When this movie was assigned to me for this project, I thought I would be watching a cautionary educational video about the dangers of peeing in the woods by yourself. After all, Bigfoot is out there, and he might rip your wang off if you whiz in his bush. I’ll take a minute to let those of you with urine fetishes get your minds out of the gutter, and we’ll move on.
The DVD opens with a message from one of the guys in CKY. He claims great things of the movie, including its unusual sense of humor for a slasher movie, and proceeds to tell me that it’s like no movie I’ve seen before. I have news for you, half-assed rocker – this is like many movies I’ve seen before. Besides, you hang out with Bam Margera, and that alone is enough for a death sentence in my book.
It doesn’t take much to describe the movie itself. The story, or what there is of it, follows four friends into the woods camping (they didn’t go in alone, and yet they’re still not safe!). We have Craig the cowboy outdoorsman, Joanne the girl, Ingrid the other girl, and Peter the whiny wuss. Peter poops himself and screams like a little girl after another hiker pops out of the woods on the trail in front of them. Harrassed by his friends for being a sniveling pansy, he runs into the woods alone (don’t!) to sulk and just generally be an emo kid.
Meanwhile, the others set up camp. Ingrid stays behind while Craig & Joanne head off for a little survival training. While Craig is demonstrating how to set a trap for small animals, Joanne smashes his hand with a rock. In retaliation, Craig sneaks up on her in her sleeping bag, winches her into a tree, and starts poking her with a stick. Strange relationship these two have, eh? I get the feeling they like Toby Keith “music”.
Peter, still sulking by the river, sees the maniac (unfortunately not Joe Spinell) kill a fisherman. He runs to warn his friends, but it’s too late. The maniac kills Craig and runs Joanne off into the woods to his cabin to kill for later. Peter and Ingrid escape back to town, battered and bruised, and wind up at the local hospital. Peter goes back to look for Joanne, with Ingrid and a rescue posse close behind. He and Ingrid get their revenge, brutally stabbing the mountain man to death with sticks, and the young daughter of a previous victim is left behind playing in the dirt with a machete.
What I just described only takes about fifteen minutes of screen time. The rest of this ADD-addled movie spends its time introducing us to people who die seconds later in a number of creative, and quite gory, ways. What is lacking in quality is made up here in quantity with an impressive 15-victim body count. Our corpses are:
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Jogging Girl – Dies off-camera.
Tweed Suit Guy – Arm hacked off, bleeds to death.
Camera Guy – Thrown off a cliff.
Hat Lady – Dragged off-screen bleeding and screaming.
Dick – Judging by the sound effects, crushed somehow, then smashed into a van window.
Cherry – Pushed off a cliff in Dick’s van, burned alive. The killer single-handedly pushes a van off a cliff…SIDEWAYS. There’s crazy, and there’s fuckin’ crazy.
Painter – Slashed.
Camping Girl – Sleeping bag piñata.
Camping Guy – Stabbed repeatedly in the neck.
Fisherman – Hit in the face with a bear trap.
Craig – Hacked to death while torturing Joanne.
Art Garfunkel Guy – Accidentally speared by Peter.
Joanne – Hacked to death in hillbilly’s cabin.
Wheelchair Guy – Decapitated, body rolls down a cliff in the chair.
Maniac – Mutilated by Peter and Ingrid.
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Don’t Go Into the Woods…Alone! (a.k.a. DGITW…A!, pronounced “digit…WAH!”) was made in Utah, land of the Mormons (which I basically pointed out for Fistula’s benefit because he loves him some Mormons for some reason). Probably the most (or only, your call) interesting bit of trivia is that the crazed hillbilly murderer was played by a mild-mannered local folk singer. Rocky mountain… DIE!
The Moral of the Story: Dude, it’s the fucking title already.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Although it’s really not that bad, I can’t resist the setup for a stupid and painfully obvious joke. Don’t watch this movie…ALONE!
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