Where to start about this film… I suppose I should give you a brief synopsis of what was in it. I would like to do that too, except it’s not so easy to explain the plot, seeing as I’m not sure what the plot actually is. It’s not for the lack of attention to the film; it’s the crappiness it’s been put together with. I hold the writers and the director to blame for that. If anything, they should have treated the audience like the schmucks we are and had someone, anyone, explain what happened. But they didn’t, and so we are stuck trying to piece it all together.

It starts off with a long ass paragraph explaining that an ancient race, named the Abskani, had built and opened a gate to another dimension and thus wiped themselves out with the creatures of the dark. Then we are taken to an orphanage where 20 children are taken for experiments by Professor Hudgens. One child got away and hid in a high voltage box, thus electrocuting himself. The children are all “recovered” and thus moved on with their lives.

The child who was electrocuted was named Edward Carnby. As an adult he is a paranormal investigator and an ex member of a secret government organization titled “713”. He found a gold ring of some sort and was chased by a person who seemed to want him dead. After killing and leaving the guy, he starts studying the ring. Elsewhere, there was a gold coffin being brought out of the ocean by the Professor that was opened by the crew of the ship. When this happened, 19 of the 20 now grown children turn into zombies and walk away from their lives. One of the wives contacts Edward about her husband disappearing and thus he begins to get deeper into the investigation. He was trying to figure out what’s happening, and how to stop it. To do this, he enlists the help of his girlfriend: an archeologist and another member of 713.

I honestly have to say that I don’t know what genre this movie belongs to. It has all the narrative of a 1950’s black and white gumshoe movie, all the monster-like sci-fi of Predator and Alien, and all the gore of a horror movie. Maybe it was thought that if the creators branched out into several genres they would make more money, though why would anyone want to pay to see this stupid, silly, crazy, nauseating film is beyond me.

Seriously, it was actually nauseating. I’m not talking about the blood or how people died either. I’m talking about the crazy camera angles, swinging in all directions. I swear it’s enough to make you motion sick. The flashing lights used to add “affect” was uncalled for and unnecessary and just added to the sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you spin around too much.

The acting wasn’t terrible, but it was hard to tell over the choppy film fragments, the loud music and background noise, and the stupid plot. I can’t say I was disappointed with the cast. Christian Slater has always held my interest since Interview with a Vampire. Tara Reid held my attention well in The Big Lebowski. So this movie’s suckiness isn’t due to their acting ability, or even their inability to get a line across, just from whoever’s bright idea it was to make this video game into a movie.

I could go on and on, but personally I’d rather not. This movie sucked. Not funny sucked, not “silhouettes of little men at the bottom of the screen” sucked, just plain “shoot yourself in the head to avoid sitting through it any longer” sucked. If you feel you must watch a video game movie, please go find something else. Anything else! I hear Resident Evil or Silent Hill weren’t that bad. They had to be better than this thing. Really!!!! Hell, Mortal Kombat was better! So just don’t bother with this one… ever.