A POV cam attacks a lone fisherman. Those POV cams are vicious in the wild. The capture and taming of these savage beasts has been used for the betterment of slasher flicks the world over. The man’s arm is ripped off by the POV cam, and the opening credits ooze out of his bleeding stump.

Then we cut to a completely different flashback of different characters. There’s sickeningly happy music playing in the background. The new people are college students on their way to class to watch some fuzzy footage of killings attributed to Bigfoot. Looks more like someone dragged a throw rug over the lens, but then that’s just me. Then we cut to another flashback (make it stop!), presumably derived from one of the newspaper clippings the students are reading. A couple is having sex in a van on a deserted road in the woods. The girl sees a face or something in the window, which quickly moves away. You’d think that this would be a little more disconcerting as there are obviously no other humans for miles, but she decides to let it go and keep on aardvarkin’. Bad move. The dude is dragged out of the van and his bloodied face mushed against the windshield. The girl promptly dies of fright.

Next we have the bedroom of Professor "The Nuge," leader of our intrepid explorers, and his wife as they discuss the preparations for his class’s expedition to find out the truth about Bigfoot. The next morning, the professor and a boatload of students head on out to the site where the fisherman, apparently the father of one of the girls in the expedition, was killed. She doesn’t seem to be bothered by this at all. “Yep, this is where my father was killed.”

A little further up in the woods, they find a cabin and a guy with a gun. They quiz him about the legends of Bigfoot, but he refuses to talk, slamming the door in their faces. So they do what any logical group of people would do when confronted with an edgy guy with a large gun. They pitch their fucking tent right in the middle of his goddamn yard!

Later that night, one of the students approaches the old guy with a bottle of liquor. This was what they should have done all along. For one cheap bottle of whiskey, the old guy spills everything he knows about what he was dead set on keeping a secret just a few hours ago. He tells the kid all about a woman named Crazy Wanda, who lives in the woods by herself. Her father apparently burned to death years ago. Satisfied with the story, the kid goes back to camp and tells his colleagues about it. The next morning, everyone goes into the small nearby town to gather more info.

They find out that Wanda also had a hideously deformed monster baby, and that there’s some kind of monster that violently kills people out in the deep woods. So the next day they happily wake up with the sun and trek into the woods unarmed to investigate rumors of a marauding demon. Good idea, geniuses. Doesn’t watching horror movies just make you want to slap these people silly? But then again if no one acted like a braindead idiot, we wouldn’t have much of a movie and no one would get killed. They’d just send a few guys with really big guns into the forest and mulch Bigfoot, end of story. So onward to the killing!

Another pointless flashback related by the Professor. This time a random biker dude that looks remarkably like Ferox's dad stops to pee in the bushes and Bigfoot rips his dong off. Gratuitous bleeding dong stump shot as he staggers back to his motorcycle. Just as the story is finishing, the campers hear a strange noise and go to investigate. They find some kind of cult worshipping a big fuzzy statue with no face and doing a strange fertility ritual or something. Now, this whole movie pretty much sucks, but this scene has some of if not the worst damn acting I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. Makes you wonder if these people are so bland and cardboard here when they’re supposed to be conveying some serious emotions, what are they like in real life? They probably make Al Gore seem as interesting as Jack Nicholson. But I digress. They scare away the cultists with a cap gun (I know, I know, it’s not supposed to be, but even my suspension of disbelief won’t allow me to accept this one, and I’m an avid "Doctor Who" fan), and knock over a can of gas, starting a huge forest fire. They leave the spreading flames happily licking and go back to camp, but the fire never causes a problem. Either the forest animals have some kind of volunteer fire service or those trees have steel bark.

That night, the Professor and his wife have concurrent dreams of Bigfoot killing him, as the aforementioned monster spies on their camp. The next morning they find a footprint from the monster. It’s rounded and looks like a large work boot print, so I guess Bigfoot wears Wolverines or something. See, ‘cause they’re both forest animals and stuff. Shut up. Anyway, the next night (wow, the days are just flyin’ by. Too bad this movie doesn’t) a couple of the students are having sex and the guy’s back is clawed by Bigfoot, but the monster runs away for some reason. Probably got a good look at the guy’s ass and was terrified. The couple says neither of them saw what attacked them. Oh, have I mentioned that while I’ve been calling the thing Bigfoot through the whole review, that none of the people in the movie yet seem to know what it is. Come on, we know already. Just admit it. You didn’t have enough money to make a cool demon so you just made a really bad Bigfoot costume out of your old shag carpeting. That’s what they did in The Creeping Terror, too, except that was an alien. Don’t be so ashamed. Okay, maybe you should be.

The next morning (I know, I know, I’ve said that about thirty times. I guess they spent the entire semester looking for Bigf…uh…I mean, the demon. Yeah. The demon) they pad the film by hiking some more and find Crazy Wanda’s cabin. They find her sitting in a rocking chair in the middle of the room and grill her for information. I think it needs to be mentioned that this girl is UGLY AS FUCK. She’s scarier than Sissy Spacek with no makeup. She freaks when one of them shows her a plaster cast of the “demon’s” (hehehe!) foot. That night there are more flashback killings. Why they weren’t briefed before the mission and decided to save the brutal killing stories to use a few at a time for campfire stories I have no idea. A woodcutter gets hacked with his own axe. I guess shallow shoulder wounds are fatal. Okay. Then some girl scouts who look to be about thirty get stabbed to death with their own knives. I wish I had been in girl scouts instead of boy scouts. The boys just get shitty little Swiss army knives and stuff. The girls apparently were issued machetes and daggers. Then there’s a big masturbation joke about an old shotgun. Well, at least that’s how we interpreted it. I doubt the makers of this movie were intelligent enough to include such an involved and witty joke, but it’s hard to see how something this blatant could be unintentional.

"That thing’s so old, it’ll probably blow up in your face!"
"So I’ll just clean it off."

Okay, back to the story. Pete, the Tom Petty lookalike of the group, gets his head mashed into a tree. They’re all sad about his death (finally they care that someone got greased). One of them points out that his body’s nowhere around, so maybe he’s still alive. There’s a huge brain juice stain on that tree and his gun’s lying there. He’s dead you idiot.

They try to hypnotize Wanda into telling her story. She tries to block a mysterious door when they move toward it, but they force it anyway and she looses it again when they open the door. It’s some kind of shrine. They finally calm her down and hypnotize her into an exposition scene. Her father was one of those psycho religious types and he whips her severely for having a boyfriend. He convinces her she’s a dirty fornicator even though she’s done nothing wrong. I’d just like to take a moment to say that I despise people like that and the world would be a much happier place if they all died and took their closed-minded shitty attitudes with them. Live and let live, people. You’re the ones who’re supposed to preach peace and understanding, remember? You tout your Bibles so fucking much, why don’t you read the goddamn New Testament once in a while? That’s what the whole thing’s supposed to be all about. Quit being such a bunch of ass-ramming bungholes to everyone who doesn’t see things the way you tell them they should and maybe more people will listen to you. Fuckers. Okay, back to the story again. One night Bigfoot attacks Wanda. He screws her and runs away. She later gives birth to a slimy cabbage patch doll despite her father’s efforts to kill the thing. He flips and kills it. Now, I know this is a low-budget movie, but come on now. This Bigfoot costume fucking sucks and I mean SUCKS! You can see the stuntman’s fingers sticking out of the fur- covered bum gloves on his hands. Couldn’t you even afford to get some gloves with fingers? Yeesh.

They finally calm her down after the traumatic flashback and go out to dig up the baby’s corpse to see if it really was deformed and what she said it was. It sure enough is. But what they dig up is a sheep skull!? I don’t get it. But if they couldn’t afford to give Bigfoot fingers, I guess they couldn’t afford to make a deformed skeleton prop either. Bigfoot attacks the diggers and they hoof it back to the cabin, where Wanda tells them that Bigfoot leaves her gifts (awww, Neanderthal chivalry), and that she in fact burned her father for killing the little Bigfoot. As she’s finishing her story, Bigfoot leaves what we presumed to be Pete’s dead body at the front door. Then he attacks the cabin to draw them away from his girl. Now, right here is where one of our favorite running jokes comes from. Bigfoot’s teleporter. Bigfoot’s arms crash through the window, while on the other side of the cabin, the door is being pounded off its hinges by the SAME CREATURE! Bigfoot has a teleporter that allows him to jump gaps in space/time! Pretty advanced technology for a big primitive monkey dude. This device was later stolen from him and makes appearances regularly in many other movies, most notoriously apparent in Death Ship.

Bigfoot eventually breaks in and the dark haired girl whose father was killed in the beginning gets Vadered (Bigfoot crushes her throat while holding her off the ground. See Star Wars: A New Hope if you don’t get that reference). The guy who stopped to take Bigfoot’s picture in the middle of the battle gets body-slammed on a bandsaw and Bigfoot pulls his guts out. Kudos for using real slaughterhouse guts here. Another guy attacks Bigfoot with an axe and Bigfoot puts his head through a window, slicing his throat on the glass. Then the Big Guy slams the blonde chick against a wall and puts a pitchfork through her spine. Quite a good impaling scene for such a shitty movie. The Professor gets his face mushed against the griddle, which I guess is left on 24/7. Whatever. When he pulls away, he’s wearing those little plastic novelty vampire teeth. Why? WHY? Stupid movie. Bigfoot leaves without killing him off. Maybe he was bored. Maybe there were reruns of "Alf" he wanted to catch. I don’t know.

End flashback. Back at the hospital, he implores the two doctors and the cop in his room to track down Bigfoot, but of course no one believes his story. The head shrinker certifies him criminally insane and they blame him for the killings. Then we switch back to the Bigfoot POV cam on the Professor’s face and a growl. Maybe Bigfoot felt bad for killing all his friends and brought him a Get Well Soon bouquet. Who cares? The movie’s over! YAAAYY!

Bigfoot can wrap his furry neanderthal lips around my testicles. I hate the people that made this movie, and the manufacturers of the tent those morons put up in that dude's yard.