Demonicus is the most recent movie we’ve reviewed, it’s actually
a 2001. It’s also an asset to anyone who’s arguing for the stoppage
of horror movie production, this movie blows hardcore. Demonicus
looks and feels like a student film project and is another film which
tries to capitalize on the Blair Witch craze, but fails miserably (like
most Blair Witch rip-offs).
While it’s not actually filmed in documentary format, it copies
the camera techniques and jerky close-ups to the letter. We find
ourselves in the Italian Alps, where a group of young couples are
engaging in some sort of race across the world, and are supposed to
meet there to reunite. The first ones there are a particularly daft-
looking junior-varsity standout named James and his girlfriend. They
find a cave, and James moves in to investigate. He finds a decaying
corpse sitting in a chair. The deceased is wearing a helmet (a total
rip-off of Evil Ash’s helmet in Army of Darkness. It’s probably meant
to be an homage but it‘s just lame), and like any idiot would, James
removes it and puts it on. As you’ve probably deduced, he gets
possessed by the spirit of a demon gladiator-type and kills his
girlfriend. You can tell at this point that you’re really in for a
long movie. Another couple comes by, and the guy tries talking to
James. He never suspects that his pork loaf of a companion is no longer
James, but Tyranus; demon gladiator from hell! Anyway, James cuts the
guy’s arm and leg off, and then his head. He takes the extremities back
to the cave, where he makes soup (mmm mmm DEAD!) and chants in attempt
to bring the dead guy out of his eternal slumber. He twitches a little
but doesn’t wake up. Oh man, we’re not even a half hour in and I’m
already calling for the hook.
The remaining group of happy campers arrives, where they are
dumbfounded to find the dead girl’s accessories lying around with nobody
to accessorize. James reappears wearing THE GLOOOOVE (or at least an
incredible simulation). Thanks for The Glove, Fedeler. He punches the
guy from the second couple with it and cuts off his arm. So if you’re
keeping score at home, James is possessed, he’s killed one guy, one girl,
kidnapped another girl, and the boyfriend of the abducted but living girl
is wandering around the woods talking about what he’s going to do to the
guy who took his girlfriend... if you’re watching the movie it’s much
easier to keep the characters straight, but that’s no reason to actually
see the movie. Anyway, to complicate matters, a random dork appears.
Why it’s Mo Rocca of Comedy Central’s "The Daily Show". The dork and the puss
quarrel over the missing girlfriend (Gina if I’m not mistaken) and
eventually fight. Meanwhile James is making soup again while Gina
watches and…it’s just a big mess. A girl who was gutted but is still
alive finds the dork and the puss camping and she brings a book of Roman
mythology. She tells the back story of Demonicus, an ancient Roman
warlord, and apparently this is who James is attempting to reanimate.
A guy (not the puss, not the dork, the other guy who may or may not be
mentioned previously in this review) eventually finds James and they
fight, with James winning while using a net (why not just throw a danish
at him?) He takes his limbs and makes some more resurrection stew.
The gutted girl (Gina) is still alive somehow. Apparently she will
not do as a sacrifice because she’s not a virgin. Way to play by the
rules, movie. Puss finds the cave and enters to see his girlfriend dead
and slashed. As James makes soup, the dork sneaks into the scene. It’s
too late, however, because Demonicus has awoken. In a big fight scene,
Demonicus ends up getting killed and melted (all of that soup crap for
about one minute of him being alive…eat me movie!) and the dork gets
killed by James. The other girl, Maria, takes James’ helmet off, which
causes a painting of a lion on the cave wall to roar. She runs outside
with the helmet, and in a moment of pure inborn instinctive idiocy, PUTS
THE HELMET ON! Yes, there are people in the bottom percentiles. She
comes to, however, and removes it. The end.
Wow, so this is what they’re teaching college students these days.
James, our villain, is completely and utterly devoid of any intimidating
or menacing qualities, and is actually somewhat humorous in the fact that
he’s supposed to be intimidating. This movie is just pathetic, and I
feel even more ripped off by the fact that it cost about $3.00 because it
was a new release. For the love of God don’t waste your money by renting
or buying this steamer, buying a box of condoms if you have Erectile
Dysfunction is a more sound investment.
I don't mind telling you, I have no idea
what's wrong with the kids today. The kids today with
their big-assed pants and their cellular phones and
hula-hoops and fax machines...ahhh I don't get it.
First they're buying Limp Horzeshit records, then
they're piercing and tatooing God knows what, before
you know it, they're making some awful killer
gladiator movie. Demonicus fails utterly and
miserably in every aspect. To put it another way, if
some psycho censorship people came to my door and used
Demonicus as their argument to ban horror movies
forever, I'd sign their petition faster than Joe Don
Baker signs a check to enroll in the sour
cream-of-the-month club. It sucked.
FEEDBACK
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