It’s no secret that the art of making a good monster movie has pretty
much dissolved into the atmosphere, and 1996’s Werewolf will sure as hell
vouch for that. Hand-tailored for "MST3K (it appeared in season 9), Werewolf
is two parts boring, two parts incompetence, and one part unintentional
humor (you laugh at it, not with it.)
The story is set in Flagstaff, Arizona, but nearly the entire cast is
European. The only exceptions are George Rivero (Spanish) and everybody’s
favorite incompetent uncle Joe Estevez. Sadly, Estevez’s minimal
contributions are the best substitute for acting this steamer can come up
with. Joe, an Indian, and a K-Mart Marshall Tucker are digging in the
desert, when they begin to engage in fisticuffs with their dick-head
supervisor Yuri. In the midst of all this, the bones of a Yanaglachi (an
Indian variation on the werewolf) are uncovered. Yuri pushes the Indian
down onto the bones, which results in injury. As Tucker takes the Indian
to the hospital, Yuri and Noel (Rivero; Noel is a manager I guess) finish
unearthing the bones. Joe, who is still hanging around, is bothered by
what he sees. He’s then given his outright release from the movie but
continues to hang around for a while.
Meanwhile, the Indian isn’t doing very well. Joe, sensing what has
happened (Joe is presumably part Indian) sends him off to the hospital.
As he sleeps, Yuri dresses up like a doctor (yes, nurses and desk workers
will believe anyone in a lab coat is a doctor) and visits him. He injects
the essence of werewolf into him, and he gradually metamorphisizes into a
werewolf. He breaks out and kills a security guard who looks very much
like Bob Vila. This werewolf won’t get a chance to turn back, though,
because Joe and Tucker are waiting for him. They shoot him promptly, and
that’s the end. Oh, wait, there’s still eighty minutes left. Damn. A
train pulls into the station and our hero emerges, Paul. Though he speaks
in a poorly cloaked European accent, he’s a native of Flagstaff. He’s
returned home to take possession of a house that belongs to his family.
He arrives at the house and is greeted cordially by Keeper Sam, a militant
survivalist type (complete with Castroesque beard and fatigues) who answers
the door gun in hand and informs Paul that he’s just learned that Count
Dracula was a “faggot.” I don’t know why, but I like Keeper Sam, he brings
intolerance and homophobia you can only find in America. He helps keep
the film grounded. Anyway, I digress. Paul goes upstairs where he finds
ceiling fans and Carrie, a woman who seems to live there or is just sitting
upstairs for some reason. She invites Paul to a birthday party, where he
meets Natalie while she is being harassed by an inebriated Yuri. Conflict
ensues, and Noel sends Yuri for a sobering sabbatical to the museum. At
the museum, Yuri drugs a security guard (the director, as it turns out)
and injects him with the essence of werewolf. He then turns into a werewolf,
drives past a gas station four or five times, and crashes into some oil
barrels that jump out in front of him.
After talking to Natalie the night before, Paul goes to the museum to
learn more about the project, and to possibly contribute funds. Yuri
arrives and is very much upset. He rips the head off of the skeleton and
nails Paul with it on the shoulder, producing a sizable gash. Oh, man,
here we go. Later, Paul turns into a werewolf (we really appreciate the
five minutes of thrusting, grunting, and splaying movie). He turns back
though, and Natalie comes over and comforts our hero. Later, Paul turns
into a werewolf again and crawls up to a jeep, where a young couple is about
to engage in ill-advised premarital sex. Though I was praying for him to
rain a painful tortuous death on the asshole guy (a condom? That’s it, you
ruined the mood. I hate these fucking jerk-offs, die every one of you), he
kills the P.Y.T. he was about to gurgle and rub his limp pecker all over.
Natural selection fails us again. Paul returns home and launches Carrie
over the railing of the staircase (I’ve seen that somewhere before). That’s
not bad for a single night’s work.
Later, Paul is back in bed. Natalie comes on over and Paul drags the
secret of what’s going on out of her and bones her. (It may sound like this
is going pretty fast, but I’ve omitted most of the exposition crap. We’re
on Cliffs Notes™ here)
We’re next whisked away to a local drinking establishment, where Natalie
and Paul are enjoying a game of billiards. Yuri slithers into the picture
and plays against Natalie while Paul goes over to the corner and metamorphasizes.
He goes to the bathroom so nobody will see, but Yuri goes in and sees what
is happening. Paul goes and kills some guy while Yuri tells Natalie of he
and Noel’s evil plan to put Paul in a cage and market him to the scientist
community. Paul has since returned home and attacked Keeper Sam,(he doesn’t
kill him) and Natalie goes there to find him a werewolf. They engage in a
touching Euro-love scene before Yuri arrives to Euro-spoil the Euro-moment.
Paul jumps out the window and runs to the caves in Hastings, Minnesota
(where they filmed the end of the Moranis/Arnold masterpiece Big Bully).
Yuri follows, and they engage in a fight scene so humorous the Three Stooges
would have been jealous. Yuri pretty much throws his hands over his face
and makes a funny sound a few times and then he’s bloody and dead. Must
have scratched himself with his watch. Paul returns home to find Natalie,
and it’s painfully apparent that she’s a werewolf too. That doesn’t stop
this damned movie, they move around in the dark for what seems like an
eternity (in fact, it’s still going on, I believe) before revealing the
tepid truth.
Werewolf should pretty much be avoided at all costs. The actress
playing Natalie brings a pretty strong argument for worst actress in
recorded history (Nicole Eggert would have something to say about that),
and Paul’s sad attempts to disguise his accent are pretty funny. Otherwise,
it’s pretty much a 100-minute pain parade that drags worse than J. Edgar
Hoover with Joe Estevez sitting on his back. It’s so bad, it's incradable!
It’s fun, but it’s a clear contender
for the worst monster movie ever made. The lead actress is, in
my opinion, the worst actress to ever meander across the screen,
and it leaves me pondering if Yuri’s hairstylist gets paid by the
hour or by the hair style. It’s sad when a movie leaves you with
nothing more than such an anemic conception of life.
FEEDBACK
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
