Claire came bursting back into my study in a fury. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were flashing green lightning bolts across the room. She swept some books off my shelf and dropped down into the chair opposite me. Claire blinked back the tears and glared at me. At least she had begun to take an interest in me.

'Stop interfering in my life!' Claire shouted at me across the desk. 'You stole all the words, you threw the French words in my window and sent me off chasing a phantom, you ruined my music career and didn't even let me have Gerald. Why?'

'Because I'm in love with you. I've loved you since I first saw you.' This is perhaps the only time I have ever told her the truth. I think she does deserve it by now. I think that I deserve it by now.

'I thought you were in love with the Girl.' Claire says. But she never really believed that, surely? I guess that for a time it did look like that. What else was I supposed to do?

'I know you did.' But couldn't you see behind that my darling?

'How come she gets to be capitalised anyway? Why don't I deserve that?'

'Sleight of hand, I'm afraid. A minor misdirection. It's always been you, really.' Why did I never capitalise Claire in that way? She does deserve it, far more than anybody else in this novel. She deserves the best.

'You've never even seen me as who I really am, you fool. I'm just words on a page. Look at me out here.' She has a point. Claire is not nearly so attractive when she is sitting opposite me as when she is inside the novel. I guess she was just never fully fleshed out. Pity. Mustn't let her see this though. I think it would probably hurt her.

'I know. I had to steal the words so that I could have at least something of you to hold. It gets lonely out here you know. In there you have people to talk with, places to go. Out here I've just got a bare piece of paper to talk to.'

'The French words - you knew that I'd have to investigate them and they'd eventually lead to you. They had to lead to you because that's the way you set it up.'

'Yes.'

'You even gave Peter Bowman his Girl. Why couldn't I have Gerald? I never even got to kiss him!'

'I know. I'm sorry.'

Peter Bowman had his life to live freely - why can't I have mine?

Because I love you.

Peter Bowman has learnt more than you in this novel, you know. At least he's free now. I can take more credit than you for that.

Perhaps. But I still love you. I will always love you.

But why?

Why do I love Claire? Love is of course a socially transmitted disease that has been eradicated in the more civilised parts of the galaxy through the use of a revolutionary chewing gum. Indeed, it seems that the eradicating of love is the only thing that can cause a socie

Shut up.

What?

Shut up. I don't want to hear you going on and on with your stupid theories anymore. They don't mean anything, you're just trying to distract me.

Yes. You do have to marry me now you know. You can't really choose not to anymore. Do not look so concerned. You were made for me. We will be very happy together.

You're just talking to yourself.

I know. I know.

The End