The story takes place in the Earth's future (if you play "Final Fantasy" then you understand my need to clarify that Earth is the setting... if not, then you're on your own), the year 2065 to be exact, where, for the last 34 years our big blue marble has been under siege by the tyrannical Steven Seagal! Nah, just yankin' ya, that pudgy prick has nothing to do with this... I don't think... Really, the Earth has been under attack by an alien race of spectral demons that the survivors have come to call "Phantoms". Yes, "the survivors", because the monsters are responsible for the destruction of the majority of mankind. That's right children, once more cinema has made us the endangered species, probably to give the animators an excuse to not animate numerous extras other than our cast. You can't really blame the Phantoms though, I mean, with the likes of George W. Bush, Pauley Shore, Sinbad and that crabby old broad from "The Weakest Link", I can understand their motivations for global holocaust! Many are the days I've sat in my tomb and considered turning the whole of humanity into one big smoldering greasy smudge, a blemish on the cosmic visage like the all encompassing zit that teens seem to get just before big dates... but, then I remember that I'm a lazy bastard who hardly has the self determination to get up and grab some ice for my drink, leaving me to suck down some piss warm Mountain Dew. So, instead, I just sit around and watch cartoons and porn all day.

As for the rest of our species, they're left to live their days in fear of attack, hold up in the last handfuls of civilization known as "border cities", trying to devise a way to defeat their oppressive extraterrestrial ghost monsters and take back what's left of the planet. On one side of the coin we have Dr. Aki Ross (Ming-Na *meow*) and her mentor Dr. Sid (Donald Sutherland), who are gathering 8 "spirits of energy" of biological origin from across the literal wastelands of the planet in order to pull off some sort of plan to vanquish the Phantoms... though I'd settle for them just vanquishing Ben Affleck and Rose McGowan... her nose and teeth creep me out to the point of loss of bowel control! On the other side of the coin we have the ruthless and vengeful General Hein (James Woods), who lost his family to the Phantoms in their early attacks and lives only to destroy them via his new toy the Zeus Cannon: a humongous beam weapon that orbits the Earth on a lethal satellite base... you know what they say about gun-size and penis-size... Well, Dr. Sid isn't too keen on Hein's idea, because he fears it will damage the Earth and kill it's Gaia or "soul" to those of you also not in tune with natural and supernatural blah blah blah. So, the big decision for the High Council (there's always a High Council in the future) is whether they should risk the precious time it's taking Sid and Aki to gather these spirits, as well as gamble that the damn plan even works, or just put all their chips on Hein and scorch the Phantoms' nest... for now they decide to stick with Sid, after all, anyone named Sid has to be cool!

Well, that's a whole lot of background I just forced you to sit through, and if you didn't like it than I suggest you learn the invaluable talent of "scanning" future reviews to find the stuff you DO find interesting. Then again, you could just learn the Cronenberg Method of scanning and blow up peoples' heads instead of reading my bullshit. Either way I'm still lactose intolerant, so stop bugging me with your petty problems. The film follows Aki Ross and her exploits to gather the 8 spirits as well as her attempts to understand the bizarro dreams she's been having. In fact, as we first meet her she's having such a dream, as she's caught up in the middle of what appears to be a civil war between an alien race, a race that appears very similar to the Phantoms, only solid. After this little daydream gone wrong, Aki heads to the burnt out remains of Old New York (an oxymoron of Godzilla proportions), where she thinks she's tracked the 6th spirit on her scavenger hunt. When she runs into trouble from a roving posse of Phantoms (even in the future NYC has unruly street gangs). Before the tentacle-wielding malcontents can get their ghastly mitts on Aki's tight digital ass though, she's saved by a small band of military grunts lead by Aki's ex, Captain Gray Edwards (Alec Baldwin in the digital twin of Ben Affleck with 5 o'clock shadow). Gray's grunts, known as the Deep Eyes Squadron (though how 4 people can be called a "squadron" seems a little stretched), consist of "first name only" characters Ryan the muscle-bound black dude (Ving Rhames), Neil the wormy technician (Steve Buscemi) and Jane (I think it's that chick from "Frasier", not the housekeeper but the slutty co-worker) the butch knock-off of Vasquez from Aliens.

After saving Aki and chastising her for being in a restricted zone without clearance, the crew head back to New New York (also known as New York 2: The Revenge Of Guilliani), where an entry bio scan reveals that Capt. Gray has a bun in the oven... an unfriendly Phantom bun that intends to take over his body! With her quick thinking and hawkeye shooting skills, Aki manages to zap the spore with a surgical laser and save Gray's life... though if it weren't for her meddling around where she shouldn't be, he wouldn't have been in that situation to begin with... but, since she's a woman she'll feel obliged to deny all blame and wrong-doing, instead redirecting it back to Gray. You know, the old "I never asked you to risk your life to selflessly save my life, therefore, I'm not going to show you an ounce of appreciation or respect" routine. Sorry, personal experiences have shown me that all woman share this trait and I tend to linger on it when I see it happen to others. Following this little emotional spat, Aki goes on to see Dr. Sid and deliver to him the 6th spirit she gathered from a plant in Old New York. This leaves only 2 more spirits to collect, but they better collect 'em quick, because if they don't create the spirit wave that will destroy the Phantoms, then Aki's in trouble. See, she has a Phantom spore trapped in a containment field in her chest and she's also the first spirit, so I'm guessing that when she dies she takes any hopes for humanity with her... no wonder she's such a stuck up and selfish wench.

After Aki shows off her Phantom spores to everyone in the High Council, Gray and the Deep Eyes are ordered to escort her on her search for the last two spirits, not as protection but to keep watch over her in case her spore overtakes her and has any "adverse" affects on her. Speaking of the last 2 spirits, our little band heads off to the fallout of Tucson Arizona, where they discover the 7th spirit in the bio-energy pack of a fallen soldier. To try and inject some action into the mix, the crew is soon on the run from a mob of Phantoms of various sizes and shapes. Several rent-a-soldiers are gobble up and their souls rendered from their bodies. In their escape from the monsters, Aki's spore begins to act up and a couple of goons under Hein's orders whip out their guns and prepare to shoot, leading to a stand off between the thugs and the Deep Eyes. Just when it looks like trouble is unavoidable, a giant Phantom creature sweeps through the goons' side of the craft and swallows their souls, leaving our heroes unscathed... lucky bastards. When news of the incident gets back to General Hein, he orders the Deep Eyes and Aki imprisoned and all of Sid's research material confiscated, all under suspicion of treachery... and because the only way Hein can get the High Council on his side and okay his Zeus Cannon is with Sid set up as the bad guy. Typical redneck, he'll do anything to use his new gun. Speaking of our heroes, Aki's on the edge of losing her life to the Phantom spore and Sid's got to patch her up. To do so though, he needs to anchor her spirit to reality, which is done by some kind of Vulcan mind meld with Gray as the guinea pig.

While bonded with Aki's spirit, Gray also gets to share her dreams and gets his turn at being caught in the center of the huge alien civil war. But, whereas the dream usually ends when a giant comet crashes into the battlefield and wipes everything out, this time the fantasy continues on and the two would-be lovers watch as a section of the alien planet is projected through the black void of space, eventually crashing into the Earth. Yes, the Phantoms are really the ghosts of long dead alien races from a distant planet, killing anything they come in contact with because that's just what dead aliens do... don't question it. Anyway, while this shit's going on, Sid finishes his patch job on Miss Ross and the crew can begin their search for the 8th and final spirit. They better hurry too, because Aki won't last much longer!... of course, search out the spirit could be a little hard from a prison cell, as this is when Hein's men take the accused spies into custody. Tossed behind bars (or at least laser beam barriers), Aki lets the rest of her people in on her realizations of the Phantoms as she's concluded from her visions... which I already told you about, so I need not type it out again and risk my delicate strangling grip any more than necessary. Meanwhile, the not-so-good General Hein lowers the barriers around the city to let in a few Phantoms and give the High Council a scare, sending them into a panic and giving Hein clearance to *zorch* the monsters with his big zapper, Gaia or no Gaia! This backfires in standard cinematic villain failure though, as what was originally intended to be a "fish in a barrel" contingent of creatures turns into a full-scale rampage!

In the chaos that results from the attack, the good guys manage to escape confinement as everyone is getting raped of their immortal souls... soul rape, a sad thing in our society when innocent people who've done nothing but what they were told are violated, their spiritual sphincters torn asunder and... okay, maybe it's best if I move on before this gets a little too graphic... moreso. In the escape, Neil and Jane become essence show for the hungry ghosts, as does Ryan, who sacrifices himself to distract a giant phantasmal scorpion squid so Aki, Sid and Gray can make a clean "by the skin of their respective asses" getaway and continue the hunt for the 8th spirit. During the search, Aki and Gray decide to ease their pain and loss with a zer0 gravity make-out session. Oh yeah, that Alec Baldwin is always a smooth operator! Did you see him in The Shadow? Shit, I almost called out his name in the sack after seeing that! If I weren't asexual, I'd... uhm... bake a pie...

So, after they screw in space (off screen sadly), they rejoin Sid, who's narrowed the point of origin for the last spirit to the Phantoms' crater nest... that's gotta suck. As if finding one specific Phantom amongst a sea of many wasn't bad enough, those "many" are also looking for some more human souls to slurp, so this could be difficult. Elsewhere, specifically the wide open spaceway above Earth's orbit, Hein and goons juice up the Zeus for their assault on the crater, pending the Council's approval. So yes, now our heroes have twice the trouble and half the time left to breathe.

With his Zeus, Hein unleashes Hell, far more than Russel Crowe ever could with his little Roman army, and turns the Phantoms' crater into a scorched ruin, wiping out the 8th spirit with it... wow, that sucks for the good guys! To make matters worse and prove that in the movies the heroes NEVER catch a break, Aki and Gray are also swatted from their spelunking craft by a massive Phantom that seems to have been UNLEASHED by the Zeus Cannon's powerful ray. This massive monster? It's the very Gaia of the destroyed alien homeworld. That's correct, this oversized pile of protoplasm is the very life essence of the dead planet, and it's not happy with the Earthlings giving it a galactic hot foot. How do you defeat the lifeforce of an entire planet? Well, Hein's solution is simple: blast the damn thing with your giant beam weapon! If that fails? Keep blasting it until either it dies or the satellite overheats the point of a chain reaction explosion! Too bad for General Hein that the second is what happens in this situation as he and everyone aboard the Zeus are completely eradicated when the cannon overheats and, like the age old philosopher Confucius said, "gun that overheat go *BOOM* in gunner's face"! Trust me, it's one of his lesser known catch phrases. On a plus note, the Zeus did crack open the Earth's crusty surface and unleash it's chewy nougat center, as the Gaia that Sid's been preaching about all these years makes an appearance. The close quarters with the spirit inside Aki apparently transforms her Phantom spore parasite, turning it into a compatible 8 th spirit, meaning the Spirit Wave can finally be completed and good can triumph over misunderstood evil! 'Bout time.

So, Aki is cured and the Spirit Wave is put into action, Gray has to sacrifice himself to inject the Spirit Wave into the Phantom Gaia using his own soul though, so the happy ending comes with a cost. The Phantoms (including the little bugger snuggled up past Aki's boobs) are all vaporized, scattered to the four corners of the cosmos while Aki Ross is left with one very dead Captain Gray. The End. All in all not a bad flick for you fans of science fantasy and the achievements of animation, but there were definitely a few fields that needed some tweaking...

The animation was incredible and you can tell these slanty-eyed mofos put their hearts into this movie. I'm not racist by the way, I hate everyone. Anyway, the film is so lifelike down to facial expressions and the movement of hair and the wrinkles in the clothing, that you have to remind yourself that the babe you're stroking yourself to every time she opens the top of her uniform is made of pixels... then again, if you're one of the losers choking your chicken to Aki, you've probably got as much a chance playing hide the Bratwurst with her than you do a flesh and bone Hollywood actress (NONE!), so might as well keep on chokin'.

Bashed by critics for having a story that no one but the most socially inept of video game misfits could enjoy, as well as some bland voice work by a cast that has the verbal skills of wet cardboard, Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within definitely wasn't going to win any Oscars. Okay, so the critics hated it, but that's okay as long as legions of those pale-skinned social shut-ins dished out good money to see the film again and again like they did with Star Wars: Episode 1, right? Well, first of all, Episode 1 had a legacy behind it to help it's box office. Yeah, I thought it sucked mountain oysters thanks to Jar-Jar and all the little fuck ups George Lucas made in the story, but I still went to see it twice. Why? It's a Star Wars movie damn it, and even though I'm not a huge fan of the space opera epics, it's still a modern historic event. The Spirits Within didn't have that kind of support to build itself on, and when critics AND fans didn't take to it, it collapsed under it's own weight. I know it's hard to live up to the hype that people put on you. Believe me, after all the disappointed girlfriends who have stuck me with "Dear John"s, I'm an expert on the matter... and my name's not even John. But, still, that's no excuse for this flick.

As a player of "Final Fantasy" for the majority of my mortal existence, I was looking for giant mutants, rampaging robo-beasts and simpering goblins doing battle with a rag-tag band of heroes (like a shapeshifter, a ninja, a princess and a tragic hero with a sword twice his size) with lots of fighting and magic spells and giant guardian forces that make my heart stop... permanently. I was also hoping to see other Final Fantasy mainstays like cool outfits, big weapons and street parades that make Mardi Gras look like a march down the Ho-Chi-Minh trails, but received NONE of these! There weren't even any damn Mogs! I want my Mogs you bastards, and I want the classic Mog March music! Is it my fault for EXPECTING the movie makers to indulge me, or is it Hironobu Sakaguchi's fault for bombarding us with such things in his games and then denying us these same elements in his film?! Since I'm a God that means I'm always right, so Mr. Sakaguchi, kindly cut off your toes with a rusty metal spork for fucking me and a legion of fans over and get your ass back to work making video games! After the sad box office this film did, the company responsible for the FF games, Square, took a heavy hit in terms of money lost developing the film. So much so that they had to sell much of their stock to Sony, the company responsible for the Playstation and Playstation 2 game consoles... which means there probably won't be any future FF games for you X-Box or GameCube owners... if that's the case, then my hatred for this film will soon triple over time. Anyway, since the flick was such a bomb, it's been said there will never be another FF movie, meaning that, though it lacked many of the proper Final Fantasy elements, The Spirits Within is a fantasy and it's the FINAL FF movie, making it a literal FINAL FANTASY... Yes, I know, you're confused, so go pop some Vicadin and watch "Jackass" before you hurt yourself. Great comedy is lost on everyone that's not me...

H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating:
- If you skipp all the crap about the movie and the production stuff and skip right to the "Thriller" parody, you could make everybody happy for about 4 minutes. You might even get a few requests for an encore! Otherwise, this is about as likely a candidate for a party movie as Jerry Fallwell is to open an abortion clinic.

DVD X-tras: Another thing Confucius liked to say was, "if movie bombs in theaters, pack the DVD with extras so people will still want to buy it", and the creators of the Spirits Within DVD took that to extremes here! First of all, it's a double disc that looks like this:

Disc 1 - In addition to the film and all the standard language and subtitle shit, we have 3 commentary tracks (one with co-director and crew [audio in Japanese], a second with the animation director, staging director & editor and the final one with an isolated score commentated on by the composer); an "animated storyboards-to-finished movie" comparison track that runs the entire length of the feature, which includes optional production commentary and "subtitled factoids" features (little sidenotes throughout the film that give us a little background on the technology, characters and settings of the movie); and several trailers. The trailers include a teaser and theatrical preview for the flick, a sneak preview of "Final Fantasy X", and trailers for Men In Black, Starship Troopers and the anime feature Metropolis. By far the best extra on this disc is the subtitled factoids, which seem to add so much more to the film, especially for people like myself, who are suckers for details.
Disc 2 - For starters we get an amusing opening sequence to introduce the menu. As far as extras go, set aside a few hours... We have: a 30 minute documentary on creating the film, complete with optional creator commentary (commentary on a documentary?!); extensive profiles on the characters, including pretty much everything but dental records(!); profiles for the various vehicles shown in the film; the "Final Fantasy Shuffler" scene editor, which isn't as much fun as it sounds (you basically throw around the sequence of events for the High Council scene, which I fucked up REAL good); a behind-the-scenes on the making of trailers; "The Gray Project", which shows us examples of the type o' image scan animation used to bring the characters to life; more storyboard stuff and a "how to" on the creation of the matte painted backgrounds and animating over them; a hilarious batch of "outtakes" thrown together by the animators (possibly the best feature on the entire disc); a little demonstration on just how many layers are required in the animation process for a few scenes; the original opening sequence, which sheds a little more light on the story behind the Phantoms and their conquest of Earth; and finally, the complete presentation of Aki's dream, shown together in their entirity as a short film.

And, if THAT's still not enough to keep you busy, there are even a couple of Easter Eggs in there too! First, on the opening menu (where the only options are "Play Documentary" and "Highlights Menu"), press -> (right arrow) when "Highlights Menu" is, well, highlighted. Then, press your down arrow to reveal an insignia on the right side of the empty part of the selection screen. This will take you to what appears to be production storyboards for what I'm guessing was supposed to be a romantic dinner scene between Aki and Gray. If you press <- (left arrow) twice while this insignia is highlighted, you'll also unlock a Japanese alphabet character, which gives us a bust of Aki gradually going through a string of color and lighting changes... not exactly great as far as Easter Eggs go, right? Well, here's the topper: at the bottom-right side of the Highlights Menu screen (where all the extras are available), be sure to highlight the little boxed image down there for a parody of Micheal Jackson's "Thriller" video, only with Micheal and the zombies replaced by the cast of The Spirits Within, including Sid, Aki, the Deep Eyes and several Phantoms! This is amusing and worth watching several times.

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Final Fantasy: Advent Children or Alien 3

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