The past year or so have played audience to multiple "Nature Goes Bad" D-t-V flicks, playing on the popularity and lampoon caused by all those Fox TV specials like "When Animals Attack", "When Animals Continue to Attack", and "When Animals Attack Extreme Japanese Game Shows". Many critics can also say that these movies all steal ideas from Jaws, and they would only be partly wrong on this. Yes, Jaws was a classic influence on the horror genre, just like Alien. But, I get very irritated when every film critic feels the need to say, "this movie then degenerates into a second rate Alien" or "we know all this because it's the same concept introduced in Stephen Spielberg's far superior Jaws"! Just because they were great movies doesn't mean they were the first. If you look further back, you can find killer nature movies and "the crew is then hacked down one-by-one" flicks that long preceded Jaws and Alien. Just because they did it well/best doesn't mean they themselves were original to start with.
King Cobra, as you may have guessed by the title, is about a killer snake. The snake in question is the result of a science experiment to splice the DNA of a diamond back rattlesnake with that of a giant cobra. Why such an experiment took place at all is beyond me, but the snake escapes when a hot headed young technician working in the lab makes a mistake, blowing up the lab in his haste, killing some of his fellow employees and releasing the over-sized science fair project in the process. Leave it to the young and fool hardy.
Two years later, a boy shows up in a small town physician’s office, near comatose and showing signs of snake attack, probably caused by the giant shadow that confronted him in the forest earlier on. Elsewhere, an old man is found dead at his home, a large fang lodged in his leg and a giant snake skin found nearby... boys, I think we just found our not-so-little friend. Oh, and for the human interest angle of our tale, we have Dr. Brad Kagan, the guy looking into these recent snake attacks who also plans to move to the city and leave his small town roots behind. Attached to those roots is the love of his life, Deputy Jo Biddle (yes, "Jo" is a woman), who doesn't plan on leaving her hometown, even if it means losing her man Brad. Blah blah blah, you know how it goes.
Enter into the picture Dr. Irwin Burns, spiffy new eye patch and all, who was the only survivor of that lab accident from the opening. Looks like Burns doesn't... burn that is... it was a joke, never mind. Anyway, Burns found out about a large order from Dr. Brad for potent anti-venom, and since the town also happens to reside none too far from the locale of his bombed out lab, he decided to investigate. Oh, and to give an excuse to add more victims to the cast, the town also happens to be holding it's annual beer festival. Despite the warnings of Dr. Brad, Mayor Ed Biddle, Jo's father (played by Hoyt Axton of GREMLINS), decides the festival must go on, in true JAWS fashion... okay, so maybe it does "borrow" heavily from JAWS, but so what! I "borrow" my material heavily from television and movies, but who cares! As I was saying, looming threat of a giant reptile or not, the beer shall flow, especially if Eric Estrada (putting the last new nails in his career coffin as he plays a limp wrist beer merchant) has anything to say about it! Go back to watching reruns of "CHiPS" and crying till you vomit, Estrada! We don't want your worn out ass around here no more! Wait one minute, wasn't I supposed to kill you back in my review for Ants?!
Washed up TV personalities behind us now, the King Cobra's next victims are dos jovenes calloso de Espanol (2 horny Spanish teens... provided I remember anything from 4 years of High School Spanish class), who are visiting for the festival, and wind up reptile chow. This isn't important really, I just wanted to use my bilingual skills before I completely forget them. Anyway, Brad and Burns aren't enough to take care of the renegade snake, so they call in beloved herpetologist Nick Hashimoto (none other than Mr. Miyagi and the guy who played Arnold in "Happy Days", Pat Morita). While they brainstorm in an attempt to stop the beast, the podunk town's local redneck chapter tried to hunt the snake themselves, proving themselves to be very mighty (as in "mighty worthless") when they can't even stop the 30ft monster with their precious boom sticks. They all fall prey to the King Cobra's venomous spray and teeth, simply there to add to the humor and body count.
Hash(imoto) finally comes up with a plan: bait the overly hormonal earthworm with a goat, trap it into a long tube, and then fill the tube with gas in an effort to knock it unconscious, making it available for study. However, if you've ever seen an episode of "Scooby-Doo" you know this will never work, as so-called "fool proof" plans always fail. Sure enough, though "fool proof", the plan is obviously not "idiot proof", as both Burns and Hash have a disagreement on how to capture the scaly menace, which they apparently couldn't have waited to discuss at a more appropriate time, such as 20 minutes BEFORE the snake arrived! Like I said, the plan goes haywire in true "Scooby-Doo" fashion, resulting in both Hash and Burns getting the bite. Jo too almost becomes dinner, but escapes, courtesy of a drop kick from good ol' Dr. Brad. My hero. Then, despite their relative inexperience with big cold blooded lab experiments, Jo and Brad manage to suck the monster into their big camouflaged tube, gassing it into dream land. There are many innuendos I can make about a giant snake sliding into a big tube, but out of taste (and because I have to get this tape back before Video Godz closes) I will refrain from doing so. Afterwards, a short time later, Brad decides to stay, continuing his relationship with Jo; Dr. Burns too survives the snake bite; and KC is transported out of hick central via helicopter. To deny us a completely happy ending though, we watch in terror as the snake awakens, attempting to break from his bonds. What's that acrid scent in the air? Could it be a sequel? By damn, I think it is...
I'm not really against the idea of a sequel actually, because Dave and Scott Hillenbrand have shown us they have the ability to make a moderately stylish horror movie, and, if given a bigger budget, I'd like to see them make a flick for the big screen. Shit, if Joel Schumacher can still find work after BATMAN AND ROBIN, then the Hillenbrands should have no problems! Also, the special FX team should go with them when they make this big epic I'm talking about, because these guys threw together a very convincing monster without the use of any digital devils! KING COBRA stands as proof that, if they have the heart and the budget, CGI isn't needed! Well, unless you're talking about something like the Matrix...
I had very few problems with the movie, aside from the cheap feel and setting that all D-t-V flicks have. But, these were some rather large problems for me. First of all, the flick had a serious lack of gore. For a giant snake with giant fangs, I expected to see more than a few simple strike wounds. But, given the PG-13 rating, I guess I'm not surprised. Also, why even bother with the Eric Estrada scene?! Was he so in need of work that he blackmailed the Hillenbrands into giving him a cameo? It must've been pretty bad if they were reduced to letting Eric Estrada into it! I don't need to see a fruity Estrada! No es bueno! Finally though, the biggest thing that pissed me off that requires addressing, is the boy from the first snake attack. Throughout this entire movie, King Cobra attacked several grown men and women, poisoning them and killing them almost instantly. Now, as always, I must be the annoying nitpicker of the group and mention that a small boy comes out of an attack alive. He winds up comatose yes, but still breathing none-the-less. Where is the fucking logic here?! Am I the only one who doesn't believe this?! Now Eric Estrada must REALLY die!
The Moral of the Story: "Sweep the knee" won't stop a big fucking snake!
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Not a bad movie really. It's fun, it's got a giant snake puppet and it's got Pat "now teaching karate to Allah" Morita. All around a decent little party movie.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Alligator or
Boa Vs. Python
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