Yes, that's right kids, your old uncle Anubis is going to tell you a story from the old days of cinema, when color didn't exist, acting was far from "refined" and blood on screen was as rare as an exposed nipple... actually, it's not a story, but a review, but who cares, just sit there and listen and don't bitch about having to take a piss, cuz I don't need any kids whacking off in my bathroom. This is the classic black & white picture that would etch the name of "Bela Lugosi" into the marble columns of film history, making his title synonymous with the word "horror" and the name "Dracula"... although when he did the role he didn't know much English, so it's likely he didn't know half of the shit he was uttering, but the role made him a legend and that's all that matters. Interestingly enough, the part of the Count was originally intended for Mr. Lon Chaney Sr., but the old coot had to go and die at the last minute, opening the door for Lugosi to make a name for himself in a dead man's shoes... I wish John Carpenter would have the courtesy to give that a try sometime...
We all know Bram Stoker's tale of the ageless Prince of the Night known as Count Dracula and his exploits when he becomes a tourist in London, England. We all know about Professor Abe Van Helsing, Jonathan Harker, Mina Seward and that wacky old Renfield, the literary equivalent to that kid in the back of the bus in elementary school who always picked spiders off the floor and ate them. You know, it was gross and novel at first, but then he stopped doing it on dares and just did it because he liked the buzz that eating spider venom from the source gave him... later he became a Methadone addict and snorter of paint thinner, then he started eating bigger and deadlier arachnids, only to become an arachnid himself! And that's the story of Jimmy the Arachnid Boy. But, this is the story of Dracula, so fuck Jimmy the Arachnid Boy for just a few minutes and let's get back to the topic at hand. As I was saying, we all know the story of Dracula, and over the course of this website's existence (I say approximately 40 years, barring any accidents that result in complete loss of attention span or any other tragedies that involve me getting a social life), I'm going to tell the tale over and over again. Sure, the names may change here and there, the cast and crew will likely always be different, but in the end, the story of Dracula is always the same basic elements: boy meets vampire, vampire seduces boy, vampire and boy go to England, vampire meets girl, girl meets vampire, old guy meets vampire, somebody kills vampire and it's all over till the sequels. But, to be fair to every rendition of the story, I've got to review the accompanying movies, so here we go...
It all begins with wormy little real estate agent Renfield, a native of the British slum known as London, who is on assignment in the Carpathian Mountains of Transylvania, paying a visit to a wealthy client who wishes to purchase the bit of rundown property know as Carfax Abbey. Upon his arrival in Trannytown, the peasants begin to warn and curse him right off the bat, claiming that his client, Count Dracula, is a monster, a parasite, a creature of the night that kills humans and feeds on their lifeforce, a non-living, non-breathing vampire! We in the states call these people "lawyers" or "television executives". Sure, Dracula may be the kind of guy who only conducts business in the dead of night, dresses entirely in black (complete with cape) and has several wives who live in the basement of his decrepit castle home, but it's a different culture! So the guy's a little eccentric, who's Renfield to judge a client?... Especially one who's ponying up serious dinero for an otherwise unsellable piece of property like the Abbey... who's the real parasite here again? Though I have to commend Renfield for being a professional salesman and sticking by his trade in the face of such an otherwise bizarre buyer, I think I'd be a little cautious of a guy who asks me to come all the way out to his home in the mountains after midnight and NOT tell anyone of my destination, not even my loved ones... there's a fine line between professional and retarded... and I think it's time Renfield got fitted for a straight jacket... or at least a helmet, so he doesn't hurt himself... provided I don't do it first... okay, enough of these pauses, I'm wearing out my "." key.
After the good Count treats his guest/real estate agent to a meal, Renfield oddly faints afterwards and Drac crawls on top of his unconscious form before we fade to black. Just to step in and add some editorialized bullshit for a moment, I don't care if Drac's into smokin’ meat cigars and tearing male brown eyes, as long as he's not poking at me with his wooden stake I don't care what he does, but this is all wrong. It's not my place to judge (except where movies are concerned of course), but I believe that date raping someone you've passed a Mickey to is reprehensible, hetero OR homosexual in context! It's simply a pathetic act of the desperate and morally corrupt and I will not have any part in viewing it in ANY aspect!... now I just hope the judge is as receptive to that speech tomorrow when I testify... The following morn', after wiping the blood from his neck wound and the Vaseline from his ruptured poop chute, Renny joins the Count as his new man bitch on a sea cruise back to the England to claim his new property. Meanwhile, the director puts his kid's toy boat through rough waters in his bathtub... When Drac's overgrown schooner ("a schooner IS a sailboat, stupid head!") of death finally lands in England, the entire crew is found dead of mysterious causes, the captain tied to the wheel and Renfield found as the only survivor, locked away in the ship's hull, stark raving mad and goofy-eyed with a taste for insects and vermin. You may stick out your tongue in a "blegh" motion with your face contorted, but have you ever eaten a lady bug omelet? Actually, I honestly did a few days ago, the honest truth (or at least as close to it as I can get), and it was... well, it was repulsive and I wanted to vomit because it was fucking bitter and noxious, so I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut and get on with the task at hand.
Apparently ignored by the police officials who discovered his boat in such disarray, Dracula slips from his coffin the following evening for a night on the town, frequenting the local foggy avenues and alleyways (*wink*wink* to the Rancid fans) in search of a decent meal, settling on a poor woman selling flowers, which probably wasn't all that satisfying to begin with, as we all know how inedible British "cuisine" is... I can guarantee you'll never see an Iron Chef from London. While taking in an opera, the suave Hungarian catches the interest of lovely young Lucy, a local lady with a taste for "bad boys" like our antagonist. Later on that night, after saying buenos noches to her good friend Mina, Lucy gets more than she bargained for with the Count, when he pays her a late night visit and stays for a nightcap, more precisely a Bloody Lucy... you know, as opposed to a Bloody Mary... hey, you don't like, you know where the "close window" option is you dickweed! The next day, after Lucy's body is found drained of blood, the morticians are puzzled by the small breaks in her neck that are very similar to those found on the flower girl also found the night before. On guy's not so mystified by the enigma though, the white haired professor, Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, amateur vampire hunter extraordinaire! But, Van Helsing's first task is Renfield, whose blood shows signs of vampirism, but if he's one of the Nosferatu, then why's he letting himself be confined in the Seward Sanitarium? He disappears everyday, only to reappear and allow himself to be restrained again... strange...
Dracula's next dish of choice is Mina, friend of the dead Lucy, daughter of Seward Sanitarium's owner, and fiance of Jonathan Harker, who has no real purpose in any of this really. He's like applesauce; he simply exists with no apparent role in the universe. Though the Count seduces Mina and makes a late night bite out of her neck, he doesn't kill her like he did with Lucy. Instead he lets her live her life as normal, only now with a stylish neckerchief to cover up the little entry wounds on her tender flesh. Drac actually shows up at the Seward household the following evening on a social call, but who should he run into but Dr. Van Halen... Van Helsing... who's noticed Mina's injuries despite her attempts to cover them up. While ol' Blood-free McGee is pacing the joint, Van Helsing notices the Hungarian aristocrat doesn't seem to cast a reflection, a fact which startles and pisses off the Count, when Van Helsing tricks him into looking into a jewelry box mirror, exposing his dirty little secret to Dr. Abe, Mr. Seward and John Harker! Though they now know his secret identity, Drac does his own rendition of the Mr. Burns trademark move of sloping his brow, crooking his index finger and uttering "You've made a powerful enemy my friend" in his most demonic of voices, then stomps out in a hissy fit while the trio of would-be-heroes just watch... uhm, I'd expect SOMETHING to have happened here, but I guess that's what I get for expecting. With Lucy showing up dead recently and Mina displaying similar neck contusions, these guy's must've just cleared some of the world's finest bong hits to be this relaxed about the situation! Oh well, when life hands you lemons, ya gotta make lemonade... and roll a blunt while you're at it.
Speaking of the lovely Lucy, she's been spotted as a mysterious lady in white lately, lurking in the mists of the night and seducing children with the promise of candies, only to put the bite on them when they take the bait, proving that Universal liked to slip public service announcements into their movies back in the B&W days. Remember kids, you shouldn't be out after dark, nor should you take candy from strangers, otherwise hot bitches in sexy white negligee will suck on your neck... I gotta start hanging out in London more often. Back to Mina, she's resting up in bed, surrounded by bundles of Wolfsbane in an effort by Van Helsing and Mr. Seward to keep Dracula from getting his extended canines into her again, while John is fed up with the doctor's bullshit about vampires and ghouls, insisting that Mr. Seward allow him to take Mina home with him. Wow, guy's got balls to be demanding his girlfriend's dad late him take her back to his place for the night, even for a British S.o.B.! Meanwhile, Renfield begins to make it a habit of showing up in the Seward household and babbling incoherently about Dracula and the dangers he can unleash... dangers which the madman must describe in detail as they go beyond the reach of special FX limits of the day. Everything lays in the hands of the confident and capable Dr. Van Helsing, who must defeat the unholy powers of the night before everyone falls victim and start making nightly withdrawals from the London Blood Bank And Penny Arcade! Will he succeed? If you have to ask, then I'm not gonna tell.
Despite all of Van Helsing's orders, John does just as we all expected and disobeys every one of them, firm in the logic of his own little world that his presence alone will be enough to keep Mina safe and pure. Even if all that crap was true, it still wouldn't work, because Dracula's already fused his plasma with that of Mina, meaning she's already a creature of the night, and I'm not talking about a London whore (though British women are some grotesque beasts at that)! Manipulating the Sewards' maid, the Count finds his way into the house and makes off with his prized Mina, carrying her back to his foreboding abode at Carfax (.com? I don't need to buy my used cars from a bloodsucking Hungarian baron damn it!). John and Van Helsing aren't totally lost here though kiddies, as they find Renfield and follow him back to his master's lair, uncovering a hidden passage into the Abbey! Needless to say Drac's not happy about this incompetence, and whether he sees it as treason or ignorance, either way he strangles his former squeaky little man lover before whisking his bride-to-be to their honeymoon suite and bedding down with her in matching coffins. But, before her sleep can convert her to a full fledged parasite, Mina is released from her prison by John as daylight breaks, while Abe busts up the lid to Drac's coffin and stakes him through the heart with one of the splintered pieces of wood during his most vulnerable state. See, now if Dracula had paid heed to the commercials, he'd understand the meaning of the whole "plastic saves lives" shpiel. The day is saved, as is Mina's soul, and everyone can live happily ever after. However, when Mina and John leave the castle, they ask Abe if he's coming too, but he declines, instead staying behind in the castle's basement for an unexplained reason... perhaps to look for a bathroom? Perhaps to vandalize Drac's home with graffiti tags of "Van Helsing Rocks!" in the Count's own blood? Or, perhaps he's just staying behind to clean up the set for the Spanish film crew to come in and shoot the ending to their version, which Universal was shooting at the same time on the same sets with a Spanish speaking cast, all because they were so confident this version was going to be so popular... Whatever the reason, I guess we're all left to make up our own ending, which is fine by me.
It's been 70 years since this film's release and it definitely shows. Not only through the lack of tits and blood, but the acting is far from "refined" by today's standards, as each and every member of the cast was ridiculous, making hokey acting for equally hokey characters. For example, Renfield reminded me of David Hyde Pierce's character of Niles on "Fraiser", except when he'd do his creepy, shit eating grin and maniacal laugh, then he reminded me of a five-foot tall, flesh and blood version of Six-Shooter from the Puppet Master movies! In the meantime, it is somewhat amusing seeing the old Universal Studios FX at work, as Mr. Lugosi takes a flashlight in the eyes every time he "hypnotizes" his victims, similar to what Karloff had to put up with in The Mummy. At the same time, though he's been so highly praised for his menacing acting abilities, you can't help but laugh when he makes some of those "sinister" facial expressions! I mean, it looks like the old guy's either trying to repress a chuckle or a fart, either way it's unbearable! Hahahahah! As for continuity and such, I never knew armadillos were indigenous to the Carpathian Mountains area... and since they reside inside Drac's pad, I'd have to hazard a guess and say they're VAMPIRE ARMADILLOS!... dramatic pause... and... *DRAMATIC HARPSICHORD RETORT!*... unless I was supposed to believe that said Armadillos were actually giant rats, though the staff didn't exactly do a great job of covering that up. Despite all my complaints, the major thing to look at is that this friggin movie is OVER 70 FUCKING YEARS OLD! It's a throwback to a bygone era when movies needed to rely on more than bucket of gore, pig intestines, severed mannequin heads and large, naked, cosmetically enhanced mammary glands to sell a flick... not that I mind any of those things of course. But, still, I can't sit down and watch this movie with a strait face. I dare say I had to go all MST3K on its ass too, which will likely anger the purists, but hey, if you don't like my words, don't read them, it's not like you're paying to look at me complain. Now, about Jimmy...
The Moral of the Story: "I don't drink... wine."
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Though the humorous elements that are associated with the low-tech movie making methods at the time provide potential, the pace and lack of color are better suited for singular showings.
Sequels: Dracula's Daughter,
Son Of Dracula,
House Of Frankenstein,
House Of Dracula,
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: The Mummy or
The Phantom of the Opera
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