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Knick Knack Paddy Whack
(1999)
Reviewed By Anubis
Genre: Film School Student Public Service Announcement Horror Short
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
Featuring: N/A
Review______________
Give the dog a bone... and yes, I DID have to make that joke. Speaking of dogs, what the Hell is this tightly coiled stack of dog shit?! I'd say it looks like a David Lynchian public service announcement for missing children (only without all the talent and vision), but that'd be an insult to David Lynch AND public service announcements for missing children! Then again, I'm almost moved to look for these missing kids if it means that no-talent, self-loathing, community college film students will stop making it the subject of their homework assignments... such as I'm imagining is the case here. But, we all know I'm far too lazy to help kids, so maybe I'll just put a death warrant out for these pathetic students and put an end to these “movies” (and I use the term looser than Lindsey Lohan’s meat curtains) with the more direct approach. It's not easy being the Egyptian God of Death and Embalming... though it is fun, that's for sure!
The villain of our little educational film is Millaine. Millaine lives in the basement of a run down high school, scuttling about like a spider most of his days, awaiting his prey, picking his nose, and screaming at the camera. Millie gets his hands on a Goth girl who apparently strayed a little too close to his web of deceit, obviously lured by cries of help, the promise of candy, or the standard "did I just hear a noise?" slasher movie pratfall. Whatever it was it wasn't quite clear, as there's not really any story here, simply badly edited snippets of film, like a Marilyn Manson video glued together by a retarded child. The majority of the short is spent with Millie harassing the girl, screaming at her about his tortured existence and slapping her around a bit. Millie tosses us the occasional curve ball when he rants about worshiping Satan in his own goofy and overly dramatic way. He either kills the girl or she kills him, I'm not sure, again thanks to the incompetent "retarded child" method of editing being used.
As I've said, you can't tell just what the fuck is happening most of the time, as not only the editing is pathetic, but the guy responsible for the special FX went a little crazy with the Photoshop and played with the visual and audio the ENTIRE time, resulting in one big, garbled, echoed blur that's hard on both the eyes AND the ears. The only advantage of this film? It was less than 7 minutes long. That's what I call a mercifully short, albeit incredibly painful, death. Knowing my luck though, you'll find me reviewing something else by this retard, like a $50 billion Hollywood release about the crash of the Hindenburg, the Chicago Fire, or "The Tom Arnold Show". Oh ye cruel fates, why must you mock me so! Would you like to partake in some of this pain and see just how bad this shit it? Well my friends, I apologize that I cannot bring this type of short-lived agony into your life as I once could. The website that originally hosted this video has since dropped it from their archives and it looks as if the video’s creator has either died, is too ashamed of his little tidy bowl movie, or just hasn’t heard of YouTube yet… I’m hoping for the first one. Anyway, if anybody reading this should know where I can find the movie or who it was that’s actually responsible for it’s creation, drop me a line! I’d like to know where this idiot lives…
The Moral of the Story: Uhm, I don't think this short could
afford a moral... nor could you really call it a "story".
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Though you probably won't be able to find it (and the effort required to look for it just ain't worth it...), this is an easy wake up short to throw at people when they're getting drowzy. It's loud and obnoxious, hyper like a 5 year old on Jolt™ and only lasts 7 minutes! And boy is there so much to make fun of in that 7 minutes...
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: BECOMING a missing person... for the good of society, okay?
FEEDBACK
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
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