Ladies and gentleman, I give you Troll. Of course, with the way this site is laid out, you already knew that, so that last sentence was very pointless. I apologize.

Troll came out of that wonderful little bankrupt company called Empire, which was run by Charles Band before he got obsessed with tiny, murderous puppets. Some great classics came out of there: Re-Animator and From Beyond (both extremely gory) spring to mind. But Troll is a different creature. It’s a fucking kids movie. No, no. I’m serious. Empire made a fucking kids movie. Sure, they tried to cash in on Gremlins with Ghoulies, and it was PG-13, but definitely NOT aimed at kids, whereas Troll is obviously playing it for fun.

I loved growing up in the 80s. They would play horror flicks on regular TV all the damn time and this one was no exception.

Our story concerns our typical 80’s family (mom, dad, daughter and older brother) who are moving into a new apartment building. Oh, and the dad is played by the great Michael Moriarty! There’re all sorts of crazy tenants: the macho military type, the bachelor/swinger and the eccentric old woman.

The little girl loses her bouncy ball in the basement and is attacked by the troll, who now looks just like her. He’s got this ring that he uses to poke people and turn them into pods that split open and create a little fairy-world microcosm in their apartment. And he plans to do this to each person until all his little fairy-world friends are free. It’s up to the brother, who is the only one that realizes something is not right with his sister, to find out what the hell is going on from the old bitch upstairs and stop this crazy shit.

This movie is not all that great. This is not anywhere near the level of Re-Animator or From Beyond. It may have something to do with the director. Before I lay that blame on him, let’s see who he is…..Why, it’s John Carl Buechler (Pronounced “Beekler”, BTW)! Hey! I’ve met this guy! What a nice chap he was. Even invited me to a theater screening of the unrated Friday the 13th 7 (which he also directed and is one of my favorite entries) that I had to decline. Buechler started out doing FX for various productions (including Ghoulies and The Dungeon Master) and moved on to directing. Right on, John. You’re living the dream. Here, he directs, co-writes and also does the FX work. Quite a work-load there, John. But you did ok, just not “great”.

Ok, so it was one of his early efforts, and it’s obvious he wasn’t all that familiar or comfortable in the directing role. But the main problem is…………Puppets. Yes, goddamn puppets. That’s what the majority of the creatures in this movie are created through: the magic of puppetry. And that aint all that scary or convincing, dammit.

It’s a nice little concept and it’s actually fun if you remember what it was like being a kid and being fascinated by things you’d never seen before.

Wait, wait, wait. This just in: The reason the PUPPETS are a problem is because of this OTHER major problem…………Budget. Oh, hell yeah. The budget must have been stretched so thin that they couldn’t afford toilet paper on set. I know it had to be a low budget, simply because it was Empire, but they pulled off some ok shit with that pocket change. The troll looks pretty good. Mainly ‘cuz he’s not a fucking puppet, but a midget in a suit and a nice animatronic face. And there’s a giant something or other that looks pretty bad-ass, but it’s shot with forced perspective that doesn’t always work.

Some cool actors played along on this film. Beside Moriarty, who loves quirky roles (and this one’s funny as hell), you get Sonny Bono, Julia Louis Dreyfus and not just Anne, but June Lockhart, as well. Everybody seems to be having a great time doing this silly little movie.

Now, I said this was aimed at kids, but you need to be aware that it can be pretty dark, at times. It’s not a constant, overbearing feel, but it creeps in every once in awhile. Other than that, there’s a big scene where all the various monsters are singing/chanting and it’s kind of a cool little tune with no real words. Hell, if I had kids and I needed alone time to clean the kitchen, or something, I’d sit them down in front of this IF we’d watched it together once or twice and was able to answer any questions and make sure they were cool with it.

Ok, I went and got all parental and shit. This isn’t a fucking family website, goddammit!

But while we’re talking about kids: Do you really bounce a ball up and down and say “Peas porridge hot. Peas porridge cold. Etc…” and that’s fucking fun? Is it challenging? Cuz this little bitch loses her ball just bouncing it straight up and down only about 3 feet. What the shit is that? Come on! I was playing Hacky-sack when I was a kid. I bet she’d be fucked if she tried to chew gum and walk at the same time.

*ahem* Sorry ‘bout that.

Anyway, this has some cool FX and some funny lines, but it’s strictly kiddie-show, all the way. If you just wanna have a light-hearted FX showpiece and laugh at how immobile the puppets are, you could do worse. I’m looking at you, Ghoulies. All of you.

So, to come back to my original point: Somebody in Hollywood should remake this fucker with a decent budget and FX, tweak the script but keep the fun and you’d have a movie for kids that crazy bastards like us could enjoy, as well.