So our story begins in earnest with a creepy evil dude and his lobster boy sidekick planting garage door openers around what is apparently an engine room or something. Outside, several of the S.S.’s shuttles are returning to base, one with a transport of creatures called Bellerians in tow. Just before they get back inside, they have a short battle with some footage stolen from “Battlestar Galactica”. As the last ship is coming in, piloted by our intrepid hero Rider, Kalgan (the evil dude) sets off his gara – uh, explosives. Rider’s ship crashes, blowing up the docking bay and killing his passenger, a professor whom we were never introduced to but apparently quite a guy. Rider escapes the conflagration by way of a cloud of packing peanuts disguised as a transport beam.

It is discovered that the explosion in the docking bay was caused by sabotage, and the ship’s captain, who bears a striking resemblance to a jolly old elf partial to cooler climes, wants to keep an eye on their new passengers, the Bellerians, who turn out to be an extraterrestrial aerobics team. A squad of specially trained welcome mullets escorts the Bellerians to their room. The S.S. lacks a bit in hospitality because the Bellerians are stuck in a stripped-out meat locker, but they don’t seem to mind.

The mutineers have a meeting, and Kalgan tells us that they have now isolated the crew of the S.S. because their docking bay is all messed up and they can’t get out, so they must listen to the mutineers’ orders. Kalgan and his bunch want to force the S.S. to land on a planet so he can rule them all. One of the mutineers objects, so McPherson, Kalgan’s #2, vents the man’s ribcage with his cane.

Rider, a big oaf whose brain has most likely been replaced by muscle, is introduced to Captain Santa, and they watch a tape of the crash. We are interrupted as the Bellerians call a dude to their chambers, but the guards take him away. This happens several times throughout the movie and is, as far as I can see, one of the many pointless aspects of this movie. Then again, this movie being made is a pointless aspect, so let’s continue, shall we? One of the tech team explains that Rider escaped and the Prof. Died because the Rice Crispy transport beam is only hooked up to the pilot. Leah, the captain’s daughter, was apparently a good friend of the professor’s and bitches out Rider, running to her greenhouse for comfort.

A private discovers the use of the explosives in the crash, but on his way to the bridge to squeal, Kalgan throws his ass over a railing. This movie is fraught with railing kills. We have a tally. More on that later. While all this is happening, Rider tracks down Leah in the greenhouse and explains to her that he and the professor were good buddies too, and he’s just as upset as she is, but there’s nothing either of them can do about it. They make up and go to an 80’s techno hula-hoop club bar thing. You heard me. 80’s techno hula-hoop dancing. Leah seduces Rider with her sexy hula-hoop moves, but before they can go off and make the sign of the three-pronged space goose, they see a girl from the bridge get pulled away and shot by Kalgan’s men. Before I continue I’d just like to tell you that this woman has the biggest goddamn package I have ever seen. It’s frightening. Anyway, Leah and Rider try to chase down Kalgan on one of the enforcers’ zamboni patrol vehicles. The bad guys evade them, and Kalgan sends a troop to attack them. Railing kills! They escape the attack, and discover Kalgan’s plot to take over the S.S. While they’re planning to put down the mutiny, Kalgan puts out an APB for their capture. Kinda sucks when the guy you’re trying to stop is the head of security. But after a few more ridiculously inept fight scenes, they escape again.

Meanwhile, Captain Santa gets a visit from the Bellerians’ leader. She tells him that the people of the S.S. have fallen prey to darkness. They must fight Kalgan and his evil schemes. The captain then calls a conference to plan an attack on the mutineers. The council names Rider the new flight commander and puts out warnings about Kalgan. Upon hearing these announcements, Kalgan instructs his men to find and kill Rider and Leah. There’s a big party for Rider’s promotion, but he leaves it to go have sex with Leah. I just have to say that this is the most retarded setup for an entirely unnecessary nipple shot I have ever seen. Stupid movie. Elsewhere, the Bellerians call some lame guys into their chamber for some energy ball sex. They guys get caught, and Kalgan puts them on ice.

Some pirate ships attack the S.S. and we are treated to no less than four shots of previous explosions, and more stolen footage of “Battlestar Galactica”. The S.S. takes a beating for a while, but then Captain Santa says he dislikes violence even for self-defense reasons, pushes a little red button, and NUKES THE FUCKING SPACE PIRATES OUT OF EXISTANCE! What a worthless captain! He let his ship get the shit blown out of it, likely killing many of his crew, hoping the nice pirates would just leave them alone before he finally did something about it! Retard. Then they have another party. An announcer says "Congratulations for having successfully defended the S.S. against a pirate attack." What? WHY? Do these people throw a fucking party every time someone takes a shit? Goddamn, their entire hold must be full of champagne and snack food.

During this party, Kalgan captures Leah. He wants her to give him the captain’s plans to put down the mutiny, which are probably to give them all hugs and ask them nicely to please not take over the ship. She refuses, so he decides to laser out her teeth after insulting her knowledge of ancient dentistry. Luckily, McPherson interrupts and they leave Leah with the stupidest and least trustworthy guard in the history of guarding. She seduces him easily, and Rider comes to her rescue. They escape. How many damn times have these two escaped so far? Well, ol’ Kalgan discovers their escape and is none too happy about it. He sends more men after them, but they fight their way free again. This whole damn movie is a repeat of that one fucking scene. Kalgan sends men, they escape. Kalgan sends men, they escape. Bellerians rub their asses on Spencer Gifts trinkets. Kalgan sends more men, they escape. We SNORE.

Then the final battle erupts, if you can call it erupting. More like giving a weak little pop, but you get the idea. Rider’s crew fights Kalgan’s crew. McPherson escapes, and Rider tracks him down. He hides in the gas expulsion tank, so Rider turns on the gas and fries him with a laser blast. Apparently the guns in this movie require the shooter to scream "AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHH!!!!!!" when they fire, ‘cause Rider does it with great relish. It is presumed that Kalgan was killed in the battle, but they see him trying to sneak away in a zamboni, so they give chase again. In a chase rivaled by the one in Mitchell for slowness and stupidity, Kalgan is killed. Again. In one of the funniest moments in the history if film, Rider kamikazes his ass, screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHH!!!!!!" right up to the crash. Then he just stops. His face goes completely blank as he jumps out of the doomed floor waxer.

We are treated to a speech something to the effect that the Bellerians came to the S.S. on purpose to cleanse it of evil or some hippy bullshit like that. Rider asks Leah to marry him. Then a stray POV cam finds Kalgan near the crash. His eyes open. He’s not dead. Again. On my. Shock. Surprise. End.

Damn movie.

Oh, and that railing kill tally I mentioned: 23. Yep. 23 damn railing kills in one movie. Thank you, Canada. (Note: A railing kill is any death where a railing directly contributes to the death. That includes falling down stairs and grabbing and/or sliding down the railing. If anyone counts different than us, write to us and we'll double check our copy. We want to make sure our completely irrelevant trivia is accurate.)