Okay, here's how it be. We open on a T&A shot of a girl sticking her breasts through a knothole. Pretty much comic relief to hear Philip and Roosevelt's painful one-liners as they ogle her. Check out Roosevelt's face as he just misses a chance to touch her.
Now on to the meat (my own little one-liner! Haha!). May gets a new microwave (gee, wonder what that'll be used for? At work, Roosevelt tries teaching Philip how to dance. A white guy teaching a black guy rhythm! Classic stuff! Donald (played by Jackie Vernon, voice of Frosty the Snowman in the beloved Christmas cartoon and comic genius) complains about his wife's "gourmet" food.
When Donald gets home, there's some kinky sex goin' on next door. He looks on wistfully as he heads in to his wife, May. He's overwhelmed once again by May's unbearable personality and food. He imagines himself attacking her with a sword, but dolefully goes on eating the disgusting food as May puts on an even more disgusting display of how some men still find her attractive (nooo they don't). May makes a crack of how their dog Napoleon even eats better than him.
The next day Donald takes a dog food sandwich to lunch. Roosevelt successfully hits on the knothole girl after introducing her to the resident big buff guy who turns out to be a real flamer. After stopping at the bar on the way home Donald hits drunkenly on his neighbor (who's holding a cat), calling "Nice pussy. Pussy pussy pussy!"
At this point we gave up all hope of containing our laughter. This movie is hilarious.
Donald fights with May again, throwing her latest "gourmet" creation out the door after spitting on it. He demands a bologna and cheese sandwich served to him in the garage, but she refuses. He finally snaps, throwing stuff around the house, emptying the vacuum bag on the couch, and pissing all over the carpet. He then strangles May and beats her to death with a pepper shaker, stopping to throw some over his shoulder (isn't that supposed to be salt?) and making the funniest face in all of history. Napoleon shines in this scene, doing a hilarious double-take and slipping on the linoleum trying to escape.
Donald then throws her in the microwave, turns it on, and blacks out for the night.
He wakes up the next morning with no recollection of the previous night's events. When his lunch box is empty, he looks to see if there's any food in the microwave. He finds May, and in a fit of panic, cuts her up with a hacksaw and puts her in the freezer. He sits down and watches a TV news show about how the perfect crime can only be committed if you eat all the evidence (foreshadowing!!!). The show was edited wonderfully. The blips for cutting swear words misfire every time. This is one of the funniest scenes in the film, and there are many.
That night, Donald goes for a midnight snack. He grabs May's hand in a sleep haze and starts munching. He realizes it's her, but he's only horrified for a second as she's actually quite tasty. The next day he takes a barbequed arm to work for lunch and his co-workers find it yummy as well. But supply can not meet demand, so he starts picking up hookers (he's incredibly happy about this, as he and May were last intimate back in 1962) to screw and eat. It's insane how he gets so many relatively hot chicks to his place. If you've ever seen ol' Jackie you'd wonder too.
He tells his psychiatrist about it, concerned that he may have a bit of a problem (no shit, Sherlock!). The doc falls asleep listening to him, and covers by waking up and saying that it's perfectly fine what Donald is doing. Surprised but happy, he goes on his merry way.
May's sister stops by later that night and discovers the truth, so Donald ties her up, gags her with a piece of bread, and throws her in the closet. Leaving her there, he goes in for a doctor's appointment where we learn that he has a pacemaker. PLOT POINT! That night Donald and his buddies plan another bachelor's excursion, and he offers to bring the munchies, but he needs time to prepare.
In the process of nuking the latest batch of hooker, the microwave shorts his pacemaker and he drops like a load of bricks. His buddies find him laying dead on the floor, a slew of body parts cookin' in the ol' X1-74A. The house goes up for sale, and as the real-estate guys are checking the wiring on the microwave, they discover that "this thing is a death-trap for anyone with a pacemaker!". We close with a shot of May's head with glowing red eyes. I guess her ghost rewired the microwave.
I may have underestimated this movie's taste. Nothing could ever hope to get a bigger recommendation from me. Five all the way.
Check out Ragnarok's updated review for Microwave Massacre
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