For you horror fans out there, this is NOT the Corey Haim flick about the monster and the talking dog. For you comic book fans out there, this is also not about Uatu, the Watcher of the Marvel Universe. Alright, now that I've completely alienated about 70% of my already minimal viewing audience, let me tell you what it IS about. Keanu Reeves, tired of being type cast as the ignorant, fresh faced, so-dumb-he-must-be-cute hero, tries to break away with an attempt at playing the villain for once. As The Watcher, Keanu plays David Griffen: an attractive serial killer who lulls his victims into a false sense of security using his irresistible charm and wit... not that I'd know... hey, I'm all about the pussy! Anyway, just think of him as another American Psycho, only without all the money, perversion, and quality acting…
What exactly does The Watcher watch? Well, besides ESPN and the Women's Entertainment Network, he watches his favorite ex-FBI agent, Joel Campbell (played rather well by James Spader). As for what our antagonist does besides watching, he also likes to strangle innocent young babes with piano wire, using the greatest care and precaution not to leave any evidence or clues, which made Joel's job of catching the villain a little to hard for him, so he packed up his shit and moved to Chicago. Problem is, it looks like Dave's moved to the windy city too...
Like I said, Dave's moved to Chicago now, he lives of his disability checks, he sees a psychiatrist (cover your eyes kids, it's Academy Award winner Marisa Tomei) and he's got an addiction to pain killers. It's not long before one of Joel's apartment neighbors is found dead in her apartment, strangled with piano wire... Joel doesn't seem to take much not of it, until he discovers a package in his mail that's been sitting on his coffee table for several days. Inside said package? Photos of the recently deceased. Yep, Dave's back and he's ready to pick up where he left off. When he brings up the pictures with the police, he has no choice but to go back on the case and put Dave away for good. In addition to the photo, Joel also receives a phone call from our bad guy, who plays around with Joel's head, mentioning things about Joel's new life that lead us to believe that Dave's keeping an eye on the down-and-out agent. Dave also says that, in order to make the chase a little easier for Joel, Dave will continue to send him photos of his next victims, giving Joel and the Chicago pig patrol 24 hours to find her and rescue her, before he strangles them. How sporting of the little black duck. The next victim: a hot little number who works at the mall photo shop. Can Joel and friends find the girl before Dave gets his hands on her? Well, no, of course not! The villain slips right between their greasy hooves, as they find out who the girl is just a little too late. Maybe if they'd look under their snouts instead of sticking them in their own feces they could actually help someone for once!
Later on, as Joel and his new friend, the delightfully short-fused Detective Hollis, are eating some gut wrenching Asian food, our hero gets an idea. Sneaking out the back of the restaurant, he slips around to the front, where he finds Dave doing what he does best: watching. But, before Joel can get the drop on his arch-nemesis, he takes off in his mighty economy car, running into multiple other cars but showing no signs of damage beyond the showroom floor! That car was definitely not made in Japan. The cars he hit: damaged. His car: more Unbreakable than Bruce Willis! Well, no surprise, the killer escapes. The next day, he follows Joel to his psychiatrist's office, where he too decides to "seek counseling" with Dr. Pollie. I think, as most of you probably do at this point, that Pollie is in trouble. The next day Dave stalks his next victim: a homeless girl named Jes, who I'd love to give some "sanctuary" to, heh heh.
When the deadline comes down, Jes puts up a fight, smacking Dave upside the head with her boom box then makes him chase her through her abandoned warehouse hang out. Needless to say, when Mr. Griffin gets his hands on her, he's far from lenient. Sorry Jes, but with a half hour left in the movie, you're destined to die. Even with your goofy skater pal leading the cops to your salvation, you're pretty much fucked. Leave it to a slacker to get something done AFTER the time allotted. After picking up another car, Dave leads the 5-0 in a chase through the Chicago backstreets (hopefully killing many boys who live there in the process) in a scene that looks like something right out of Driver 2 (excellent video game for those of you out there who're into that shit)! Again, allow me to apologize to all the viewers I just alienated with that reference. Anyway, the Urban Indy 500 ends with an explosion at a gas station, allowing Mr. Griffin to escape once more. Can't blame pork for fearing fire though...
Hey, where's Joel? Well, after he chased Dave through the abandoned warehouse, he ran into some trouble as his body went into shock thanx to his drugs. Dave-o wakes up the next day in a hospital bed where, while watching TV, views the picture of The Watcher's next victim: someone that Joel knows and has been flashing back to the entire movie. The girl is Joel's former love interest and former married woman, Lisa. “Former” in both definitions of the word because she died in a house fire. A house fire that Joel could've prevented were he not so busy chasing down Dave through some avenues and alleyways (a little tip of the Mohawk to any Rancid fans out there).
At Lisa's grave (yep, she was born in Chicago before moving out to LA), Joel runs into, guess who, his biggest fan. Joel would like to blow the son of a beeyotch away, but if he does, Dave says that pretty Dr. Pollie will be burned alive too, just like Lisa was. Always a sucker for a sob story, Joel gives Dave the gun and lets himself be taken hostage so Dave's game can continue. Our dependent duo wind up at Dave's little Fortress of Solitude (odd number of comic book references for a horror movie review…), where Pollie is tied to a chair, surrounded by candles and barrels of flammable substances.
After making fun of Dave for being a pathetic little punk that he doesn't give a damn about, Joel successfully injures Dave's fragile psyche, leaving him open for physical attack, which Joel does. After saving Pollie and jumping out a window to safety, the warehouse (and Dave) go up in an inferno of CGI fire and explosions... fucking Hollywood, won't even spend a few bucks to blow up a damn warehouse anymore! Our villain winds up in the harbor, looking like a frontrunner for the Hamburger Helper look-a-like contest. And, it's all over. Joel saves the day, Pollie is rescued, and Dave is dead. Yay...
The movie's direction went pretty well, not surprising considering it was done by music video director Joe Charbanic. Joe's not the first music video director to jump to the media of Hollywood films, as it also conjures up movies like Highlander, The Cell, and Mirror, Mirror to mind. The real story here though, is that Joe was also hired by Keanu Reeves to shoot a few videos and a documentary for the actor/surfer's band Dogstar...
I always laugh when I think about Keanu's little club band. Like now: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! Oh man, that felt good.
As for the soundtrack, I say yay because it's mostly Rob Zombie remix music, which is cool, even though Zombie says he hates big budget Hollywood horror. Considering all the shitty flicks he's lent his work to in recent years, I would say Rob is a sell out, but then he would kick my ass, stomp a hole in my chest, then fill it with his vomit. Though it'd be a real honor, I would die from it, so that'd be bad.
Let's get away form the soundtrack and head to the acting. I thought James Spader did well as our doped up hero. As for Marisa Tomei, she was thankfully pushed aside for the most part, so we didn't have to deal with her too much. The real break out in my opinion would have to have been Mr. Chris Ellis as the edged out Detective Hollis. Ellis managed to play rough and gritty one moment, but could turn right around and be a humorous character the next! He did convey a sense of Southern ignorance but, oh well. Finally though, Keanu Reeves. No matter how hard he tries to pull off the serial killer role, he never pulls off menacing. I know Alfred Hitchcock made a big impact with the Norman Bates idea of a killer who you'd look at and never expect him to be a brutal murderer, but it's not the same anymore because of it. Keanu's just too known for his lovably retarded hero or the cutesy love interest, that he just cannot give us a convincing performance as a social malcontent. Give it up Keanu, and either go back to your sci-fi action flicks, or go psychologically scar more people through Dogstar. Either way, just give up the bad guy act, cuz you're never gonna impress upon me that image.
The Moral of the Story: Never trust a good loocking surfer guy... what?! Damn it, I'm not gay! I said he's good looking, I didn't say I want him to fuck me in the ass! Can't one man compliment another on his physical features and personal grooming without being persecuted by small minded, slope browed, underbiting, asinine individuals?! You guys suck...
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- You can make fun of the cast, but it's really not meant for party fare.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Manhunter or
Se7en
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