Throw The Amityville Horror, Hellraiser, The Exorcist, the zombie makeup from Evil Dead, and the soundtrack to Halloween in a blender, add a healthy dose of shit from the asses of lepers, and this is what you get. Father George enters a prison to deliver the last rites to a serial killer. She killed children and stole their souls so she could take them to Hell for her master. Funny, that sounds remarkably like what I did last spring when I went to Adventure Land with Yog-Sothoth and Shub-Niggurath. The woman passes a Devil Book from the discount aisle at K-Mart to Father George and tells him it will help him understand. As she’s electrocuted, he sees children standing all around her. I don t actually think him seeing the children had anything to do with the evil woman so recently departed, though. I think that most Catholic priests regularly envision large groups of children surrounding them.

Meanwhile, in Amityville, a family is moving into a new house. You’d think every character in a horror movie would immediately sue their real-estate agent after the events in the movies, wouldn’t you? You’d think it wouldn’t be too difficult to find out if a house had a history of devil worship and child sacrifice, would you? As they’re getting out of their car, the little boy throws his father’s Bible into a puddle. Considering the puddle was on a patch of dirt, it’s probably a puddle of mudd, isn’t it? Onward. [Ferox's note: Fuck those guys in the fucking nose, eyes, ears, and everywhere else.] Inside the house, which has been pre-decorated for its new tenants, apparently, they find a huge black swan toy in the kids’ room. Call me crazy but that thing would scare the shit out of me if I were four. Who the hell thought it was a cute thing to have the little yard monsters sleep with?

While the rest of the family are unpacking, Carole is exploring. She finds a crack in the wall in a closet, which either has an airport spotlight behind it, or leads to Hell. My money’s on Hell. Her brother, Martin, who earlier threw dad’s Bible in the mudd, joins her and pretends to be possessed. Later that night, the monstrous devil swan starts rocking by itself. Annie surprises Peter by having ironed his Bible and making it all shiny and new. They start to fool around when an evil wind whips up and tears the book to shreds. While all this is going on, Father George is no longer a Father. He’s out on the streets a-drinkin’ and a-doomsayin’. He’s haunted by the ghosts of the children, and sees the evil woman as a bus driver carting them all away. It’s nice that Hell has a good transit service now. Those black carriages were so slow, and they were never on time.

Carole, the little girl, has a dream where she’s surrounded by hooded figures burying her alive. She goes to the glowing hole in the wall and it burns her. Her parents pass it off as a faulty heat pipe. The next day, the priest who Peter reports to calls and asks if they’ve had any strange visitors, suspecting George might pay them a visit. At supper that night, the radio starts tuning in to the “all Alistair Crowley all the time” station and explodes. The kitchen loses its mind and starts throwing knives at the family. As they run away, zombies attack them from the attic. Peter chases them away and goes to the old priest for help. He plans to leave the house, but when he calls his wife to tell her to pack, she says that Carole has a fever and that makes them unable to leave because they can’t move her for some reason. I guess fever means severe neck injury in this movie.

George stops Peter outside the church and tells him that he needs to help him help Peter and free his family from the evil. When Peter dismisses him as crazy, he goes to the old priest for help and is denied once more. Peter gets home to have Annie attack him with an axe .Apparently they’ve had more zombie trouble while he was away. The evil chick and her horde of zombies take their son, and George shows up to save the day. Or to help Peter to help him to help Peter save the day. Or something. They evacuate the house and see Martin in the attic window. That night, George explains the K-Mart Devil Bible to Peter. The evil chick and her zombies want Peter for a ritual because he is a purifier of souls. Meanwhile, Martin returns and kidnaps Carole. George had originally planned to send out an army of exorcists to fight the evil, but now he and Peter must face it alone. Peter reinstates George s priesthood, and off they go. Annie gets Carole back from Martin and takes her to stay with the old priest while she goes back to help Peter. Peter and George find Martin on his bed with a Linda Blair mask on and start chanting “You are banished in the name of Christ!” It should have been “We’re being sued in the name of William Peter Blatty!”

At any rate, they manage to get the demon out, if only because he suffered a fit of giggles and had to run from the room to get some water. Peter and George get to the attic to find Martin teleported into an electric chair. Evil chick tries to tempt George into pulling the lever, but he sacrifices himself to save Martin. He gets possessed, but Peter prays for him and saves him from Hell at the last minute. Annie gets back to the house and grabs the axe, finding Martin in a coffin in the attic. Peter is now possessed and is trying to sacrifice him. The old priest prays from his church and uses the Telekinetic Power of God to stop them. Peter and Annie stab evil chick with their sacrificial knife and get out to their station wagon with kids in tow (I thought Carole was… never mind, just end, stupid movie) when the BATTERY DIES! I’m gonna slap this movie soooo hard.

Old priest uses the last of his strength to start the devil book on fire with his mind, and dies. The house burns and blows up. But the movie WON’T FUCKING END! It just keeps going over the entire credit sequence and then the kid opens his eyes and they’re demon eyes. They milked that goddamn run time for all it was worth. Nearly 100 minutes of pain and movie over every bit of it. At least most movies have the kindness to just leave you with words and music for the last few minutes, allowing you to comfort yourself by saying “It’s not really 98 minutes, only 94 or 95 because the credits count in run time too.” Eat me, movie. I’m going to shut off my computer and listen to some Mother Superior to remind myself that at least SOMETHING good came from the Catholic church, even if it is a rock band whose association is in name only.

I don't fucking remember a goddamned thing from this movie, which probably means it's worth poop in a clock-radio. I gave it a 1, just because I don't remember enough to hate it more.