| There are hundreds of collections of bad jokes on the web. So I made another one and stuck it on my web page. But I like to think that my one is better than all the rest, because all of these jokes extracted at least a groan out of me, and my sense of humour is the best because I am supersmart. |
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Bill worked in a pickle
factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came
home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He
had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested
that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that
he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his
own. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer? "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too." |
| Two asparagus were walking down the
street when a car hit one asparagus. He was taken to the hospital.
When the doctor came out he said to the other asparagus, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is that your friend died. The bad news is that if your friend had lived he would have remained a vegetable for the rest of his life." |
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Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart? He heard boys pants were half off. |
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How do you tell if you have passed an elephant? He didn't flush. |
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What did the ball do when it rolled to the bottom of a hill? Nothing, it just looked round. |
| A
man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work today,
I'm sick." "How sick are you ?" asks his boss. "Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister." |
| Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on
a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in
their tent for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes
awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky
and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of
stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke, "Watson, you ass! Someone has stolen our tent." |
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A man visited his doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checked him out and gave him some bad news. "There are two things wrong with you," he said. "You have cancer and Alzheimer's." "Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer." |
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When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other? There are more ducks on that side. |
| "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand
in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in". |
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What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. |
| God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." The angel says, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day." |
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How do you make a cat go `woof'? Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. |
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How do you make a dog go `miaow'? Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw... |
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How heavy are 4 elephant testicles? Very! it takes two elephants to carry them.... |
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Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. |
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A wig went into a bar and ordered a pint of lager. When the barman refused to serve him, the wig asks why. "Because you're off your head, " replies the barman. |
| A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. What's up? he says. I'm having a heart attack, cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy, Daddy - Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on! The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, says the husband, my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids. |
| Two hikers were walking through
central Pennsylvania when they came upon a six-foot wide hole in the
ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!" |
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Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk. |
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles? "Sparky" |
| A
guy takes two dead monkey's into a taxadermist and asks if the taxedermist
can stuff them. 'Sure,' said the taxedermist, 'Would you like them
mounted? 'No,' says the guy, 'Just holding hands will be fine.' |
| Why do mice have such small
balls?
Very few of them know how to dance! |
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What did one banana say to the other banana? Bananas don't speak, punk-ass. |
| Two digestive biscuits are walking
down the street. One says, "Hey, you'll need to tell me where you live!" The other one replies, "No, because then you'll come round and steal all my washing!" |
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Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines! |
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What's Mary short for? She's got no legs. |
| Louie goes to jail, and his cellmate
is a large man named T-Bone. T-Bone tells him, "We gonna play house today. Wanna be the husband or the wife?" Louie replies, "I'm gonna be the husband." T-Bone then says, "OK, Let's pretend you just came home from work. What do you say?" Louie thinks about it, and answers, "Honey, I'm home!" "That's great to hear. Now come and suck your wife's dick. |
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What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it for a drag. |
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What's frightning and stuck on the end of your arm? A terror wrist. |
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DEEP THOUGHTS If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let them go, because, man, they're gone! To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahooooo, I'd have all my money back. |
| What is black, white, and a zebra? A zebra. |
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John visited his cousin on the farm : "Why doesn't this bull have horns?" "Well there are several reasons. Some bulls are born without horns. Some bulls get their horns late in life. Other bulls are dehorned. However, the main reason this bull doesn't have horns is that he is a horse." |
| There were two retired racehorses living in a pasture. Their names were Razzle and Dazzle. Every day they would race from one end of the pasture to the other. On the first day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. The next day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. The third day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. A dog who had been watching them race day after day finally asked them, "Why is it that Razzle always wins by a nose?" And Razzle said to Dazzle, "Look, Dazzle, a talking dog!" |
| Two men were walking through the desert. They were nearly out of water when they saw three tents in the distance. The hurried over to see if they could get some water. In the first tent they were told, "I'm sorry we only have trifle." In the second tent, again, "I'm sorry we only have trifle." They went into the third tent and again asked for water only to be told, "I'm sorry we only sell trifle." As they walked on, one turned to the other and said, "That was a trifle bazaar." |
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Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?" |
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Clumsy. |
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What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same. |
| Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and his reply was: "Only have one woman, one woman, one feather." Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women; two women ... two feathers." Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep withem all." With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high,run too fast." |
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Alright, from here on in it gets a little bit sad... all
I can say is you were warned. You may want to re-evaluate your reasons for
reading this page. |
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Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli? He got sucked down by a strong currant. |
| To err is human; to moo bovine. |
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What did the left eye say to the right eye? Just between you and me, something smells down there. |
| A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left. |
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What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with? A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon. |
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What do you say to an alien with two heads? Hello. Hello. |
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A sibyl, a haruspex, and a rhabdomantist walked into a bar. The sibyl said, "There's going to be this big flood, and it's going to be terrible." And the haruspex was looking at this dead animal, and he said, "Yeah, it's going to rain hard and wipe everything out, and it's going to do all kinds of damage." And the rhabdomantist said, "That's terrible! Why...I'd be out of a job!" |
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Two sodium atoms talking together. First atom: "Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons." Second atom: "Are you sure?" First atom: "I'm positive!!" |
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What's green and hangs from a tree? A leaf. |
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What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him? I didn't do it on porpoise. |
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Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, grey and hairy ? Coz if they were small, round, smooth, white and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets. |
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What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underwear? Your Mum. |
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What's got 4 legs and an arm? A Rottweiler |
| Two buckets of sick were walking through Camden, then one starts crying. The other asks why he's crying, and he replies "This is where I was brought up". |
| Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued by halitosis. |
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What do you call a 3 legged donkey? Wonkey |
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. |
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Did you hear Willie Nelson got run over? He was playing on the road again. |
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How are an elephant and a plum the same? They're both purple, except for the elephant. |
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OLD PROVERB: PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T. |
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Why did Ebenezer Scrooge go to New York City? To see the Grumpire State Building. |
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First Cow: Hey, don't you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease? Second Cow: Nah, I'm a penguin. |
| A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." |
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What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog. |