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In the Shadow of Kilimanjaro
(1986)
Reviewed By Anubis
Genre: When Monkeys Attack!
Director: Raju Patel
Writers: Michael Harry
& Jeffrey "Kingdom of the Spiders" Sneller
Featuring: John "Lord of the Rings Trilogy" Rhys-Davies
Timothy "That's My Bush!" Bottoms
& Irene "Midnight Express" Miracle
Review______________
Ever wanna see John Rhys-Davies battling a horde of pissed off baboons? First of all, if that's something you've longed to witness, then congratulations, you're either H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. material or you've been smoking a LOT of dope in your spare time... or both. Either way, then welcome to your cinematic paradise, the critically disregarded and box office dud, In The Shadow Of Kilimanjaro. The only directorial credit of some guy named Raju (producer of Bachelor Party, Cyborg 2 and some movies based on "The Jungle Book" and "Pinocchio"), Kilimanjaro not only stars the Kingpin Of Crime himself (reference to Davies's role in Trial Of The Incredible Hulk), but also Timothy Bottoms (know best to me as George W. Bush in the short-lived Comedy Central series "That's My Bush!"), Irene Miracle (Puppet Master and Dario Argento's Inferno) and... some people I've never heard of... and a few monkeys... or are baboons from the ape family? Anyway, bullshit Biological classifications aside, this obviously doesn't sound like a well stock film as far as casting. As for the story, this is all supposedly based upon a "true story" type incident that occurred in Kenya, Africa in that magical year of 1984. Seems there was a serious drought that had a bad effect on the local wildlife, especially the baboon populace (90,000 strong according to the synopsis, though we of course never see more than maybe 20 at a time here), who turned to their hairless relations as a dietary supplement. If this is a documented case, then I've never heard of it, nor am I willing to make the effort to search for it. However, if it's in a movie, then it's real enough for my little world...
As our movie opens, we witness in abject horror as a young Kenya native girl is attacked by an unseen assailant like some kind of bad slasher flick. Come on Raju, we already know the monkeys are the villains, there's no need to hide their fucking identity on us! Just show the damn fleabags!... unless only one of them is a killer... like the one with the scar over it's eye... or the one with the streak of white hair who doesn't like to talk about his past... or maybe even the former Miss Baboon Kenya, who's title was stripped when she was photographed pissing on a police car... damn, any one of those scenarios would've made this at least semi-worth watching. So, elsewhere a group of researchers exploring the magical wonders of the world of the rhino happen upon a young girl scared shitless (AND speechless) because a pack of angry young baboons in leather jackets and chains, hailing from a post-Apocalyptic future, who came back in time to kill the kid who would build a robot to kill Superman before he could reverse the Earth's axis and destroy Hitler while still in his mother's... womb... and... damn, there I go making the plot entertaining again. Sorry about that kids, I get bored and I hallucinate in an attempt to keep my mind sharp and awake, so I don't have another Mutant episode... Like I was saying, the girl was scared mute when she witnessed her mother mutilated and mauled by a pack of ravenous monkeys. Hmmm, you'd think that 90,000 bloodthirsty, starving simians would strip a human body to the bone and slurp them tender viddles down in a matter of seconds, yet the mother's only "mauled"?! Even worse, they don't even show the damn body.
So, our heroic researchers take the traumatized lass to a nearby schoolhouse while we redirect our attention to a Kenya mining operation as run by white devil Chris Tucker (the ever large and bearded Davies), which is pretty amusing in modern media, since the black comedian Chris Tucker is skinny and lacking in facial hair... and black of course. Who'd win in a fight, John Rhys-Davies or Chris Tucker? That'd make a great movie, wouldn't it folks? It could be part of Fox's "Celebrity Boxing 2"! I know, I know, I'm doing it again. But trust me, this is POST editing! It's just so hard to review this movie in one consistent thought!! If only you could understand my pain. Oh, the pain... the pain... the pain... of it all... damn you Dr. Smith... Okay, butting his nose into Tucker's operation is Jack Ringtree (Bottoms), leader of the rhino expedition, who has come to plea with Tucker about he and his crew giving up some of their ever hydrating H2O to any predatory wildlife that should come along, hopefully preventing pissing off mother nature and her uncouth offspring. You can guess that the sweaty Tucker and his equally sweaty men's answer is basically "fuck off", only a little less vulgar. As for Jack, he's hit upon a lucky break, as his nights of floggin' the old dolphin to issues of "National Geographic" are coming to an end when his hot-to-trot wife Lee (Miracle) comes for a little conjugal visit. But, no sooner do the horny monkeys get their rocks off, Lee's popping "the question"... yep, she wants a divorce... what a cock killer... better get those "National Geographic" issues back out there Jack.
With a little of that patented Jack smooth talk, he manages to get Lee to ease off on the divorce talk and give his devotion to his work a chance to speak for itself before she condemns him for it. Sorry John, but I don't think the best time to defend your career is during a drought period where all the predators have a newfound craving for human carcasses. For the next few scenes we watch in abject mediocrity and sub-par amusement as the overzealous chimps show us they've taken lessons from Jason Vorhees in regards to stalking their prey, as they descend upon the occasional wandering child or broken down motorist... jeez, if they were really so friggin' famished you'd think they wouldn't have any problems going into at least a minutely populated area where there's plenty of food to scare up. Mr. Tucker, being the always quick witted chap he is, has a great idea to blow away a few of the baboons and leave the carcasses laying around the grasslands so the chimps go cannibal and leave the humans alone. We all know this is bound to fail though, because once you've had raw human flesh, monkey parts just aren't the same! So, just as I expect, the plan fails and the baboons continue to gather and ravage the people of Kenya. Their next meal? Tucker and his employees. The mining operation becomes a bloodbath as hordes of the fugly beasts descend upon their hapless victims! Well, that would've been nice, but the raid isn't exactly heavy with the juice, as Tucker and his men jump into a truck and escape. Meanwhile, back at the animal preserve/love shack, Lee is attacked by some rouge simians, only to be saved by Jack, who scares them off with a couple warning shots from his boomstick. Wow, these baboons obviously aren't as hungry as we're led to believe if they can't kill a couple of simple white people...
With his rough demeanor tenderized by his near fatal encounter with the jagged fangs and rancid breath of the baboon brotherhood, Tucker and his men realize that the only way to survive is to join with Jack, Lee and their researcher friends and figure out an answer to this conundrum. Tucker winds up alone against a gang of invading monkeys with nothing more than his quick thinking and a meat freezer to save him from certain doom. Elsewhere, Jack and Lee help that schoolhouse full of kids we saw earlier escape their own ape invasion with few if any people getting hurt in the incident... like I said, these baboons obviously aren't as hungry as we're led to believe, or at least not nearly as dangerous if the only people they can kill are stray children. John Rhys-Davies defeated them for fucking zombie Jesus's sake! All of our potential victims soon find themselves cornered in a hotel, which just makes them easier for the chimps to chomp. Then, just when it seems like we're in for a tragic ending in which everyone is mercilessly torn asunder and digested, it conveniently begins to downpour... and the baboons instantly become docile and return to their monkey lives with their monkey wives and their monkeys... knives... right. Yes, that's right kids, the mystical precipitations of Africa have the supernatural, Care Bears-esque powers to sooth even the savagest of beasts, such as a contingent of killer baboons in a blood frenzy in this case, making them forget their aching stomachs and parched mouths, their hungers somehow satiated by some rain... I begin to doubt that whole "true story" claim more and more... As for Tucker, he can return to his job, bloody and chewed up, while Jack and Lee decide Africa is the crossroads of Hell and madness incarnate, and they move back to their posh researcher digs in Los Angeles. Lazy baboons...
As if you couldn't gather from all the bullshit I've been babbling about the past few paragraphs, In The Shadow Of Kilimanjaro is one of the most boring films I've ever seen, which is saying a lot. It offers us so much potential, but can't deliver on ANY field, except for the notorious "cure for insomnia" label that reviewers like to utilize. People love killers and people love monkeys, meaning people love killer monkeys... unless those killer monkeys are too subdued to do any real killing. You hear something about 90,000 killer monkeys and we're talking unstoppable carnage on the level of the zombie riots of my beloved Return Of The Living Dead, not 95 minutes of stuff that makes those "When Animals Attack Police Videos" shows look like actual entertainment. The acting was fine, the direction was tolerable, but I just felt so abused, neglected and taken advantage of by everything else in the flick. These guys should've looked into hiring the trainers who handled the baboons in The Omen, they seemed so much more threatening and pissed off. I felt like I was watching the Discovery Channel here, only without all the sex, violence, and patented dick & fart humor that make Discovery such a pleasure to tune in to. Speaking of such, I think there's something on Discovery concerning the sexual rites of ancient Egyptian civilizations that has me in a cameo (or so Horus keeps telling me), so I'm just gonna hack the head off this bitch, grab a bowl of lime Jell-O and feed my brain AND libido for the next couple hours. I suggest you do the same and we all just forget about anything and everything about Kilimanjaro.
The Moral of the Story: Never come between a monkey and it's water, cuz it's like trying to take Rosanne's ham right out of her chomping, sloshing, gurgling mouth.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- John Rhys-Davies and Timothy Bottoms Vs. a rampaging army of thirsty baboons?! That's gotta be a keeper, right?! Uhm, only if there's nothing better to rent for the party than this...
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: uhm... monkey... related... things... or John Rhys-Davies movies.
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