Here it is: the alleged worst movie of all time, a movie which
displays complete incompetence every step of the way. Well, forget
what you’ve been told because it’s not true. Usually considered the
most glaring abomination of infamous writer/producer/director Ed
Wood’s career, Plan 9 is bad, but it’s the kind of bad you and I
thrive on.
You can tell you’ve rented something special from the moment
infamous psychic Jeron Criswell takes the stage behind a sports
anchor’s desk and explains the events which are about to occur. The
future holds... “Grave robbers from outer space!” Apparently they’ve
already begun, though, because there’s a living dead girl crashing her
own funeral on Earth (*gasp!*) It appears starvation might have been
the cause of death, because this lady’s measurements are probably
somewhere in the neighborhood of 36-4-36. Meanwhile, a plane flying
above is startled by a paper plate hovering not far away. After
hanging around for a while, it lands on Earth. Speaking of Earth,
the husband of the late hourglass steps out of his home, why it’s Bela
Lugosi! (Trivia: That house belongs to none other than Tor Johnson
himself) You’ve probably heard the old legend about Lugosi dying
during the making of Plan 9 and his role being filled by a chiropractor
friend. Recently I read somewhere that the part about Lugosi dying
during the shoot is a fallacy, but that the chiropractor part is
indeed true. Anyway, it’s easy to tell when it’s the chiropractor,
because he guards his face with his cape (“you should go see my
chiropractor, he’s super!”) The old man is promptly killed by his
wife (does “till death do us part” mean nothing to this woman? The
poor guy was probably going to flex his mojo at the local strip joint).
Mourners find two mannequins murdered. This involves the local
police force, and inspector Daniel Clay arrives at the scene (Tor!)
Tor sparkles in an elusive speaking role, proving he is not the one-
dimensional Lobo history will remember him as. Before Tor can say
too much, he gets killed by Mr. and Mrs. Dead. While all this goofiness
is going on, the paper plates are flying over Hollywood Blvd. and
raising quite the ruckus. This prompts the military to open fire,
but to little avail. Later on at HQ, a commanding officer details
us on the back story: it seems the government has known about the
aliens for some time now. Up in outer space, said aliens explain
“plan 9”; resurrection of the dead. Speaking of the dead: Lugosi/
un-Lugosi is stalking the wife of the airplane pilot (who somehow got
the role of our hero) in their home. He’s almost got her but *HUZZAH*
she teleports to the graveyard. But she’s not safe there, because Tor
is rising from his grave in a version of his classic lumbering oaf
character Lobo (a true classic never dies). She collapses, and is
rescued by an extra from "Bonanza".
At the Pentagon, a colonel plays a tape of the aliens gloating about
their accomplishments and warning that Earth has become too dangerous.
Up in space, the leader hatches a brilliant scheme. He leads the old
zombie to the pilot’s house, where a meeting is taking place. The old
man is gunned down by country music legand Slim Whitman, but the bullets
have no effect on him (he must have taken Ensure™ that morning). The
aliens pull the plug on him, and he turns into a funhouse skeleton.
Our three heroes eventually find the station on Earth and go inside,
where they confront the two aliens. The male lets fly with exposition
dialogue, where the concept of the solarbenyte is introduced. In the
future, you see, Earth scientists will develop a method of exploding
sunlight, which will in turn destroy the universe, and that’s why the
aliens are here. They fight, the earthlings win, and the ship explodes
in mid-air, the end.
Obviously, the movie has its flaws, most of which stem from having
a budget slimmer than Vampira’s waist. However, Wood makes up for the
shortcomings with a script that is surprisingly imaginative. When all
the dust settles, you are left with what turns out to be an excellent
movie, whether you are looking for fodder to MST3Kify or just a cheesy
60s sci-fi. Highly and enthusiastically recommended.
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