Little Nicky is one of those flicks that seemed to make every critic's "Top 10 Worst Movies of 2000" list, especially mine. Normally, a movie that makes one of these lists might not be a TOTAL loss, mainly because all the other movies released in that year were the next Braveheart, Schindler’s List, Silence of the Lambs or Deuce Bigalow Male Giggolo, but Little Nicky really is THAT DAMN BAD! I mean, even amongst a sea of 2000's worst, like Dude! Where’s My Car, Bring It On! , and, uggh, Battlefield Earth, Little Nicky still comes out as an awful pile of CRAP! Not normal human crap, but really squishy and syrupy baboon crap, from a baboon with a very bad case of rot gut and rectal cancer... now THAT is some pretty shitty crap! Get it, "shitty crap"?! Yeah, well if you didn't like that joke then you're gonna be REALLY non-tertained once the opening credits role on Little Nicky...
We open with a rotund pervert (Jon Lovitz) in a tree doing a little "bird watching", before a young cub scout shoots him down with a slingshot. In the fall the guy apparently snaps a vertebrae or two, leaving him dead and on the long fall to Hell. When he gets there, he's met by Satan's doorman (Kevin Nealon, who later gets the nickname "tit-head" for a very good reason...), who introduces the guy to his eternal damnation: a 6ft raven hopped up on Viagra... well, a guy in a bird suit anyway. From here we meet our title hero Nicky (Adam "so annoying you can't help but want to stab him in the face repeatedly" Sandler). Nicky is a heavy metal loving son of Satan, who's not exactly the embodiment of evil like he should be. You could call him the "white sheep" of the family. Anyway, Nicky and his sinister brothers Cassius (Tony Lister, A.K.A. Tiny "Zeus" Lister) and Adrian (some guy from The Replacements) are called forth by their daddy Satan (Harvey Keitel) because he has an important announcement. Cassius and Adrian are hoping daddy will finally retire and turn his throne over to one of them, as for Nicky, he just wants to go back to his Van Halen. But, much to the chagrin of the two evil brothers, poppa decides to instead stay on as the Prince of Darkness for another 10,000 years, which makes Nicky rather relieved. He feels that Cassius and Adrian are too evil and that Nicky is, well, too fucking retarded. Sadly, this is true, as our hero is incompetent, as well as ugly thanx to a shovel shot by Cassius when Nicky was younger. The assault left the lad with a distorted visage and an annoying stutter... which we have to put up with for over an hour and a half.
Unhappy with their dad's decision, Cassius and Adrian decide to head to Earth, to make a Hell of their own, over which they'll rule and make the lives of all the mortals into non-stop agony! To do so, they must exit the gates of Hell, which causes the fires at the gates to freeze, blocking out the entrance from those lost souls attempting to enter. To make matters worse, if no fresh souls get into Hell, then Satan will begin to decay and fall apart, completely obliterated if the gates of Hell are not thawed out within a week's time. The only way to thaw the gates is to bring back Cassius and Adrian through them, both at the same time no less... looks like it's time for Satan to join a leper colony. Seeing as how Satan is busy falling apart and dying and shit, it looks like it's up to Nicky to go to Earth (more specifically NYC) and capture his wayward siblings in a magical gin flask and bring them back, which won't be an easy task, since Cassius is a lumbering brick shithouse of muscles and Adrian's got a cunning intellect like Dr. Moriarty. Despite the overwhelming odds, we all know that Nicky will come out on top, sadly enough. Oh, and if Nicky gets killed, not to worry, as, since he's the son of Satan, he can just go back to Earth after being sent to Hell again. This of course turns into a running gag that gets old fast after Nicky's 3rd or 4th hike into the path of an oncoming bus, truck, or any other large steel object traveling at great speed. Nicky won't be alone in his quest though, as Satan has sent an old friend of his named Beefy... no, he's not a stripper, he's a dog... a big fat bulldog with a dick that puts mine to shame. Wonder if he's the same pooch that insisted all that Son of Sam stuff...
As for his brothers, they're busy possessing religious and political big wigs and influencing citizens to give up their faiths and values and instead embrace the fun that comes with sinning! Nicky meanwhile travels the city, trying to get people into the flask, suspecting everyone he meets of being one of his sinister siblings. Mid-day though, he gets tired and takes a quick nap, in which he gets robbed of the flask (and a fried chicken leg) by the father from "The Wayans Bros". Thanx however to a couple of metal heads who've come to worship him, Nicky searches out the thief and recovers his flask with a little help from innocent young flower Valerie (Patricia Arquette), who of course become Nicky's love interest in cookie-cutter fashion. And, just like any other love story, there needs to be a conflict between the two, as Adrian possesses Nicky's body long enough to harass Valerie and flip her the California Hello. She understandably stomps off upset, leaving Nicky all sad and lonely again. Afterwards, Nicky is coached by Beefy in the use of his own demonic powers, as he realizes the only way to beat Adrian and Cassius is to fight fire with fire... or in this case, hellfire with hellfire. After turning a can of Coke to Pepsi (he's so evil), Nicky's ready to go, stopping down to a Harlem Globetrotters' game, where Cassius has possessed the referee, intending to give the 'Trotters their first loss. And you know how New Yorkers are about their sports teams! If the Globetrotters lose, Harlem's likely to go all Rodney King on the city! But, using his newly developed demon powers, Nicky defeats Cas in a game of one-on-one and suckers him into wrapping his lips around the flask, which sucks him in and traps him. We knew which was stronger, and I guess we know which one was also stupider too.
After the game, Nicky and his new metal head amigos chomp down on some hashish birthday cake, getting Nicky stoned, just like any other freshman frat flick. The dope does give Nicky the balls to seek out Valerie though, as he stalks her to her apartment. After she settles down from the initial heart attack, Nicky and Valerie talk out their differences, he tells her about his supernatural lifestyle, and it's officially love. Meanwhile, not eager to wind up cramped like Cassius, Adrian possesses the Chief of Police and puts out a $50 million reward on the nitwit's head (along with that goofy ass hair that accompanies it). The charge? He imposes a picture of Nicky onto Pacino's body in a scene out of SCARFACE, saying it's a surveillance video of Nicky going on a quick and violent spree... and yes, the people of New York are stupid enough to believe it. Actually, for $50mil, I'd believe my mom was an international terrorist and turn her in too. This sets the city against him, chasing him through the streets and forcing him to seek an 8 legged escape... make that 800. Then Nicky's heavy metal friends surprise no one, as they head to the fuzz to turn in their demonic counterpart. Can't really blame 'em though can you? I mean, $50mil will buy a LOT of hash and Iron Maiden tickets! But, it all turns out to be a trap for Adrian... a trap that fails as Adrian superior intellect wins out. It ends without mental combat though, as Nicky, in an attempt to save Valerie from Adrian's clutches, winds up struggling with Adrian and they both turn up as a greasy red mess on the front of a subway train... that's something like 4 now for the moron...
Since Nicky died sacrificing himself for Valerie, he instead goes to Heaven this time, where he meets his real mom for the first time. Yep, not unlike Jesse Custer (click the rolling head at the bottom of the page for more on this unholy holy man), Nicky is the product of a one-time roll in the sack by a demon and an angel. This scene gives us another reason not to aspire for the "Graces" of Heaven, as all the angels are eternally teens. Not just any teens, but the brain-dead teenage girls who shop at the Gap, talk like extras in CLUELESS, watch the WB every night for its "fine" programming, and are likely the only kinds of people who actually still pay money to go to an Adam Sandler movie anymore. The only thing women like that are good for is beating on, gagging, and fucking like there's no tomorrow. Other than that, they should never be heard and never be allowed to contribute to anything, because they have nothing more to contribute than their image obsessed flesh. Well, while Nicky chats with mommy and her friends, Adrian has returned to Hell, where he finds his beloved father is no longer anything but a disembodied mouth and a pair of arms. With poppa in such a weakened state, Adrian takes this golden opportunity to take over the throne and powers of Hell, and someone (i.e. Nicky) doesn't stop him and save Satan before midnight, this is going to be a permanent arrangement! Not two minutes into his coupe and already Adrian starts the evil and chaos on a high note, opting to bring Hell to Earth, where he plans to put everyone on the planet through one big holocaust so he can torture them all for the rest of eternity! Gotta love a guy with ambition, right ladies? Sure enough, the only person that can stop him is Nicky, however unlikely it may be, as he has his mom send him down to Central Park to take out his dastardly brethren. Before he leaves though, his mom gives him some gift passed down by God that looks like a big light-up Christmas ornament... man God's cheesy.
Only by using his "inner light" powers (and fueled by the Scorpions' "Rock You Like A Hurricane"... uggh) can Nicky hope to beat his brother and his legions of demon spawn. The battle is quick, as somehow both hero and villain wind up inside the flask along with the previously incarcerated Cassius. They ALL then fight inside the bottle until Adrian and Nicky escape. Adrian, in a desperate attempt to avoid the enchanted silver booze carrier, transforms into a bat in hopes of running the clock out and getting his permanent seat as the head of the lake of fire. With no other ideas, Nicky smashes the glowing orb given to him by God, and from within comes... Ozzy Osbourne. A true gift of the Godz. As you can probably guess, he bites off Adrian's head (remember, he's still a winged rodent) and spits it into the flask. Nicky then grabs the flask, has Valerie kill him with a big rock, and he goes back through the Gates of Hell, thawing out the flames and starting the flow of souls again, rejuvenating Satan and putting him back in power. As for Cassius and Adrian, their new little silver home is put in a, uhm, cramped and secure place... just trust me here. Since Satan's staying on his throne another couple of millennia though, Nicky's really got nothing to look forward to in the dark pits of Hell, so he asks for daddy's permission to go back to Earth with his snaggle-toothed love Valerie. In our bland epilogue, Nicky and Valerie get married, have a son, and she straightens Nicky out with an "accidental" shovel shot to the face... hey, money or not, I'd plow Adam Sandler in the face with a shovel too. As for Beefy, he marries his ex-girlfriend the sewer rat and they too have ugly ugly children. As for the stoned out heavy metal dudes, they use the money they got from "turning Nicky in" to buy Led Zeppelin's old tour jet... which they crash soon after. The duo then gets sent to Hell, where they take up residence in their pal Nicky's old room and live the rest of eternity in head banger paradise... good, now it's over!
Ever since THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, comedies have been getting more and more crude and childish in their humor. Adam Sandler seems torn between whether he should be doing Beavis and Butthead humor or family films, as was the case with BIG DADDY. His reassuring messages of "the retarded loser can still come out on top" are getting real old, and were long before BILLY MADISON ever sparked in Sandler's head. The crude humor (like tits on Kevin Nealon's head) and gay jokes were hilarious... when I was 9. Frankly, I'm disturbed that this was rated PG-13, when you take into consideration the use of the word "fuck" and the site of bare tits... even if they were on Kevin Nealon's head. Rating or not though, I really don't care, as I laughed maybe twice in the whole film, and I can't even remember when those tragic moments were. I enjoyed the supporting cast, as even Rodney Dangerfield got a couple smirks out of me, probably just because I was thinking about how sad and pathetic his life has gotten and how I still refuse to kill him after all these years of begging. This is what MEET WALLY SPARKS gets you, ya fat old fuck! The FX were pretty good and the story was kinda okay I guess, but in a comedy the most important thing is the humor, and that's DEFFINATELY what Little Nicky was not. Fuck this Hollywood bullshit, I'm gonna go watch GALACTIC GIGOLO...
Speaking of the supporting cast, have you ever wondered where ex-cast members of "Saturday Night Live" go after they realize that no one wants them on television or starring on movie screens? They go to Adam Sandler to get bit parts in HIS movies. Little Nicky alone features Dana Carvey as a possessed basketball referee, Micheal McKean as the possessed Chief of Police, Ellen Cleghorn as a spectator to the Globetrotters' game, Rob Schneider reprising his role as the The Waterboy's "you can do it" guy, as well as the previously mentioned Kevin Nealon as "tit-head" the gatekeeper and Jon Lovitz as the "bird watcher". But, don't fear, because the cast isn't made up ENTIRELY of former SNL alumni, but it also includes Dan Marino as himself, Clint Howard as the art school cross-dresser "Nipples", Quentin Tarantino as a blind street preacher, Rodney Dangerfield as grandpa Lucifer, John Goodman as Satan's secretary, and of course, Henry Winkler as himself... covered in bees! Such an extensive cast for such a bad movie... and yet, I'm not the least bit surprised.
The Moral of the Story: People will do anything for the right price... just look at all of the sorry shitheads and hemorrhoid goblins who got roped into this eternal blemish on their cinematic resumes!
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- If you and your friends are retarded (or you're trying to sucker stupid loose girls into your basement), then sure, add this to an Adam Sandler marathon. Otherwise, get the fuck out of my site.
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Repeated nut/cunt shots with a rake handle. You'll feel the kind of pain you're submitting your brain to and hopefully you'll stop helping pay for this celluloid crap. This is your brain :::pulls out an egg::: This is your brain on Adam Sandler movies :::proceeds to shove the egg up a crack whore's loose asshole::: Any questions?
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