If ANYTHING can bring a smile to my granite evil visage, it's the opening to this cartoon! So many happy memories from my meager childhood summed up in just a few minutes of cheesy theme music and images of pizzas and turtles jumping around my screen and beating the crap out of stuff! WAHOO! Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, your creations have entertained me much, doing a far better job of raising me than my parents ever could! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!!! It started as a little independent black & white comicbook, then went on to become one of the biggest franchises the US has ever seen! The '80s were about careless spending, and all the careless spending directed at me came in the form of Ninja Turtle merchandise! Action figures, comicbooks, posters, videos, clothing, dental care products, dinnerware and even my coveted Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Slip 'N' Slide! My childhood was flooded with green, and I don't mean money! Though, now I wish my life WAS filled with money instead of all this worthless Turtles memorabilia... oh well, there's always e-Bay!
Our story takes place in the Big Apple's rotten core: Manhattan. Crime runs rampant in the once fair city (yeah, like that's new), the latest of which baffles police, as a high tech facility was robbed using what appears to be evidence of ninja weapons. Covering the story is Channel 6 Happy Hour News star reporter April O'Neil, who has a run in with a gang of typical street thugs who have a message from the "Big Boss" to keep her nose out of the word of crime reporting and stick to pretty girly things like fashion shows. The goons chase her into the NYC sewers and corner. Is this the end of Ms. Cleavage Von Fuckpot? Oops, sorry. I hit puberty around the time the Turtles hit the air and April was the first animated babe to receive my patented spunk bath... but she sure as Hell won't be the last! Anyway, just when it looks like April's about to be on the business end of Saturday morning cartoons' first gang rape (except of course that time when Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids got out of hand), the damsel is saved at the last minute by a gang of shadowy figures! The misshapen shadows go on to punk the thugs and April is very appreciative... until she realizes they're oversized turtles wielding ninja weapons! She then proceeds to faith... guess those Roofies won't be necessary after all.
When our heroine awakens, she finds herself in a sewer party pad, greeted by a giant rat in a bath robe offering her sushi and tea... then she faints again. Upon finally overcoming her speech impediment of fainting and pissing her panties, April is regaled by Splinter (the rat) with the story of he and his four turtle ninja students came to be. It all starts back in Japan with a student of the martial arts named Hamato Yoshi, member of the lethal Foot Clan. Unfortunately, Yoshi isn't looked upon too nicely by the greedy ninja Oroku Saki, who gets Yoshi kicked out of the Foot over a whole misunderstanding with a knife and a visiting Foot master. You know what would be great? If the master's name was Baytor! "I apologize to you Master Baytor! I did not mean to walk in on you while you were busy!". Oh man, that'd be wacky! Where was I? Oh yeah, so anyway, Yoshi got booted from the Foot and fled to America, land of shame and humiliation, where he should feel more at home in the sewers. His only friends were the packs of rats infesting the fecal encrusted den, until a pack of stray pet shop turtles dropped in to join him. Back in Japan, the Foot began to stink (sorry, I'll try to lay off the pediatric humor as long as I can), as they became little more than a mob of thieves and muggers in goofy purple pajamas... yep, purple pajamas, the gay pride color. At least they're not ashamed of who they are! More power to ya, you gay ninja warriors you! As for Yoshi, he returned to his lair of piss and shit one day to find his shelled pets wallowing in some glowing pink ooze. After wiping it off them, he got the shock of a lifetime as the four turtles mutated and took on humanoid properties! In addition, on the same hand, Splinter then got shorter and sprouted many rat-like features, including the ears, tail, hair and facial features! Allow me to explain...
The goop these freaks were bathed in is a radioactive composition called Mutagen. When an animal, whether they be human or else wise, comes in contact with the glowing shit, their body takes on properties of the last animal they came in contact with. In this case the turtles, having had last been in contact with Yoshi, became humanoid, growing arms and legs and the ability to speak English, while keeping their turtle traits like their green pigment, pudgy faces and shells. As for Splinter, the last animal he'd been in contact with were his sewer rat pals, hence why he grew the tail and such. This info comes in handy later on when Shredder pulls the same trick on his minions. Who's Shredder? You'll meet him soon enough. Any more questions about Mutagen? Please refer them to the good people at the Ninja Turtles hotline at: 1-888-GET-A-LIFE-YOU-PATHETIC-MOTHERFUCKERS at extension THE-80S-ARE-OVER-SO-MOVE-ON. Hope they can help where I can't :)
Alright, let's get on with this. Yoshi took taught his slimy friends the ways of Ninjitsu: the secret combat arts of the Foot. He also named them after his favorite painters and color coded their outfits and gave them specific weapons so as to tell them apart. Leonardo - blue - katana swords; Donatello - purple - bo staff; Raphael - red - sai blades; and Michelangelo - orange - nunchucks. In turn, they nicknamed him Splinter, because he can turn wooden boards to splinter with his bare hands... that's bullshit. Remind me to tell you why he's really called Splinter later on. So, the turtles agree to help their new media amiga find herself a story. In exchange, she has to agree NOT to involve the turtles in any of her stories, so as to keep their cover from getting blown... there's a few things I'd like April to blow, but I won't frighten you with those images right now. In exchange for their help, April must also use her resources as a reporter to help the boys find out who it was that mutated them and their master, in the hopes that they can beat an antidote out of him/her so Splinter can be human again. Elsewhere, in an undisclosed locale, we get a peek of the fiend in question, as his punk minions (the same who screwed up the beat down of April) report back to him of their failure. If you were asking "Who's the Boss?" before when the thugs referred to him, then he's your answer: it's Tony Danza! If there's a bad "Who's the Boos" joke, I haven't heard it. For real though, the "Big Boss" is Oroku Saki, decked out in a cuisinart get up, a helmet and a big purple cape. He's also changed his name to, "the Shredder". No, it doesn't really strike fear into your heart name-wise, but if you say it a few times it sounds less and less cornball.
Back to out heroes, after they have an unfortunate run-in with an old lady wielding an automatic rifle, the green team don Humphrey Bogart costumes and head to check out a lead at a pizzeria run by ninjas. Nearby, April gets captured when she investigates the Foot's Manhattan offices. Once they realize she's gone, the shellbacks soon find her, tied to a chair on the roof of a building. They also find a mob of cyborg Foot ninjas! While they kick their tin-plated asses all over the place, Shredder watches on, recognizing their moves and coming to the startling conclusion that his old rival, Homato Yoshi, may still live! Duh, ain't he sharp... get it? He's the Shredder and his outfit's covered with blades, so he's "sharp"?! Hey, don't blame me, some bloated half-wit that lives down my street begged me to put his stupid joke into my review. Well, since he was dying of cancer (and gave me 20 bucks his mom gave him to buy groceries with), I did my civil duty and made you people suffer just a little more... That's Anubis for ya: a fuckin' boy scout to the end! Well, when the turtles try following the Foot back to their base in the "Technodrome", they fall into a water hazard as the entire office building goes up in a geyser of unkempt H2O rage! Don't worry though, because, being the good guys they are, the heroes escape their watery grave and head home. All in a day's work for a band of walking turtle mutants.
The following morning, the green backs and their reporter babe search the sewers beneath the Foot offices for any clues to the whereabouts of this Technodrome and the guy behind all this mayhem. Speaking of the Technodrome, at that moment it's burrowing around the ground below NYC, driven by Shredder, who's losing sleep over his new arch-enemies. As for what exactly the Technodrome is, well, it's a BIG mobile base that consists of a HUGE white sphere resting on over-sized tank treads adorned with a massive eyeball on top, like a star on a demented Christmas. Shreds in then joined in conversation by HIS superior, a talking brain from Dimension X (birthplace of all Brand-X products) called "Krang". Have you ever seen John Carpenter's remake of Invaders From Mars? Well, if you've seen that evil master brain thingy, then you pretty much know what Krang looks like.
The deal between the villains looks like this: Krang supplies Shredder with advanced weapons from Dimension X in exchange for a new robotic body to house his gooey gray matter. So far, Krang's been the only one to uphold his side of the bargain. Instead of throwing together a new body for Krang, Shredder has a better idea (well, thanx to Krang): mutate some of his own people to combat the mutant turtles! The guinea pigs in question? Loyal thugs Rocksteady and Bebop. The animals they're going to be mutated with? Well, in the end, Rocksteady is a militant Rhino and Bebop becomes a punker wart-hog! Splinter then discovers the 'Drome and tries to sneak aboard, though he ultimately winds up like a rat in a trap... sorry, another one from the unsanitary retarded guy down the street kiddies. Soon after, the turtles show up too, and after they stomp some more foot soldiers, humiliating Bebop and Rocksteady on their first outing and finally meeting the Shredder, the boys grab Splinter and head home. Donatello then remodels April's van, turning into my second favorite Ninja Turtles action figure accessory: the Turtle Van! Heh heh.
Okay, enough giddy fan boy giggling. So, the turtles now have a heavily armed vehicle of their own. But, is it enough to stand up to the Technodrome? Somehow I doubt a modified Ford is going to stand up to a roving base 20 times it's size! Once again, speaking of the 'Drome, let us head back to Shredder and Krang, shall we? Their latest scheme is to open up their portal to Dimension X and bring over some of Krang's mighty Stone Soldier army. They do bring over a couple of the granite troops, but they also bring over three Dimension X punx in "rocket powered low-riders" called Neutrinos... if you're the kind of person who can't stand the immature antics and verbiage of the turtles, then make sure you have a belt handy strong enough to hang your fat ass with, because the Neutrinos are even worse! Then again, Krang's golem soldiers, though lacking in the annoying vocabulary department, are plenty bad in their own right: their uniforms consist of nothing more than a helmet, a belt, and a pair of boots... I feel so dirty! Put some damn pants on you twisted freaks! Uggh! Anyway, the Neutrinos and the Turtles meet and become fast allies. While chilling at a generic Chuck E. Cheese's they're attacked by the heavily armed creatures of rock (*rim shot* for Beavis and Butt-Head fans out there) and more fighting ensues... and the NYPD now have access to tanks... guess they're taking pointers from the Dominion police force.
The timely arrival of the fuzz sends the good guys into retreat (if you've been following the news the past year or so, you'd be afraid of the NYPD too!) and the militant golems plant a little weather bomb that will destroy Manhattan in 2 hours with meteorological chaos, unless stopped... which it will be, as you can all guess. The good guys are headed, instead, back to the 'Drome to prevent Krang from bringing anymore rock soldiers over and to help the Neutrinos get back home. So, once more they're in the enemy base and, once more, all Hell breaks loose! In the end the Neutrinos go home and the stone pantsed guys get sent back through too. With that done, the turtles then hop into a flying hot rod left behind by their interdimensional pals and head into the atmosphere to take out the weather device. Yay, the day is saved again... sometimes these stories seem a little too rushed along, especially when they try to pack too much stuff into episodes. I mean, they could've made an entire episode around the weather bomb, but they just pack it into an already stuffed storyline! Either way, following all this big noise action, the media has discovered the secret that the Turtles exist. Not only do they exist though, but according to the news, they're also menaces to society... these guys should hang out with Spider-Man, as they seem to have a lot of the same problems...
Speaking of the turtles, they get a message from Shredder beamed to their TV that informs them Shreds has an anti-Mutagen gun that can reverse mutations, like Splinter's perhaps? Doubtful, as Shredder's more likely intending to use it to revert his green enemies into defenseless pets. But, before they can try to get to Shredder and swipe the gun, they first get into it with Bebop and Rocksteady, who have come looking for a measure of revenge for the humiliating ass kickings they've received thus far. Surprise surprise, they just get more of the same as the fight ends with the bad guys trapped in semen... uhm, cement... I don't know WHERE that one came from! This whole time, Donatello's been working on his latest top secret invention and he continues to do so while his brothers and their master head to the Technodrome for that ray gun. Meanwhile, Shredder's finally thrown together that robot body for Krang and is in the process of installing the drooling cerebrum inside it when the good guys come knocking. As the Turtles pound on yet ANOTHER group of Foot soldiers, Splinter goes off to catch up on old ass-kickings with Shredder. After finishing off their pajama wearing enemies, the Turtles finally meet Krang, whose body not only transforms, but can grow to phenomenal size! Just when it looks like the heroes on the half shell are about to get said shells handed to them, in comes Donatello with my FAVORITE Ninja Turtles accessory: the Turtle Blimp! Wahoo again!
After fucking with the jolly pink giant (yet another crude nickname for my genitalia), the Turtles manage to shrink the body back down to manageable size. Shredder then arrives, intent on un-mutating his opponents, were it not for the timely arrival of Splinter, who destroy the ray and any hope he had of becoming Hamato Yoshi... at least until the third or fourth season anyway.
When Krang and Shredder return to the 'Drome to bring Krang's army to Earth (which they should've done in the first place), they find a surprise left courtesy of Donatello, as the entire 'Drome and all it's occupants are instead sucked INTO the portal and over to Dimension X! April also managed to get the story, which helps swing the "cool" half of society into the pro-Turtles corner. Finally, it's all over! As with many action figure based 'toons, I realize now, being a mature grown-up or something, that these stories have two problems: too much action and not enough story. That's pretty much my only prob, since I love the animation and the pace, even though the actual content can be weak at times. Still, a solid story I suppose, though there were definitely some other episodes in the series I found far superior. What can I say but, "Cowabunga dudes!"... I'm such a lame-ass...
Oh yeah, you dickheads forgot to remind me to tell you about the real reason Hamato Yoshi's name became Splinter! Oh well, I'll tell ya anyway. The creators of T.M.N.T., Eastman and Laird, made a lot of the elements of the Ninja Turtles as parody of the Marvel Comic "Daredevil". In "Daredevil", his sensei was the "tougher than he looks" ninja master Stick. So, what better parody of "Stick" than "Splinter". Also, the evil ninja clan of "Daredevil" (and the rest of the Marvel Universe) is known as the Hand. Get it? The turtles' arch enemies are the Foot. I'm sure that, were I a fan of "Daredevil", I could probably point out any other parodies that may exist, but I'm more an Incredible Hulk/ Wolverine/ Captain Marvel/ Deadpool kinda guy. So, there ya go. Now, this damn review has seriously injured my fingers, so I'm gonna go lay down and have a bunch of dead models massage my hands... among other things...
The Moral of the Story: No matter how hard you try, it's almost impossible to smother your inner child.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Really, it depends on whether or not your friends were into the show. Probably better left to solo viewing.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or
Masters of the Universe
FEEDBACK
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