An American Werewolf In London was considered a classic because it showed us some amazing special FX that helped revolutionize the field of transformation FX, along with The Howling. Even for people like me, who thought that the story and acting may not have been all that grand, at least we can look with genuine awe at the FX. An American Werewolf In Paris apparently tries to recreate this same thunder, this time using computer generated images (CGI) to get the job done... these guys don't have a clue...
First off, our film stars nobody I've ever heard of and a bunch of people I'll never hear of again. Wait a minute... Julie Bowen?! So I may just have a rich relative to sponge off of after all?! Huh, maybe this mortality scam isn't so unproductive after all! I'll have to look in on her later. Anyway, we open with a guy in a lab coat (obviously a scientist of some kind, hence the white coat... don't question my theories smart ass!) as he runs the Paris streets in panic. For good reason too I'm guessing, cuz he's soon dragged down into the Parisian sewers by an unseen force. Meanwhile, 3 American "daredevil" goobers ride a train aimed toward "gay" Paris, home to stinky cheese, bitter wine, hordes of artsy-fartsy types in berets, the always detestable mimes and, of course, chicks with hairy pits. Oh, and there's that big metal structure too... Hell, with a phallic symbol THAT big, who wouldn't think that Paris was the place for (gay) lovers! So, what do 3 American guys do while in the land of love, one night stands and gonorrhea? They disregard easy prey and instead decide to show off their testosterone to each other and bungee jump off the Eiffel. And, since Paris security guards are apparently even more incompetent than American rent-a-cops, the guys actually get up to the top of the tower amidst a bright full moon and go about their "X-treme" lifestyle. Andy, the "quiet cute one" of the trio, does his jump a little impromptu in an effort to save a lovely young lady who tries to jump to her death from a top the mighty symbol of penal domination. He rescues the little street-smudge-to-be, but on the rebound of his chord, the shmoe *thwacks* his head on one of the structure's many girders, knocking him senseless and sending him to the hospital. And to think, this entire film could've been prevented, if only there had been competent guards on watch at the Eiffel Tower that night!
Sure enough, when Andrew awakens in the hospital, it's to an all too coincidental, uhm, coincidence, as he discovers that the broad whose tortured existence he's prolonged happens to work at the same hospital... if you're shocked, then you should probably let go of those live wires while standing in that puddle of water... We learn that the babe's name is a Seraphine Pigote, and knowing that their pal Andy is smitten with the broad, they decide to help him search her out and ask for a date. Their persistence pays off and Andrew gets his wish. On the date though, he screws up royally when Sera finds him in possession of a rubber. She's about to drop him like a bad habit, thinking he's in the game just for the prize and not the sport. For those of you unfamiliar with the art of metaphor, I'll translate my last statement. In other words, "Sera thinks Andy just wants to impale her cootch instead of go through all the 'getting to know each other' nonsense, so she plans to dump him". But, to cover for himself, Andy goes all out and says the contraceptive is in fact gum, and proceeds to chew it... and blow a bubble... and thus ends the film's only remotely funny moment. Good night everybody!.......... Yeah, well, for those still sticking around, let's get back to the "action". Andy winds up in an argument with some guy over something and Sera interjects, doing the one thing no woman should EVER do for a guy if she loves him: Sera kicks the attacker's ass and saves Andy from a royal beat down. Bruising his ego far more than the thug would've bruised his body, Sera proceeds to hop a bicycle and ride away, leaving the boy blunder to mope and sob in the realization that he's a pussy who has to hide behind his would-be girlfriend's skirt. Oh well, at least he can get a good view UP said skirt from back there, heh heh heh.
Later on, Andy and his two pals (the other Americans, not his balls) head to Sera's villa to try and squeeze another date out of her (or at least a gangbang) and instead bump into a scrawny bald guy who looks like a French version of Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting. This guy, Claude, invites the lads to a little celebration, promising that the lovely Seraphine will be in attendance... which she's not. Do I smell a trap? Oh wait, nevermind, my dog just shit on the floor... then ate it and vomited it back up... let me go clean that up before it gets worse........... Alright, back again. So, anyway, Andy and his amigo #1, Brad, head into the party, while amigo #2, Kris, returns to Sera's villa to see if she's really going to the gathering or not. What he finds may be an answer to that question, as he locates Sera in her basement... in a cage! Kris lets himself in and unlocks her from her bondage, only to get clocked over the head himself and caged for his troubles! Women. So, with one American properly restrained (likely to keep him from poking his nose into more trouble), Sera makes haste and heads to Claude's shindig to "save" Andy and Brad too. She practically drags Andy out by his sac, with Brad bringing up the rear (I wouldn't mind bringing up Sera's rear myself, heh heh). As they leave, the party becomes a little livelier as Claude and his fellow Frenchmen all transform into werewolves and perform some beyond-radical heart surgery on the other Americans they invited to their rave! While Ser changes (and you're surprised by this?) into her own lycanthropic form, she orders Andy to run like Hell and not stop until he's escaped through the sewers and into open ground. As for Brad, well, he's not fast enough and winds up puppy chow.
Meanwhile, back to amigo #2, Kris, he escapes his cell and finds a crippled werewolf strapped to a bed in Sera's basement... then promptly wets himself and escapes. Andy almost makes out fine. He runs into an unfriendly canine and rams a big piece of iron gate through the creature's heart. He then escapes out a drainage tube, though the beast does get a few gashes into our hero's leg before he can get away... Hmmm, very similar set-up as that in the first American Werewolf film, which, I can't stress this enough, appears to have NOTHING to do with this movie! The next morning, I'm guessing after he passed out from blood loss, Andy wakes up in Sera's bed... don't you hate it when you can't remember the best sex of your life with a girl you could never possibly get when sober?! Sera pops in to say hi, and let's Andy play with her tits as an offering for him to stay... I'm not saying a word... she also tells Andy that he's now a werewolf and must stay with her. But, it's all a dream... or not? Actually, it turns out to be a hallucination, which is seemingly a part of Andy's transformation into a lycanthrope. Then, Sera's undead mother makes an appearance... Whatever she is, hallucination or ghost, Andy freaks out (likely afraid that it's too early in the relationship to be meeting Sera's zombie family) and jumps out a window. Meanwhile, it seems that the evil Claude has captured Andy's pal Kris.
Dazed and confused, Andy then runs to the French 5-0 to report his friend(s) missing/dead and tell them about the crazy slaughter party from the previous night. Afterwards, he heads to a restaurant, where he "wolfs" down a healthy portion of food and meets an American girl also on vacation. He gets the babe really drunk and ready to fuck, when suddenly the mangled remnants of his dead pal Brad arrive! Yes, just as before, it turns out that Brad is doomed to wander the Earth a hapless soul until the wolf that killed him is in turn killed. This ponders the question: if a werewolf is killed by another werewolf, does the dead werewolf ALSO suffer from the specter condition, or do they just die and that's it? Enough about that, Andy's on the verge of scoring with the drunk girl! Oh wait, he's transforming...
Andy kills the girl, wasting a perfectly good piece of ass. He also wipes out some Frenchy who'd been spying on him all day too. The following morning, Andy wakes up with another case of "what happened?"-itis as he finds himself butt nekkid in public! The cops try to take him into custody, but Andrew gives 'em the slip and escapes. To add to his problems though, now he's also got to deal with the undead complaining of that American chick he killed earlier, as her ghost also haunts him and bugs him all day. We also learn that the only way Andy can become human again is if he finds the werewolf who contaminated him, then rips out his/her heart and devours it. Wouldn't that'd be a bitch if it were Sera? The two find love and it has to end because Andy wants to be human again, right? It would make for a heart wrenching final scene though. Does it end that way? Keep reading chicky, keep reading.
Later, Andy is confronted by Claude and his "pack". They want Andy to join them in their crusade against humanity and bring an end to the homo-sapien disease… this from a guy who looks like a heroin addict. Being the protagonist and all though, Andy says no to the offer, and with a little help from Sera and her happy little gasoline can, the couple escapes Claude and goons once again. Taking Andy back to her secret basement laboratory, Sera reveals that she's a smarty pants chemist and has been trying to create a serum that will cleanse her system of the werewolf blood. She intends to do so though, using her stepdad as her test subject. You remember him; he's the guy who was dragged into the sewers in the opening sequence. He was also the crippled wolfman that Kris found strapped to the bed. Starting to make sense now, eh? Things go bad though, when Claude and his furry Nazis break into the lab and swipe another concoction Sera has: Insta-Wolf! It basically brings out the wolf in you (like Frosted Flakes "brings out the Tiger in you") when it's injected, so you don't have to wait for those unreliable lunar cycles anymore! Oh, and Claude also kills the bed-ridden stepdad too. So much for little miss Bio Chemist and her artificial "cures". After getting his hands on this wonder drug, Claude decides to hold another party. This time it will be a 4th of July party to which only Americans are invited... a 4th of July party in France?! I'd be wary of such a thing, but I guess all the American tourists in Paris are just looking for some fun, so the party attendance list is rather high... like he, heh heh. But, the eviscerating party games are brought to a halt, as Andy and the Parisian police force arrive just as Claude and pals are putting on their dinner suits!
Being stupid and boring werewolves as they are, the CGI puppies are blasted away with nothing more than standard issue police bullets, just like the ones that felled poor Dave in the first American Werewolf flick. So, the film basically turns into a shooting gallery as the mongrels are gunned down like flea bags in a barrel. Claude makes a run for it though, and Sera and Andy give chase. They wind up running through the catacombs of the Paris sewers again. As for Kris, well, he flees the party doing his best imitation of Jesus... In desperation, Sera shoots up on some Insta-Wolf of her own and becomes a beast to fight with another of Claude's pack. But, Andy pulls a boner and shoots the poor girl, not knowing she was a werewolf... and just when their relationship was going so well too. Leaving Sera to be helped by the cops (after she reverts to human form), Andy continues pursuing Claude. The battle spills onto a subway car, where Claude's last needle of Insta-Wolf winds up in Andy's chest. So, with Claude now human and Andy now the monster, the hairy hero rips the villain open and goes to dinner, munching down the heart like a ravenous duck-billed platypus! Then, "several full moons later" (in other words, about 3 Puppet Master films and another Subspecies sequel), Andy and Sera are wed, then seal the deal by bungeeing off the Statue of Liberty... I give 'em about a month.
The first film had it's funny moments and the special FX were astonishing, even by modern standards. The naive David was almost likable and his tragic love with his bed nurse ending so harshly, it almost made you want to cry. But, just as An American Werewolf In London seemed almost confused on what kind of genre is was aiming for, An American Werewolf In Paris seemed confused on all levels! Was there a point to this film? Honestly, I can't tell. Were the creators of this film attempting to wow people with the limitations and unrealistic FX of CGI? Were they making it simply to cash in on the first film by putting out a sequel for "a new generation of horror fans"? Perhaps they just had some extra cash lying around, a new computer program, and some friends in the production industry and decided to just throw together a movie and throw their prospective careers in the crapper? Whatever the reason, it's not important, and let's just leave it as an exercise in pointless Hollywood money laundering. The important part is that the film sucks, nobody that matters liked it, the cast and crew will never work again, and it's all over. Just forget it like most people have and go watch The Howling again, like I'm about to. Goodbye and good riddance!
The Moral of the Story: Never do the dickhead tourist thing and laugh off old school gore and makeup effects just because you have fancy computers and all your so-called "graphics imaging technology". Unless you're getting fisted with Spielberg money, it's always gonna suck and look FAKE.
Sequel To: An American Werewolf in London
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- You get a scant few funny moments, and though the material here is ripe for riffing, the tone and big Hollywood look will drive away most H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. lovers of the less-than-fine arts.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Ginger Snaps or
Blood & Chocolate
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