A doctor gets a letter of summons, and heads off to the local tavern to hitch a ride to Dr. Orloff’s castle. I’m going to be honest right here at the beginning. This movie sucks. So much so that I’ve forgotten the hero doctor’s name. IMDB forgot what it was, too. Believe me, it doesn’t make much difference. The acting is so wooden each character could be played by a tree and you wouldn’t notice anything different, other than a lack of dialogue and strange leafy protrusions from the actors‘ chests. If some connoisseur of French cinema *snicker* cares to fill me in, go ahead on. I won’t give a shit, but go ahead on anyway. He does bear some resemblance to Anthony Newley, though. We like that guy around here. Too bad this isn’t him. I’d really rather just watch Heronymous Merkin again. Yeah, you heard me. Eat me, Borntreger, it was a good movie. I’ll now be in witness protection if you need me. Back to the story, once his cabbie learns where he’s going, the good doctor is dumped in the middle of the woods and left to his own smelly French devices.

Giving up on finding another ride on a disused horse path in the middle of the great French outdoors in the pouring rain late at night, the good (I use the term loosely) doctor hoofs it for castle Orloff. He’s let in by the stable guy, but the servants aren’t terribly forthcoming. They don’t much like talking about their boss. Gee, unfriendly French people. Anyone else feeling a distinct lack of surprise? Once Chunk McBeeftallow the stable hand leaves, the female servant says that it was Orloff’s daughter who called the doctor, and that if he gets her out she’ll help him find Orloff’s daughter.

The girl says that something unnatural is going on. One day she was walking in the hall, and something was blocking her reflection in the mirror, but whatever it was didn’t reflect. Time for a rant. Going back to a chud I made a while back about invisible things, the "invisible" guy would be blind. More relevant to the movie, you’re supposed to be able to see through invisible things, which means light passes through them, which means that it would NOT have blocked her reflection. Unless this particular creature is selectively invisible, which is just stupid. Like this movie. And France. Too much fancy art-house coffee rots your brain. Onward and crapward.

Professor Orloff makes himself known at this point. He has the invisible man bring them some wine via a tray on a shaky string lowered from the rafters, and he tells the doctor about how he’s working on a new race of invisible super-creatures basically to say "I told you so" to his scornful colleagues. And we slip into a flashback.

Orloff’s daughter dies. He has some friends over to bury her in the family crypt. After a strange, hairy, French sort-of striptease thing, a woman named Maria seduces a guy named Roland (these names I remember because I have them written in my notes for some reason) into breaking into the crypt and stealing the daughter’s jewelery. Then she’ll marry Roland, who looks remarkably like Steve Brodie from Giant Spider Invasion. They open the coffin and find she was just sleeping and is rather freaked out to be in the coffin, so Roland stabs her. She escapes, makes it back to the castle, and tells Orloff what happened. Orloff beats hell out of Roland and chains him in the basement to die alone. Then he sends huntsmen to track down Maria and kill her. Apparently Orloff’s daughter went around the bend from the shock of the whole thing, and he did some experimenting on Roland. Returning from our flashback, we find the weather has gotten bad, and the doctor is persuaded to stay the night.

Orloff finds out the servant girl snitched on him, and sends the invisible thing to "punish" her. It chases her into the basement and has sex with her. I think it’s supposed to be a bad thing, but she seems to enjoy the whole thing, and it’s all just kinda stupid. You know what they say about being invisible, right? What you lose in opacity, you gain in…well, you get the idea. At this point, I have "red baboon ass" written in my notes. I have absolutely no idea what the hell that means. I’d rather sniff one for an hour and fifteen minutes instead of watching this stupid movie, though. Anywhy...

The doctor hears the girl’s screams and escapes his room. He finds her, but Orloff and his transparent companion find him and lock him in the dungeon. He tells the doctor that the creature needs human blood, and he’s on the docket for donation. Orloff goes to prepare the lab. The doctor grabs a conveniently placed torch and starts the wooden lock (!?) on fire. After he escapes, the walls start closing in on him. Apparently he lost himself in Dr. Claw’s headquarters.

Cecilia, Orloff’s daughter, saves him. They leave a trail of flour so the creature can’t follow them. Following its stop-motion footprints, she throws the bag of flour at it and it’s revealed to be…a scrungy monkey suit. Professor Orloff’s invisible super-monster is a kid in a drugstore monkey suit that got left out in the rain for a couple of months. The doctor whacks it with a fire poker and escapes with Cecilia while the castle burns to the ground, presumably taking Orloff with it. The creature escapes, but is eaten by the huntsman’s dogs. No, I’m not kidding. That’s really what happens.

Now do you understand why we hate French people? Give me two nuclear missiles. Texas and France glow in the dark for three million years. Maybe it’s just the disgusting fumes of their unwashed European bodies corroding their grey matter that make them so pathetic. Maybe if they discovered soap they’d make better movies. Or maybe they’d still suck and just smell better. Either way, don’t watch their movies.