For any of those who missed the book or the movie for whatever reason (say living in a cave on the moon with your eyes closed, corks in your ears and your thumbs up your rectums... or you're just a pissy Catholic type), I'll get on with the review and try not to stray too much. First off, this is a review of the rereleased, remastered and refitted edition of the movie, popularly titled, "The Version You've Never Seen", though now I have seen it, so I guess that's a pretty redundant title now isn't it? As for me, I just call this "the spider walk version", because there were a few scenes put back into the movie for it's new release, the most notable of which being a brief scene where the possessed Regan does a spider walk backwards down the stairs... brief but freaky stuff folks. The beginning finds us smack dab in the Middle East, before Hussein and all his whiny little crap about no outsiders and before he turned the nation into one big "Hussein Rocks!" t-shirt that he refuses to stop wearing around people, no matter how dirty or rancid it gets, so long as he can remind people that "Hussein Rocks!". An archaeologist/priest discovers an old world trinket at his dig site that has something to do with "evil against evil", which, if it's anything like "fight fire with fire", then those old worlders were really off the fucking mark. Have you ever tried to really fight fire with more fire?! Good thing I'm only inhabiting this body and not it's actual owner, cuz these arms and this face will never truly heal from that debacle... Anyway, back here stateside, burgeoning actress Chris McNeil (Ellen Burstyn) tries to relax in Georgetown Pennsylvania, the fartbeat of America, and make time to spend with her young daughter Regan (the one role Linda Blair will ever be remembered for). After all, we all know how hard it is to be a single mother and sought after Hollywood player. Of course beating off stalker fans, evading the paparazzi, dealing with divorce proceedings and custody battles are gonna seem like a nice bout of casual Sunday morning bed wrestling, because Chris is about to find out that the shit in her future is FAR from hitting the fan...

Also in the boredom of Georgetown we're introduced to Father Guido Sarducci, who's taken a break from his time on the set of "Saturday Night Live" to have a charity comedy... uhm, nevermind, that's not the Guido machine, that's Father Damien Karras. Damien's just wants to be a good member of the priesthood and take care of his ailing mama, eat spaghetti and molest small boys after Sunday Mass. Actually, as of late Damien's been questioning his faith as a psychiatrist man of the cloth, so the stuff about molesting kids hasn't been his main concern. Why this recent trouble with Catholicism? Call me crazy, but could it have something to do with his name being DAMIEN?! For fuck's sake, how many devout Catholics do you know, let alone priests, with a name that just oozes the black secretions of Satan like "Damien"?!?! Some good Catholic his mom turned out to be... Back at the McNeils' home away from the limelight, Chris is starting to get those bad cramps in her stomach (which aren't from her monthly torrent of rust colored agony, but from that motherly intuition that your offspring's about to become the shell to an unholy demonic entity) when daughter Regan claims to have a new friend who lives in her Ouija Board named Captain Howdy (yes, now you Strangeland freaks out have an answer to one of the mysteries of the universe and can now listen to your Twisted Sister albums without distraction). Aside from the disturbance that her kid has an imaginary friend at her age (who seems to have a mouth like a Bronx whore to boot), Chris is also getting bad vibes from strange noises coming from the attic and Regan's stories of her bed shaking violently in the night for no apparent reason... and moms, this is just the beginning of those awkward teen years...

Siting some additional attitude problems as of late and potty mouth that soap just doesn't seem to clean anymore (Chris should try a toilet brush, always works for me when trying to get rid of those smeared stains of fecal verbiage), Miss McNeil takes Regan to physician for a check up, to make sure it isn't just premature hormones causing all the trouble. The doc's solution to the young ladies problem? Drugs and plenty of 'em! Hey, Drew Barrymore was a childhood addict and look how she came out... those Hollywood kids, all the same... Later, with Regan seemingly well dosed up for the night and tucked away in her room, Chris and her Hollywood friends make drunken asses of themselves and do what all drunken asses in these positions do: try to sing while their gayest friend plays the piano. Not particular to being awakened from her slumber by off-key boozers, Regan comes downstairs to make an appearance, telling mommy's would-be boyfriend Bert "you're gonna die up there" before going au natural and pissing all over the floor... now that's what I call "doggy style"... you know, cuz dogs piss on the floor... don't try to make sense of it, just read on. Before going on though, I'd like to say that you'd think a girl of Regan's age would be house trained by this point. Looks like Chris should look into Master Sardu's Obedience School For Young Girls... better hurry up folks, the summer semester's filling up quick! Whether the students-to-be like it or not...

The following night Regan's bed does it's best impersonation of Urban Cowboy's mechanical bull, leaping off the floor and trying to throw little Regan off, until mom busts in and puts her ass on the bed, which must be bigger than it looks, cuz she manages to steady it. Meanwhile, Mama Karras finally shits the bed, leaving Damien with an awful mess to clean up... I'm kidding of course, as I mean to say she's finally corpsed up, leading Damien's faith to continue it's decent of the downward spiral. Across town, the young McNeil continues her own decent, this one into madness, as she goes into violent fits and begins propositioning her doctors. Uhm, actually I wouldn't call it "propositioning" per say, but more like demanding a 500cc hot beef injection, and stat! They turn so slutty so fast, don't they moms? One minute they're in grade school and the next minute (literally) they're touching their toes and begging for more. Well, enough about my days in 5th grade, cuz Chris has decided it's time to turn to modern brain medicine and confront a shrink. Meanwhile, that Bert guy does die, sailing head first out of Regan's bedroom window, you know, "up there", like she said. The psychiatrists and other witch doctor voodoo are just as useless (though I imagine just as pricey) for Regan, and their only suggestion now is an exorcism... I love how doctors just give up on patients they can't fix and pass 'em off to other people to do the work for them. I wonder if medical insurance covers exorcisms... I know my HMO doesn't, but then my employers at the slaughterhouse just get cheaper and cheaper with these fucking cutbacks lately. Maybe it's time to show them WHY you shouldn't deny an exorcism to a guy that slaughters cattle with his bare hands all day... PLUS, I don't wear a hair net!

Still not sure on this whole exorcism thing, Chris sits back and waits to see if Regan might just snap back to normal, or maybe throwing some chicken soup and Midol at her will make her all better. She changes her mind though when she walks in on Regan masturbating in her room. Sure, this is something that any normal girl would do at that age, stuffing mommy's vibrator or a banana or the neighbor in there as she explores the wonders of her budding sexuality, but when they're doing it with a crucifix, screaming blasphemy and stabbing more than stroking, it's time for the mother to intervene and show her how it's done right... then for them to have an incestual 40 minutes together provided they're both hot and there's a fat greasy man with a camera and a contract in the room. When Chris attempts to stop Regan from mutilating herself, the little freak stuffs her mom's face into her gore dripping gotch, then bitch slaps her and pretends she's a cartoon owl by rotating her head 180 degrees on her shoulders... I knew a chick who was into that freaky shit, and though she was a riot in the sack, the rest of the time she was really boring, constantly going on about making quilts, how much she loved cheese and chocolate covered bugs and how everyone in her family used to beat her all the time. She never shut up! Even when we were having psycho rough crazy sex she'd just keep screaming things like, "Have you ever had good Munster? I'm talking REALLY good Munster that's been aging in your sock drawer for a week!". Anyway, Chris finally goes for the last resort and starts finger walking the Yellow Pages for an exorcist.

Of course she winds up asking Father Karras to perform the act, otherwise there'd be no reason for us to have been following him all this time. Karras wants to try his own methods of psychology though, and offers to see Regan a few times before he decides if it's really necessary to steal her soul or not. Upon his first visit, Regan's looking pretty fucked up by now, tied down to her bed, her face all slashed up and pale, bad dental work and glowing demon eyes, talking like she's got a hungry rat gnawing on her voice box and just as vulgar as ever. This first visit is of course the infamous projectile pea soup scene, as Regan insists Damien share her lunch and barfs it all over the guy. After this visit and a few more sessions with the girl, Karras request the church give him license to exorcise (as opposed to a license to drive, which they already gave to Corey Haim or a license to kill, which they already gave to Timothy Dalton), and they decide to team the rookie with their pro-exorcist, Father Lankester Merrin, who also happens to be our archaeologist priest from the opening sequence, as well as out titular character. So, the two show up at the McNeil household, do a little prep work, then spend the next 20 minutes or so screaming bible verses at her and splashing her on and off with holy water. Finally, all the intensity of the situation and all the flying debris in the room take their toll on Merrin and his heart gives out, leaving the rookie alone to bring home the pennant for Catholicism! Karras tries to go on and finish the ceremony, but ultimately his hot headed Italian side comes out full circle and his exorcism degenerates into a hockey brawl, as he jumps on the bed and takes to strangling the little bitch with his bare hands! This anger seems to draw the demon into him now, possessing him instead. Being a man of "God" to the very end though, Karras takes this chance to kill the beast within and leaps from Regan's window, sending him down the "Hitchcock stairs" outside to his broken and beaten death, with a nearby priest giving him his last rites and putting an end to the monster that claims to have been Satan all this time... though I wonder why Satan would be spending his time claiming little girls when people of power or at least some far more attractive and full grown women would've been much more fun.

In the end, good doesn't win, evil doesn't win, it all pretty much ends in a stalemate. Sure, Satan didn't get the soul of a little girl, but he did bring about the deaths of three people, including two priests, and has likely traumatized Regan's mom for the rest of her life. As for Regan, she doesn't seem to remember anything that happened, especially not how she got all those bruises and gashes on her body (or why she'll likely never be able to have kids after what little golden Jesus did to her). Again, just like Drew Barrymore at that age... The one thing she does seem to know though is that she really likes priests for some reason. Meanwhile, the local Georgetown police Lieutenant, who I guess was like Karras in that he was losing his faith, has, uhm, fallen in love with a priest? I gotta stop sniffing nail polish remover when I watch these things... So, that's it, one of the top all time horror movies to hit any screen. A worldwide success that had people pissing themselves and leaving theaters because it was either too damn scary or just plain disturbing. I myself, who have seen and done everything when it comes to mutilation and killing for the biggest gross out factor, was not turned away like the weak and was able to watch the movie for what it is... and what that is I'm not entirely sure yet. Though not one of my favorite movies, The Exorcist is definitely a well made and effective movie in my cold black eyes. The mood and atmosphere of the entire film are always present, building steadily but never really going over-the-top as far as becoming exploitational or Troma like. The material is taken seriously, though it's very easily parodied by pop culture later on, especially the pea soup and Regan's harsh voice and obscenities. That's one of the things that really got to me though were in fact the obscenities. It's crazy watching a little white girl spouting off crazy insults and vulgarities to everyone, especially the crucifix scene! Even I was shocked the first time I saw that shit! But hey, who better to let violate you than when you "LET JESUS FUCK YOU!", because after all, Jesus loves you, so you know he's not just sticking it in when he does it, but he really cares about you and will do his best to satisfy you girls... and guys.

Aside from the movie's biggest selling points, like the shock value, the movie's underlying message of good vs. evil not always ending with a clear winner was also refreshing from all the movies I see where one or the other (99.9% of the time it's good) is clearly the victor. As for that whole, "evil against evil" thing at the beginning, I'm guessing that's in reference to the ending, since Damien was losing his faith and questioning his Lord, he couldn't exactly be seen as the good little priest he was supposed to be, but at least a little corrupted. The thing that clinched it for his turn to the dark side was when Darth cut off his hand... uhm, and by this I of course mean, uhm, his giving in to all his anger when he finally snapped and started assaulting a little girl because she was talkin' smack about his momma and attacking his manhood. Then again, a priest giving in to his humanity and letting himself be normal by getting pissed and kicking ass can't really be perceived as "evil", could it? After all, Father McGruder went all Bruce Lee on a group of vandals and I don't hear anyone calling him "evil"... though he did become the zombie father to a bastard GHOUL child, so I guess if screwing out of wedlock and bringing a child about as a result of it is considered "evil", then sure, he could've been called as such... stupid loopholes. Okay, enough about the philosophy and crap, let's get on to the technical stuff.

First of all, I just want to say that "Tubular Bells" is by far one of horror's greatest musical themes and Mike Oldfield has a place at the head of my orchestra of the damned for doing so. Okay, now that I've got that off my chest, sally forth. First the director. Even after all of this excellence in the face of such an unforgiving genre as horror, Friedkin puckered up and swapped spit with the curse of critical praise: one or two good movies, then obscurity and mediocrity for the rest of your life. I know none of you want to be reminded of this fact, but it's true, as Friedkin's credits have gone on to include such shame as directing Shaq and Nick Nolte in Blue Chips. Actually, Friedkin's got a semi-respectable resume, but it's mostly stuff that people forget when your crowning achievement is Linda Blair spitting pea soup on a priest. Once you've hit that high note, it's pretty friggin' hard to climb that ladder again. As for Blair, we all know her downward spiral into pathetic roles, including such "gems" (of crusted feces) as The Chilling, Hell Night, Witchery, blah blah blah. She also went on to reprise her Regan role in the sequel, Exorcist II: The Heretic and parodied herself in the Leslie Nielsen vehicle, Repossessed, a send up sequel-of-sorts to, you guessed it, Chained Heat... errr, The Exorcist. Ellen Burstyn went her own way too, mostly doing TV movies with the occasional role here and there on the big screen, until her name got a big shot in the ass in 2000 in the critically acclaimed, no holds barred drug drama Requiem For A Dream, where she played Jared Leto's crazy old mom, hooked on prescription medication and constantly buying her TV back from the pawn shop where her no good son would always sell it for quick cash. Though that's a great movie (anything that can make Marlon Wayans seem like a legitimate actor, even for just 102 minutes HAS to be good), this isn't a review for that particular flick, so I won't linger...

All in all, there's a reason why The Exorcist is called a classic and it's not just because it's all crazy and violent and creepy, but because it's a genuinely well made film. There are few times I will ever admit to something being well made, and this is one of them. It didn't win me with humor, with sex, with explicit gore or with Jeffrey Combs, but with it's style, it's mood and yes, it's professional approach to it's subject matter. Hell, it was good enough to win some mainstream awards, like two Oscars and several Golden Globes, so it might even appeal to the mainstream crowds, hence why it's managed to carve it's own niche into American culture. If you have never seen this movie then I have no fucking idea what your lame little excuse is. Even if you're not a fan of the genre and prefer drinking Drain-O™ and watching "Real Stories Of The Highway Patrol" on your days off... on second thought, no, if that's what you're into, how about you go do that now and get out of my site. As for me, if I jump up this movie's ass anymore I'll be, well, I'll be in a really uncomfortable place... like the back of a Volkswagen. Besides, I've hit the creative wall, so I'm gonna go watch "Mystery Science Theater 3000" reruns and refuel. You know where the door is...

H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating:
- Though there's plenty to joke on, the only real problem here is the fact that EVERYONE has seen this movie in one form or another. One of the great things about a H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. party is the exposure to all kinds of new bad movies that few if any of the attendees has seen before. Take it or leave it.

Sequels: Exorcist II: The Heretic ; Exorcist III & Exorcist: The Beginning... also Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist , though it kinda depends on which story you're inclined to go with.

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: The Omen or Stigmata

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