We here at The Brotherhood feel we’ve been let an untapped
resource sit untouched for too long. Realizing that we do nothing
but horror and sci-fi abominations, we took a trip to the kung-fu
section. We extend our warmest welcome to kung-fu master Michael
Dudikoff, the Brotherhood’s newest icon. Here’s the first volume
of that groundbreaking series known at upscale society discussions
as American Ninja.
Our story begins at a military base of some sort, where our
hero is standing quietly by himself. A few of his comrades are
engaging in a mind-numbing game of every stoner’s second favorite
past-time hackey-sak (if that’s not the correct spelling, I’ve got
a sack you can become acquainted with). The sak is kicked in Dudikoff’s
direction, but he doesn’t respond. A K-Mart knock-off of Tia Carrere
gets into a car, which is promptly taken over by hijackers (on a side
note, where all these knock-offs going to come from once K-Mart goes
under? Even these movies aren’t cheap enough to do their shopping at
Wal-Mart). While all of this is going on, a ninja appears from behind
a bush and a tree falls, and it’s Dudikoff to the rescue! He blows up
a truck and rescues the woman, which brings on a pack of ninja’s ready
to hand Dudikoff his head. He and the woman escape, though, by way of
some survival crap. At some point, they end up naked. Meanwhile, back
on base, the woman’s father (a superior of Dudikoff’s and a free-lance
Tom Arnold impersonator) vocalizes his displeasure to somebody about
Dudikoff taking such extreme measures. Though this may sound like a
lot, you’re probably better off just watching Gymkata a few more times.
Attempts to examine Dudikoff’s past prove futile, as Dudikoff’s
file is mysterious and sketchy, but it does say that he has amnesia
and he has a past of violence towards his fellow man. He in enlisted
because it was his only alternative to prison…does that mean the death
penalty, when used strategically, would prevent me from having to
watch this movie? Maybe George W. is on to something. Meanwhile, at
the base, the troops are not too pleased with Dudikoff, due to the
fact the four soldiers were killed during that little fracas. Dudikoff
enjoys a flashback of ninja-type surroundings, and the audience enjoys
a guy showing off his ninja army. One particular soldier has been
giving our hero a hard time, a fellow by the name of Jackson (it
might have been Tito, I don’t quite remember), and he decides to have
it out with Dudikoff. They engage in a little stick and bucket combat,
with Dudikoff coming out on top by biting his proverbial ear off. They
become good friends, as is so often the case. Not everyone’s following
Action Jackson’s lead, though; ol’ Sgt. Slaughter blames Dudikoff for
the aforementioned casualties, but the woman he saved can’t seem to
get Dudikoff out of her mind (could you blame her? I haven’t forgotten
about him, either) and arranges to meet him. That’s a problem, however,
because her dad’s Dudikoff’s hard-assed superior and already has it
out for him. Is it doomed love? Hell no! The movie is doomed, however
Dudikoff hops the fortress wall on a motorbike and whisks her off to a
restaurant.
While they enjoy each other’s company, they spy gangster/ninja guy
involved in a meeting that certainly can’t be on the up and up. Turns
out Sarge has set up Dudikoff to fall to the pack of ninjas, but all
the headbands and monkey-bars in the world can’t save them from
Dudikoff’s wrath. He whips all their asses, only to have one steal
his truck (how did he get a truck? I can’t remember, sorry). Stealing
a page from Vanilla Ice’s playbook, Dudikoff grabs a motorbike and
gives chase. They have a crappy high-speed chase that would make
Vanilla Ice feel good about himself, complete with Dudikoff leaping
from his about-to-be mangled bike only to latch onto the bottom of his
stolen truck. Some more dumb fighting ensues, and eventually Dudikoff
meets the gardener (?!?) of the evil ninjas, who is in reality the
master who trained Dudikoff in the art of street dancing...I mean martial
arts.
Dudikoff makes his way back to base eventually, and is using the
restroom when a ninja assassin tries to kill him...alright. At this point,
I’ve said so much about this steamer that you probably think a lot is
going on and it might actually be good. I’m sorry, I feel I’ve mislead
you. It’s actually pretty bad, and in the end Dudikoff and gardener
fight the giant ninja army (and sticking with ninja tradition, they all
stand in a circle and attack our heroes one at a time) In the end,
Dudikoff wins. As if all this wasn’t bad enough, there was one sweet-assed
guy, simply known as “The Dude” who was woefully under exploited. I
weep when I think that Dudikoff will be in the sequel and The Dude is
working at a Piggly Wiggly in Albuquerque telling the new towel boy
about how he was in this one movie. American Ninja sucks, but it sucks
to the point where you can have a pretty good time. Be on the lookout
for The Brotherhood’s review of American Ninja 2, 3, 4, and...oh, I’m
suddenly feeling ill. Dudikoff! Or not.
Did I say icon?
Dudikoff is actually a totally unappealing and altogether lame
hero, and this movie, although this is coming from someone who
doesn't like martial arts or action moives, is a pretty good
testement to the premise that white people can't do anything
right. It sucked.
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