This, my followers, is one of the most depressingly sad and pathetic Direct-to-Video horror/sci-fi flix I've ever had the disdain of being forced to watch while strapped to a Lay-Z-Boy covered in shards of broken glass and rusty nails while clowns dressed in leather dominatrix outfits slap me about the face with sacks of doorknobs... which happens more than you'd think.
If you're the kind of person who picks this film up at Blockbuster and thinks, "Oooooo! I like Octopi! It's about time someone came up with a movie to compensate for the agony and drudgery of Tentacles!", then listen to the words of your favorite Death God, and NEVER, EVER rent Octopus! If you don't trust me, then trust the same words, only said by my Unholy Succubus Kristina, who adores our slimy, 8 legged brothers of the deep, and whom hated this movie as much as I did. Wretched film, you are an insult to cephalopods everywhere! And other mollusks too, damn it! Won't someone PLEASE think of the mollusks?!
Based on the time period of this "film"'s release (2000), I'd say the producers were going for a mix of the "submarine in trouble" popularity of U-571 with the "mother nature don't take no shit" theme of Godzilla mixed in, then tossed in a liberal dose of the corny humor ever present in the US Navy for added spice. The result? Well, I guess you could call it 2000 Leagues Under McHale’s Navy’s Hunt for Red October... or you can go by the abridged title of Utter Shit. In this case, I think the latter rolls off the tongue much smoother... though the thought of any shit rolling off my tongue is starting to make me very ill, so I'll move on.
Remember that whole "Cuban Missile Crisis" mix-up we had a few years back? Sure you do! Even if you're too young to have been there, or you've slept through every American History class between 5th grade and your Junior year at Vasser ("I've had just about enough of your Vasser bashing young lady!"), surely you learned something about it from the John Goodman film Matinee! Oops, no one saw Matinee... my mistake. Anyway, that little blemish on US historical records apparently doesn't mention the downing of a Russian nuclear ("it's pronounced "nuke-u-ler") submarine, which left its radioactive payload all over the ocean floor. Amidst that payload, an unlucky octopus was mutated, its genes more than a little fucked up, a trait which it would pass down for several generations that resulted in larger, angrier octopedial sea creatures, such as the title antagonist of this movie.
I know what you're saying, "Enough with the biology lesson Bill Nye, get with the killer sea monster!". I thank you for not calling me Mr. Wizard, as that would seriously anger me, so allow me to move on to our tale. It's not really much of a story, and it sure as Hell isn't executed with enough style to keep my attention (let alone to make me sit here and wax on about it for paragraph after paragraph), so I'll fast forward you ahead with a short summary: there's a rookie agent of some kind of government agency (FBI, CIA, IRS, DMV, they're all the same) by the name of Roy. As if the name Roy wasn't bad enough, the guy's a pussy amongst pussies. He lacks the pity charm of your everyday dolt, yet maintains the annoying ignorance of your everyday movie character. Many a time did I, a Death God of composure, find myself throwing empty enema bags and leftover shrimp Lo Mein at the motel's tv screen, shouting at the top of my lungs, "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU BLITHERING NIMROD! HOW DID AN INSIPID MONGOLOID LIKE YOU GET INTO AN ELITE GOVERNMENT AGENCY?!". Needless to say, I received many an angry phone call from the proprietors of the Sunrise Motel that fateful night. As for what purpose our nitwit hero serves, Roy finds himself escorting a notorious US Embassy bomber named Casper via submarine to stand trial in America. Why such unusual and sub-aquatic means? Seems Casper not only shares his name with the restless spirit of Richie Rich, but he's also a member of a dangerous collusion with goals to *ka-boom* many more US embassies. This collusion is also feared to have their sights set on freeing their captive partner, hence the submarine.
But, Roy and Casper aren't alone on this oceanic quest, because we're also stuck with the sub's zany crew of rule bending mischief makers and half-wits. Amidst these incompetent seamen (go ahead and laugh) are the snide Captain Shaw, the token black guy, and the sluttiest whore of an Oceanographer you'll ever see in Miss Dr. Lisa Finch... Roy's love interest... it's so sad when your love interest is the crew's communal bicycle. The original purpose of the crew's mission is so Dr. Finch can do some hands on (on what, her ass?) research of a nasty strip of H2O known as "The Devil's Eye". The Eye has been the site of numerous ships' disappearances (20-30 actually) over the years. If you guessed that these downed ships are courtesy of our title science fair experiment gone awry, then give yourself a gold star and take off that "Mommy says I'm special!" helmet. Of course, while scouring the ocean floor, our crew winds up stranded. This obviously being the perfect chance for our human villain Casper to slip his bonds and murder half the cast fodder, with the other half becoming chow for the evil sushi god residing on the floor of The Devil's Eye. The only escapees (our main characters) manage to find their way to the surface and hitch a ride aboard a conveniently passing cruise ship, the end... or is it?... uhm, well... hate to disappoint you, but no, this isn't the end. Turns out the ship's not so conveniently placed after all, as it has been hijacked by Casper's amigos and its course rerouted to intercept the path of the transport sub... boy them terrorists is smart people.
Not only has the ship been hijacked, but Casper and pals plan to blow it up after a hasty escape by whirlybird, along with the passengers and our limber-tailed hero, Roy. Pathetic little Roy lucks out though, as the bad guys do NOT make their escape, instead devoured by the massive octopus, who is much LARGER than the cruise ship! Impaled, mauled and made juicy morsels, Casper and his gang go down, their chopper dragged into the murky depths to their imminent doom... now if only Roy would go as easily. This is sadly not meant to be though, as Roy instead finally utilizes the testicles his parents gave him, grabs the bomb wired to the ship, and lodges it into the overgrown Squidley Didley's gullet, blowing it to many many pieces of fried fish, saving the passengers and earning himself the love and admiration (i.e. sexual favors) of the hormonally engulfed Dr. Fincher. A crappy ending to compliment a crappy film perfectly. I feel so dirty for even watching it.
The FX were decent, nothing to be ashamed of, with CGI that's at least on par with those found in an episode of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys", which isn't really a bad thing, especially for a D-t-V movie such as this. However, above average computer generated images cannot make up for a sad excuse of a cast playing characters that are about as endearing as crucifixion... I'm of course talking about being crucified yourself, not watching it happen to someone else, cuz... well... that's just hilarious! An octopus the size of a cruise ship is good, but talentless zombies delivering pale dialogue (not to mention we don't even get ONE shot of Fincher's globes or gotch, despite her whoriness) do not a Death God please.
The Moral of the Story: An octopus can kill you with 8 tentacles or 100 minutes of videotape. Either way, it's gonna hurt.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Giant octopus action aside, there's a lot of "story" to drag your ass around to get to the final pay-off. Not to mention the bad acting and general stupidity that lays heavy in the air... Pass it if you can help it. Best left for theme parties and definitely for early viewing before everybody gets snoozy on ya.
Sequel: Octopus 2: River of Fear
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Tentacles or The Beast
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