"I absolutely believe in God... and I absolutely hate the fucker". Few lines in movie history have spoken volumes like this one from Vin Diesel in
Pitch Black. All "Egyptian God of Death & Embalming" semantics aside, I believe there is a higher power, and I do in fact hate the fucker myself. He/She/It has got it out for me, this I've come to know in the *cough*cough* years I've been on this condemnable orb. From numerous failed relationships to backstabbing by people once proclaimed as friends to various forms of financial suicide to a miserable station in life to a growing number of physical ailments to, yes, this failed and miserable attempt at a website, that arrogant supreme bitch of a deity who is responsible for running existence has singled me out for their own personal stress ball. So, to summarize my life, it sucks and I blame everyone but myself, especially all powerful figments of some 2000+ year old Arab guy's imagination with way too much time on his hands to chronicle his delusions. Now that we've got that bit of therapy out of the way, let us proceed with yon review, fair malcontents!
Writer/Director David Twohy has shown us what his writing abilities amount to in movies like Critters 2: The Main Course, Impostor, G.I. Jane, Waterworld and the first two Warlock movies (you know, the ones with Julian Sands), and has also shown his ability to double duty by writing and directing Charlie Sheen's forgettable close encounter movie The Arrival... all in all a pretty mixed bag of hits and misses. However, it seems Twohy's evolved from his days of working with the second biggest disgrace to the Sheen family (the first being Joe Estevez), as he takes the creative reins of Pitch Black and pulls off the best Aliens "inspired" movie in a long, long time! Don't get me wrong, despite that last comment, let it be known that I did thoroughly enjoy this David Twohy journey and actually look forward to it's planned (at least as of this reviewing) sequel. But, before I talk about any sequels, how about I break character and stick to the topic at hand...
Our tale takes place in the future, damned if I know where and damned if I know when, someplace in space at a time that isn't now, that's all that you need to know. A galactic transport vessel (i.e. "space ship") runs into a little trouble when it has to make an unscheduled landing (i.e. "crashes to it's fiery doom") on a seemingly deserted planet. Of the fatalities involved in the accident, 31 people die, one of which happens to be the pilot. Somehow I doubt that really matters now, since there isn't exactly a lot to pilot anymore... Of all the dead bodies splattered all over the landscape, there are a few who aren't so dead. Included in our band of the "lucky" are an Islamic wise man named Imam and his three servants/sidekicks/lackeys, a young girl named Jack (she tries to pass herself off as a boy), a space faring antiques dealer named Paris who's Webster's definition of "British" (despite sharing a name with the capital city of France), the ship's co-pilot Carolyn, a merc bounty hunter by the name of William Johns, along with his latest catch: an intergalactic murdering psychopath known as Richard Riddick... yeah, I know, "Dick Riddick", it's amusing, let's leave it there. These aren't the only ones, as there are a few others, like some guy named Zeke (played by an actor who incidentally shares a name with one of my high school "chums"), but they won't matter much longer anyway, because this is far from being a friendly planet our team has stranded themselves on! Early on Riddick makes his escape into the cruel surrounding desert landscape, leaving us with the gnawing question, "Okay, will this degenerate into a Friday The 13th Part 42: Lawrence Of Arabia In Space or is there something else out there waiting to dig into our heroes?". Either way we know these people are in for some death, and I for one am eager for it!
When some of the party goes out to search for water (luckily the atmosphere is not only breathable, but there's bound to be water somewhere if they look hard enough), what they find is an abandoned outpost, where everything is solar powered (what do you expect on a planet with more than one sun), the occupants have long since dies from some as yet unknown source, and there just happens to be another semi-functional ship! Ah, but as with every fortunate turn in these situations, there's a catch. This particular catch? The ship needs power, meaning the crew has to collect the remainder of functioning power cells from their wreckage and drag their heavy asses all the way back to the outpost. A little hard work never killed anyone though, right? Well, there's still another catch... Speaking of which, while Zeke is digging graves for those who didn't walk away from the crash (but were rather THROWN from it with their heads and body parts going in other directions), he's attacked and killed by an unseen assailant. Upon discovery of the extra's remains, everybody chalks it up to Riddick, who's obviously gone Vorhees and has taken to stalking and killing people one-by-one... or has he? Either way he's recaptured shortly after. His reply to the accusations against him? Check out the cave near the site of Zeke's demise. In the interest of "curiosity killed the cat", Carolyn opts to explore the accused subterranean dwelling, uncovering the true antagonists: a nest of hyper-predatory creatures native to the planet that resemble a hybrid of H.R. Giger's Alien and some iguanas, complete with handlebars strapped to their heads and wings that looks like tendrils hanging off their asses... I know I just described them like a bad Roger Corman experiment, but trust me, they look far cooler than they sound.
With the last minute help of her new friends, Carolyn barely manages an escape from the den of flesh-eating beasties. In an effort to promote brotherhood and unity amongst our tribe, Johns makes a deal with Riddick to cut him free, as long as he agrees to help out in getting everyone evacuated. If he plays nice, Johns will set him free for good and after they get off the planet, Riddick won't have to spend his nights with one eye open, one hand on a weapon and one thumb up his ass anymore. So, the goal now is to get the power cells to the abandoned ship and haul ass away from any wide open jaws looking for marrow to suck from bones like a morbid box of Go-Gurts... if you don't know what these are, ask your local grocer, they're actually quite good when frozen! Then again, so is bone marrow... *SLURP*!
There is one advantage to their situation though, because those monsters are more sensitive to natural light than a whole pub of skinny, pale Irish guys, and on a planet with 3 suns and perpetual light, that's not too shabby... except that this just happens to be the only time every 22 years that the three suns come under a synchronous eclipse, blacking out all light and making every solar powered object from lamps to flashlights (that one might've gone a little high for some of you, so you're forgiven if you missed the joke about solar powered light sources) useless. Oh yeah, it also means that the Morlockian demon beasts under the surface are no longer going to be held at bay and can roam the surface in their ravenous quest for food and things to kill just for the Hell of it. You'd think that horrible and improbable irony like this could only happen in the movies, but you haven't seen my life yet...
To prove that even in the stretches of space in the far fling future kids still have bad taste in role models, the youngest of the group, Jack (remember, girl trying to pass herself off as a boy), starts to emulate Riddick, shaving her head and wearing welding goggles. The emulation goes about as far as physical appearance though, as the kid can't seem to keep her trap shut or keep a straight face half the time, unlike Riddick, who's like granite and gives a cold shoulder that would crystallize the perspiration on anybody's pubic hairs. The real question here is why nobody seems to recognize this kid's of the feminine persuasion other than Rid. Is society completely ambiguous in the age of galactic public transportation? Before you know it things turn interesting, as the eclipse occurs (nobody knows how long) and everybody's gotta do what they can to not only light their path back to the ship, but must also keep the things that go *chomp* in the night at bay. They do have one mild advantage though, as Riddick's not only a heartless killing machine who will rip out the throat of the person nearest to him at the blink of an eye... uhm... why do they have this guy running around unchained again?! Anyway, Rid's got an advantage: his polished eyeballs allow him to see in the dark! Yes, that's correct, I'm not taking obscene doses of allergy medication or drinking Toilet Duck again, Riddick actually has big shiny eyes that, though they kinda make him look like one of those freaky paintings of the kids with the big watery eyes, give him night vision... great, now he can watch the others get eaten in the dark before he too is swarmed upon and turned to bits of cracked bone bleached in the planet's 3 suns...
Utilizing the murderer's ability to make out shapes in the darkness, our team of future victims pack up the power cells, grab whatever light sources they can and set out to make or break the rest of their lives. As if we didn't already know there'd be problems with said lights (after all, what fun is a movie about savage carnivorous alien monsters if we don't get to watch people die horribly?), there's one more element that's going to screw over everybody: the creatures are drawn to the scent of blood, and Jack just happens to be riding the crimson waves... there's that horrible horrible irony again! Half the group decides this is reason enough to kick Jack(ie) out and leave her out as monster bait while they keep on truckin' "Jews out of Pharaoh's land" style, while the other half get all mushy in the heart muscles and veto the idea. This of course leads to the usual Night Of The Living Dead type in-fighting amongst the group, leaving them wide open for the meat of the movie: alien attacks and bloodshed! Dead bodies to the left of me, dead bodies to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle... with you... eh, whatever.
One of the best sequences of the movie occurs around this point with Paris, who winds up cut off from the gang and surrounded by pure darkness, using a mouthful of expensive antique booze and a lighter to relive his days as a fire-eater at the sideshow and illuminate his situation, only to reveal the monsters who have gathered around him. A frightening vision before his untimely demise that works oh so well.
Soon enough, the ranks have been cut down to our last few survivors. Amongst them are Riddick, Jack, Carolyn and Imam, who are almost to the abandoned craft, when Riddick gets me to cheer in the name of evil and pulls the double cross! Yes, with Johns dead now, a victim of sharp teeth and slavering taste buds, Riddick has no one to pose a threat to his bid for freedom... until Carolyn catches up with him and makes a plea to his pussy side... yes, even an interplanetary serial killing man monster can pull a Grinch and spare the Whos in their life. As much as this is bullshit (think Charles Manson or Richard Ramirez would fall for that crap?), Riddick does go softy, rescuing Jack and Imam at Carolyn's request after she refuses to accept his offer to run away somewhere and raise a family of serial killing co-pilots with conflicting moral standards. Though this kinda makes up for Carolyn's inability to perform her co-piloty duties and save the people on her doomed transport ship at the beginning, she does pay dearly for her selfless act, getting ripped in half and ingested by a romantic creature couple who likes to share their food. Times like this bring even a tear to my cold ebon eyes, not for Carolyn's death and sacrifice, but just because it's so sweet to see couple sharing their edibles like a twisted version of Lady & The Tramp. Walt Disney, eat your heart out!... which you could probably do if your cryogenically frozen head were thawed out and your heart wasn't decomposed into nothingness by now.
So, Riddick plays savior to Jackie and Imam, all of whom don't seem to be TOO distraught over the graphic deaths of their group, even Carolyn who they watched dismembered and devoured mere moments prior. This of course leaves the doors wide open for a sequel, but what kind of sequel?
From the current working title, The Chronicles of Riddick, we know it's going to deal with Vin Diesel's bad-ass-turned-hero, but in what respect? Will it be a prequel, depicting the events that made Riddick a feared and devious criminal up to his capture and now infamous transport ride? Or, could it be a sequel that picks up where Pitch Black leaves off? Do Riddick and Jackie kill Imam and eat his remains to survive, then spend the rest of their days as a cannibalistic duo trekking through the stars and devouring unsuspecting victims in a mix of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Space Mutiny? Then again, maybe our trio crash land on a planet of rich people, finding themselves inside a subterranean lair filled with fancy gadgets and vehicles, where Riddick dons a costume somewhat modeled after the creatures he fought in Pitch Black, reforms his ways, proclaims himself the latest nightmare of criminals everywhere and becomes Ridman, with Jackie as his plucky sidekick and Imam as their butler?! Shit, that'd beat out anything Joel Schumacher would try to stuff up our pie holes, as long as George Clooney wasn't cast as Riddick...
Well, all speculation of the sequel aside, allow me to get to the criticisms and put this rabid golden retriever down. Let's bypass all the things we already know: the story was nothing too special, I felt more than a little ripped off by Riddick showing his true (i.e. vaginal) colors, and the cast was good, if for no other reason than this was a big budget movie with a group of no-names and semi-names, with the lead's only previous work as the voice of The Iron Giant, though Vin Diesel is the next Schwarzenegger: a very impressive physical presence and at his best when his speaking time is kept to a bare minimum. After all, who needs words when a few nasty looks and some ass-kicking speak volumes? And just to toss 'em a bone, Cole Hauser was good at making Johns an unlikable asshole and Radha Mitchell makes a believably strong female lead.
As for the production values, one of Pitch Black's more memorable elements is not Twohy's action oriented direction, or his ability to write and execute an entertaining story, but his talent to play with the color schemes and add to the movie's interest value, not unlike the way Dario Argento knew how to manipulate the elements of color for his best work, Suspiria. As with any movie with CGI based creatures, there were goods and bads to the winged ass-faced demons. You can tell the scenes where the FX nerds really put their heart and soul into it, but then you can also pick out the times when they just said, "Fuck this noise, it's time for "The X-Files" motherfucker! All hail Skeletor!" then retreated to their nerd holes to drink Yoohoos and eat curly fries. But, I know the tedium of working with boxes that are far smarter than myself, so I guess I don't blame 'em. Besides, who can resist slurpin' down chocolate soda and greasing your pole to Gillian Anderson? Exactly.
The Moral of the Story: The big rough and tumble murderer guy is always misunderstood and will collapse to his knees like Atlas when in the presence of a sad little kid who needs his help... and they're always has to be at least one of the little shits around in movies like this.
DVD X-tras: You get your basic trailers; bios for cast & crew members; production notes (the film was shot in the same Australian wasteland as long time Tomb of Anubis favorite
Mad Max!) and recommendations for other movies like
Army Of Darkness and
The Thing. Also, we've got a few commentary tracks, the first with Twohy, Diesel and Hauser and the second with Twohy, producer Tom Engelman and FX supervisor Peter Chiang. Last, and certainly least, we've got photos of a rave party held by the studio meant to recreate the multichromatic atmosphere of
Pitch Black... which look like any other fucking rave held in an underground club... other than this, not a bad DVD.
Sequels:The Chronicles of Riddick and The Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- It's plenty of fun and action and monster attack excitement, so yeah, if you're looking to add a little Hollywood gloss to your party, throw it in.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Aliens or
Serenity
FEEDBACK
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
