We get rolling in earnest with two girls and a guy in a car, driving down a country road. The girl and guy in back are fucking, as is Doc Albert in the jump-cut we’re treated to. Except he’s fucking a llama. The old man scrubs some wool and calls his sons to go to town. The girl gets bored and throws the guy out of the car. Doc Albert walks out of the barn with spooge stains on his pants. The girls pick up Bock. Bock visits Doc Albert, who takes his money. The llama Doc Albert was screwing runs away, saying that all men are the same, and gets plowed over by Toni, our heroine (some of which may have made this movie more comprehensible). Doc Albert drives by the scene of the wreck and is heartbroken at the sight of his dead llama lover. Bock walks to the World O’ Wool, where a magical youth-treatment waits for him. Sound a little disjointed? Trust me, it’s even worse if you’re watching it. And all that was just to get to the actual plot development, or lack thereof. Hey, they had to throw the characters together somehow. I did say rolling, I never said it was a smooth ride.

Stouker the tow truck man comes to take away the llama and get Toni’s car to the shop to repair the llama dent. The boys from the World O’ Wool pull up just in time to give Toni a ride into town so she can wait at the shop for her car, but it’s not at the shop, so they go back to the farm. Bock talks to Gibby about his writer’s block, and then they have a funeral for Blessie Sue, Doc Albert’s llama lover, complete with a drunken preacher, a llama shaped coffin and a…mosh pit? Well, I guess that’s normal for this movie. Onward, loyal followers.

Doc Alberts dunks Bock into the miracle youth-restoring dip, which makes him hallucinate a music video that would make Russel Mulcahy scratch his head. The treatment has apparently unleashed the dreaded Male Berserk Syndrome, which affects the llamas and turns them into dangerous killers. Everyone runs like hell back to the house to get weapons, and one of the llamas sprays toxic cud all over the face of the fat chick from the Greasy Squeeze.

Toni and Doc Albert, split from the rest of the group, find the fat chick with her face melted off and run back to Doc’s lab, while Pa snags a llama with his fishing rod and goes for a deadly ride. Doc explains to Toni that the llamas have MBS, and they attack menstruating women.

When everyone is back at the house for haggis that night, the llamas steal Toni and the Doc’s cars, and eat the distributor caps. Jug points everyone to their rooms, and Bock and the Greasy Squeeze girls make the sign of the three-pronged space goose. Weirdly. And a llama visits Toni in a dream.

In the morning, they ask for water for a shower, and Gibby tells them the only water is a creek. While bathing, they practice their throwing star anti-llama techniques. Look, I know you’re confused. So am I. Just shut up and we’ll get through this, okay? Quit asking me questions. Stephen Hawking couldn’t wrap his brain around this movie. A movie reviewing demi-god’s powers are limited, you know.

The bowler chicks swing by World O’ Wool, which just happens to polish bowling balls. While they’re getting polished (not like that, you goddamn pervert), Doc examines Bock and discovers he has evil mutant llama blood. Stouker returns Toni’s car, which is repainted. Wait, didn’t the llamas take it? Why am I even wondering about continuity at this point? Will any of us make it out with our brains intact? Jug and Gibby plan to use one of the bowler chicks for the brain transplant that Gibby and the Doc have been planning.

The llamas return at sundown as predicted, and the girls attack with their throwing stars, which get turned against them. All three bowlers get killed. A llama gets into Toni’s room that night, and they bring a new meaning to interracial relationships. But it was just a dream again. Doc and Gibby meanwhile get one of the bowler’s heads for the transplant.

The next day, Doc and Stouker go out to the field with a fake llama to gather samples of llama semen for a cure to MBS. But the sample tube gets stuck in Stouker’s mouth, and he gets drowned in llama spooge. All together now. EEEEEW! Back at the farm, the Greasy Squeeze girls get killed washing Toni’s car while Gibby explains to Toni that their mother left the family for a circus freak because she had a thing for cripples.

Later, everyone is gathered in Doc’s lab. The bowler head tells them that everything they need is in a duffel bag on the floor. Bock pulls out a kickass guitar, jams out a groovy Ministry song with some llamas, and electrocutes himself on the amp. The Dalai Llama (get it? Dalai...hey, put down the machete, I didn’t write that!) tosses Gibby a brain. He dives for it, and splits his head open on the ground. Doc Albert pulls a valentine gift from Blessie Sue out of the box and gets a pair of hooves rammed through his chest. Jug pulls his mama’s dress from the bag. He puts it on, and to Toni’s horror becomes his mother! Who’s the llama, Norman? Ma rallies the llamas into the barn, singing “Mama loves her llama” all the way. She blows pepper into the baby fire-breathing (!) llama’s face. It sneezes and burns down the barn, killing the entire…woolly herd. Jug gets what he always wanted, the fire has made him a true cripple, and Toni escapes the farm, only to discover that her bedroom encounter with the llama was not a dream.

I’d like to thank Andrew Borntreger for giving me the information to order this movie from Kevin West, and of course to Kevin, Earl, and everyone involved for making a movie that would send David Lynch into epileptic fits for the rest of his life. I’m sure a large amount of alcohol and Arkansas polio weed went into the production, and consuming such while watching it would likely bring out the deep hidden messages buried behind all that wool. Or it would just make you have really scary hallucinations, as if the movie itself wasn’t bad enough.