When I moved to Brooklyn, I became the proverbial kid in the candy store, only without all the sugar that leads to tooth decay, obesity and raging diabetic comas. I was now within reach of the underground movie lover's mecca: Kim's. I've mentioned Kim's before (it's in a review somewhere, go look for it) so I won't go into my standard diatribe here, but will instead move on to how, sad to say, Kim's has already become obsolete, only two years into my becoming a bird flipping, t-shit with obscenities wearing, pizza eating, subway riding New Yawker. As if the internet wasn't already providing me with cheaper alternatives to the little semi-snobbish den of digital iniquity known as Kim's, I recently hit up the nearby Virgin Megastore. Believe me, no one else is more ashamed of this than myself, but I was feeling lazy, Kim's was a good 12 blocks away and I had worked late, so I was already in a foul mood. not only did I discover that this once reviled commercial whore factory was selling off mainstream goodies like An American Werewolf In London and Creepshow for $8 a piece, but they at some point acquired a vast array of international DVDs, an elaborate collection of horror and sci-fi movies, and a heaping steaming load of used and budget DVDs for the lovers of less than fine features like myself and (I'm sure) yourself as well.

After glomming through the merchandise for what must've been a good hour or two, I found myself torn between the armful of awful I had amassed before me. After weeding out the stuff that was all spur-of-the-moment and the little quirky things I could wait on, I still walked out with a pile of movies at a little under $100. It's not just a Virgin thing either though. Other franchise media stores like Coconuts, FYE, Saturday Matinee, Best Buy and Sam Goody (to name a few) help contribute to the slow death of single ownership underground sales outlets, as do the distribution companies like Brentwood who both put out cheap-o $.99 DVDs and pack bad cinema into convenient 3, 4, 6, 9 and 13 movie packs for prices that make my wallet weap in relief. Sure, quantity doesn't always beat out quality, but through my budget heavy hands, 7 times out of 10 it does just that.

Hell, even the customer service quality seems to be improving at chain stores in comparison to the mom & pop shops of the world! For anyone who's ever been to Kim's either for renting or purchasing, you know that the cashiers there are always snobbish movie geek assholes, who think that they're better than you solely because they work at Kim's and you don't, never taking into consideration the fact that they sure as shit don't look, dressed or smell any better than 90% of the people who go in there. Sure, I can see them being jaded by the equally snotty NYU students and general Hipster trash that frequent the store with their incesant complaining and trust fund fueled demands that the laws of physics bend for them like a cheap drunk slut they picked up in the village on Thursday night, but you still look like you just crawled out of your mom's basement and it still doesn't mean you need to give me a snarky answer because I can't tell which obnoxious little sub-genre you assholes decided to stock Bad Taste under.

That's another thing that makes the big names look so damn appealing now too: simple categories for their inventory. If I want a horror movie, I'll look under "Horror". If I want an especially cheap DVD for my evening, I'll look in the "Under $10" section. I don't want to have to nitpick my way into a specific genre, looking through everything by director specific, decade specific, sub-genre specific areas! What if I know the name of the movie I want to get, but don't know the director or the decade or the sub-genre? Then I have to ask you, you get pissy because you hate that the customer service industry keeps your lights on, then you give me a smart-ass remark that I'd expect from Napoleon Dynamite, followed by a speech impediment spray, a high pitched whine and a dangerous flailing of arms. Meanwhile, what do I get at Virgin? A cute chick who appreciates the fact that I'm buying crazy ass movies she's never heard, recommends me a few oddball oddities of her own delights, then accepts my invention to check out my website and becomes an ongoing fan!

Don't tell me that I was suckered into the greedy palms of the corporate Satan. I was happy with the Kims of the world before they decided I was beneath their notice and dropped me off at Virgin's doorstep in a wicker basket with a note attached saying, "Expects good customer service and fair prices. I'm an unworthy mother and don't deserve him. Here, you take him".

Now I know how those dogs that get driven out into the country and left along the side of the road to die feel. Fuck it, I'm gonna go find a bat cave to stick my head in and start givin' everybody rabies...

The Meaning of Why David Copperfield's Cool Again (and Just How Stupid Muggers Are)
posted 05/03/06: Last week, some guy tried to stick up David Copperfield. The guy(s) didn't get the 'Field's wallet though, cuz the crazy motherfucker made it disappear... wow.

Now, I don't know if this speaks of what kind of guy Copperfield is because he's ballsy enough to pull his hocus-pocus on someone threatening to kick the ever-lovin' shit out of him, or of how stupid the guy robbing him was. If I see David Copperfield and I'm trying to make him give up his wallet, the minute he says he doesn't have one or that I have to find it, I'm knocking him on his funny emo hairdo and kicking him in the ribs repeatedly so I'm at least getting something interesting to tell my grandkids.

Either way, I'm still waiting for my "Copperfield Vs. Blaine" pay-per-view. We could get that guy in the mask who hosted those Fox specials about the secrets of "magic" to do color commentary and explain all the tricks to us! Or, we could just stuff their pants with ham and put 'em both in a cage with Sigfried and Roy's tigers. That'd probably sell more tickets anyway.

The Meaning of Giving Credit Where Credit Is Do (and Slither)
posted 03/29/06: Slither. Will I see it? Probably. Will I go to a theater and wrench $10 from the vice-like grip of my wallet to do so? Unlikely. Will I buy a $5 bootleg of it from the little Korean woman who lurks at my local Dunkin’ Donuts on the weekends selling them out of a black plastic bag because I don’t feel my opinion of the movie will change whether or not I see it from a better perspective than that of some movie-goer’s coat pocket? I’d bet my house on it… if I had a house, instead of the dinky studio apartment I currently squat in.

Either realizing that Hollywood’s just continuing to piss off the horror geeks with nothing but “re-visionings” of ‘70s and ‘80s horror flicks (obviously not the case, thanks to such “coming soon” junk punches like the Friday the 13th and Evil Dead remakes…) or just plain realizing that there are some movies so displaced from the limelight of the mainstream that re-using the title in the remake won’t equal anymore bank than just creating a new, less interesting moniker, James Gunn (the guy responsible for the Dawn of the Dead remake) whips out his love of cheesy horror of days-gone-bye like some kind of oozing, sore encrusted phallus yet again. Not content to just play with his aching puss gun by himself, he’s shooting his infected armada of tiny diseased sailors all over our faces, in our eyes, up our noses and across our chapped, broken, crack whorish lips with his latest remake project, Slither.

Exactly 20 years ago, Fred Dekker brought forth one of the greatest b-horror epics of our all time: Night of the Creeps (available for sale in The H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Vault, conveniently enough…). Featuring a cast of loveable losers (all baring names of famed b-horror alumni) and the unquestionable cool of Tom Atkins, it was the tale of a small college town that became the target of alien slug parasites that would burrow their way into the brains of the locals and turn them into murderous zombies whose sole purpose was to incubate more parasite eggs and then pass the next generation of brain leeches on to new hosts. Lather, rinse, repeat. Though the beasties could be disposed of by normal means (though I don’t think the idea of fatal saltings were ever looked into…), it was of course more fun to set the slimy little fucks on fire. It’s a crime this movie has yet to garner an official DVD release (Anchor Bay, what the fuck are you waiting for!?), but thanks to the tireless efforts of bootleggers like The H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. (and occasional late night viewings on the Sci-Fi Channel), the movie lives on.

Either way, it looks like Gunn has set his aim (get it, “Gunn”, “aim”?!) on remaking this movie and I just wanted to educate any of the people out there reading this who saw the trailers and the borderline abusive internet advertising being done to promote Slither. Though Dawn of the Dead did more than enough box office and managed to garner a healthy dose of critical acclaim, it’s still a remake of the original. Though I enjoyed Tromeo and Juliet, it’s still a remake of the original… well, I guess it kinda is… And the Scooby-Doo movies? No further comment required. Can James Gunn do anything original with himself, or just attach his waffle iron to other peoples’ phones? Sure, Slither’s got Michael Rooker in it, granted (that’s a joke you probably won’t get till you see the movie), but then again, so did Cliffhanger and we all know how that turned out…

Look for most (if not all) of this brief editorial to be reprinted in my actual review for the movie Slither whenever that might be.

Oh yeah, and we’re currently working on yet another section for the reviews portion of the site that will be revealed in the coming weeks. We don’t really want to get into it just yet because, like a barely pubescent boy with his grandmother’s corpse in his closet, we’re still feeling everything out and experimenting to see how everything works. We want to make sure Tab ‘A’ fits into Slot ‘B’ (“Your mom’s a slot”) before trying it out on a real girl later down the line… when we figure out how to make roofies with our “Lil’ Mad Scientist Home Chemistry Kit”. Of course, once we get into such a relationship and eventually open ourselves up to this girl in the most intimate moment of love and trust ever to enter our lifeline, we’ll expose our disturbing (yet strangely sweet and innocent) secret and this girl, who thought she’d finally found the one man who wasn’t going to use and abuse her, will reel in abject horror at the living nightmare she’s fallen into. With a potent mix of heartbreak, confusion and rage brought on by getting the complete and opposite reaction we’d been expecting, we’ll grab the heartless killer of our romance and gag her with the condom used just moments before to consecrate our eternal oneness. The rest of the honeymoon will consist of our digging bloody trenches into her perfect flesh with a wire hanger and chemically blinding her with bleach. We won’t maul her tasty bits though, because it’s not their fault her black heart and twisted mind played with us so fiendishly for the four hours we’d known her! Besides, as we learned with grandma’s deteriorating husk in that unlit closet so many years ago, “any port in a storm”... oh, and that arthritis cream makes for a terrible choice of lubricant….

What?

The Meaning of Trimming the Fat (and Creating a Cinemasochist Hostel)
posted 03/15/06: So here we are again. Two months away from the Tomb's 7th Anniversary and little or nothing to show for it. After all the revisions and makeovers and chemical peals (hydrochloric acid of course) that this place has gone through, all the paint jobs and remodeling and the eternal question of blinds, curtains or bare-assed exposure to the passing world, I don't know what the fuck is going on with this place anymore. I realized that there's just too much responsibility and shit to go through in my everyday vermin marathon to handle a site like I was trying to support before. Movie reviews are hard enough to try and make entertaining and update regularly without trying to do videogames, animation and comic books to fucking boot. Besides, too much more of that shit and whatever woman's in your life at the time will stab you in the neck for neglecting her and the last thing the God o' Demise needs is one of his own... cuz then NO reviews'll get fucking done! And so, I've gone back to basics, lost all the greasy fat of the other medias and will try to stay lean and trim with all movies all the time. Will the updates proceed as planned? Will I stick by the "movie reviews only" policy currently hanging over the door next to the singing rubber lobster, or will I default into that whole "multimedia" fad that I was trudging through? Who the fuck knows. My history's been all about having good ideas and having them drown under the weight of my own lazy ass, so let's hope that the fact I'm now responsible for being the unholy messenger of several other people's opinions plays heavy enough on my conscience that I don't take another nine month vacation...

Speaking of those several other opinionated people, at this time I'd like to officially welcome (for at least the second or third time) the hungry criticizing jaws of Nix Eclipse, who has made the commute from his blog to sign up exclusively with the Tomb for an undisclosed amount that will not be leaked to the press at this time... Also coming to the Tomb's cold stone halls are two whoop ass acquisitions from the long defunct (not to be confused with "de-funked", of which they shall never be!) Brotherhood of Bad Movies, Brothers Ragnarok and Fistula whose work didn't deserve to languish in the void due to a lack of technical support. Hey, I've got the space and I'll bust some ass if it means more regular material to keep the blood pumping through these digital avenues. We're always accepting resumes too, so if anyone out there wants to take a stab at writing reviews (or just wants to showcase their shit to a few hundred people a day) ship your shit on over to me and we'll hammer something out... preferably not your brain out the back of your skull, which we can prevent so long as you don't send me a single paragraph review of monosyllabic words listing the ways that Alyssa Milano's got big tits and there needs to be a Scream 4: Chode Stabber. Hey, you get paid in bootleg movies, so what's to lose?

The Meaning of Evolution (and a Multi-Platform Website)
posted 7/6/03: A great man once said something about evolving into giant cockroaches so that we could survive our own self-induced nuclear holocaust. He broke his back (figuratively) attempting to achieve that dream, working his fingers to the bone (figuratively again) as he tampered with the genetic structures of hundreds of kidnapped hobo test subjects for nearly 50 years. He died of nasal cancer due to exposure to radioactive isotopes he had attempted to consume like a hummingbird after watching a marathon of She's The Sheriff and licking out a half-gallon jar of Vick's Vap-o-Rub™. That man's name was Richard Nixon.

But, that's just silly and has nothing to do with the Tomb of Anubis. For months I've been getting e-mails from my regs and even some newbies that have been asking what the fuckin' deal is with the Tomb's lack of updates and constant empty promises to do so. Well, truth be told, I actually became disinterested in movies. For the last 4+ years, watching, collecting and reviewing movies has been my focus. Don't get me wrong, I don't not like movies now. Not in the least. In fact, I still watch at least 4 of them a week. The problem though, is that I have other hobbies that need attention too, especially my TV, videogames and comicbooks. For instance, the entire month of April was spent buying and playing games day in and day out. Sad right? Well, pitiful as it may sound and as horribly warped my eyes' sensitivity to natural light may have become as a result, this meant my website, that I'd put so much damned work into for the last 4 years, was going untouched. Like a Vestal Virgin in a whore house not gettin' any action because all the customers are busy yankin' cranks in the casino down the street.

Well, no matter what my attention is focused on, I've decided that this page, my greatest creation (I think I just heard the bell ring at the top of the "Test Your Social Inneptness" game), will not go so abused and neglected again. How's that work? Simple: integrate all the loves of my (after)life into one page. No longer will movies be the only item of ridicule and hero worship, but now so shall games, television, animation, comicbooks and whatever else I so deem worthy of advancing my premature arthritis over. Updates will no longer be random, but will happen every Sunday night. I can't promise whether the updates will focus on a different medium each week or if it'll come out as more of a half-assed amalgam of new shit. I'm betting my autographed Bruce Willis thong that it'll be more or less the former of the two. Whatever the outcome, the updates will still be posted on the front page, as well as on the homepages of each of the various sections. With that, I think it's time you went out and saught some of this new material, using the new menu format found at the top and bottom of each page. Statistics (taken amidst my 105 alternate personalities) show that this is the easiest directorial format to date! I'd say all this should count as a good way to celebrate the Tomb's fourth anniversary...

Granted, not everything's gonna work the way I planned it. That's the fun/problem with new things, they're never quite perfect. Some of these things might just be little shit I'll get to in the coming weeks, others might be fuck ups I've completely overlooked, so feel free to e-mail me and I'll set ya straight.

The Meaning of Christmas
posted 12/4/02: Well, it's the holidaze again blobs and gargoyles, time to kick the greed factor into 'High', cash in your last ounce of sanity to buy that perfect last minute gift for someone you care so little about you forgot about them up until X-Mas eve, and bring peace and good will to your fellow brothers and sisters... meaning that when you dismember them alive, be sure to put out a tarp, so as not to stain their stupid white carpets.

Seeing as how it's a time for giving (of involuntary enemas and radical spleen surgery) and good will and all that bullshit, I've decided to impart upon you few and lucky who will see this the gift that keeps on giving: knowledge... that you can use to dumbfound others and maybe even ruin their Christmas cheer, heh heh. So, open wide so that I may bestow upon you this magnificent gift you are about to receive: The Truth Behind Christmas.

What I am about to tell you is NOT prefabricated, nor is it editorialized, nor have the base statements been tampered with in any way by yours truly. Granted, it's being bestowed from a source who is very biased on the topic (i.e. me, you 'tard), but the message being delivered is how I heard it from my Advanced Philosophies professor, a stoic Catholic. Ready for the bombshell? Christmas is a crock.

That's right, the Christian created holiday in celebration of the birth of a hippy cult leader born in a barn, bares little-to-no truth to what "the church" and it's zombie spawn have been inseminating your frontal lobe with. According to people who have made it their life to study the scriptures down to the word and cut through all the crap that people have decided to perverse into their own interpretations, Jesus wasn't born on the 25th of December, nor was he born at any time in the month of December, or even in the latter half of the calender year! Yes, according to Biblical scholars, Jesus was actually born in the summertime, likely in August. This is evident by the animals mentioned in the Bible as being at the "savior"s stall during his annexation from Mary's pearly gates. I don't know the specifics, and there are other factors that contribute to this statement, but I knew that according to scientific studies of migratory patterns and blah blah blah, if Christ's birth was legit for some crazy cosmic fluke, he was born in the summer months. So, if that's the case, then why is Christmas in December? Here's where the typical Christian propaganda comes in...

First of all, Christianity has been ripe with hypocrisy since it's creation. Their "sacred" texts are constantly being reworded, reinterpreted and rebastardized to not only evolve with the modern world, but to benefit those who practice the faith. Originally it was said that Christians were to always turn the other cheeks and not resort to fighting violence with violence, because only through peace and charity would they be allowed into the realm of Heaven... up until they realized that doing so made them the biggest bullseye in the world for all manor of full scale wedgies and pink bellies and just flat out merciless ass-whoopin's, so they decided to tamper around with their "god"s rules so they could not only fight back, but start their own shit if it benefited their needs. Can you say "the Crusades"? If not, then e-mail me and I'll try to redirect you to a website that can pronounce it out for you...

Secondly, in addition to their willingness to tweak their beliefs system, the Christians also hate losing potential purse money to other religions, which gave birth to their biggest money maker: Christmas. Ticked off that the Pagans got to have such a great time with their winter celebration of Yule (yes, as in "the yule tide season"), and pissed that they were losing potential Bible zombies because their religion was all about following crappy rules and making your life a living suckhole for as long as you were stuck on this Earthly plane of existence, the church decided to make their own winter festival to win over the undecided and maybe even sucker over, pardon me, "convert", some Pagans. Now, what kind of event could they use as a focal point for this new, hip, trendy thing called Christmas? Well, the birth of their biggest prophet could be good, but he was born in August... but who's keeping score, right?!

Somehow Santa Claus was integrated into the whole mess, picked up from German folklore to beef up the already all consuming holiday wasteland and give something for the "devoted" Christians (i.e. the stick-up-the-asses who don't want to ruin the celebration of Christ's birth [which was actually back in August remember] with commercialism) to piss on with with their typical supremacist attitudes... okay, I'm definitely starting to let my biases show, so I'll wind this down. The point is, though I'm an Egyptian God o' Death and Embalming and my Evil Dead bride is a part time Pagan Goddess, it's okay for us to decorate a tree, test our last strand of patience on sometimes-blinking-sometimes-not-blinking colored lights and celebrate our greed and charity by exchanging gifts, even though neither of us will ever sacrifice our integrity to say we're "Christian". Shit, I say change the name of the holiday to "Greedmas", forget the religious crap, spend time with your friends and family, forget your stupid little personal problems, put the world's torments behind you, contribute to rampant consumerism and let everybody enjoy themselves. Christians, Atheists, Jews, Islamic, Buddhists, Taoists, Pagans, Satanists, The Fang Of Set, The Manson Family, anybody and everybody just stop being dicks, don't worry about celebrating one day or eight, and just let the 31 days of December serve as time to kickback and enjoy whatcha got, you silly fucks!

So, this means that the next time you hear somebody gripe about how "Christmas has gotten sooooo commercial", I suggest you tie them to a chair, smack them upside the head a few times with "boughs of holly" to get their attention and tell them the true story of Christmas: IT WAS CREATED AS ONE BIG SELF-GLORIFYING COMMERCIAL! Then give 'em a kiss Bugs Bunny style and take 'em out for a stop at the Chinese buffet and maybe a few pints before making snowmen and snow-women in lewd positions in the park.

The Meaning of Doing More Than You Get Out Of It posted 10/14/01: I was glad to find myself posting my "Year Of The Vampire" review for the month a full day ahead of schedule! I was really depressed, however, to make that movie Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen. I didn't plan this "International Incident II: Culture Clash" deal to go beyond September, but with my hectic schedule and the absence of a computer I can access on a regular basis, it was extended to October as well, so I was forced to pull up a Hong Kong vampire flick. Since I pulled Mr. Vampire last year, I thought I'd go with something a little more creative or obvious than Mr. Vampire II... boy am I paying for it. As for the real point of this editorial, once again I question my motives for running this under-the-radar website that a mere 200 or so people a month actually take the time to look at... and yes, I know, probably a good 25 or 30 of those are people who were looking for animal porn and got redirected here by mistake.

Anyway, this querry came up when I got into a recent exchange with a certain poseur bitch of a webmaster that I won't name (though I'm sure you can find mention of him and his site elsewhere on this page), over his site. Originally I was bitching because the reviews just went straight down the crapper, but my newest gripe is how the site has become a blatant billboard. Though he claims to be a "true fan of the genre" and all that pseudo-artistic bullshit, he reviews nothing but mainstream and the crap off the new release wall at Blockbuster... a store well suited for a boy like himself. Anyway, he was also preaching some crap about "brotherhood" or "community" between online horror sites, though he's previously refused link exchanges with me on account of the fact his site wouldn't be getting the kind of hit returns he expects from a linking site... "Community" my hairy black ass! Also, when I chastised him about the blatant whoring of this site (one half of his review pages are now covered with ads for Poster.com and his frontpage is overlapped by those pain-in-the-fuck promos for the worst possible movies, like Fear.com, Ghost Ship and the latest steaming pile of Fox programming, "Firefly"), not only did he make no attempts to defend his site, but instead said, "Hey, I gotta pay the bills somehow."... that's why people get real jobs you tool. So, as you can see, the puttz goes from "love of the genre" and "horror community" to "unabashed sell-out and prous of it" within the matter of 2 e-mails... the power of the Canadian dollar I guess... So, the whole point of all this? I maintain my website to entertain. Even if only 200 people see it a month, at least I know 198 of those people will be entertained. I know that of those, all 200 will be glad that their enjoyment of the site isn't ruined by gratuitous advertisements and half-page promotions with links to sites they wouldn't waste 3 seconds on, let alone the 5 minutes to load the fucking things. Besides, even if those 200 dickheads AREN'T entertained, at least it keeps me from going out and making beef hash from the local ignorant populace... the majority of which probably go to the afformentioned internet billboard/shit site anyway. In short, fuck the poseurs and welcome to my haven for real horror fans!... and the occasional misdirected pervert.

posted 8/30/01: Wow, so much for making this a regular thing again. It's now been 28 says since my last entry... like that Sandra Bullcock movie... I love Steve Buscemi, but the man's done so many stupid, pointless movies I have to wonder why... Anyway, spending the holiday weekend with mine Evil Dead bride Krissy and just thought I'd jump on while she's still snoring up a storm. I won't wake her, I banged her like a screen door most of last night, so she needs time to recooperate. As far as other topics, September was originally intended to be my second annual "International Incident Month", in which I review 13 or so forgein horror and sci-fi movies. I think it's a good thing to look at the "culture" that other countries can subject us to. This year I intend to do the same, only my schedule has been Hell for this year of 2002 (don't believe me? I've only choked out a frightenly modest 41 review so far this year and it's already September!). The answer? Instead of shortening the review list or quitting my job (though at this point I'm likely to get fired either way), I'm simply extending "International Incident Month II: Culture Clash" into a two month event, extending through September AND October. This will cause a change in the "Year Of The Vampire" line-up though, as October's feature will no longer be The Fearless Vampire Killers, but a Hong Kong flick about ninja bloodsuckers called... well, you'll find out in October. Though I know I've likely driven away half my regular viewing audience with the recent failure of "The Summer Of Themes 2002", I'm going to continue on these next two months with more themed programming. After this though, don't worry, as there will be no more themes for the rest of the year, aside from the monthly "Year Of The Vampire" reviews. What will I be reiewing? Well, I've been itching to review Stuart Gordon's latest fish story Dagon all summer, so look for that. Also, I'd like to get in some more re-reviews before the year is out. In 2003 I'm already telling you to keep your asses glued to your swivle chairs and lock the door to your little hole in the wall, because I'm going to be beefing up the reviews. Currently you can vote on exactly what type of material you'd like to see at the Hall Of Judgement front page in a poll that will remain open until sometime in November. As for me, it looks like my lovely has started to stir, so I'd better get Lil' Anub prepped and ready for his next bout, heh heh. Keep on truckin' motherfuckers and y'all come back now, ya hear!?

posted 8/2/01: Been a long time since I last expressed a free opinion in this format, and this one's a keeper. The topic in question? In an effort to make another pile of dirty dirty money, Burger King has come up with "The Black Stack", a specialty sandwich exploiting Will Smith's own self-exploitation in Men In Black II... marketing executives are just... I don't know. They're out of their minds. Do you think any minutely self respecting heterosexual man is willing to drive up to a BK box and say "yeah, I want a Black Stack with extra beef"?! There are few products in the world that have such a thinly veiled innuendo for a title as this. Were I a head at Universal Studios, I'd be suing the shit out of the Burger King franchise for associating one of our expensive, disposable reels of special FX and "hip" crap with a burger that sounds like a big black pile of gay meat trading. "The Black Stack"?! I'll be pondering over this media nightmare for the rest of this washed up bockbuster summer... I got plenty more to editorialize kids, so keep in touch with this section the next few days.

posted 5/27/01: Memorial Day, and I just discovered one more reason George Lucas owes me $5... Attack Of The Clones? Try, "Attack Of The Boredom Inducing, Badly Acted, 97% CGI, 135 Minutes Of My Life I Can Never Get Back". Trust me, when it's Georgie's time to go, it's gonna huuuuuuuuuuurt sooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuch!

posted 5/21/01: I know I said no more long diatribes in concern to my editorializing, but the answer to all your complaints is, "shaddup". I'd like to take a moment to talk about my site and my involvment in it. In this hectic world where there is so much misery and suffering, where violence and bigotry hold us all in a grip of paranoia and fear, I've been hacking away at my little hole in the internet for nearly 3 years now, coming up to year #4 here next month. I don't know why I do it, as it's obviously not for money, since you'll notice there isn't a single link that will make me "pennies per click", nor do I have my own website mall, complete with all the coffee mugs and mousepads you'll never want, adorned with my unholy visage, of which you'll never want to lay eyes upon. No, this site is the one thing in my life that isn't motivated by personal material gain. If not dinero, then why? Well, I guess I do it to expose as many of my fellow web surfing zombie cretins to my thoughts, opinions, and sad excuses for creativity. Unfortunately, I haven't exactly acquired the cult following I've been seeking. Could it be because I'm hosted by a free site and therefore don't have something catchy for people to tune in to, like TombofAnubis.com? Well, that could be part of it. Is it because my reviews are stale, long winded and all around not-funny? That would explain a lot. Whatever the reason, this begs the question, "if no one looks at it, does the website exist?". Of course it exists you philosophical crackheads, otherwise I wouldn't be typing these stupid words! Friggin' beatniks and their head games. I guess the real reason I continue on with my site isn't because I long for viewership, or because I actually believe I'll have a success on my hands at some point, but simply because that's Mother Nature's way. Much like the shark, my site must continue to move, because if we stop, we die. With that in mind, I have no idea why I've been talking about this crap, but in the upcoming months The Tomb Of Anubis pulls out all the stops in true "boy this sucks" fashion, when we bring you 2002: The Summer Of Themes! Every week (or so), I will be presenting double/triple feature reviews for rotating themes between the second week of June and the final week of August. Every once in a while I'll be waving my ass at you ungrateful bastards and taking some time off, but the important idea here is that there are going to be 8 terrible themes to the summer's reviews, all wrapped up when September comes around and the Fall brings us International Incident II: Electric Bugaloo In Technicolor! Yes, a month of movies from the other corners of the planet. Anyway, just wanted to touch base with all the naysayers and communists out there who didn't think I'd hold enough interest in the site to make it all the way to 500 reviews and beyond! I'm gonna go lay down. Kids, when your father tells you that, when taking medications whose labels reads "take with food", brownie batter and malt liquor are not "food".

posted 5/8/01: Today's discovery: ear wax is black light reactive. Don't believe me? Try it out and see for yourself you mistrusting bastards...

posted 4/23/01: As just unveiled to me last night on the B-Movie Message Board over at Badmovieplanet.com, Full Moon is rereleasing a number of their DVDs for the new low low price of... $9.98! Yes, that's right kids, for under $10 you can now amass your own library of B-movie classics like Trancers, Castle Freak, Head Of The Family, Creeps, Blood Dolls, Tourist Trap, The Dead Hate The Living, Sideshow and Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm! All of which I will be picking up... for less than $100! Chuck Band will also be bringing us DVD releases of Demi Moore's first film Parasite, Laserblast, Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, a whole lot of their cheesy softcore library and numerous other cheesy b-flicks. Now, if only I could get Eliminators...

posted 4/22/01: The summer blockbuster season seems to engulf us earlier and earlier each year. This year's opener of the 2002 cinematic wasteland was The Scorpion King, starring of course the WWF's Duane Johnson (A.K.A. The Rock, A.K.A. Rocky Maivia... back when his head looked like a smiling onion). This is a spin-off of Stephen Sommers's recent "re-visionings" of The Mummy, in case you've been lucky enough to lock yourself away from popular culture for the past 6 months or so. So far, all reviews have been lukewarm-to-ice cold, many making the same bland reference that it's a Conan clone... no originality in the world anymore, either by the filmmakers or even the reviewers... The opening weekend was reportedly the biggest box office gross for an April release, pulling in over $36 million between Friday and Sunday evening. Will I see it? If I'm really bored and check out a matinee. Speaking of the WWF, Hulk Hogan has become the newest WWF Undisputed Champion after his win over Hunter Hearst Helmsley (in case all you newbie wrestling fans were wondering what "Triple H" stood for) last night at the Backlash PPV. Am I the only one who can't watch a Hogan match without either groaning or laughing hysterically until LONG after the whole dibacle is over? Don't get me wrong, I'm just as giggly inside seeing my old idol back in a WWF ring in all of his tanned, wrinkled and bald glory, but he just doesn't move like he used to. On another WWF note, I'd like to note that last night on MTV's WWF program "Sunday Night Heat", wrestler Raven introduced a commercial break, saying, "Heat is brought to you by Jason 10 from New Line Cinemas". For the past month I've heard announcer after announcer call it "Jason X" like they should, but Raven, RAVEN of all people, has to fuck it all up and call it "Jason 10"... moron. On a final hilarious note from last night's Heat, the only match of the whole damn show (with respects to RVD) featured The Big Show (who, incidentally is NOT the son of Andre THe Giant for those of you who fell for WCW's bullshit many years ago) finishing off his opponents Justin Credible and Steven Richards with a double chokeslam, followed by a double pin. While pinning, good ol' announcer Jim Ross should've called "and a double pin by the big man", but instead said "and a double penetration by the big man"... no commentary from me necessary on that one!

posted 4/20/01: Still working on bringing the H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Armada to the light of day and updating Anubis Is War. I just finished reading a few of Arrow In The Head's latest reviews and have officially sworn off that poseur little bitch until he starts getting some original material. Every review is the same and the number of horrible teeny-bopper words and phrases such as "as if", "whatever", "yo" (as in reference to someone) and "Heavy" (as in reference to villains) has driven me beyond insanity to the point of annoyance. When it first started it was worth a couple looks a week, but now I can't stand it and will no longer give it anymore of my time. Even the mistresses are bland. If I want chicks, I'll take REAL porn, not this wanna-be Abercrombie and Fitch bullshit.

posted 3/27/01: I proclaim that this link is the funniest fucking thing I've seen in at least a week! Check it out heathen!

posted 3/24/01: I'm going to cry. I just returned home with the Evil Dead Limited Edition "Book Of The Dead" DVD... I still haven't gotten over it yet. Probably 30 of the best George Washingtons I've ever slapped a Jamaican man in the face with. Next on the list? The Millenium Edition DVDs of Re-Animator and Night Of The Living Dead, available next month! Yeah, I've already got the original Elite DVD edition for Re-Animator (thanx again as always Krissy, my undead love machine), but I need as much of that fucking movie as I can get! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

posted 3/23/01: I just returned from a matinee double feature of Resident Evil and Blade II. Without going into any real detail, I'll just say I give RE a 2.5, maybe a 3 and Blade II a 4, maybe a 4.5. On the plus side the unavoidable Resident Evil sequel shows promise, especially with a likely appearance by RE3's leather clad super zombie Nemesis! I'm also working on creating a little online cult with a few other movie review sites. More info when I feel it neccessary to reveal...

posted 3/18/01: I heard disturbing news today on the horror front. First of all, since St. Pat's Day was yesterday, I find it appropriate to deliver some real horror: there might be a 6th Leprechaun flick... Yes, the series's "star" Warwick Willow Davis has voiced his urge to write a 6th installment and hand directorial chores over to his make-up FX man, warranting "who knows better about the character than we do" as his excuse... I'm going to kill you Warwick... I'm going to hunt you down and eviscerate your little body... On another disturbing note, those fucks over at New Line say their insipid remake of Tobe Hooper's independent horror milestone The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is NOT going to be heavy in the gore and violence... how the fuck do you make a movie with the words "Massacre", "Chainsaw", and "Texas" in the titles WITHOUT excessive gore and violence?! Answer: the same way you make shit, by stuffing a lot of junk into your colon, squeezing real hard, then throwing it at an audience that will likely dismember you for doing such a thing. Another thing: what's New Line thinking by putting the pussyfart director of Pearl Harbor in charge?! Just leave the friggin' classics alone you stupid bastards, before someone gets hurt... and I mean BADLY!

posted 3/15/01: For the past few mornings, when I go out to warm up my car (because the state refuses to support my undead ass anymore and I have to go to WORK at FIVE in the morning, whore-mongering sphincter demons!), there's been this single cricket who's taken it upon himself to chirp everyday and make my pitch black strolls out to the car that much more insipid. It's also inspired me to construct a Haiku, which I haven't done since my 5th grade classic, "My Urine Burns Bright In Flashing Pain". So, without further ado, I present my latest masterpiece, "Obnoxious Noise In The Darkness: My Urine Burns Bright In Flashing Pain Part II".

Solitary chirps.
Lonely insect in the dawn.
Bah! You go squish now!

posted 3/14/01: I watched Fox's "Celebrity Boxing" last night. Though the fights were all pretty much one sided, I have to say it was probably the funniest damn thing I've seen from Fox in a long time! Watching Willis *whomp* on Vanilla Ice was classic! Mr. Ice put up this, "I'm the baddest of the whiggers Holmes!" facade, but it was less than nothing against the prison trained thunder punches of ex-con Todd Bridges! We all know what it was Willis was talkin' 'bout now kids: beatin' on Whitey!

posted 3/10/01: I was flipping through the ol' brain damage box yesterday and found One Crazy Summer on the Fox Family Channel... errr, the ABC Family Channel... which still shows Fox Family programming. Anyway, not long after, I also noticed Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment was on Comedy Central. I'm not really current on my Biblical tomes, being a faithful Christian hater to begin with, but isn't two Bobcat Goldthwait movies within an hour of each other a sign of the Apocalypse? Why does my television hate me so?

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