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The Blair Witch Project
(1999)
Reviewed By Anubis
Genre: The Movie WAY Too Many People Thought Really Happened Because WAY Too Many People Are Morons
Directors: Daniel "One more idiot film school grad" Myrick
& Eduardo "known to the ladies as 'The Dirty'" Sanchez
Writers: see "Directors"... not that I'd apply either distinction to these guys.
Featuring: Heather "Manticore" Donahue
Josh "The Shaggy Dog" Leonard
& Michael "Twelve City Blocks" Williams
Review______________
Before "Survivor" (but after "The Real World"), there was The Blair Witch Project. By now we pretty much all know the concept: in 1994, 3 college students go out into the treacherous woodlands of Burketsville Maryland (ooooo, Maryland, I'm frightened!) for a film project on the local legend of the Blair Witch. This is a good thing, because it's better than doing the alternative. What alternative? Well, in most cases similar to this, I suggest the "independent filmmakers" create the classiest and cheapest piece of cinematic art: amateur porn. However, in the case of these three ugly, ugly people, I'm glad they chose the evil documentary path. Anyway, these 3 ghastly humans go into the woods, get lost, scream and bitch a lot, get harassed by things that go *thud* in the night, are separated, and eventually all wind up dead in an isolated cabin. Was it the ghost of the Blair Witch that killed them? Perhaps it was the crazy old hermit who killed 7 local kids back in 1941 or a relative of said hermit? Then again, maybe it was a group of Deliverence extras lookin' for some bacon to squeal for 'em. My guess? It was the Leprechaun. He's everywhere man! Hiding in rainbows, cereal boxes, under my bed, and occasionally popping out of my girlfriend's forehead... I gotta throw out that bad acid. It's been sitting behind my refrigerator for 17 weeks, but I just don't have the heart to throw it away like I would a greasy ball of teeth and pubic hair. It deserves a proper burial... in my cerebral cortex.
Yeah, I know this was a short review, but that is the whole plot, right there. When summed up so simply, you have to wonder how it made all that cash. Oh well, I guess we now see the true extent of internet hype. By the way, though everything about this movie says the footage is actually genuine film shot by genuine ugly people in the woods who were genuinely killed, it's all not true. I know I shouldn't need to clarify this for most of you, but if you knew half the retards I do, who actually thought this was real, you'd understand my desire to educate the naive. I think the moment I knew for a fact it was fake, was when the fat guy was on Leno... though I wish they, along with Leno, really had died, then I'd actually pay to see it the next time... Then again, I do have to admit that the first time I saw this, the "run like maniacs away from the tent and scream like little girls" scene actually gave me a chill up my spine... oh wait, that was because the fucking theatre's AC was down to 4 degrees. If you think it's a surprise that something this cheap became the highest grossing independent horror flick of all time (beating out Halloween [which beat out Texas Chainsaw Massacre... sorry, trying to get in as many real horror movies as I can to keep from getting sick on my pink bunny slippers]), then you're not alone. But, if you're more into "normal" horror flicks, then don't worry, because this was followed by a sequel, which went the way of the usual independent horror smash: big budget sell-out sequel. Was it any good? You'll have to read my review for it (shameless plug) to find out...
All in all, I could make something just as "fancy" with my grandma's old Super 8. I'd certainly cut down on the dialogue though. Movies with nothing but dialogue bore the undead shit out of me, and this movie was ALL dialogue. At least these nitwits could attempt to extend their vocabularies. All the three of them do is scream "fuck", call each other "shitheads", and wax intellectual about "Gilligan's Island". Hey, when Kevin Smith did it, at least he did it with some semblance of style and wit.
Well, this aimless review that jumps around to different points for no reason (to go with the movie it's reviewing) is now over. I gotta go floss the pieces of Heather Donahue out of my teeth...
The Moral of the Story: Run around like a stupid asshole in the woods and people laugh at you. Do so on camera and the world's general idiot population will give you millions of dollars.
DVD X-tras: Though I greatly disliked the movie itself, I commend the creators of the DVD. The disc continues with the whole "no, really, all this really happened... why don't you believe us?! IT'S ALL TRUE!" theme of the movie. Major problem here though, is the special features menu, which fades in and out, trying to be spooky but just winding up annoying and hard to read. Speaking of special features, there is: director and producer commentary track; the entire sci-fi channel featurette "Curse of the Blair Witch" (the disc's best feature); "Newly Discovered Footage" (a.k.a. - a deleted scene in the tent); a step-by-step history of the Blair Witch legend and the movie's release; actual bios for the cast and crew, NOT made up shit; production notes from the film's beginning to end; and one Easter Egg located on the Blair Witch stick figure symbol to the right of the main menu. This Easter Egg includes some trailers for the flick and one for Artisan's DVD release of The Stand.
Sequel:Books of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Sure, it may be a bit too well known for a H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. gathering, but seriously, this thing's one big joke from beginning to end! Point and laugh kids, point and laugh.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: The Last Broadcast or
Cannibal Holocaust
FEEDBACK
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