I’d like to begin with a direct quote from Troll 2: “To make a long story short, Peter started to run and run and run.” And you should, as well, if you don’t enjoy having total shit shoved into your eyeballs and ears for 95 minutes.

This movie sucks so bad that I’m surprised the universe hasn’t imploded. Don’t get me wrong, though. This isn’t on a suckiness level like… oh… umm… Last Slumber Party. That film should erase existence in totality. No, this one is actually fun. But oh my fucking Christ is it shit!

I can already tell ,from my opening paragraphs, that this movie is trying to drive me into “rant mode” and make this less of a review and more like random statements that baffle the mind. And a lot of cursing, of course.

So, before I let the disc play, again, let’s crank out something that is coherent.

I CAN’T DO IT!!! AGGHH!! *walks away from TV and computer and talks to himself for an hour*

Hey, guys! I’m back. Did you know that the director (writer) used a fake name on this film? Heh. That’s… nice.

I’m trying to figure out if this opening scene of a young guy with a very “prop” hat is based on an actual pre-existing story or if it just sucks on its own. So, this Peter guy is running from midgets in fat-suits and very bad masks. Frankly, I just think they want him to take off his retarded hat. He does a stunt-roll and knocks himself out. Luckily, I guess fat midgets with bad masks and potato-sacks don’t attack unconscious people. But hot bitches will appear and feed you green slop, which is helpful if you want to spontaneously ooze green shit out of your head.

Jesus, the movie already looks like a junior high play and then they amp it up with the most obvious painted-on freckles in history. Shit, Pippy Longstocking was more realistic, you morons!

Here’s the deal: If I broke this movie down, scene by scene, and explained to you every ridiculous moment, this review would take days to read. So I’m going to breeze through a recap and then rant and rave. Besides, I’m not known for my detailed and drawn out opinions. So let’s get started.

All that shit about Peter was narrated by an annoying old man (Grandpa Seth) who is dead, but still visits his grandson to read him stories that are suspiciously relevant to our movie. Our family (of 4, which is about the only thing similar to the original film) is involved in a bizarre home exchange with another family. It’s trading spaces old-skool! The douche-bag family is trading houses with the inbred family from Nilbog.

Nilbog? Hmm… That’s a strange name for a town.

Everybody is creepy in Nilbog.

Nilbog? Something about that name.

*Hello, everyone. This is Jessica, Nix’s girlfriend. At this point, Nix passed out after starting the movie every 10 minutes. He thought small doses of movie and large doses of beer would help. He was very wrong.*

Thanks, baby.

So….Nilbog. Is that “troll” spelled backwards?