Right now I've got a frozen pizza in my freezer I could be making for dinner, all the more appealing because it's a supreme and I haven't eaten anything for the last couple days. Right now I've got a copy of the Ginger Snaps Special Edition DVD that begs me to watch it, spreading it's plastic cover a little more with each glance and flashing me brief glimpses of it's shiny disc with which to tease me. Right now I've got my girlfriend's mom's copy of Trainspotting sitting on my nightstand, calling out to me to finish the last 100 pages or so, unwilling to let my attention go without a fight. Right now there are over 500 channels of mind-numbing, spirit crushing television to be watched. Right now I couldn't care less about Van Halen, because they suck, no matter which retarded old fuck is leading. Right now I need to take a shower and feed my cat. In spite of all this, what am I doing instead? Right now I'm watching Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen... and hating myself every step of the way.

VR:NQ is one of those movies that you'd swear was a bad dream. After you watch it and the video fades to black, you feel like you've just come out of a haze, some kind of 90 minute dementia that couldn't have really existed. The damp patch in your pajamas, the cold sweat on your brow and the odor of cheap booze and vomit that permeates the room just serve as more reassurance that it wasn't real, just a hallucination, a bad trip. Then you get up, stumble over to your VCR and press the "Eject" button, afraid of what will pop out, but unable to continue on without checking to make sure the proverbial monsters under the bed actually exist or if they're just the product of a subconscious terror from your childhood, nurtured and given life from the alcohol poisoned womb of your imagination. You hear the gears inside your VCR begin to *whir*, a cassette inside comes to the surface, and from the mouth of your 1989 Panasonic monstrosity? Gay porn... well, though you're disturbed and wonder what the fuck it is you were thinking last night (or why there's a teenage Philipino boy passed out on your floor), at least the source of your nightmares was just that: a nightmare. Then, it hits you. Your gaze turns from the enfeebled and shivering body of the young lad at your feet and locks on the small black rectangle he's propped his head on. Pushing him with your foot, you role him over and find a second video cassette lodged in the side of his face! You pull it out slowly, less concerned with all the blood and the way his flesh seems to drain of color more with each passing minute, and more concerned with the crimson smeared over the label...

Wiping away the sticky red fluid, it takes a moment for the trauma to react in your brain, as sparks of intense pain blind you and seem to blot out your conscious thoughts. Paralyzed, it finally registers in the back of your skull, that empty, all engulfing blackness that starts to cover your flesh like a dirty old man licking you with his tongue, stinking of tobacco, peanuts and sweaty leather. Blinking our eyes a few times, you can now make out the title on the label: Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen. It's over, it's all over... not that this has actually happened to me before. Maybe this is why there's very little in the way of recorded evidence of the movie's existence. A search of my usual haunts online proved futile, as none of the sites I check in on weekly carry any mention of the title. Turning to the B-Masters Cabal, I was still unable to find a review for the flick on ANY of their usually very comprehensive archives of movie trash. Even a google.com search brought up little more than a listing of websites that merely mention the title amidst lists of vampires movies, none of which actually led me to a review, even the Internet Movie Database, which only carries the movie's title and two of the cast members. Attempts to uncover places from which to buy the movie proved equally useless, as no one seems to know of the movie nor do they have any desire to carry it. So, you can imagine why even I, Anubis, was having a hard time trying to categorize the movie as real or another result of the brown acid I dug up at the scene of the original Woodstock.

Although Vampire Raiders is harder to dig up info on than the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot or Attack Of The Supermonsters, it's director, Bruce Lambert (now THERE's a Chinese name if ever I heard one...), made a series of movies in the mid-to-late '80s to star ninjas and/or just people in black pajamas. These fell under such colorful titles as Empire Of The Spiritual Ninja, Ninja Phantom Heroes and Ninja Warriors Of Death, and not one of which was I able to uncover at even one of the 13 video rental franchises to which I claim membership. I STILL can't recall where I was cursed with my own copy of Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen, as any prior recollection of the film or it's involvement in my life were wiped away in the coma following my initial viewing. What follows is taken from my notes, written while watching the movie. It's the longest 90 minutes of an eternity of "90 minutes" I've ever been subjected to, and sits in bad company with Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence, Killer Workout, Demonicus and yes, even Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare. This is an early warning: be prepares, because this review is going to be as long and painful as watching the movie itself.

"How come I can't get no Tang 'round here?!". You no longer need to worry about that Homer, my friend, as this movie is a Thomas Tang production! Yes, you'll get all the Tang you've ever wanted and more than you'll ever need. Tang collaborated with some of Lambert's other ninja flicks and has kept his hands pretty well submerged in the kung-fu genre, the most anticipated of which in my book has to be his 1993 movie Robo Vampire, which I will no doubt spend lots of money on if that's what it takes to see it at least once... Cinemasochism should be a crime... Our movie also boasts a "special appearance" by Agnes Chan, of whom I've never heard of unless she's got any relation to Jackie. Our story is actually a blatant, perverse amalgamation of two movies, neither of which I'd be bale to name, but it's obvious there are two different reels being thrown together. It's the Spam™ of vampire kung-fu movies, and just as greasy and stomach nauseating. The dubbing allows whoever was in charge of releasing this abomination to make up a different story than what's going on, but let's follow along as best we can, shall we? Our opening follows two seemingly normal people as they follow each other about through the streets of Hong Kong. Subsiding to a less public location, the two (one an American female the other a Chinese male) openly speak of a mission given to them by their mutual "chief" to recapture a "top secret name list" from The Black Ninja Corporation™ (a subsidiary of 3M™). Piece of cake, right? Well, even if I knew what the fuck was going on here, I'm guessing it's not such as easy task, as the list is said to be secured at "Vampire Headquarters"... I'll let this sink into your brain like so much poisoned oatmeal...

With their mission established, the woman places the responsibility on her partner, saying she's got personal business to attend to, creating a cloud of smoke and emerging dressed in a bright pink ninja outfit and leaping away... Her Chinese counterpart then does the same, only his uniform is white and has nowhere near as deep a plunging neckline. Okay, it's been established that these two are not only ninjas, but ninjas with BAD fashion sense when it comes to dressing for a career that whose success hinges on not drawing attention. Pink and white don't exactly help you blend with shadows, plus they're probably a bitch to keep clean! On the other end of the spectrum, I'm guessing the two aren't the only ninjas around, as noted by the existence of The Black Ninja Corporation™ (or BNC™) and this "name list". The "name list" I'm imagining, is pretty much the pay roll list for whatever ninja organization that Pinky and Whitey pledge allegiance to, containing the names of every pajama wearing ninny in the group and their personal information. Hmmmm, as if all of this bullshit wasn't bad enough, take into consideration that there's a place called Black Ninja Corporation™, when the ninja are supposed to be a clandestine type that is only whispered in the underworld, not a corporate powerhouse. All of this pushed aside (like so much festering trash off the back of a garbage truck), we watch as Whitey heads for "Vampire HQ" in search of the stolen list. Though he proves more than a match for a stray black ninja (though I'm sure he might not have had so much trouble hiding against the shadows and blending with the darkened ceilings had he been wearing something a little less bright and vibrant!), Whitey's ancient art of ass-whoopin' proves futile when he's attacked by a duo of slapstick, hopping vampires whose supernatural abilities seem to turn Whitey into a sparring dummy as he's tossed through the air and crashes stiffly to the floor, consumed in a puff of smoke and leaving behind nothing but an empty pair of PJs... somewhere in Hong Kong there's a very cold and very naked sparring dummy wandering the countryside...

Now that the vampires have been introduced, allow me to bitch my typing finger off further! My first exposure to the hopping ghoul phenomenon came with the far superior Mr. Vampire. In that movie, the undead in question were forced to hop around because death had left them with serious rigor mortis, meaning the only movement they were really allowed was to hop around ("Hop around! Hop around! Hop up, hop up and get down!"), an idea better portrayed by one of the film's alternate titles: Mr. Stiff Corpse. However, the "vampire raiders" in question here seem to have little or no problem bending their knees and other joints to move, and yet they continue to hop... do one or the other damn it, not both! Then again, given the rest of the movie, can you really be surprised that they couldn't even get the vampires right?!

Enough about that shit though, as we've got to start up the other movie now. Our attention focuses now on a young Chinese girl who works as a switchboard operator in a Hong Kong hotel. She and her two friends work the late shift, making them ripe for being subjected to some kind of evil doings. But, for now, she'll just have to be content with making a Mary Tyler-Mooreish ass of herself. Back at Vampire HQ, the apparent VP of BNC™ pays a visit to destroy the "top secret name list" and thus seal the fate of the Purple Ninja Organization... zombie Jesus! This is like the Pepsi vs. Coke of organized ninja business feuds! Guess those titular Vampire Raiders be vampire corporate raiders... From further exposition courtesy of the BNC™'s vice-president, it seems that the whole dispute is over domination of Hong Kong's most lucrative industry. No, it's not the drug trade or the prostitution rings or the gun trafficking, but the SERIOUS money: the hotel industry... I can feel the knife twisting in my guts as I try again and again to end this horror in a bout of Sepuku. Though I know I cannot die, at least maybe the physical pain will replace some of the spiritual pain from the movie... no such luck. It's times like this I envy the dead, the lucky bastards.

The pajama-clad antics carry on, as two black ninjas attempt to 'jack Pinky's Volvo™, only to be stomped fiercely by the Ninja Queen and her male associate/photographer. You can't really place all of the blame of incompetence on the defeated ninjas though, as I doubt much of their training centered around the ever present "x factor" of the stalwart, Swedish quality of manufacturing you can only find in the doors of a Volvo™... BNC™'s VP then arrives in all of his bearded pseudo-glory, wondering why both their factions can't just get along, Rodney King-like. Pinky's reply? The Black Ninja Corporation goes against "the spirit of the ninjas" and has become "corrupt and evil"... excuse me Madame Ninja Queen, but where the fuck did you read up on Ninja history?! The ninja are an ages old clan of backstabbing, honor-less jerk-offs who would tear off their grandmother's wooden leg and beat their own dog to death with it for enough Yen and rice patties! There is no "spirit of the ninjas", and if there is, it's ALL ABOUT evil and corruption!!! There is no emoticon for the rage and disgust I'm feeling right now! Yargh!

In an effort to give the audience a breather, the story switches back to our other movie, as the lead switchboard operator stumbles upon the BNC™'s sinister plot to overthrow the motel scene by eliminating her boss. Where as most employees would think of this as a good thing, she no doubt sees it from the standpoint of someone who fears for her job and tries to convince her co-workers that they need to do something. It's all laughed off though and nothing is done. On the way home that night though, our heroine begins seeing an awful lot of people around that could pass as the undead on the way home. The next morning, her mother reads in the paper that an elderly couple at the girl's hotel was struck down by an airborne swine... I hate those low-flying pigs, always taking peoples' heads off and knocking down power lines... No matter how bizarre a situation this may sound though, the mother's explanation for it is 10 times more mind-boggling, as she blames it on "all these nuclear explosions"... What in the name of David Lynch is this old hag snortin' up her cake hole?! The knot in my brain just tightens when it's believed that the flying pig attack was actually a botched assassination attempt on the hotel's owner... WHAT?! Shuriken, katana, poison darts and about a million other deadly assassination arts at their disposal and the modern ninja's weapon of choice is combining gravity with livestock?!?!?! Guess the old ways have been abandoned in favor of the radical, farm-based killing technologies of the 20th century...

My confusion is quickly replaced by stomach churning disgust, as we join our Ninja Queen relaxing on a beach side. I don't care how high this broad may be able to kick or how hard she can hit, that's no excuse to allow her to throw on a bikini and go out in public. She's got no ass, and what ass she does have has a big messy brown splotch on it! She's also lacking in the top floor too, and her nose desperately needs to be annexed of at least 1/2lb. of excessive bone. It's a fucking "shnoz"! Uggh, this woman's looking less and less Ninja Queen as this scene continues and more and more drag queen... or Steve McQueen even... Pinky's one woman beach party blow-out is busted up by those lovable hopping vampires in their clown make-up, who have been hiding beneath the sand the entire time. I no longer feel as if I'm the true victim here, as one of those ghouls actually had to sit through this horrendous looking broad lying on top of them... not exactly the best place to put a beach towel, is it Pinky? The attack ends suddenly though, when the Queen transforms into her hot pink battle gear and we're magically whisked away to the next scene. I guess she defeated her undead opponents too, as we find her hanging out with her photographer again and complaining about ninjas and vampires and her desire to "destroy them all". Our two movies actually try to relate here, albeit momentarily, as Pinky proclaims that she will use the hotel switchboarders to flush out the ninjas... don't ask how, just stare blankly and it will seem to go faster...

Speaking of the girls, they uncover a new plan to kill their boss, listening in on a telephone conversation that consists of the ancient ninja art of "hit and run", in which they will hit the man's car and leave the crime scene in the hopes that a fireball will ensue and everyone will die. Convincing their boss of this will require some help, so the trio enlists the aid of their fat male friend, appropriately named Fatty. The chore list of annoying antics they go through to complete the task is draining my brain cells as I merely mention it, but they finally convince the elderly China man to allow them to push his car down an empty alleyway, where a white van comes speeding out of nowhere to crash into the passenger's side. Somebody apparently changed the channels in the middle of this scene though, as the attention jumps to Ninja Queen as she disposes of a couple more black ninja extras before returning to the car accident. The driver exits the vehicle and runs off, leaving the car to inexplicably burst into flames... WAS THE FUCKING GAS TANK OF THE CAR TRANSFERRED TO THE PASSENGER'S SEAT!? Not only was the fender bender a small one, but there's no way that any part of that car should have become inflamed from the little love tap! Was his car really a Chevy SUV with Goodyear tires disguised as an economy car?! Just keep repeating to yourself, "It's only a movie... it's only a movie... it's only a movie..." 45 minutes of chanting later, I finally feel secure enough in my own sanity to trudge on.

Back to our ninja movie, it returns from commercial break to bring us a scene of our female golf queen Pinky, as she beats on more grown men in bad Halloween costumes, shish-ka-bobbing them with the magic katana that tends to appear out of nowhere along with her pink jumpsuit... wonder what they put in those smoke bombs... The action is short though, as we go right back to the other movie, following our three heroines as they're rewarded for saving their boss's life with a week's paid vacation and a little r&r on the boss's boat, brining along Fatty and the genetic Chinese mutation of Rico Suave and Dustin Diamond to attend them. More intolerable antics ensue as they become the targets of the boat's two zombie crewmen and an overflowing toilet. They attempt to stop their lumbering pursuers with piss from "a virgin's balls" (i.e. Dustin Suave), but the incident fails miserably. No shock, considering urine comes from the bladder, not the testicles. Also no shock, as the chick just kind of pulled the idea out of thin air, albeit not to the effectiveness of the "pulled out of their asses" voodoo mastery shown by the cast of Killjoy. Their next genius plan is to fight the ghouls with a flamethrower made with out of a fire extinguisher... doesn't kinda defeat the whole PURPOSE of a fire extinguisher?!?!?!?!?!?!

Whatever fucking laws of physics this Gods damned ordeal follows, it no longer matters, as the two zombies are sent overboard and the blithering morons/heroes drive the boat to shore and safety, thus ending their part in the crime that is Vamprie Raiders: Ninja Queen. Speaking of crimes, somebody get the "Addams Family" people on the phone, as their theme music gets the rubber ducky treatment and actually scars the soundtrack for part of this scene... not even my ears can go unscathed here... While all this was going on, Pinky's photographer partner the purple ninja, made a brash attempt at raiding the BNC™'s corporate employee retreat and training seminar, cutting down something like 10 black ninjas and taking out another 10 extras with smoke bombs of varying colors before his rainbow of doom is shot down by the pyrotechnics of the evil Yellow ninja... see kids, that's why they put warning labels on Roman Candles. You should only point them at ninjas, not each other! Wait a minute... if they're the Black Ninja Corporation™ and the Purple Ninja Organization™, then how is it that the leader of the BNC™ dresses in yellow pajamas and there's only ONE purple ninja in the PNO™?! Both sides should just drop the colors and rename themselves "Ninja Corporate Unlimited" and "Ninja, Ninja and Liebowitz". Oh well, just another pothole in the road to making any fucking inch of sense what-so-ever.

While Mr. Purple is tied to a rock and given 40 lashes with a wet noodle, Pinky comes to his rescue with more smoke bombs and gymnastics. This just spells more cinematic doom for the viewers as a group of 6 black ninjas (no different than any of their fellow extras) pull off one of the sloppiest "camera jump" scenes in history. The "camera jump" is what I call it when the filming stops briefly so that someone can "magically" appear from nowhere, usually in a puff of smoke. This is ripe for tragedy, as the background, the sets and even the people are likely to move even slightly while this is setup, making items and actors seem to "jump" around the screen. It's done to the extreme here, as the ninja arriving on screen before the next "jump" is pointlessly replaced by another stand-in when the next ninja appears! I know they're all in the same outfits and their faces are covered (with the exception of the eyes), but just look at the height and head shapes of the ninjas in question! Basically, it's like this: Ninja #1 appears. The camera "jump" to introduce Ninja #2 in another puff of smoke. Where's Ninja #1? Who knows?! He's instead been replaced by Ninja #1.5! Any doubts of my claims on the pathetic work of this movie will be immediately disregarded until you too have sat through it. More ninja-on-ninja action follows, as well as some short ninja-on-vampire to be had, including some intense slow-motion leaf pruning, some bad anti-gravity leaping and an exploding vampire head whose little vampire hat seems to refuse to obey the laws of gravity. You can almost hear it under it's breath as it says, "Fuck you Newton, you swine, I will not fall to your nerd-i-tude!".

The final sequence is a battle between Pinky and Purple as they double-team the Yellow ninja lord... so a two-on-one is part of Pinky's "spirit of the ninja" shpiel? The limp face-off finishes when Mr. Purple hurls his katana at his opponent, only to have it deflected, then FLY AROUND A TREE AND RETURN TO IMPALE THE BAD GUY!........... It's a perfect end to the perfect gurgling cesspool of cinematic diarrhea too, as the "impaling" injury is nothing more than the yellow ninja holding the blade against the side of his torso so as to keep it from falling to the ground... They couldn't even put up enough pocket change to break one of the swords in half and glue either end to the ninja's front and back, they had to go with the "hold the sword there, it'll look great!" maneuver.... Thank Samhein this movie's over, I'm gonna be sick... If you expect me to say anymore on this, then you're reaching for stars kids, because I'm through with this. It's an insult to myself and to all of you to continue on, so for both our sakes, it ends here. In the words of Marvel Comics™, "'Nuff Said!".