Long ago, Edward Wood Jr. was an unknown and eccentric director, hidden in the shadow of the Hollywood hills. His imagination far outreached his boundaries, as his BIG ideas were tied down by almost nonexistent budgets. But, despite how cheap his films were and how unprofessional the actors, Ed was always pleased with his films. Obviously he suffered from mild dementia, but you can find out more about him in Tim Burton's excellent film, appropriately titled Ed Wood. So, enough about the man, let's get to the myths behind him...
Plan 9 From Outer Space is not only considered Ed's worst film, but it is considered by many to be the worst film of ALL TIME! Multiple winner of the coveted "Golden Turkey Award", Plan 9 is littered with G-class acting and Y-class special FX. We're talking paper plates on strings here people!
The flick opens under the frighteningly cheesy premise of a television psychic show. Yes, decades before the Psychic Friends Network or Miss Cleo, there was "Criswell's Predictions"! In this exciting episode of Cris's Predictions, Crizy narrates to us a story of terror from the skies, an army of three undead B-actors and dangerously low flying pie plates! Picnics will never be the same...
Narrator or not, Crizy's a seriously bad actor, as you can tell by watching his eyes... he's reading a fucking cue card! You'd think he was watching another movie while belting out his lines in some horrible daze! Anyway, we go on to the actual film, starting it by centering on Bela Lugosi in his final role as that of a depressed widower. But, don't feel bad for him, because his pain is brought to an abrupt end soon enough by an overzealous motorist! Not long after, lunacy runs rampant when a low flying dish, err, I mean, "UFO" is seen hovering above the city. Before you know it, the dead have risen and are eager to kill off their living counterparts in the saucer peoples' Plan 9. What happened to the other 8? Well, they were probably death rays, genetically altered cyborg dinosaurs (can you say FUTURE WAR?) and robot militias that weighed the paper plates down too much and couldn't make it to Earth...
Anyway, the saucers are soon buzzing over many major US cities, including Hollywood and D.C. and we're all screwed because not even grainy military battle footage is enough to stop them and their fishing line support wires! But, how about if we take a look in on our alien invaders and find out why they're doing this? Well, first things first: these "outer space invaders" sure look pretty damn human. The only difference is their clothing, which consists of shiny tunics and outfits they stole from "Gay Shakespeare In The Park" amateur play... and I mean "amateur" in every sense, especially the gay porn sense... doesn't help that the male actor's name is Dudley Manlove...
They let us in on their secret "Plan 9" to resurrect the dead as a way of showing mankind their follies, NOT to destroy them. Just how former pro-wrestler Tor Johnson, TV starlet Vampira and Ed Wood's accountant standing in for the dead-at-this-point Bela Lugosi are going to show humanity it's primitive wrong doings by stumbling around as zombies and killing others is supposed to show us the error of our ways is beyond my grasp, though sadly, at a lean mean 2ft 7in, most things are out of my grasp... no, I'm not a midget, but I play one on TV!
As I was saying, the aliens are all pissy because we as a planet apparently refuse to recognize their existence. Since we're fearful and hate-filled and kill things we don't understand, they think we'll gun them down and destroy them, or that Fox will exploit them in a new David Duchovney buddie sitcom. The reason they're here though is to keep us dumb humans from going ahead and creating a sun destroying device... don't laugh, I'll bet the government's already got four of them in a bunker under the porno shack behind your house! And you thought nobody was watching.
Pissed off by our warlike potential to create a sun popping machine, the invaders have come to stop us, because it's not just OUR sun, but it's their's too so they've come to teach us how to share. But, just when you think it's turned into a twisted version of "Mr. Roger's Universe", a very defensive pilot witnessing the debate gets fed up with these Martian bastards calling us Earthlings "stupid", when THEY'RE the ones in the non-microwave safe uniforms! Problem is, this violent flier is supposed to be defending the Earth's peaceful intents?! We couldn't have put someone more peaceful into this "Earth's future hangs in the balance" situation? I'd put the president (who's always good at hiding true emotions when it's needed) and the Pope (who's always apologizing that his religion sucks and his people are assholes hiding behind a big fictitious book of the world's history) and a Shao-Lin monk (some of the most peaceful guys on the planet, but know how to whip out the good ol' Touch of Death when the time calls for it) into the peace talks, not some buzzcut military shell shock psychopath! Oh well, I guess it's supposed to prove a point and serve as some social commentary about how we really ARE violent and etc. etc. etc.
Not a species to be told what to do by peace loving aliens who can see the future, we take the visitors' warnings of solar destruction and stuff 'em up their intergalactic orifices! Time to do some anal probing of our own! Using little more than good old fashioned fear and brutality, we beat the Martians into submission, forcing them to attempt an escape in their ships with their "peaceful intentions" between their legs and their flying plates on fire! Maybe flammable materials like paper should be disregarded when items to make future spaceships are considered. And so, the flaming craft explodes over the San Fernando Valley area and their zombie forces, which are just casually strolling around their graveyard home the whole time, disintegrate into harmless skeletons. It's okay little Suzy and little Billy, it's all over now. The bad actors are gone and you don't need to fear the erratically flying platters anymore.
Yes, the acting, props, sets and fight choreography were all horrendous, but at least Wood didn't take the cheap and easy way out and make a non-movie film. Yes, during filming the immortal Bela Lugosi proved he wasn't so immortal when he croaked before finishing and Wood decided to just replace Lugosi with a stand in: his accountant/lawyer/whatever. And yes, even though, in the end, Plan 9 feels like a $5 remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still as done by some 13 year olds and their families, watching Ed Wood ruined my usual decree of taking an unwavering non-biased approach toward reviewing movies. Try watching Plan 9 first and point and laugh and realize how hilariously terrible it is by today's standards. Then, watch Ed Wood and get the background on the film and the man who created it and watch Plan 9 again. Seriously, you see it all in a different light. You can forgive the bad FX and the overly dramatic, badly executed lines when you find out just how hard Wood worked (haha, "wood work"). Whether you feel sorry for Ed or you admire him for living out his dream, you really do see his movies from a whole new perspective and may even find it in your heart to forgive the guy for making films we would normally label as CRAP. You might even find a place in your heart for this little film that nobody wanted, though nobody ever really gave it a chance. Now, let me wipe the tears from my eyes from that emotional exchange and support my evil hateful side once more with a grizzled "fuck you, you pathetic worms" and get this done with.
The Moral of the Story: Hating everyone else's opinions and views isn't something the US just started doing in the last 6 or 7 years. Nope, we've always been dicks!
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- It's pure ham and cheese through and through kids. What more could you ask for?! Movies like this are the reason "
Mystery Science Theater 3000" HAD to be brought into this world!
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: The Day the Earth Stood Still or Ed Wood
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