephews and I sat in the kitchen by the table while the parentals sat in the living room, chit-chatting about this and that.
At first, discussion about anything except surface topics did not come up. Well, it's natural. Gotta take things kinda slow. His nephews were very energetic having spent too much time on the airplane. His mom didn't stay for too long. We had a chat out front after the rain stopped and took a few pictures. She left with the kids to go back to their hotel. The next day they set off for Michigan adventures. Not the theme park, but . . . traveling here and there around Michigan.
Anywho, my dad asked if I could get him a coffee at Starbucks. The ride over there, he started opening up pretty quickly about his life and various social frustrations. It was quite a change. Ever since then we've been talking pretty continuously. The more we get to know each other, the more and more similar we seem. Can't say we're like twins separated at birth, but the resemblance is there, and it's a little on the weird side. Not just physical resemblance, but emotional states, philosophies, and intelligence. A lot of people could say yeah . . . that's how siblings go a lot of the time. But it's so weird. Because I've never had a blood sibling around before. This rare opportunity can't be botched simply because I'm still in a state of shock.
Pictures are to come. Maybe even of our freakishly long fingers and toes.
7.17.05
Khris finally quit the restaurant. Never thought this day would come. And with so little ceremony as well. The boss caught her looking through the catalogue for her new job. Yep, she's a salesperson. Well, he came up to her and . . . said something. Don't remember. She asked if there was something she could do and he said yes. Punch out and leave. She took that as her cue to never come back. Unwise. But she's feeling happy for now.
Grandpa's in the hospital with pneumonia. Apparently he hasn't been taking care of himself and refuses to use the air conditioner despite the fact that it's blazing hot outside. To top it off, he's taking care of a little kitten, a little creature that couldn't fill the void and probably adds more stress to his life. He's probably not feeding himself well either. He shouldn't live alone anymore. Dunno what's going to happen. My parents and I will visit him in the hospital tomorrow morning.
As of now, I'm still looking forward to James coming here. Before he does though, I'm working two double shifts, Monday and Tuesday. Blah. Hopefully that won't destroy me before Wednesday though. Oh, and I'm planning on finding some easy recipe I can make. Finally, I'll be able to whip up something and prove to myself that cooking is a beast that can be tamed.
Well, that's all for now.
Journal 19
Said the tiny, insignificant speck.
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