Meanwhile, Paquita has her tarot cards read, and she is told that the man she’s currently dating, a rugby-playing New Zealand breed of redneck, is not the one she’s destined to be with. She’ll know her real man by a star symbol somewhere near him. Shortly after this, wussy little mama’s boy Lionel comes into the store and spills various items on the counter, and they fall in the shape of the symbol. She chases after him, but he escapes on a streetcar. He gets home just in time to find out that his mother has been accepted to the WLWL, a club for haughty old women. She rages that the house is not clean enough and makes Lionel mow the lawn even though he just has done. While Lionel is mowing the lawn, Paquita comes around to deliver some groceries he forgot. Her beloved dog pounces on Lionel, but only to lick his face. She loves her dog. Remember that. She came primarily to get closer to him, and even though he knows his mother will disapprove, she talks him into taking her to the zoo.

While they’re at the zoo, they see the nasty little rat monkey shred another monkey in the cage next to it. The zookeeper comes and tells them a story of how rats from pirate ships ran out when the ships landed and fucked all the little tree monkeys of the island, resulting in the hideous and vicious half-breed. Lionel’s mom is spying on them on the other side of the cage, and when she trips and falls against the cage, the rat monkey attacks her and bites her arm. She bitches out Lionel and makes him take her home, abandoning a sad and confused Paquita. That night, Paquita comes over to his house to return the jacket he left with her, and to sex him up a bit. They agree to keep their love secret. While they’re getting their love thang on, Lionel’s mother is in the next room sleeping. The infection from the rat monkey bite is slowly eating away at her insides. The pulsating bite wound explodes a gob of thick pus, and we’re given just a tiny sample of the stickiness to come.

The next morning the leader of the WLWL comes over to visit, and dear old mum insists on getting up, even though her face is falling off. They glue the wayward flesh back on and go about the day. During dinner, mum snaps and steals the other lady’s food while spurting pus into her husband’s custard, which he doesn’t notice and happily slurps down. This movie contests with Buried Alive for the nastiest eating scene ever filmed. Later that day Paquita comes to warn Lionel of dark forces amassing against him. Her dog runs upstairs barking, and by the time they catch up with it, Lionel’s now zombified mother has eaten everything but the fur, resulting in one of the film’s many classic lines:

Paquita: “Your mother ate my dog!”
Lionel: “Not all of it.”

The nurse Lionel called to check on her pronounces mum dead, but when the nurse isn’t looking, mum rips her head off. The two zombies gang up on Lionel, but he manages to get them locked in the basement, and goes to the local Nazi war criminal/pharmacist to get some heavy tranquilizers to put the two down. After going into Great Outdoors bat-hunting mode, he descends into the basement to put the creatures to sleep. Paquita gives Lionel a protective necklace to ward off the dark forces growing against him, but the big rugby redneck scares him off.

During mum’s funeral, she wakes up again, so Lionel must sedate her before she kills everyone in the church. Their struggle sends them flying through a pair of French doors, interrupting Father McGruder’s sermon on resurrection. Later that night Lionel sneaks into the cemetery to drug mum again, but is caught by a group of Fonzie wannabes. They beat him up and their leader takes a piss on the grave, but mum wakes up, pulls him into the grave by his dong, and shreds his chest open. She manages to zombify the rest of the gang before Lionel can put her out again. Now mum’s asleep, but Lionel is faced with a whole gang of zombies. Luckily, Father McGruder was nearby and he is the ass-kickingest priest in the land! In a scene surpassing groovy which makes even us hardened veterans stand up and hoot and holler every time, McGruder vaults over the mausoleum giving his famous battle cry,

"I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD!"

Kick ass he does. He cleans house with the zombies, but one of their decapitated heads lands on his shoulders. Then the zombies throw him onto a statue of the Virgin Mary, impaling him on her outstretched marble finger. McGruder is now zombified as well. Lionel takes the gang leader (the only one left in one piece) and McGruder back to his house to store them with mum and nurse McTavish until he can figure out what to do with them. McGruder and the nurse get it on while Lionel desperately tries to explain the noise to his visiting uncle, who passes it off as one of his dad’s old stag films. The nurse and McGruder end up with a very quickly gestated zombie baby, one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen. Lionel has a battle with the pint-sized Meet the Feebles escapee in the park before deciding that it’s dangerous enough that it should be locked up with the other zombies.

Meanwhile, Lionel’s scheming evil uncle wants to inherit mum’s estate. He finds the tranqed zombies in the cellar and threatens to go to the police with the story. Lionel begs him not to and bargains with him. Then Uncle Muttonchops throws a huge party at the house. Uncle Muttonchops is hitting on Paquita and she boots him in the nuts. She goes looking for Lionel in the basement and is attacked by the zombies. Unfortunately Lionel broke the bottle of poison he was going to kill the zombies with, and the Nazi gave him the wrong replacement bottle. Lionel unknowingly shoots the monsters up with livestock steroids and buries them. The two try to escape the house, but Uncle Muttonchops freaks out and throws Lionel in the basement. He falls down the stairs just in time to see the cracked-out zombies burst from their graves.

They escape into the party and slaughter everyone. Paquita, Uncle Muttonchops, and Lionel are the only ones left alive. Lionel escapes into the attic, and discovers in a chest full of old family memorabilia that mum drowned his father because he was cheating on her, and finds the mistress’ body in the trunk. This reverie is interrupted by a living pile of intestines, escaped from one of the zombies and hunting Lionel through the expansive attic of his house. Lionel gets out of the house as fifty or maybe a hundred zombies surround Paquita. Just as she is about to be munched, Lionel bursts through the doors with his trusty lawnmower strapped to his chest. With a fire in his eye that would make Ash proud, he revs ‘er up and shreds through the zombies in the scene that earns this movie the title of "Goriest Movie Ever ". But as he and Paquita celebrate, his mood sours.

"Haven’t seen mum yet," he mutters, just as the now-mutated matron bursts through the floor. The steroids have mutated her into a half-mum/half-rat monkey creature that stands a good twelve feet tall. She chases them up onto the roof, where she sends Paquita sprawling to hang from the gutter. Her womb opens and swallows Lionel, claiming "No one can love you like your mother." Yuck. Luckily, Lionel has the star-shaped charm that Paquita had given him and he scimitars his way out of her stomach in a shower of gore. The slain monster falls backward through the roof into the now-burning house, and Lionel and Paquita escape by climbing down some telephone lines. They embrace in a blood-soaked kiss and stroll off together. Happy, squishy ending.

From the very first scream of "He’s got... THE BITE!" we all knew we had a classic on our hands. Every site and horror fan raves about this movie. It can do no wrong. If you claim to be a horror fan and don’t like this outrageous splatterfest, then I’m guessing you’re one of those people who thought I Know What You Did Last Summer was the ultimate experience in grueling terror and that Jennifer Love Hewitt is a certified scream queen. If so: fuck off, asshole polisher of George Kennedy, or Father McGruder will kick YOUR ass for the Lord! This movie kicked my ass for the Lord.