When I began my venture into the world of comicbooks, I did so to the tune of Marvel's "The Incredible Hulk". I remember my first issue was #379, two issues following the now classic "merging of the beasts" in issue 377, in which Bruce Banner, The Hulk and Joe Fix-It were all merged into one big green beefcake with the brain of a nuclear physicist and the quick wit of a Las Vegas tough guy. This collaboration came to be known as "The Professor" Hulk and it was a storyline that pulled me into comicbooks and made the four-color format a major part of my "all for entertainment" lifestyle... though it seems like this has nothing to do with a Full Moon movie about a planet where "cowboys and Indians" has become "cowboys and aliens", just hold your Fast Forward buttons and keep reading. These issues of "The Incredible Hulk" were a starting point for me, but they were just a drop in the bucket for Mr. Peter David, whose 12 year run on the title brought about some of the green guy's most critically acclaimed stories ever. Peter blends humor with fantasy with down-to-Earth stories and out pops some of the most entertaining stories I've ever seen. Mr. David doesn't just stick to comicbooks though, as he's branched out into all forms of media, including novels, television work, movie and, well, other comicbooks. Sadly, much of Peter's work goes into crap associated with various incarnations of that Tribble humping franchise known as Star Trek, but when I heard a LONG time ago that David would be sticking his nose into the film genre of sci-fi action, I knew where my eyes would be peeled: at the video store. Anyway, here we have it, written by a true demigod of comicdom, Mr. Peter David, uhm, and some other guys... comes Oblivion.
Normally not a fan of Westerns myself, I am a fan of the tolerable days of Full Moon (early-mid '90s), from which this movie crawled. Though it doesn't feature any of the Full Moon trademarks (Jeffrey Combs, Tim Thomerson or toys with a taste for flesh), you can some how feel the typical Full Moon is high in the sky this night. Though many critics feel it necessary to compare this to the sci-fi western Westworld, I've yet to see this old time robo-cowboys shoot 'em up, so I can look at Oblivion with an uninfluenced pair of eyes. First off, the title refers to a future planet where the stereotypes of the old west gets all futuristic upgrades. Despite the standard science fiction fare like spaceships and lasers, it's the little details that are the most amusing. For instance, people no longer hang around saloons all day playing poker with common playing cards, instead they play with little video poker handhelds. There are also ceiling fans hanging from the buildings, which I imagine is more for decoration than any practical use. The Sheriff's tin badge isn't just for show anymore either, it's actually the control badge for a personal force field which protects the Marshall during gunfights, which seems a little underhanded and cowardly for a law man, wouldn't you say? Also, you no longer have to depend on the speed and accuracy of simple HUMAN deputies anymore, as cyborgs will fill the job nicely! In addition to the new technologies present in the Future West (or the New Future Old West... I think), the dangers are also beefed up. The scourge of the dessert is no longer the lowly scorpion, but it's irradiated, Schwarzeneggerian cousins of the future, the massive Night Scorps. The villains are no longer scruffy looking vagrants in dirty buckskins, but leather-clad hybrids of human and reptile that can regenerate limbs... If you're expecting True Grit or The Outlaw Josie Wales or American Outlaws, then I hope by now you realize it's not to be... which is lucky for those of you who were thinking about American Outlaws. The only thoughts people should be having of that are, "I wonder if this videocassette will make good starting material for a fire to burn down Les Mayfield's house while he and his family are still inside" or "can the edges of this DVD be sharpened to the point that I can use it to cut through Les Mayfield's jugular as thrown from a far enough distance that I don't need to be within range of hearing his retarded ideas?"... I'll get you Les Mayfield, and your little bag of shitty projects too!
As our flick opens, we find the Marshal Stone of Oblivion playing a hand of poker at the local bordello run by Miss Kitty (Julie Newmar, one of the Catwomen of the Adam West "Batman" tv show), winning with the infamous "Deadman's Hand" of aces and eights, the same hand that Wild Bill supposedly had when he lost his life to a bullet in the back. Sure, you can smell the end is near for the Marshal, and to make matters more set in stone, Oblivion's mortician, the giant of a man monster Mr. Gaunt (The Addams Family's Carel "Lurch" Struycken), appears at Miss Kitty's place, which is always an ominous tiding that somebody's gonna die... ALWAYS. Just then, who should call the Marshal out into the street for an impromptu laser duel jam? Yes, it's our villain, bad ass of the spaceways, the reptilian humanoid lawbreaker known as Red Eye (Andrew "Djinn" Divoff, pre-Wishmaster). So, the Marshal powers up the personal force field on his badge, grabs his sidearm and tells his clunking metal cyborg deputy Stell Barr (Meg Foster) to stand aside as he shows off his penis size. What the Marshal wasn't prepared for though was a chunk of the anti-technology ore known as Draconium, which Red planted in the ground right where he maneuvered Stone into standing. Not only did this fizzle out his trump card force field, but it also smoked his laser pistol, making for one Boot Hill bound lawman. Yes, evil wins again and the world is a better place! Everybody start singing heavy metal showtunes and let he frolicking and pillaging begin!
Elsewhere in the scorched dunes of the Oblivion wastelands, the Marshal's estranged son Zack Stone pursues his career as a failed prospector in search of the Draconium vein that will make a name for his tired ass and make him money the "easy" way. See, there are the kids who say they want to be firemen when they grow up, then there are the kids who want to grow up to be super monster firemen who transform into 60ft tall robots and wrestle grown men in rubber costumes... then there's Zack, who just wanted to be a grizzled prospector, dag nab it. While trodding around the sands looking for his big score, Zack comes across a weather beaten Indian-type, tied down in the harsh climates who's become the target for an oversized, carnivorous insect known as a Scorp. Being the reluctant hero he is, Zack saves the man who introduces himself as Buteo (Jimmie "Puppet Master" Skaggs... I just like to say his name, Jimmie Skaggs, it sounds so much like a dirtbag informant that the Punisher or Daredevil might shake down for info on mob activities). Buteo basically becomes Zack's hetero lifemate and sidekick, the Tonto to his Lone Ranger, the Sancho Panza to his Don Quixote, the Robin to his Batman, the uhm... the... Captain Kirk to his Mr. Spock... oh come on, we all know Spock was the man in charge! Kirk was just the eye candy for the green space chicks! Which makes you want to cry when Bill Shatner is the sex object of the group... then again, referring to him as a "sex object" just makes me think of a giant black dildo bobbing back and forth with a bad wig and failed attempts at acting... okay, this is both too funny and just plain creepy, so let's move on.
It turns out that Red and his gang just happen to be the thugs who killed Buteo's family and left him out to die in the desert. While the two are sipping their hot cocoas and trading stories about their crappy lives, the dead man Gaunt appears from nowhere with the grim tidings of Marshal Stone's fatal dueling incident. So, the two saddle up and return to Oblivion with Gaunt, Buteo to seek the ones one which he intends to wreak hefty bags of vengeance and Zack to say adios to his dead daddy. Upon their triumphant return, Zack instantly starts scoping out Mattie, the widowed owner of the Oblivion General Store, a delicate flower that I'd love to pluck, or at least watch plucked by several men and women with talented green thumbs... The bad guys are still in town of course, causing trouble for all who dare oppose them, including roughing up Mattie's store and making unfriendly moves on her. With Red are his leather clad henchwoman Lash and her electrified bullwhip, the incredibly brawny, incredibly braindead and incredibly unfraggable Bork (Irwin Keyes, who also played goons in both The Exterminator and Exterminator 2), the mariachi madman known as Wormhole (who appears to enjoy getting his wormhole probed if you ask me) and finally, some guy with a beard. Yes, the notorious "guy with a beard", most ruthless of the intergalactic henchmen... you can't escape him, so don't even try... his beard will stalk you to the ends of the Earth, then kill your children while you watch.
Everyone looks to young Zack to take up his father's badge in the face of such overwhelming villainy, but there's a little problem: Zack's an empath. No, not a pacifist, he has no problem with violence, he's an empath, meaning he suffers the pain of those around him. He can't gun down another man or woman, because he'll suffer the same pain. Whether it can kill him or not isn't really covered, but we just know it's an unimaginable pain that he doesn't intend to bring on himself. Besides, isn't the deputy supposed to be the law in town? Well, scratch that idea, since she is a cyborg after all, meaning Red's Draconium supply makes her about as dangerous as a can opener, and I'm not talking about one of those hand can openers that are all sharp on one end and could be used as a possible eye-gouging utensil, but those electric can openers that are not only dull as the smooth side of a spork, but the magnetic piece doesn't even hold the can in place. We've all had them given to us for weddings, graduations and birthdays, and we all know how truly nightmarish they can be. I'm still bludgeoning my Uncle Tony over that one... So, here's the situation: the hombres are running rough shot over Oblivion and the only heroes are a simpering weenie boy empath, a tin can deputy whose warranty just ran out and an Indian guy on the path of avenging his lost family... looks like Buteo's got a lot riding on his shoulders.
Speaking of which, he starts his road of revenge with Wormhole, challenging him to an arm wrestling match. On either side of the table, we've got deadly little cacti that secrete a fatal poison to which their is no cure. As if that weren't enough, Buteo ups the odds with his new little pet purchased at the Oblivion pet shop, a creature known as the Mahn Ding that feeds on fear... and eyeballs. Basically, if one of the "wrestlers" starts to sweat under the pressure, the Ding's gonna make a meal out of him! Of course Buteo is the victor, but the real prize here is for fanboys, more specifically Marvel Comics fanboys who will recognize one of Buteo's lines as being an almost word-for-word "borrowing" of a tagline for a certain slimy, swamp plant covered superhero creature from the Marvel line-up who once had his own series and now pops up on occasion when Marvel's looking for a little retro kisch... as always, I've just completely alienated the non-fanboy audience, so I'll get back on the choo-choo tracks and shut my crap yapper. Like I said, Buteo wins, but his vengeful victory comes at a heavy price when Red and the other thugs snatch him up and tie him down in town square, where Lash puts down one of those "far too painful to be even moderately arousing" public whippings with her sizzling bullwhip, living up to her namesake and putting our sidekick into a world of hurt. Zack finally balls up for the first time in his life though, just in the nick to play hero. But, how can he get around inflicting pain on others though, and still pose a threat to the bad guys?
"I don't want to hurt anyone. But unfortunately you happen to be standing right where my gun's about to go off.". Sure, it sounds like a bad Johnny Cochran defense ("My client did not stab the people in question to death, they simply got in the way of where he happened to be swinging his knife! You can't throw a man in prison for making a sandwich, then getting into an accident caused by the unfortunately stupid white people who stumbled in his way! If I'm full of shit, you must acquit!"), but it works well enough in saving Buteo from a full power spanking of death. In the process, Zack's forced to gun down several of Red's less prominent henchmen, including one of the man-lizard's arms in a slow-motion exchange of ammunition on Main Street... which, come to think of it, is pretty much the ONLY street in Oblivion. As a counter offensive to Zack's counter offensive, Red and his remaining baddies Lash and Bork kidnap Mattie, making happy trails with her off into the badlands and their secret mountain hideout! Before you can say, "what a surprise" with enough sarcasm to put down a charging rhino at 50 paces, Zack, Stell and Buteo are hauling ass to save the damsel in distress. It's not long before everything works out and the good beat the bad and the ugly. After the two sides pair off to beat each other up (Zack vs. Red Eye, Buteo vs. Lash and Stell vs. Bork) for a while, Red Eye, who regenerated his wayward appendage, takes a nose dive into a pit of them giant, carnivorous scorpion monsters and winds up torn to pieces and eaten alive (I don't think he'll be regenerating from that anytime soon) and Lash makes the mistake of putting her whip to Bork, who's none-too-pleased and chases her leather tight ass into the sunset, never to be heard from again... until the sequel. The day is saved, Mattie and Zack hook up and the good people of Oblivion have a new Marshal to save their sorry, ungrateful, and ever vulnerable asses.
Though never a fan of the western genre, Oblivion entertained me, even beyond the fanboy biases I hold for it. If you're like me, you can pick out the Peter David elements easily: whenever I laughed. Plus, tell me the idea of an empath being forced into a potentially violent situation with ruthless criminals isn't something to raise an eyebrow at and stroke the sad little attempt at a goatee you've been trying to grow since 6th grade. The villains ranged. Divoff was great as Red Eye, Lash was muy caliente, Wormhole could've been used more and Bork, well, Bork was just the standard "big goofy slob", not a whole lot of depth there. If the main characters didn't entertain you, then not to fear, aside from those mentioned above, other cult figures make their appearances in Oblivion. Isaac Hayes, the man responsible for the forever groovy Shaft theme ("yo' daaaaaamn right!") and the voice of Chef on "South Park", appears as a trading post owner and George "Mr. Sulu" Takei earns his paycheck as Oblivion's drunken physician/mechanic who has a tendency to break into "Star Trek" jokes that range from bad to slightly-better-than-bad. Maybe it takes a Trekkie... Speaking of humor, though I did get the occasional shit and/or giggle (yes, I actually found the Bingo scene to be funny), some of the comedy just made me groan in dull and relentless pain. But it's Full Moon, I'm just thankful I got as much out of the movie as I did!
The same year he worked on Oblivion, Peter David also did another Full Moon flick, this one of course being the fourth installment of their popular Trancers series, titled Trancers 4: Jack Of Swords, along with it's sequel Trancers 5: Sudden Deth as well as the sequel to Oblivion, titled Backlash: Oblivion 2. Though I feel the sequel didn't live up to Oblivion (nor did I think any of the Trancers sequels lived up to their original source material), I'll stand by this film, even when others won't. Not even my close friend... well, not so close anymore, but we were back in high school... and fellow H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. member, George, was all that thrilled with Oblivion, and we tend to agree on a lot of movie preferences. But, his loss was my gain, as I purchased this unloved film from him for $3 and it's still a prized selection of my collection. Then again, that very collection also contains copies of The Glove: Lethal Terminator, Ed And His Dead Mother and Zombie Nightmare, so you can see another reason why I enjoy Oblivion so much...
The Moral of the Story: C-grade pop culture rejects don't go to Branson Missouri to die as we were told to believe, they go to Oblivion.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- What's not to jazz about here? Wild West cowboys! Giant claymation scorpions! Andrew Divoff as a lizard man desperado! George Fucking Takei as a drunkard! Rock it like you stole it!
Sequel: Backlash: Oblivion 2
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Dollman or Ice Pirates
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