The soundtrack starts before the rest of the movie, with a disembodied voice talking to someone referred to as "commander." Then the video kicks in with two women being awakened by bright flashing lights. The lights frighten the semi-attractive one, Jessica, and the Penny Marshall look-alike, Joe, is unfazed and ugly. Outside, something stirs in the bushes and enters the house.

Elsewhere, a couple is making out. The girl stops her boyfriend before his hand goes under her blouse, which activates the guy’s bladder. When he goes out to take a whiz, however, he’s attacked and mauled by a goofy "alien," actually a guy with false teeth and his nose painted black. I’ll make the rather pathetic observation here that the makeup crew from the recent Stephen King’s Storm of the Century COMPLETELY RIPPED OFF THE MONSTER MAKEUP FROM THIS MOVIE. Either they hired the same makeup effects crew for that big-budget flop (excuse me while I regain my composure from my laughing fit), or they were desperately strapped for ideas. Anywho, the girl goes to check on her boyfriend and she gets chomped too.

Back at the house, Jess and Joe decide to search for the unexplained phenomenon of the lights. They find a shredded bunny in the woods. Upon returning to their estate, they find one Mr. Anders Anderson, friend to the Brotherhood, lurking around their house. Joe is hostile, but after a little TLC from Jess, she decides to let Anders stay for a bit. While they’re sitting in the arboretum, Anders shows unnatural interest in Jess’s pet parrot, Wally, and we glimpse a flash of his feline alien side.

Later on, Anders goes for a walk. While he’s out, Jessica begins to suspect him because he’s acting strange. Meanwhile on his walk, Anders comes across two police officers looking at the car that his two victims from the night before were in. The pigs, of course, end up as little more than poorly cut back bacon at the claws of the mighty Anders. That night at dinner, Joe gets very possessive and tells Anders that she and Jessica are lovers. Anders shows little interest, but becomes violently ill after tasting the cooking. Vegetables are apparently not to his taste. As is everything else that isn’t meat-related. Jessica shows Anders to his room and tells him to lock the door, presumably to protect him from the raging Joe. For being so scared of him by this point in the movie, she’s very concerned about him. In fact, her emotions about Anders throughout the film are a mixture of love and flat-out fear. I don’t get it. Girls are strange. This despot of destruction will never understand them. At any rate, Jess leaves Anders to his devices and she and Joe engage in a little roll in the alien hay (PUUUNNNNNNNN!!!). Anders sneaks out of his room and watches them. I guess he’s a peeping tom, or maybe a, dare I, cat burglar (PUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!)? Cuz, ya see, Anders is a cat alien and stuff. Don’t hit me, please. Anders then saunters outside and sends a report to the stars. His commander gives him the go-ahead to continue with his mission.

The next day, Joe finds her chickens dead and freaks, proclaiming that a fox was in their yard. She shows her grief by booting the chicken corpses all over the yard. Joe is strange, just thought I’d mention it. They set out to hunt the fox down. Joe takes a pot shot and misses. Her reaction to missing the fox brings all new meaning to the words "over the top." Maybe if you were aiming to shoot, say, Saddam Hussein, missed, and your bullet ripped through a crowd of innocent toddlers or... no, wait, that would be just as good. Well, you get the idea. Anywho, Jess and Joe return to the house crestfallen. Anders sneaks off, does his alien thing, and brings the ravaged fox corpse to the two women, who are ecstatic. To celebrate, they put poor Anders into an ill-fitting dress and makeup and play hide-and-go-seek. Okay, my comment earlier that girls are strange was such an understatement it’s not even funny. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!? If anyone has any clues as to what is going on in their pretty little heads, please let me know. Well, Joe’s head isn’t pretty, but you get the point. While they’re off at their game, Joe grabs the biggest fucking switchblade I’ve ever seen out of her room and sets off to kill Anders, telling Jessica that Anders is an animal and that she found the fox carcass in the trash completely stripped of flesh.

The following day, Anders is meandering in the woods while Joe stalks him with her giant switchblade. Then, in a jump cut that nearly broke my neck, Anders is in the pond, which is apparently filled with crude oil and tar, and drowning. Jessica and Joe come to the rescue, and a slow-motion sequence nearly five minutes long saves Anders life. Back at the house, Jessica tells Joe she’s leaving with Anders, and they get in a fight. Jess finds Wally dead and blames Joe, who slams Jessica’s head into a cabinet and knocks her out. Joe then kicks Anders out, who then goes to Jessica in her bedroom. She reveals to Anders that Joe killed her last boyfriend out of jealousy and that his life is in danger now, too. Meanwhile, Joe digs a grave for Jess, thinking she’s killed her.

Back in the bedroom, Anders and Jess get it on. I guess they re both getting a little pussy. Hey, put that bottle down. No, Fistula, drop the bat. I mean it! Hey, OWW! THWACK, CRUNCH, WHOCK! Fuckers. Now that my head is bandaged up and my arm is back in its socket, allow me to finish the review.

While the couple is coupling, Anders turns into his cat alien form and rips Jessica’s throat out. I’m not going to make the compulsory tuna joke for fear of my head not staying attached to my body. Joe walks in, pukes, and runs away from the bloodstained spectacle. Anders chases her down, and she trips on a shovel, falling into the grave she just dug. Hey, look, it’s IRONY! Clever little boys and girls. She screams, and the camera’s batteries run out. Or jump cut, your call. The final scene is Anders reporting to his commander from a shed somewhere. Humans are high in protein, and easy prey. Bum bum BUM! Bum. Ba da dum! Bum BUM! Okay, that s enough. I’m done.