Why do I bring that shit up? Well, it’s kind of a disclaimer and warning to you, the fragile and easily offended reader. Having witnessed 15 minutes of this movie as a tease by my good friend Quill, I can already tell that this flick we’re about to see is most likely going to melt my fucking brain. I mean just look at that title. It’s called fucking Kottentail, for kryst’s sake! Take a moment before doing any more reading and consider the implications of that title. Really let it roll around in your cranium for a minute are two. Did Night of the Lepus hop through your synapses? Are you seeing a Godzilla-sized mutated rabbit terrorizing a city? Or maybe you just considered a porn where a chick wears cute little bunny ears, has painted whiskers on her cheeks and a cotton ball glued above the crack of her ass. (Actually, I’m hereby copyrighting that last idea, you bastards!) Whatever you thought of, I guarantee that anything that skipped through your skull has got to be better than this thing.

They came up with a catchy little tag-line on the front: “He’s Hopping Mad!” Yes, they even had the exclamation mark at the end. These are professionals we’re dealing with, after all. And they, of course, know the power of a well placed exclamation mark! But wait. They’ve outdone themselves on the back by taking their wicked wordplay a step up with: “Everyone needs a little Tail!” Again, all the capitalizations and exclamations are all the work of our genius filmmakers. We are truly in the presence of gods, here.

Here’s a brief synopsis of the brief synopsis on the back: blah blah blah animal rights activists blah free rabbit bloop de blah attacks guy blah blah mutant man/rabbit dooby doo 5 beautiful women bippity bleh holiday horror classic.

Whew. We are definitely in for a treat, boys and girls. And bunnies. Can’t forget the cute little bunnies.

Before we begin, (I just keep putting it off for as long as possible, don‘t I?) I’m a bit confused by the rating. TV MA? “TV”? WTF is that? Well, it’s MA for Crude Indecent Language, Explicit Sexual Activity and Graphic Violence. But it’s got a goddamn TV rating! How can you have all of that cool sounding shit when it’s rated for television broadcast? Anything on Adult Swim is TV MA. South Park is TV MA. Somehow, I just think they rated themselves, instead of paying for an MPAA rating. And knowing nothing about…oh, I don’t know,… going UNRATED, these idiots chose the feared TV MA. Fucking morons. Moving on….

Upon starting the DVD, they really want you to watch a trailer for a movie called Branded, as it starts automatically. If heating up a spoon and putting it on somebody’s chest is branding, then poking someone with a pencil in their thigh must be “piercing”. Then you have your choice of 12 trailers. TWELVE TRAILERS! Wow, usually, I’m stoked to watch trailers. They’re like little movies, but better because you don’t have the boring shit in there. That thinking does not apply, here. I watched one for Goth, cuz goth bitches are hot, dammit. And both Branded and Goth are the biggest, shittiest trailers I’ve ever seen. Honestly.

Let’s get to the movie and stop prolonging the torture, shall we?

It just took me 15 fucking minutes on the internet to find out how goddamn long this stupid thing is. No site could let me know, including the official website. Jezuz! I already hate you, movie. You better pull some titties and funny uses of bad words out really fucking quick to win me over. (BTW, 90 minutes, if you care.)

Nice shitty titles with no sound or music. That’s quality. Oh, wait. Here’s a second set of titles that actually have music. Why two sets of credits? I’m not even drunk or high and I’m already confused.

They’re ripping off Creepshow with what is supposed to look like comic panels, except they‘re shitty. I guess that’s supposed to give them free license to be as stupid as they want. I dunno.

Ok, so there’s this Doctor type guy who’s talking about Subject F-13. F-13? Could that be a subtle nod to Friday the 13th? I highly doubt it. Probably just a coincidence and I’m reading more into this than the filmmakers deserve. Let’s forget I even mentioned it. Anyway, F-13 is “alert and apparently healthy”. Now, here is our first look at the mysterious Subject F-13 looking “alert and apparently healthy”. It’s a stuffed rabbit. I don’t mean a stuffed-dead rabbit. I mean a stuffed rabbit that you buy your nephew or girlfriend for Easter. And it’s sitting there immobile.

The doctor guy tests the stuffed rabbit’s (here-on referred to as SR) reflexes by shocking the cage. The SR reacts by having someone off-screen pull on a string so that he can “hop” about the cage in a frantic manner. Oh god. Is this movie over, yet? What? It’s not even 5 minutes in? SHIT!

So, apparently, the whole point of their experiments is to make rabbits healthier. What, are rabbits in-breeding so much that they now have faulty immune systems? Hmm. I should read the paper more often. Oh, or maybe they’re trying to make a super-soldier. Thanks for keeping it ambiguous, movie. I’m sure that deep in your heart you actually know what’s going on. I trust you, movie. With all of my heart.

So, the hot-ass scientist chick helping with the experiments has named SR Federico. And she explains that SR became aggressive when she put a *ahem* stuffed rabbit into his cage. Seriously, she holds up a different stuffed rabbit and SR freaks out at the sight of it. And you can see the goddamn string as SR flails about inside. I never thought I’d see the day where a stuffed rabbit that’s not supposed to be a stuffed rabbit tries to attack a stuffed rabbit that is actually supposed to be a stuffed rabbit. I can’t believe I just typed that fucking retarded sentence.

Leaving behind our SR and the hottie scientist, we’re next introduced to our female rodent liberators. They’re reciting their lines next to a busy highway with a bunch of semis flying by, so it’s easy to ignore the horrible dialogue. One of the chicks distracts the security guard by giving him some donuts, or something. Boy, that’s comedy, right there. Then she gets in the car and the guard says he would like to see her boobs. So, the filmmakers, being the quality guys they are, cut to a close-up of a pair of stunt-titties filmed in slow motion. I guess this must be that “Explicit Sexual Activity”, or something.

Back to our experimentation lab, which consists of one (1) folding table with various shit on it and one (1) animal cage containing SR. Oh, and the door to the lab is unlocked, so it’s reeaall fucking easy to break in and liberate a stupid SR. And the movie makes no effort to hide the fact that that the SR is an SR.

So, SR is freed and off to greener pastures.

We’re introduced to Hans, some farmer-type guy. And his last name is *whimpers and cries softly* Kottentail. Hans goddamn Kottentail! SR is spotted in Han’s imaginary vegetable garden and Hans attacks the SR by picking it up and yelling at it. However, in an unexpected turn of events, there is a “munching” sound on the soundtrack that indicates SR just bit Hans. SR escapes. I guess he politely asked the director to turn the camera on and off so someone could move him a little further each time. An astounding effect that Ray Harryhausen could never top. Ever. I’m serious. Never.

Surprise! Hans grows pointy ears (And, yes, they just put Spock ears on him and didn’t bother to make them blend in with his real ears) and buck teeth.

Finally, we get a good scene in the movie. There’s a hot blond chick in her bra and panties who’s getting spanked by another chick. Unfortunately, 2 of the 3 girls standing around spanking her look like that Hogotha puppet from The Dark Crystal. The Asian chick is kinda cute, though.

Hans knocks on the door and offers carrots (witty!) as a gift to the sorority chick. (And even though there are lots of trees and shit, you can still hear those damn trucks barreling down the nearby highway)

One of our liberators is next revealed to actually be a prostitute. She’s having sex on top of a guy, but she’s wearing her robe. She was the one that they threw in the stunt-titties for, earlier. So I guess she has no problem pretending to fuck a guy while pretending to be a whore, but showing her tits is just against her morals. Either that, or she has really nasty titties. Judging by her mouth, which resembles a redneck shark’s, I’d have to say that they’re pretty nasty looking. Hence the stunt-tits.

Hans’ transformation continues. As he pulls up his pants, after taking a crap (thank you for that, movie) we see that he has…OH, YOU DID NOT, YOU FUCKERS!…a goddamn cotton ball glued above the crack of his ass! Aggghhhh!!!! My fantasies are ruined! *sigh* The porn that will never be, thanks to fucking Kottentail. Oh, and his shit is little cocoa-puff looking turds. Ha…….ha…….ha……I am laughing so hard.

Hans goes out for some peeping-tom-foolery and is busted by some sloppy fat guy (SFG). The SFG can’t get his lines right, but it’s not a big deal because Hans grows a pair of gloves with some fur glued on them and some claws. He pretends to scratch the SFG and then HOPS AWAY FROM THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. He fucking hops the fucking hell away. You have GOT to see this to believe it. (Actually, don’t see it. Seriously.)

Remember the experimentation lab? Well, when they’re not using it, I guess they loan it out to the Department of Animal Control, who puts the cage on the OTHER side of the fold-out table. A chubby, balding guy sits behind that quality table and proceeds to not get his lines right, while on the job. And the music makes my eyes bleed. Why my eyes and not my ears? Not a clue! I just hope I bleed enough to forget I ever watched this shit. The music is “goofy” and “funny”. Or at least these filmmakers thought so. One redeeming factor: The scientist chick wears a hot fucking outfit and seduces the chubby guy. But we don’t see it. We just cut back to her wearing bra and panties and she leaves with her SR.

Now, wait a minute. This bitch was in “Playboy” and she can’t even show her potatoes for the camera? WTF? Take your top off, dammit.

Ok, fuck this scene-by-scene shit. I can’t take it, anymore. Let’s finish this terrible thing off.

Han’s slam-dunks a decapitated head through a basketball hoop. All the girls get together and dress with bunny ears, cute fuzzy pink bras, and panties with puffy bunny tails on the backs to try to attract him. Everybody dies, except stupid-ass Kottentail. Hope I didn’t ruin the end for you.

Now, if you go to the IMDB, don’t believe a goddamn word that is said in the “User Comments”. They are obvious “plants” put there by the douche-bags that made this movie. Here are just a few quotes:
“Excellent jokes, gore and hijinx ensue”
“What really makes this movie work is a fantastic screenplay.”
“without a shadow of a doubt, Kottentail is one of the best horror/comedies ever made”

What an absolute load of shit! This movie has nothing going for it. It’s not funny, gory or sexy. And when it comes to the end, there’s um, the blond, the blond, the other blond, the brunette and the chubby brunette. There is no fucking screenplay. Only a few tittie shots and no extreme anything! Fuck all this shit.

Even on the website, they try to play this out like it’s this well-crafted ultra-low-budget film. If they just came out and said: “This is a no-budget piece of shit, but we had fun making it. Maybe you’ll have fun making fun of it.”, it might be tolerable. But they seem to take themselves pretty seriously. Get a grip, guys.

Tell you what, when I finally get my no-budget piece of shit done, you can feel free to try to tear it apart. Good luck. Cuz I’m not gonna pretend it’s “A tale of unspeakable HORROR! Beautiful WOMEN! & Stomach-turning GORE!”, which your movie has NONE of, btw. I’m gonna be honest and say it’s a cheap piece of shit that’s just trying to have a good time. So fuck you.

Avoid this fucker like the plague.